saturday, september 30

* * *

friday, september 29

my mom and i were living in victoria which makes the year 1978 or 1979. it was an election year in both canada and the united states. i was seven years old and hadn't quite grasped the concept of politics. i knew that voting was important and i kept telling my mom that she had to vote for jimmy carter. yup. jimmy carter. i knew what trudeau looked like. i knew what trudeau sounded like. but i was convinced that his name was jimmy carter. the guy who was running for president of the united states was pierre trudeau. our prime minister was jimmy carter, dammit.

trudeau was a true canadian icon. la raison avant la passion, monsieur trudeau. reason before passion.
** 09:37

* * *

thursday, september 28

i realized that i'm living a life of debauchery. i'm smoking, drinking, doing drugs and having sex. you know what they call girls like me? yup. fun!

i woke this morning and thought "why is my radio on? it's saturday." unfortunately, i was wrong. i'm trying to figure out why i'm having such trouble getting up lately. i mean, i'm trying to get to bed early enough (before 10pm the last two nights), but i just can't seem to drag my ass out of bed before 6:30. i've been late for work more in the last month than i have in the entire three years i've worked here. i think it's just that i'm on the countdown to my vacation and i'm not so motivated. it's been a long fucking time since i've had a vacation -- or at least it feels that way.

these are some of the things i notice in my neighbourhood:

there's some guy living in the basement of the house across the street. he drives a toyota 4x4 something-or-other truck. he has stickers from one of the radio stations i listen to on the back window of said truck. his light is on when i leave in the morning for work. he's sitting at his computer when i come home from work. he's tall, thin, bald (or has very, very short hair) and not bad looking.

the car-salesman-neighbour's kid had a barbeque last night. six teenage girls sitting outside, playing bad music, laughing and talking loudly. i had to turn the tv up to drown out the noise.

i was outside on the balcony having a cigarette the other night and the next door neighbours were out in their yard. he was putting the garbage out, she was just wandering around with the new baby in her arms. they stopped right where they could look up at me and she whispered -- yes, whispered -- something to him. hrm. they couldn't have been trying to keep the baby from understanding them. it's only six months old. there was no one else around to over hear them. gee, i think she might have been talking about me. or maybe i'm paranoid.

the house up the street which has been under construction for renovations the entire time i've lived in my place has finally built part of the structure for their balcony. it was weird. they had these french doors on the second floor that just opened up into space. i don't know if they have kids or what, but seriously, the first step really would have been a doozy. at least now they can walk to the edge of the balcony before falling fourteen feet to the concrete.

the bitch upstairs keeps sweeping her crap off her balcony and onto mine. i get home and open the door to go water my tomato plant and i find chunks of potting soil, wrappers from whatever, one of those little plastic things they stick in potted plants that tell you the genus/phylum and directions to keep it alive. the worst is still when she over-waters her plants and i step or sit in the unexpected puddles. grr.
** 09:50

* * *

wednesday, september 27

there are too many eat-out lunches lately. of course this happens when i need to watch my cash flow. i ate out four times last week (yeah, two were my fault 'cause i was too lazy or tired to make a lunch). this week, i have two birthday lunches, a weekly thai lunch, one too-lazy-to-make-a-lunch lunch, pre-union meeting dinner and big brother finale dinner at meg's. ugh. when i get through this week all i'll want to do is eat salad and drink herbal tea to cleanse.
** 09:30

* * *

tuesday, september 26

i also managed to go to the bank and pay off the mastercard i used to help cover the car repair bill, pick up my plane ticket (thanks faedra!), fill up the car, cash in my lotto ticket, get a new one for tonight's draw and have time to browse the newsstand before my appointment. all in all, a very productive afternoon. i'm mightly pleased with myself. now i'm home and making pizza for dinner with no plans other than relaxation and an early, early night. yay me.
** 17:36


six hours and not one single, solitary piece of actual work. this must be a record.
** 13:49


<rant>
why can't htmlgear fix their fucking database so my guestbook will work? i emailed them almost a week ago. i hate that. grr.
</rant>
** 12:07


ugh. i went to mcdonald's for my yearly dose. it was good, but now i feel like a science experiment. to top it off, i'm even more sleepy than before, if you can believe that. i know i'm having trouble with the concept. at least i'm out of the beige box in two hours. gotta love afternoon dental appointments.

i think i've found the pattern for my tattoo:

tyler phoned late last night and i was telling him that my door buzzer has been used more in the last month than in the entire two years previously. i have to make sure i'm either presentable or something to throw on is handy and my apartment is in some reasonable semblance of order. it's disconcerting. you mean i have to do dishes *every day*? small sacrifice, i suppose.

i meet these people who've had these amazing lives and i feel inadequate. i feel small and sheltered and naive. they've seen and experienced things i don't think i ever would have contemplated let alone done. i learned from a friend of mine that her break up with her ex could very possibly become a movie of the week. then there's jason with his stories of detonation and debauchery in the back woods. there are so many more examples. i just feel so uninteresting in comparison. what have i done? lived a quiet, safe, boring life. sometimes it perks up a little. i stretch my wings and seek some excitement. but it doesn't last long, and i'm grateful to get back to my routine to recharge. i know it's not fair to them, or myself, to compare myself to them. they are not me. i am not them. it's not a contest, heather.

then why do i feel like i always come in last?
** 09:01

* * *

monday, september 25

i did get my car back with all work completed. as i was standing there waiting for michael to finish all my paper work he was explaining to me that there is a "breaking in period" for the brakes in which i don't want to ride them going down hills or brake too hard. the idea being not to heat them up too quickly for about a hundred kilometres. that's when this man behind me pipes up with a story about how he used that directive to get out of a speeding ticket once. the other man standing there then said "yeah, just don't use your brakes at all." i said "so that's why there's a lifetime guarantee on them!" michael got flustered and covered his butt with "by all means, brake if you have to. *chuckle*" all in all it was rather amusing. amazing how much a good banter with strangers can take the sting out of paying a $1200 bill.

oh, i did indeed win something on the lottery saturday night. yay! $11.

jason didn't stand me up. we watched full metal jacket (twice) and part of enemy mine (i still can't believe he hadn't seen that movie).

yesterday i didn't do diddly 'cept some laundry and some cooking. i got such a late start to the day there was no point in trying to do anything ambitious.

c'est la.
** 09:35

* * *

sunday, september 24

* * *

saturday, september 23

took the car in only to discover that the guy i'd spoken to had forgotten to write my name in the book. luckily, michael, the manager, was nice and fit me in. i went to the mall and mooched around while they diagnosed and estimated. (i bought: two bras, pajama pants, coffee and A+ certification for dummies.)

i walk in and up to the counter and ask "what's the damage?" michael says "do you want the full hit?" from this i know it's not good. basically, it came to just under $1400. yeah. that's what i thought, too. i must have looked as pained as i felt, 'cause when i asked "so, what can you do for me?" he actually started discounting stuff. now it's going to be $1200, taxes in. basically the labour for my front shocks, a bunch of hardware and the brake flush are free. well, i'm not paying extra for them. oh, and i get the oil change no charge too. i'm kinda regretting the $150 i spent at the mall now.

anyway, he has my car now and he said he'd *try* to get it all done today. if not, he'll get it done enough i can drive and we'd finish it next week. took the bus home (45 minutes, goddammit). phoned mom to wish her a happy birthday. phoned dad and asked if he could take me down to pick up my car later. phoned michael and asked him if i could have the parts he's taking off my car 'cause the other garage charged me for new calipers just under 18 months ago. there's something wrong if i have to replace them so soon. so i'm going to go tear a strip off of them. this week. one of the only things i miss about living in a small town (and working closely with mechanics/auto parts people) is being able to get really good auto work.

anyway, i'm sitting here in my new comfy pants and bra waiting for four o'clock so i can go get my car and give michael (who looks amazingly like the husband on 'king of queens') all my money, nursing a headache and a sinking feeling of dread. i really hope jason doesn't stand me up tonight 'cause that'd just piss me off more. here's to the lottery tonight... i'm not greedy. i only need $2000. c'mon numbers!
** 14:28

* * *

friday, september 22

oh, speaking of other jobs. i talked to my boss and the hr rep about whether or not i have a shot at getting the user support analyst position during lee-ann's maternity leave. basically, they both think i could do the job. they both like me, think i'm intelligent and hardworking enough... but. (i hate buts.) but, i don't have any paper. no diploma. no certificates. no "official" education other than two introductory programming courses. in a private company, they're more willing to take you without such pedigrees. it's frustrating because i know i can do the work. they know i can do the work. but because they have deemed x, y and z to be "qualifications" they can't hire anyone without them. even for only six months. bleh.

this development has made me decide on a course of action, though. i'm going to try for my A+ certification. it's not exactly what i want to do, but it'll give me at least a piece of paper to wave in people's faces when they ask me what i can do. then, i suppose i'll consider some sort of network certification. i guess i'm finally deciding on a career. wow, that makes me feel old.
** 10:04

* * *

thursday, september 21

cute, engaged... err, married rob snuck up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. i said "hey! how're you?" he said "much better now." i haven't seen him since at least a month before his wedding, so we're talking the end of june. he looks fantastic. he still smells fantastic. mmm. and i still kick myself for not kissing him that day in the parking lot when he chased me out to my car so i wouldn't leave without giving him a birthday hug. i have to learn to be more forward. regrets suck.

then, i get an email from someone very dear to me. we have a bit of a history, but nothing major. shit happened, yadda yadda. his life has taken a very... domestic turn in the last few years. i think we will always have a connection though. we just clicked. it was almost instant, to think back on it. had several small circumstances been different, i think we might have been together today. anyway, he wrote "Honestly, and I'm not sayin this to make you feel good, but if it does, then GREAT! The only other woman I ever really fantasize much about or dream about is you. I guess because there's still something really deep between us."

this is both good and bad. good, 'cause it's nice to know someone cares about you, that they acknowledge feelings you have as well. bad, because it makes me wonder... what if? and i'm prone to dwelling on the what ifs. regrets really suck.

so i have rob's cologne on my shoulder which will taunt me the rest of the afternoon, an email on my mind and a pile of work that i just can't concentrate on. what is it with these goatee'd men and me? *sigh*
** 14:59


teaching myself flash while i wait for the burgers to be ready.
oh. wait. they're ready.
lunch!
** 11:37


ugh. someone take the crap food out of my house. that includes the alcohol. i've been eating junk and drinking too much and i'm starting to feel the effects. bleh. at least i've been getting some salad on a semi-regular basis, but i'm so not eating enough vegetables. maybe i'll actually cook something tonight. i think that's part of my problem. i'm in a 'reheat' mode and i don't want to spend any time *cooking*.

it could possibly just be my way of heading off dishes, too. when i cook, there are more dishes to wash. i hate washing dishes. if they made disposable pots and pans, i'd give away all my dishes, cutlery and cookware. then i'd feel guilty about throwing all that paper and plastic away. unless i got that new compostable/bio-degradable stuff they're using in sydney for the olympics. the cutlery is made of cornstarch! i thought that was so cool. i'm easily impressed, as you can tell
** 08:17

* * *

wednesday, september 20

* * *

tuesday, september 19

then there is the moment you lie down to retrieve that lost sleep. your body, so relaxed and slow, melts into the mattress. your heavy lids slide closed. your heavy limbs begin to float. your body tingles and the patterns you see behind your eyelids coerce you into slumber. it is the sleep of the dead. a temporary coma.
** 10:26


i'm feeling MUCH better today.
*grin*
** 07:35

* * *

monday, september 18

that big har guy must live on his site meter page, 'cause he's already acknowledged my link to him. holy crap. go study or something, bub! but, hey, it's still cool when you're quoth. *grin*
** 12:25


fuck people piss me off. i seem to have a really, really low tolerance for attitude right now. if you're not going to be nice and compliant, you better just leave me the hell alone. my sense of humour has taken a vacation.

and what's with my having to remind people to hand in their bloody time sheets every week?? they've all been working here a lot longer than me. they know they work monday to friday. friday being the end of their week. they know that if they don't hand in a time sheet they don't get paid. DO THE FUCKING MATH!!! i'm sick of having to go around cleaning up after fucking adults. that was one of the big reasons i didn't apply for the secretary position in another department. i spent six years looking after four grown men at my last job. i'm not their mother, wife or maid. do it your own self. take some responsibility, for pete's sake.

*seethe*

geez, you'd think i was pre-menstrual instead of post, wouldn't you?
** 10:28

* * *

sunday, september 17

yeah. i probably am.
** 16:43


i wasn't going to link to this guy since he's already riding this egomaniacal tsunami of linkage and hits, but, dammit, he's cool.
** 16:35

* * *

saturday, september 16

i had been sitting in my comfy chair reading a book with the television on the olympic coverage, but muted. i occasionally glanced up and thought "oh. biking." or "oh. running." i glanced up later on in the day and saw runners crossing a finish line and i thought "oh. race is finished. i wonder which it was."

for some reason, i was compelled to turn the sound on to see who won the race. i didn't know what race it was. i didn't know who was favoured. i actually have a very apathetic attitude towards the summer olympics in general. winter sports are more my thing.

before i could even turn the sound on, they replayed the winner crossing the finish line. i looked. i looked again. "does that say 'canada' on his shirt? it does! a canadian won?? oh my god!" i thought. and i felt a surge of joy in my chest. i love it when canadians win.

thanks to time delays and editing, shortly thereafter i was able to witness the medal ceremony for the men's triathalon. simon whitfield kissed the podium before he took his place atop it. simon whitfield cried during the playing of our national anthem. simon whitfield is from victoria, bc -- a city i once lived in, the capital of my province. i held my hands over my heart and mouthed the words to oh canada and cried.

i love my country, and i love simon whitfield for showing the world just what canadians can do.
** 18:47


was at meg's playing cards last night. i was in rare form. even meg commented on a particularily sweet burn: "she's really quick!" i guess all those bad influences really have paid off.

then, dean said something about my personality contributing to why people pick on me. that made me think. i figure it can either go one of two ways: one, i'm fun and interactive (ie. you pick on me, i pick back), that being a good thing. or, two, i just have a "kick me" sign on my forehead that invites people to have fun at my expense. watching how the boys act with meg the same way, i figure it's just how they are. but, isn't that a universal truth?

boys never really get out of that second grade mentality... "i'll pick on susie to show her how much i like her because my emotional maturity is so stunted i couldn't possibly just express to her my true feelings."

paid some bills, drank some coffee, waiting for my three-beer headache to subside so i can do some laundry. maybe some dishes and shopping later today. ahh... i love saturdays.
** 13:32

* * *

friday, september 15

i was in the lunch room at work waiting for my healthy, vegetarian lunch to be irradiated to a slightly more than lukewarm temperature when i noticed a pen where no pen had been before. where no pen had any right to be. it was in a bad neighbourhood as far as pens go. its existance was threatened. so i rescued it. i took it away to someplace safer, more loving and am now fostering it.

but, i fear its time with me will be short. it's vital fluids are quickly flowing away and i despair of discovering a compatible donor to revive it when it nears its end. i've become the pen hospice. i will care for it gently and with compassion until its time is up. i will miss it when it's gone, but i will always have the memories of our brief time together.
** 09:06


i understand.
** 08:32

* * *

thursday, september 14

the only plus is that, as canadians, they don't have to give the government half of their winnings (as opposed to the american version). now *that* would be depressing. "thanks for playing, here's your $1000." in walks uncle sam, "thanks for playing, here's your $400 tax bill."

i can't wait until my american friends find out. they're going to have much, much fun using this as more fodder for their anti-canadian comments. oh well. time to dig up some embarrassing american statistics, i suppose.
** 21:01


time to go home. i can't believe i managed to waste eight and a half hours reading blogs, tweaking blogs, dreaming of having a nicer blog, & writing blog entries. *grin*
** 15:59


oh. my. god.
** 14:23


i had an interesting evening last night. jason came over to borrow learning perl and retrieve fear & loathing. we had a couple beer (i had a few, he had one) and a few smokes, watched the canadian edition of millionaire and some tick. i smelled his leather jacket (mmm) and tried on his helmet (which is oddly comfortable). he also took my mystery science theatre 3000 tape (which i've never watched all the way through), too. i'm still not quite sure what i make of him or what he makes of me.

while jason was there, tyler phoned. now *that* was odd. first, i never have company. second, my phone never rings. to have them both happen at the same time is just scary. we talked for a while and it felt really odd to have to excuse myself 'cause someone was there. especially when that someone was jay. tyler made me promise i'd phone him back. so, after jason had left, i'd put my laundry in the dryer (at 10:45pm -- i'm sure the neighbours *loved* that) and watched the tape of big brother, i phoned tyler. he asked if i could phone back in 15 minutes. uh. it was already quarter to midnight. i told him i would, if i hadn't fallen asleep. he said he'd phone and wake me up if i didn't. he would have, too.

i think we crossed a line or broke a boundary in our relationship during that conversation. there have always been certain things i didn't talk to him about, subjects we didn't didn't broach or danced around with the finesse of bourne & kraatz. i don't know if it was the beer buzz, the muscle relaxants or the mutual raging hormones, but things took a decidedly lurid turn. he'll regret it today. i know him. he always over-analyzes these sorts of things. we talked about that specifically. in a different time or place, i think we could have been a really good couple. this is just not the time nor the place. and i'm fine with that.

btw, this has been bugging me all day. is the proper plural of beer "beer" or "beers"? i always thought it was like fish, in that respect (15 fish, not fishes -- although, i am wont to use 'fishies' most oft). the dictionary doesn't specify, so i'm going to assume i'm right, until i'm proven otherwise.
** 14:02


i've had these lyrics stuck in my head all morning:

tell you a story about the lake fever
we can skip to the coital fury
you didn't say yes or no or neither
you whispered, "hurry"
-- "lake fever", the tragically hip

* * *

wednesday, september 13

yeah, i'm thinking c, too.
** 11:21


ugh. i hate taking a big swig of coffee only to find out it's not sweetened.
** 08:16


this is your first and final warning:
i'm fucking cranky, anti-social and in agony today.
do not talk to me. do not ask me for favours. do not assume i can drop everything to solve your problems. why? because i don't give a fuck.

of course, because i feel this way everyone and their cousin will be wanting me for something. *sigh* i think this is going to be a Very Long Day.
** 07:18

* * *

tuesday, september 12

btw, cramps suck.
** 13:14


my boss: "i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
me: "why? are you cranky?"
my boss: "i'm just... argh! *covers face with hands*"
me thinking: "oh, shit. good thing i don't have to ask him about that extra day off today."
** 09:11


i am now officially flying to new york city. yay! i went straight to flight centre last night after work and with the help of vanessa and the hundreds of dollars in my savings account, i got me a plane ticket. i just don't want to wait two months to go away. at least i paid cash for it. i can't remember the last time i didn't charge a plane ticket.

i live in north vancouver. geographically, it is separated from vancouver by vancouver harbour. to get anywhere south of the harbour you must go across one of two bridges or ride on the sea bus (departing every 13 minutes during rush hour). the first bridge ever built spanning the harbour is the Lions Gate Bridge (or First Narrows). it was sponsored by the famous guiness family (yes, the dark beer people) so that they could get back and forth between their property in the hills of west vancouver and their business and entertainment on the other side. it's a beautiful suspension bridge. but, it's getting old and in need of repair.

the government went through all sorts of plans to upgrade/refurbish/replace the bridge. even suggesting a tunnel underneath the harbour (which i thought was a really cool idea). eventually, they settled on a "deck replacement" strategy. basically, they're going to lift out sections of the bridge deck and replace them with new, wider sections. the problem is they have to close the bridge to do this (gee, really?). okay, that's not really the problem. the problem is that, when they close the bridge for a weekend, they run into problems and they don't reopen it in time for the monday morning commute.

you see, i drive to work. yes, yes. i know it's not very evironmentally friendly. i don't even have a good excuse since i get a transit pass for free. but, i love my car and to me, it's worth the expense for my travel time to be 20 minutes instead of 95 via public transit. anyway, i drive over the Second Narrows (or Ironworkers Memorial) bridge twice every day. the reason i mention this is that, when one bridge is "down" the other, naturally, is forced to take up the slack.

that's exactly what happened yesterday morning. they ran into some problem with rusty bolts over the weekend closure and didn't get the bridge open again until the afternoon, which meant that the monday commute out of north vancouver was horrendous. luckily for me, i start work a lot earlier than most people, so it only took me an extra 20 minutes to get to work. talking to people later in the day, some waited as long as an hour to get over the bridge. ugh. i never thought i'd be so happy to start work at 7:15am.
** 08:20

* * *

monday, september 11

i was finally able to get to and then log onto my new webhost using my newly registered domain name. i actually put stuff of my own creation up. mind you, it's just a placeholder until i can get a clue of what i want to do with it sorted out in my head, but for the time being you can go look at my pretty placard at: fubsy.net

you'll also notice i've moved this very blog over there, as well. yup. this is the First Official Content of fubsy.net. ain't it spiffy! if my back wasn't still ouchie, i'd be tempted to do a cartwheel.
** 14:06


I was cleaning my parents' bomb shelter and I got locked in. I was there for two days before they found me. Luckily, there was plenty of food and water and a chemical toilet.
** 09:12


yes, i've been neglectful. there hasn't been anything of major importance to type about. let's see.

travel: i'm going to go to flight centre today on my way home and buy my ticket to NYC. i've confirmed with randy and heather that dates and times are acceptable. heather's now officially excited about my coming and planning for my arrival. after the ticket is bought, i need to figure out if it's worth it to book my bus ticket ahead or just buy it at the station. that's not a huge concern right now. i need that plane ticket before the seat sale is over. mm. maybe i'll just order it online.

social interaction: spent friday night in watching bad tv, drinking vanilla vodka and diet coke (it's much better with diet coke. the syrupy sweetness of regular coke overpowers the vanilla, i find.) and cursing at my new web host provider. why cursing? see "techincal issues" below. saturday, i watched american psycho, sat in my comfy chair and read, tried to go to the travel agent (too many ppl and too little parking), fought the throngs of people at wal-mart in search of a new clip lamp (my old one was starting to switch itself on and off at random -- for someone with a paranoia about things bursting into flames, this was not comforting). didn't find one, so went to zellers.

wow. that was depressing. lynn valley mall used to be bustling. my mom used to own a bookstore in that mall when i was five. i spent a lot of time in that mall during my childhood (either hanging out while mom was working -- in the bookstore or in the shoe store years later -- or after school with friends). i walked through it this weekend and thought "it's so small and so quiet. whatever happened to it?" it's not that there are more places to shop in north vancouver. there are the three same core malls. half of the stores were closed. hell, half the mall was blocked off for construction. i hope whatever they're doing to it will revitalize it. i'd hate to see it turn scuzzy and sad. that place holds a lot of memories for me.

saturday night, i went to meghan's and played cards, ate pizza, drank more vanilla vodka, smoked and watched big brother. i'm worried about meg, though. she blurted out a bunch of stuff about her relationship that didn't paint a very good picture. i'll have to get her out without mark and we can have a proper talk. she obviously needs someone to spew to. and, considering i wasn't there during the whole greg thing, it's the least i can do. oh, i was flirting with dean. i mean, i realized i was. so i prolly was before, but pretended i wasn't. i'm officially blaming the vodka.

sunday, i did laundry, watched coronation street, read some, played pool with dad (i won a game! whee!) and then grocery shopped. the rest of the time was spent watching emmys or vegging out online. it was quiet and non-eventful. a perfect sunday.

technical issues: i signed up with we-host last thursday. i *still* haven't been able to log into my account AND their entire network was down for over 24 hours this weekend. sorry david, but this is the last time i take your recommendation. on top of that, my own ISP decided to hose itself saturday afternoon. so i couldn't do *anything* online. i so hate that. *kick* i feel so trapped. like when my car is in the shop and i can't just GO.

yup. that's about it. invited jason over to see play it to the bone tonight. doubt he'll come, but we'll see. now, i have to get some work done -- and another cup of coffee.
** 08:36

* * *

friday, september 8

all right, now i'll settle down and actually try to do this fecking work i STILL have piled up. *grumble*
** 13:02


this used to be me, but i'm getting better.
** 09:35


i have just one thing to say: ouch
*whimper*
** 09:11

* * *

thursday, september 7

* * *

wednesday, september 6

* * *

sunday, september 3

i don't know what i did, either. i woke up fine. sat on mom's (icky, too soft and too ugly) couch to watch corrie this morning. by the time corrie was over, my lower back was feeling tight and a little cramped. i laid down on the floor hoping to ease it back into some semblance of useability. an hour later i couldn't sit, stand or walk. i sent mom out for drugs and laid down for four hours. it's currently nine hours later and after doubling the dosage of said drugs i can manage to hobble around without feeling like my legs are about to give out under me, but sitting in this chair to type this hurts more than a little.

my mom has had back trauma for years. whenever i'm in this condition, i have an insight into how her life has been for almost 20 years. i don't know how she's managed. i either would have become a demerol addict or killed myself. she's incredible (even if she does drive me batty some days).

please help me in wishing that when i wake up tomorrow morning i'll be at least mended enough to manage the ferry ride home. it's either that or i pay for mom to drive me home (on the boat) and to come back the same day -- which, on a labour day monday, is sure to be hellish.
** 21:01

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saturday, september 2

we went to the casino last night on the way from the ferry. we have long weekend traditions now: going to the casino, going to see a movie, renting more movies, going clothes shopping, buying junk food at thrifty foods and getting pizza. if we don't do all of those at least once, it feels like i've missed out. anyway, i spent about $30 at the casino (on top of the $20 i gave mom to play with). it was so bloody busy, you were lucky if you could find a machine to play. i swear everyone was smoking last night, too. (oddly enough, earlier in the day i was kind of craving a cigarette, but walking around in all that smoke cured me.) sadly, i wasn't a winner last night. c'est la vie. there's always next time.

today, i think i want to go shopping. i seriously need new jeans. all my old ones are either falling apart, too big for me or a combination of the two. speaking of too big, i didn't lose anymore weight in august, but i didn't gain any back. considering i barely worked out at all (and had some serious junk food binges) that is a great thing! yay me!
** 12:09

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friday, september 1

You have more love to give than most people on this planet.. don't let it go to waste.. and don't let it turn to bitterness otherwise it's just a waste.

that's so much easier said than done.
** 13:24


rabbit, white rabbit. happy september! this used to be my favourite month (after june, for reasons you'll understand shortly). the end of summer (too hot) and the start of school (new paper, pens, clothes and *stuff*). being all nervous the first day: "who's my teacher? who's in my class? is so-and-so going to talk to me this year?" new textbooks, new classroom, new teacher. i loved going back to school. a routine to follow and things to learn. i love september.

i've started my anti-england campaign, telling people that i may not be going this year. they're all very disappointed for me, but none have offered to give me a thousand dollars so i can go, the bastards. julie told me to ask my dad. i looked at her and said "uh, no" with an appropriate amount of "that's the stupidest thing you could have possibly said" in my tone. i don't ask him for anything but rides to/from the ferry or airport or the occasional game of pool. i've given up asking him to spend time with me otherwise. if it wasn't because he couldn't leave gloria, it's now because he has to go visit her at the lodge. but that's a whole can of worms i just don't want to think about right now.

it's friday. it's payday. it's a long weekend! i'm having an incredible hair day. i should be glad these little things make me happy, right? that i don't require much to make me smile, right?

i sat around last night, looking cute, waiting for jason. you'd think i'd have realized that unless i go to him, i don't see him. yes, i know he did show up that one time and he actually phoned -- twice! -- the last time, but still. besides the fact it would have been fun to see him, he was supposed to bring me stuff. i hate it when people don't fulfill their commitments.
** 09:29

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