tuesday, october 31

i ran out to subway at lunch to fetch a sandwhich (i was lazy and refused to make anything for lunch last night, opting instead to fall asleep at 8:30pm) and i get to the first intersection, flick my left-turn signal on and it starts clicking away superfast. "dammit! my stupid back turn signal's out!" i think.

as i continue to drive to subway i'm thinking of where and how i can get another bulb and how much i would not like to be sticking my arm out the window in the torrential downpour we were experiencing. so, i get my sandwich and head to the auto parts store (taking the route which only requires right-hand turns, mind you).

i walk up to the guy at the counter who looks completely disinterested and even slightly hung-over.

"i need a flashy bulb for a 92 geo metro," i say.
he looks at me like i'm speaking swahili. "a what?"
"a blinker bulb for my rear turn signal?" i offer.
"what year?"
"92. 92 geo metro."
he flips pages in his book, "that's a metro?"
"yup. geo metro. hatchback."
he goes off into the stock area, "just one?"
"yup. that'll do me."
he comes back and puts a bulb on the counter.
"that looks familiar," i say brightly.
he types stuff into the computer, ignoring my attempt to make him smile, "the bill's at the front check out."

after paying my $1.11 (via interac because i only had $1 dollar cash), i set off back to work. i get to the very last (left-hand) turn and i flick the signal on to signal to oncoming cars and i hear the blink-blink-blink of a normal signal. i park and take a look and the freaking signal is working! i'll swap bulbs when i get home tonight since i'd rather i not get rear-ended because the bulb takes a permanent vacation when i'm at a busy intersection.
** 14:31


it's a dark and stormy morning... and i'd much rather be at home, on the futon, under my duvet, with a big mug of mint hot chocolate and someone to play tomb raider with than here.

i am so completely and utterly ready for my vacation. hopefully, i'll come back refreshed and actually a little happy to be at work, because i certainly am not that way lately. anywhere else but here, really. i'm seriously contemplating what i want to do when i grow up. the problem lies with the fact that i really have no idea what it is i want to do with the rest of my life.

i'm also stuck in a well-paying, secure job which affords me a sense of safety i wouldn't otherwise have in the private sector. i fear of becoming one of those government employees who hates, nay loathes, their job but is so entrenched in debt or fear of change that they kill themselves by dragging themselves to a place they hate every day.

on a more serious note, my heart is breaking for one of my dearest friends today. his wife suffered a miscarriage over the weekend. they were both very excited about the pregnancy, it being his first child and her second. i just can't help but think that it was meant to be. nature has an uncanny ability to do the right thing when it comes to reproducing. nonetheless, i feel for them both and wish them much love and healing and much luck when they're ready to try again.
** 10:44


the different reactions people have to you when you wear devil's horns are funny.
** 09:33

* * *

monday, october 30

his breath was hot and smelled sweet. i'd lean my head towards his and he'd lean in closer. his nose was touching my cheek. i turned my head to avoid chewing on my quilt. he was breathing into my ear. heavily. it felt good. my heart started pounding and my entire body was tingles and shivers.

i told him i was the awake one now (he'd complained about that earlier). he said that was good because we could now count sheep together. i was hoping that was a euphamism.
** 09:05


*ssssssttttttttrrrrrrrretch* *blink blink*
*rub eyes* *smack lips* *swallow*
*cringe* *grumble* *whine*

once a year (or quarter, or month, for that matter), everyone should be able to skip a monday. just say to the world "sorry, i'm not doing monday today. see you on tuesday!" if that were possible, today would be my skip-day. i just had far too relaxing and enjoyable of a weekend to ruin it with a monday. not to mention the fact i could really use the day off to go shopping for all the stuff i need to get before i go east since i didn't get the chance this weekend.

more later, i actually want to get some of this work done.
** 08:28

* * *

friday, october 27

giraffe patterns
toes bandaids
albino giraffe
naked
albino people
** 08:46


i was lying in bed last night at quarter past nine, completely exhausted (from what, i don't know) and just on the cusp of sleep when i started thinking about something i wanted to write about. i worked through the idea, thought up some clever metaphors and just as i was about to get up to type it all down when i realized i was far, far too comfortable to move. i consoled my muse by telling her i would remember it and write it all today, and make it better to boot.

my muse is now kicking my ass with her fluevog angels, because, while i can remember that i wanted to write, i can't remember what it was i wanted to write about. i should have gotten my lazy ass up and to the keyboard. now i know why good writers keep a pen and paper beside them at all times. you never want to let that inspiration escape your slippery grasp.
** 08:24

* * *

thursday, october 26

she's so paranoid about screwing something up or being too slow or this or that. it's just payroll data entry for pete's sake! it's not brain surgery. then again, she's scared of the dragon lady (read: payroll clerk). she does have a reputation for being a tad (read: extremely) mean and bitchy. anyway, my protege is outside having a smoke to calm her nerves as we move onto the "sucks to be you letters" we send to unsuccessful applicants. it's my most hated part of the job, even while it fulfills my voyeuristic inclinations (read: i get to read their resumes).

i'd much rather be blogging.
** 14:51


happy birthday, iain!
** 09:08


ooh. seven, er... eight sleeps until i go on vacation! this, of course, causes stress. i'm having packing anxiety. i'll have to do a dry run this weekend to see if i have to go buy that (really cool) rolling duffel bag i saw last week. and i need to do a pre-vacation shopping trip. you know... new underwear (you have to have new underwear when you go on vacation - you never know who'll see it), new socks (same idea - you don't want whomever to see your ratty old socks), little baby travel size personal hygiene products (my favourite is the little deodorant), bandaids and shoe liners (i always get blisters. always), and canadian things they don't have in the states (this year it's shreddies and kinder eggs).

while trying to find a site to link shreddies to i ran across this comparison between vancouver, bc and houston, texas. i have friends who live in texas, or "the south", so i found this fascinating. it's also rather timely considering texas (and how not to be killed there) was being discussed by billy and myself last week.
** 09:00


Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
If others refuse to play your game, take your ball and go home. It is your way or the highway today and others can just deal with it. You find new projects started today will have enormous success.

you heard the man! succumb or scram!
** 07:51

* * *

wednesday, october 25

on that note, i'm posting this and then going home. g'night!
** 15:55


another reason you have to love deadman... now instead of my popups spewing window after window they only spew one which gets recycled. yay!
** 10:46


Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
You may be drawn into a magic encounter at this time. There is energy building that will surprise you with the results. A new mate or partner sizzles up your creative muse.
** 09:50


construction to extend our building at work started last week. they started with blocking off the two major exits and re-routing us through the vehicle shop. they then tore down all the trees and shrubbery out front. next came the ripping up of the asphalt. today, they're compacting. i hate it when the compact. it's fun, 'cause my chair vibrates all day long, but that same vibration does some nasty shit to my inner ear making me rather nauseated and uncomfortable. oh well... all in the name of progress, right?

btw, many thanks to iain for figuring out the stupid problem which was messing up my title above -- but only in netscape. why don't all browsers show html the same way?
** 09:45


today's mood: obsessed.
** 08:56


morning. ugh. i've been at work pre-seven a.m. two days in a row. this is frightening. i seriously need to do some laundry tonight. i'm not exactly, one-hundred percent happy with this layout. i can't get the popups to load their links in the parent window (this one) and i really, really, really hate links that spawn new windows. i'm going to try to research, i suppose. unless someone out there knows. *grumble* i'm just going to drink my coffee now.
** 07:37

* * *

tuesday, october 24

* * *

monday, october 23

saturday, i slept 'til ten-ish and putzed until after i'd watched 'road rules', then i went out to pick up some basics i didn't get friday night and pick up some movies to watch. came home and putzed about some more. made dinner. ate dinner. watched bad tv. popped on and off line. played a wee bit of tomb raider. waited for jason to show up at nine. he didn't. i waited. and waited. i smoked. and waited. about ten-ish the phone rang. he'd fallen asleep and just awoken but was still coming over (%). he did. we watched mystery, alaska and pitch black. he liked them both. i *knew* he'd like mystery!

i fell asleep around five a.m. and woke up at eight-thirty. i opened my eyes and he was looking at me. ack! he'd sat there watching the discovery channel while i slept (%). i told him about the weird dreams i'd had and he told me that was what had been on the tv and it must have been picked up by my sleeping brain. so we watched something for a while and he pipes up and asks if i want some coffee. i say "of course" and he gets up to make it (%).

i don't know how we got onto it, but i asked him if he'd ever played magic. he said he hadn't, but someone had tried to tell him about it and he hadn't been too impressed with what he'd heard. that set me about a mad search trying to find my decks. i figured he'd like it once he got his hands on some cards and tried to play.

i literally tore the place apart trying to find my cards. finally, i found them in this stupid-obvious place i should have looked in earlier. so, i gave him one of the rule books to read over and he looked at some of the artwork and we splayed out on the floor and played for about three hours. he won once and caught on really quick. i'm fairly certain we will be playing again.

he left about 4:30 and i raced around trying to get ready to be at my dad's for dinner at five. he made chicken fried rice which brought back tons of childhood memories. then we sat down and messed with the laptop and templates for his work stuff. i told him he didn't have to feed me for me to help him. he said he knew and just liked to be able to spend the time with me. i liked that. a lot.

i basically came home, made lunch and went to bed and slept like the dead until my alarm went off this morning. all-in-all, it was a great weekend. just not long enough.

% = things he does that make me like him more. i wish he'd stop them!
** 13:04


i'm sitting here eating my uber-healthy lunch of vegetables and brown rice trying to think. yup. not trying to think of what to write or do or say. just trying to think. i'm sure i do a quantity without noticing, else i probably would not be able to chew my delightful, gingery lunch or even know that flavour is ginger.. hell, i probably wouldn't even be able to type, unless it truly has become an autonomic function (as i suspect).

for all that "gifted child" crap they put me through when i was seven years old, i figure i've been a bit of a disappointment. i look back and i'm fairly sure eighth grade was the turning point. i was in a new, bigger school and i was no longer the smartest or the oldest or the teacher's pet. i didn't cope well. i basically gave up. it wasn't until i found a couple of subjects that truly interested me that i actually put forth an effort. the kicker is that even though i never really tried, i never failed anything. i barely studied, but my average grade overall was probably a B-/C+. i wonder sometimes what would have happened if i'd applied myself more, been more ambitious. i worry that i've wasted myself. that i didn't use it and now i've lost it. can i get it back?
** 12:29

* * *

saturday, october 21

that'll teach me to try to do a good deed. hrmf.
** 19:04

* * *

friday, october 20

other than that, today has gone really quickly. probably because i feel really great, i'm having a great hair day, we went out for lunch and it's friday! going to do some grocery shopping on the way home since my fridge contains: beer, pickles, ketchup, mustard, tortillas, half an onion and one red potato. it's been a while since i was shopping, obviously. oh, and i have to find my membership card for the other video place since i can't go back to blockbuster until after the end of the year. i *really* don't want to pay them $20 in late fees for the two movies we kept for two extra days 'cause neither of us wanted to leave the apartment. hopefully they erase the late fees on new year's like other video places.
** 14:25


it's odd how your whole attitude changes when you're wearing your pretty panties.
** 11:01


i had an epiphany last night.

after telling a friend about my playstation injury, his first comment was, "wear a band-aid." my immediate response was, "but i can't *feel* anything with it on!" and that's when it hit me, when i completely understood... the lightbulb above my head was suddenly halogen. i understood why guys don't like to wear condoms.

i feel the same way about rubber gloves and doing dishes. i like how they keep my hands soft and dry, but i can't tell when a particularily crusty dish is truly clean if i can't just skim my naked finger across the surface. there is no substitute for the sensitivity of touch. to deliberately disable it is a form or masochism -- or sadism, depending on who's requiring what.

i'd heard guys bitching about having to wear rubbers before, both in and out of coital situations (the bitching, not the condom wearing). i just hadn't had a personal perspective to relate it to.

i truly appreciate the protection that both condoms and rubber gloves afford me. they just aren't appropriate to every situation. now that i have a greater understanding, and sympathy, i may change my "no rubber, no nookie" policy -- with proper medical clearances provided. in triplicate. and possibly notarized.
** 08:50

* * *

thursday, october 19

i've spent the last hour or so obsessing about my blog design. i'm a web-plagiarist. i don't think i've ever come up with an original design on my own. they're always based on something i've seen elsewhere with just enough tweaks to avoid litigation. it seems whatever aspirations i had towards web-design as a vocation should be dashed right here and right now. if i can't even come up with enough inspiration for one little blog... how can i expect to be creative on a continuing basis and having my livelihood depend on that spark? even when i *am* inspired enough to forge head-long into a creative endeavour i've found myself shackled by the lack of tools. i want to make beautiful graphics, but all i have is microsoft photo draw. ugh. how icky is that? i can't even entreat someone of my acquaintance to help me create them with their tools because i can't find the proper words to describe what i want. it's my modus operendi to muck about with something until "voila!"... what i didn't know i wanted is staring me in the face.

i wish i could go home and have a nap after work. but i'm in desperate need of getting laundry done and if i fall asleep i'll be out until at least eight or nine which will totally mess up my sleep and the housework that needs doing. i just can't seem to catch up. help!
** 13:47


headache. not enough sleep. obsessed with the redesign-in-progress of this very blog -- it's super-secret. don't tell anyone i told you about it. snowed under with work i didn't do yesterday for fiddling with the redesign-in-progress. trying not to fall asleep at the keyboard. more later, if i don't die first.
** 10:07

* * *

wednesday, october 18

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Inner exploration continues today. You can amuse yourself and delight your creative self by keeping a dream journal. There is real gold in those dreams so make the most of this powerfully symbolic time.
** 09:51


i dreamt about deadman's blog last night. i think that means something.
** 09:41


i took my dad out for dinner last night. we went to white spot, a regional and sentimental favourite. i think it was parent-child night, with an emphasis on father-daughter. the two tables beside us had dad's and their young daughters and the table next to us had a mother and son (or a mary-kay latourneau type rendezvous).

my relationship with my father is getting easier. after my parents split up when i was six, and especially after my father re-married, i didn't spend a lot of time with him. this was the fault of both of us. i didn't seek him out and he didn't seek me, either. thus, we grew apart. he's not really easy to get to know at the best of times, but when you only see him once a year for more than half a decade it just makes it all the more impossible.

i think what really made it hit home for me that this was my father and i needed to re-establish a connection, really get to know him, was about five years ago. we were talking on the phone and he oh-so casually mentioned that he'd been treated for cancer. "just a small tumor" he said, "nothing to worry about." i hung up the phone and cried. i realized that he was sixty-two years old (at the time) and whether i admitted it or not, he wasn't going to be around forever. i did NOT want to be at his graveside thinking "i don't know anything about him and it's too late to find out."

unfortunately, my resolve to spend more time with him coincided with his wife's deterioration thanks to alzheimer's. he couldn't spend the time with me because he had to care for her. that made me feel angry & jealous and him guilty. we did as best we could considering, but it wasn't comfortable. we were both stressed by the situation and it showed.

now, she's in the "home" and i have all these opportunities to spend time with him and what do i do? blow him off on thanksgiving to be holed up in my apartment playing videogames and being nocturnal. that's one of the reasons i wanted to treat him to dinner: to assuage my conscience.

after dinner last night i spent about two-and-a-half hours showing him things on the laptop he was given for the contract work he's doing for my company -- that's a whole other entry in itself. as i was sitting there listening to him and listening to me talking to him i realized (as i often do at the oddest moments) just how much i'm like him and how much further i have to go. i admire him so much. he's worked very hard to get where he is. i just hope he is a fraction as proud of me as i am of him.

i love you, dad.
** 08:50

* * *

tuesday, october 17

heather:
You are an 11th hour person, always succeeding just in the nick of time. The lesson of money is prominent in your life. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You need to learn the true value of material possessions. You have a natural protection in life. You are always saved - especially from yourself. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions.

what's with all this "inner life" stuff lately? so what if i have an overactive imagination. hrmf.
** 09:39

* * *

monday, october 16

strangely enough, i was wearing my canucks jersey around the house last night...
** 13:48


Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
Tea and sympathy with your muse will lead to insight today. You can get in touch with that inner angel that seems to have been protecting you and guiding you lately. Others are jealous of your inner life.

jealous of my inner life... yeah. right.
** 10:49


i should have been taking notes. there were so many ideas for topics of typing that occurred to me while i was away. i would think to myself "yes, i must remember that. how could i expound? what tangent could i take to make it unique, interesting and prolific? i really must remember that." each of them i have forgotten.

all i can think to write of now is how much money i spent on clothes and treating my mom during her belated birthday weekend, the playstation games i didn't buy, the pizza we ate, the movie that got stuck in the vcr and my subsequent attempt to surgically extract it, the beautiful taffeda skirt i think i'll go buy because i liked feeling like a princess while wearing it, the annoying traffic this morning, my feeling badly for turning the ringer off when i knew tyler was going to phone back late last night, or what i'm going to go get for lunch today because i was too lazy to make something last night.

my thoughts wither before i've fleshed them out, most oft. i lunge headlong into a narrative only to find i haven't a clue as to where i'm planning on arriving at its conclusion. i'm sure i had a point, a moral, a witty anecdote in mind when i began, but by the time i'm finished trying to be clever with my prose, it's been lost.

in my youth, when asked to write stories for class, mine were all cliffhangers. the story ended abruptly, stopping like a car hitting a brick wall. the ending murky and unresolved. i would contend that i did it on purpose, to let the reader's imagination take over and provide the posible conclusions. that i enjoyed that kind of ending and that was why i wrote as such. my teachers never saw it that way. they would penalize me for not "finishing" my work. this always perturbed me. it was my story, i wrote it the way i wanted it written.

maybe they saw what i'm just now discovering... that i don't know how to finish. that i'm frightened of endings.
** 09:17

* * *

sunday, october 15

* * *

saturday, october 14

* * *

friday, october 13

i don't know if it's a pot-hangover or the full moon or friday the thirteenth or me being three weeks to vacation or the fact that a useless tit got the job in my department instead of the hardworking temp who's been doing the job for almost two years, but i'm fucking cranky. and i'm swearing a lot. fuck this. fuck that. cock-licker! bastard! don't know why, but i am. so, fuck you if you don't like it!

*grin*
** 12:39


if i EVER start calling any significant other i may have "baby", shoot me.
** 07:56


reading this article made me think "how do you tell someone you know that they're 'well-done'?"

Melvin Tocherelli, a stress management counselor based in Chicago, said the first step in fighting depression is knowing whether you are "well-done or fried." According to Tocherelli, "well-done" is simple stress: "when you're always tired, always coming down with something, feel like everything is spinning out of control."

i like the idea of swooshing deadlines, though.
** 07:25

* * *

thursday, october 12

politics piss me off. if you can do the job, you should get the job. c'est fini.
** 14:52


grr.
** 12:22


i hate the fucking phone. i hate my phone. i hate the five other phones in this department. i hate that they ring when i'm the only one here to answer them. i hate that mine rings when i'm trying to eat my fucking lunch. i spent six years being a slave to the fucking phone at my last job. i don't do phones anymore. ask jason. i didn't pick mine up once during the weekend, except to order chinese food and check messages. grr. stupid phones. the only thing they're good for is dial-up.
** 11:33


it's 9:32 am and i don't want to be at work. i'm on the countdown to new york city and it's totally distracting me. i've started mentally packing my bags already. this is not a good sign. my productivity will be next to nil for the remaining twenty-one days until i get on the plane to jfk.

this is typical of me, too. i get so geared up about something that is about to happen i totally blow off everything that's is happening. hey, at least i have something to look forward to other than needing to clean the toilet or hoping ivory soap is on sale in the next month so i can stock up again.

to do today:
* phone: mom, meg, doctor
* do dishes
* eat the salad that's about to go bad
* catch up on the crap in my in-tray
* STUDY
* balance chequebook
* write cheque for mom's xmas gift
** 09:31


i hate waking up in the middle of a really good sex dream.
** 08:47

* * *

wednesday, october 11

      they do not possess a correct amount of self loathing;
      thus, it is my duty to loathe them.
                                                      -- jonathan lethem

i don't even know who jonathan lethem is, but i like his words.
** 15:45


this is what this site looks like to someone who's colourblind - a deuteranope (a form of red/green color deficit) . if you're colourblind, you won't notice any difference, of course.
** 13:37


if you weren't married...
** 13:22


i bought new mascara. it makes my eyes frightfully dramatic. i feel very catwoman. all i need now is a leather bodysuit and a bullwhip.
** 13:13


jason told me that i was [quality people] and it's a nice change to spend time with me instead of the "shallow freaking idiots" he's accustomed to being around. i love it when someone says the exact right thing at the exact right time.
** 09:42


my apartment looks completely different when it's clean and tidy. i spent most of monday afternoon and evening reorganizing and cleaning and i was sitting on my futon last night surveying my domain and thought to myself "ahh... it looks so nice in here." then i thought "if only i had a bedroom, i'd never move."

you see, i have a little bachelor apartment (studio, for the americans) in a heritage house. it was built in the early 1900's as a single family home, then later it was converted into a boy's school. years later it was converted into ten self-contained apartments, all but two being bachelor suites. it's a great building, don't get me wrong. i knew i wanted to live there the second i saw the front door with it's stained glass insert. then i went inside and saw the fourteen foot ceilings and casement windows. i was in heaven. i *knew* that i had to live there.

it's not perfect, though. the house is old, so there aren't any tight seals around the doors or windows. i'm pretty sure there isn't any insulation behind the (real plaster) walls, either. so it's drafty and cold in the winter - expensive to heat - and hot and uncomfortable in the summer - south-west exposure, don't you know. there are lots of bugs (they come in the cracks around the windows mostly), the floor (and ceiling) squeaks, it's dusty. but, the most annoying thing and the one that will cause me to leave sooner than anything else... there is no bedroom.

at first it was fine, i mean, it's my first apartment. i was finally on my own. woohoo! i didn't care if i had to sleep in the shower. but, it's been over two years and although i still love my futon, it would be nice to be able to get up off it at night, turn the lights out and then walk into a bedroom and flop down on a real, honest-to-goodness mattress and go to sleep in a room who's main function is to house sleeping people. that'd be nice. so nice. amazingly nice. another thing is that when you have company, you can leave them to sleep, close the door and go about your business without having to tiptoe around them for fear of disturbing their rest.

anyway, back to my original point. some days, regardless of the things that annoy me about it, i sit in my apartment and think "i love my home."
** 08:33

* * *

tuesday, october 10

i went to bed not long after i posted last night. good. i slept very soundly. good. i woke up with a start when my radio started playing at 5:20 am. bad. i turned it off and went back to sleep only to be jolted awake by the buzz-buzz alarm at 6 am. bad. i forget that i'm supposed to actually get up and turn the alarm off without turning the radio on (which normally keeps me close enough to consciousness to ensure i don't oversleep too badly). very bad. i wake up. good. at 7:25. bad. i start work at 7:30. very bad. i dropped and/or spilled everything i touched while getting ready. bad. i get out the door at 7:45. good. i do a face-plant on the pavement three steps from my front door. bad. i get to the highway and the traffic is already stopped at the top of the cut. very bad. i finally get to work at 8:30 am and everyone's been panicking 'cause i wasn't there and it's payroll monday and i'm never late or MIA. bad. my boss is on vacation this week. good. the heating system has gone apeshit and it's almost 30 degrees (celsius) inside and i'm wearing a sweater. horrid. i haven't had coffee or breakfast and i'm expected to dive into the payroll shit that needs to be done ASAP 'cause it's payroll monday. bad bad bad bad bad.

i told you tuesdays hate me.
** 11:24

* * *

monday, october 9

i did indeed go shopping friday night and i did indeed come home with wondrous things. what, you ask? a playstation! yup. i bought other stuff, but i don't remember what they were now. obviously nothing as exciting.

jason came over and we broke it and my thumb in. yup. after a couple hours of nhl 2000 i developed a blister on my left thumb. how sad is that? but i sucked it up and we played tomb raider for nine hours straight. i don't have to drain it anymore, at least.

i got in the shower yesterday afternoon and was just about to rinse off when the connector for the showerhead started spewing water all over the place and squealing like a stuck pig. i had these mental images of me trying to rinse my hair in the kitchen sink. so, i went out and bought a whole new handheld shower thingie today. holy crap! the "massage" setting on mine hadn't ever really worked quite right. i don't know how i lived without it. mmm. now if it would only pulse, too.

i totally blew everyone off this weekend, too. i turned the ringer off my phone. it was perfect. total reality deprivation. exactly what i needed. now i have to return phone calls and try and talk myself out of blowing off dad for thanksgiving. i guess i'll take him a peace-offering piece of pumpkin pie tomorrow.

now, it's 9pm and i have to try to go to bed so my sleep schedule isn't more fucked up than it is. ugh. oh, the new guy starts tomorrow. and my boss is away all week! this gets better and better.
** 21:03

* * *

friday, october 6

* * *

thursday, october 5

oh. wait. you weren't talking to me, were you? damn.
** 15:52


i think i've run out of interesting things to see online. browsing is basically boring now. i'm jaded and cynical and i'm terribly hard to impress. i've been online too long, i think.

i pre-date netscape, web-chat, java and flash. i used compuserve and flirted with prodigy. i know what gopher, finger, archie and veronica are. i've paid for bigger bbs ratios. it irks me that non-commercial sites use the .com tld. i was net.engaged; i performed a net.wedding; i was god. i don't irc; i don't web-chat; i telnet. ascii is my friend. i know what a mud is and why it is not a talker. i code my html in notepad or pico. i don't use frames (unless it's functionally superior). rtfm. capitalization is for the weak. alt-tags are mandatory. all websites should be lynx-friendly.

i am heather and i am a net.snob.
** 13:10


no man can ever look attractive/hot/sexy while driving a mini-van. no one. they could be a calvin underwear model during the day, but as soon as they sit behind the wheel of a windstar or caravan, they're lost. i will catch my head turning to regard a particularily tasty specimin only to force my gaze away as i realize what vehicle they are driving. "no man is attractive while driving a mini-van," i repeat to myself, "not even sean connery."
** 11:25


i'm obsessed with these women's breasts.
** 10:13


okay. i love my country. i cried like a baby when he trudeau died. but this is going too far. that's my name on that mountain! why couldn't they pick the biggest lake in canada or the largest national park? *sigh* couldn't they just put him on the $20 bill or something?
** 07:52

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wednesday, october 4

i like this guy's style.
** 13:22


cloudy about the head today. can't seem to concentrate. too hot, too cold. i'd much rather frolic in a park by the water than be stuck in this damn beige box. wanderlust. can't wait for new york. bustle, noise, history, fashion, guns, drugs. only a month to go. old friends, new friends, birthdays, buses. tickets! gotta call greyhound. smooth hair (i love free samples!) and bright eyes. thai lunch, tim horton's breakfast. disjointed thoughts. primal screams and aversion therapy.

name that quote: life is pain, highness! anyone who says differently is selling something.
** 09:52


oh, a friend of mine told me that if i hadn't pre-ordered my playstation2 before july 1st i won't be getting one until next year sometime. man, does THAT suck. you know, that changes all my plans. i may just get a regular playstation and a regular dvd player. probably cheaper to go that route, now that i think about it.
** 08:11


i just emailed my mom to tell her that i'm not going home for thanksgiving this weekend. ugh. i can just see her face when she gets it. argh. i need to learn not to care so much about what other people think and do shit for me. any tips?
** 08:08

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tuesday, october 3

taz has jumped to the conclusion that i'm going to be married and pregnant within two years. so bloody annoying! i'm sure jason would have more than a few choice words on that subject. heh... actually, it'd be funny to hear. maybe i'll mention it to him just to see his reaction. naw. he has enough stress right now. i'll be nice. (although, why i'm nice to someone who punches me in the head -- accidentally or no -- is beyond me.)

oddly enough, that reminds me i have to tell mom i'm not coming for turkey day this weekend, but next weekend instead. why? so i can have three days off and not have to deal with the ferry or being bored and anxious. next weekend will be good. two days will be plenty. i can take mom to a movie (belated birthday outing), do my shopping and get out of there before i get too wound up.

that means that, weather permitting, i can take jason to playland this weekend. it's now or never as it shuts down for the season monday night. i got a couple passes for cheap through work. unfortunately, they're not open during the evening so it's saturday, sunday or monday. hopefully saturday, then i can at least sleep in two days in a row. although, it would be kind of significant if we were there on the very last day. anyhoo, i still have to find out if he wants to go. otherwise i'll ask dean or something, since meg and mark are away.

i'm adorable when i'm babbly. love me!
** 12:49


my landlord has locked the dumpster. seems the neighbours were using it to put their garbage in. i can't really blame them though. i mean, we're in a residential neighbourhood, all single-family dwellings, there isn't a dumpster for blocks and blocks. i'm sure the temptation was overwhelming, especially considering their bag/container restrictions. all i know is that it's a pain in the patoot trying to get that thing unlocked and opened when you've got handfuls of trash -- well, holding garbage bags -- you know what i meant, dammit.

sometimes, when i'm driving along i start picturing myself getting into horrible motor vehicle accidents. i can see the cars ahead of me slamming on their brakes, my swerving hard to the left (crashing against the cement divider) or right (ramming vehicles, diving into a ditch). i can hear the squealing of tires. i can smell the burnt rubber and gasoline. i can feel my body being thrown about inside my car, my ribs cracking against the steering wheel, my skull thudding against the window. then there are the "head on" fantasies... where i just slowly drift into oncoming traffic. all the cars see me coming and honk, but manage to evade me at the last possible second.

i think i watch too much tv.
** 09:14


i swear every pregnant woman from 1973 through 1985 named their daughters either meghan (megan/meegan/etc), jennifer (jenn/jenny/jen) or heather. especially heather. i mean, when i was born it was still somewhat unique. i shouldn't take it too personally, i know. i don't have it as bad as those boy names: john, michael, robert, jason. there is a lot less creativity with them. there are just so many freaking heathers! no wonder i call myself "the other heather" when signing email to my friend named... you guessed it... heather.

anyhoo... i'm still waiting for the coffee to kick in. don't expect sense until at least ten a.m.
** 08:09


i don't know if it was written for me, but it was dedicated to me by a very important person:

i'll have you know
that the girl i love
is more beautiful
than you could
ever imagine.

the sun,
the moon,
the flowers,
and the stars
all stand in line
waiting for the inevitable comparisons.

she leaves them all
unemployed.

thank you, jelly.
** 07:52

* * *

monday, october 2

i have to start studying for my A+ tonight. i need to devote at least one full hour every day to that book. i can do this self-study thing. i can. (yeah, right.) i just have to fight my predilection for procrastination. dear gawd that's going to be a bitch to do. i don't do well with self-guided learning. i much prefer the pressure and deadlines associated with a classroom setting. my best work has been done the night/minutes before a deadline. adrenaline is my friend.
** 14:36


one of my favourite books of all time.
** 11:29


i'm a little terse this morning. i'm not in a bad mood, per se. i can just sense an impending low-tolerance day ahead. probably due to the messed up sleep, excessive alcohol (i'd forgotten how good tequila was) and goofy food intake during the weekend. i'm grateful dad took me out for dinner last night or else i probably wouldn't have eaten at all yesterday. ugh. i need to go grocery shopping tonight.

i look adorable in my combat boots and dual side slit skirt. *pose* gee, i sound so eighth grade when i say things like that.

i'm trying to decide if i want to go to mom's for thanksgiving this coming weekend or stay at home and do nothing. they both have their appeals. at home i won't spend so much money (i hope) and i'll get to see dad on a major holiday -- not just as my taxi to/from the ferry. i think that i'll be able to recharge much more effectively in my own home. less stress. but, if i don't go see mom, then i won't see her 'til xmas since i'll be in the states for the remembrance day long weekend and she won't take well to that. i could go on a two-day weekend between then now and december, i suppose. that might work better, actually. something to think about. but i better think quick.
** 09:21

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sunday, october 1

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