thursday, november 30

she asked me if i was ready. i said yes. she told me she had to make some minor changes. i told her i thought she might. she showed me the new image and i was confused. it looked nothing like the image i'd given her. it was a big blue-green checkerboard. she tried to tell me it looked the same, only simplified. i tried to show her what it should look like, but i couldn't find my original, so i attempted to draw it... that was a mistake, my drawing looked like some three-headed chinese monster on crack.

i wasn't going to let her put anything else but the right image on my body, but i felt pressured to let her do something since i didn't want to waste that hour of her time. luckily, the dream shifted into some weird long, lost, dead kid story that isn't very interesting to type about.
** 11:04


i'm effectively pissing this day away. bad heather.
** 10:11


love match:
Cancer and Pisces
Two watery, emotional types together can be a soppy affair -- but you two are in your element.

sex match:
Cancer and Pisces
You'll find bliss if one of you would just make the first move. There's a deep, unspoken magnetism you can't explain -- and certainly can't ignore.
** 09:44


this is almost painfully true:
Cancer
Professionally and socially, doing what you're good at gives you mighty contentment. So put your potential to work. A nagging sense that you have yet to answer your true calling should be a manifesto to sharpen certain skills and talents. Where you can most achieve is where you're most needed.
** 09:38


you know, i've been back from my holidays for two weeks and i still haven't managed to get my chair back into a comfortable position. my replacement totally fucked up my workstation while she was here. lowering the keyboard tray, adjusting the chair, monitor and light. it wouldn't bug me so much except that it took me a good two months to get the chair to that level of comfort and function.
** 09:15


i got deadman's cd in the mail yesterday. i was too flaky to listen to it last night so i could actually comment on the musical content; but, i did plug it in this morning (when i finally dragged my ass up out of bed -- twenty minutes late) while i was getting ready. after that brief indoctrination, i think i'm going to like it. very much. i have just one qualm... why's the liner so mute? dammit, the best part of getting a cd is reading the liner notes!

i still strive to be mentioned in liner notes. i should probably meet more musicians.

the phone rang at about ten to ten last night. i knew it was tyler, but i couldn't bring myself to miss the last minutes of star trek: voyager to answer the phone. how horrible of a person does that make me?

i had a complete, uninterrupted, coughless night's sleep last night! fuckin-a, man! not once did i wake up coughing. spectacular. i think i snored like a buzz-saw, though. my throat was wrecked when i woke up. oh well, no one was there to hear me.

i find myself in a constant state of boredom lately. not so much when i'm around people, but as soon as i'm alone, i'm completely uninterested in almost anything. i'm thinking i've forgotten how to amuse myself. i had so much practice at it, but now that i've been spending so much time around real people, doing real people things, i've forgotten how to be by myself. either that or it's a form of catching up on my slack in my "off hours" from being social. i mean, being around humans is bloody hard work. always thinking of shit to talk about, et cetera.

i'm not really complaining, mind you. hell, i've had more than enough solitude to last a lifetime. i'm just not sure i've found my happy medium yet. it's always feast or famine with me. i'm either constantly surrounded by people or i'm stuck on this little island of heather, to which no one has directions. i like having jason over on the weekends. i like hanging out with meghan, mark and dean. i love spending time with heather, gary and rowan. i have kickass friends. i'm just getting to this social thing a little late, so i'm behind the curve in scheduling. that must be it. or something.
** 08:06

* * *

wednesday, november 29

dad took me out for chinese food and we had a really good conversation. i asked him about whether his family (ie. his mom, brother & sister) were at all religious when he was younger. i suspected they weren't, but i wanted to find out. it seems i come from a whole whack of irreligious people, actually. what with my grandmother turning her back on her catholic upbringing when she left the farm, etc.

i took half my dinner home (which i'll have for dinner tonight - thanks, dad!), watched the hockey game and was in bed before ten. luckily, i had a much better sleep than the night before. but, i had wild dreams - lots of money, conflict and sex. surprise, surprise.
** 08:54

* * *

tuesday, november 28

it was a very long night.
** 13:10


i'm working really fast and furious on this nasty project just so i can finish it and be done with it for at least a couple of weeks while it goes in for revisions. the problem is, all i want to do, right now, is read my book. i wish i had it on cassette so i could listen to it while i work.
** 12:46


i've been trying to decide if there is anything special about me which would explain why someone would want to spend time with me. i was having a conversation with a friend last night about how wonderful we both thought the other is. i think he was just being a smartass, while i was being really sincere.

i crave approval, so i'm generous. i crave attention, so i'm funny. i want to be needed, so i listen and advise.

i'd like to think i'm generous, funny, courteous, attentive, sensitive and loving because it's my basic personality. that they are not things i do to get something in return. but, the more i think about it, the more it seems that way. then i start thinking about others... don't we all do things to get something in return? how selfless can a human actually be?

it reminds me of an episode of 'friends' when phoebe was trying to find a good deed which was completely selfless. the problem she discovered is that no matter how apparently selfless the act, you feel a sense of accomplishment or pleasure in that act, which is a reward of sorts. how can it be truly selfless if you're rewarded for it?

last night, i left a quarter in the shopping cart at the grocery store. my hands were full and i couldn't have retrieved it without putting myself out, so i left it in there thinking that the next person to pull that buggy out would get a free quarter. that thought made me smile. that was my reward. i was not selfless.
** 10:10


how to repair pleather. yeah, that's exactly what my blog is about. *boggle*
** 09:43


if you're the single person who sleeps with a married person, are you the adulterer, or are they?
** 08:58

* * *

monday, november 27

so, if this pattern sustains itself, i should be making five times what i earn now by the time i'm forty. mmm... yeah, i'd like a six-figure salary.
** 13:53


not to rag too much on what other people put in their blogs -- they are theirs to do with as they please -- but, what's up with blogging the entire lyrics to a song? yeah, sometimes they're powerful and meaningful and you want everyone you know (and don't know, for that matter) to hear it and you hope they'll relate to it in the same way... i suppose it's just that lyrics on a page don't move me quite as much as hearing them does. hey, i've blogged lryics, so i'm not one to disrespect the act. it's just something i wondered about.
** 13:46


i keep remembering to not forget to vote on my way home tonight. i think i'll go grocery shopping, drop the stuff off at home, then go pick who's going to be our leader for the next four years. if i learned anything from that election south of the border, it is that every vote counts. mine probably won't make or break the election, but at least i'll have taken some responsibility in the decision.
** 12:37


i was fiddling with my daytimer this morning and found the lottery tickets i'd bought on friday. i loaded up the bc lottery corp's webpage to check my numbers and... hot damn! i'd won $50. yay me!
** 12:34


i'm not exactly sure what happened to my weekend. i know i had plans which included sleeping, shopping, sleeping, cooking, sleeping, cleaning, sleeping, vegetating and sleeping. i mangaged to do some laundry and get some fitful sleep (mostly hindered by the fact that every time i would lie down, i'd start coughing and hacking until i gagged).

jason came over friday night to watch the hockey game. he left sunday afternoon after watching jurassic park. i wonder about that occasionally. about what? about him, his staying over almost weekly, his motivation, et cetera. is it just that he has nothing else to do or does he truly prefer spending that time with me instead of doing anything else? because it couldn't be that i'm fun to spend time with. i'm just too horrible a human being for that.

the poor guy, i dragged him out sunday morning (after he'd been up 'til 4:30 am finishing tomb raider) to go to the pub to watch the hockey game with meghan and mark. think about it! you're still basically asleep and you're being taken out (*gasp*) to meet your friend's friends (*horrors*)? if i'd been him i would have found a way to get out of it. i was impressed.

extra strength cherry flavoured neo-citran is equally nasty and delightful. it is horribly mediciny to drink, but twenty minutes later, you're blissfully asleep and symptom-free. ahhh, drugs.

yesterday was my three-year anniversary at work. only five more years until i get another week of vacation. ugh.
** 08:54

* * *

friday, november 24

i'm also tempted to buy a humidifier for my apartment. waking up in the middle of the night with my mouth, throat and nose so dry you could blow them away is not my idea of fun. i was thinking of an alternate (read: cheaper) method and thought about just letting a kettle boil for ten or fifteen minutes in the livingroom before i went to bed just to up the humidity level a little. i think about this every winter, but by the time it gets bad enough for me to do anything, it's spring and i forget about it for another ten months.

i'm so not into working today. i'm not even into going out for lunch today. i'd rather just sit here and read my book. hrm. i wonder if he'll still be there when i get home tonight. probably not. hopefully not. i'll read all sorts of stupid things into it if he is.
** 10:21


my company xmas party is next weekend. i have to go see if that taffeda skirt is still available. argh, then i need to find someone who'll hem it before next saturday. shit shit shit. i really wanted to get that skirt for the party. why'd glenda have to go and only give us two week's notice? fuck it. i'll save the $100 and just wear the silver skirt i bought for the xmas party that didn't happen last year.
** 08:57


it's a hearty measure of trust when you leave someone asleep in your bed and you go off to work.
** 08:41

* * *

thursday, november 23

i actually got up at one point during this dream and started acting out what was going on. i knew i was doing it, but i couldn't stop myself. it was like sleepwalking with sentience. very strange, indeed.

i wanted to tell him to be extra careful while working today. not that i think it was a premonition, but i'd hate myself if i didn't warn him and something did happen. i should go find him at coffee time, i think.
** 08:35

* * *

wednesday, november 22

i like how they're a *team* now. not 20 guys and three "stars". the departure of messier worried some because there wouldn't be a leader in the locker room or on the ice. bullshit, i say. they were being held back by the reputation and expectations of the "stars" to carry the team to a victory. now every player on that bench is accountable for contributing to the sucess of the team. every one. that's evident by the fact that after jason strudwick's goal last night against st. louis, only two canucks haven't registered goals. how many other teams in the league can say the same?

i love hockey!
** 10:16


my union has asked me to take a stab at designing their website. i'm not sure if i want to do it. i know i'll be able to come up with something spiffy for them, but i don't want to be tied to it. i'm not big on follow-through. i'll happily set it up, get it running smoothly and then teach someone else to maintain it. and i'd be thrilled to provide occasional help if they want new stuff added, et cetera. it would also be good to add to my portfolio if i ever decide to try to branch off into web design for actual money.

actually, i know myself well enough that i will design something for them because i don't trust the other person who has volunteered their services and i'm an html snob.

anyway, meeting time.
** 08:30


i hate phlegm. *shudder*
** 07:47

* * *

tuesday, november 21

then, there's the issue of this having been my space for the last three years while he's been retired. just when i thought people had forgotten who my father was, he's here to remind them. i suppose it just brings up the worries that people think "nepotism" when they think of my getting hired.

hell, what do i care? i get to see my dad way more now!
** 15:37


ooh. my job evaluation came in today. seems i'm in a higher pay class now. yes, that means i get a raise. of course, i get the increase over 3 years; but, i get one-third retro-actively for last year and the second-third retro-actively from september 1st this year. mmm. nice chunk of change just in time for xmas. yay me!
** 13:42


today's motto:
"i have one nerve left, and you're standing on it."
** 11:13


sheesh, how rude! fucking heather.
** 10:15


i'm loving the blogger upgrade (even if some javascript error prevents me from posting from home). thanks, guys!
** 09:57


oh, weird referrals while i was away:
albino people
blog fuck
mary kay latourneau
"who wants to be a millionaire" "screwed up the first question"
fucking perfume
fubsy site:fubsy.net
disposable pots
vanilla vodka
** 07:24


friday night in new york. 11pm. i've just walked around times square, greenwich village, through washington square park, to the top of soho... my feet are SORE, my throat is raw, my nose is plugged up. we try to sleep. randy gets up and goes out. i sleep, but wake every hour until the alarm goes off at 4:30am.

i get up. i get dressed. i pack everything up again. randy walks me down to my waiting car. i get driven to the airport. there is no one on the road but taxis, limos, town cars and tractor-trailers. we pass by an accident. this starts the first conversation between the driver and i.

he asks if i'm going home. i say yes. he asks where home is. i tell him. he says he has friends there. he also says he visited in 1989 and really liked our alrt (advanced light rapid transit - i think). i say that's where i work. small world, huh?

i get to the airport. there are twenty people lined up to check in. there is no one working the counter. we watch as they slowly start their days, slowly helping us check in. i go outside for one last throat-searing smoke before i'm trapped on the plane for six hours.

we board. i have my window seat. then they come. the young asian couple with the BABY. the food question was: "eggs or pancakes?" i took the pancakes. the movie was "the kid".

we land. my foot is sore. walking hurts. we're a long way from customs and i have to walk a long way. i also have to pee. i didn't pee on the plane because the young asian couple's child was asleep on their tray-tables, blocking any exit from my row.

i get home. i do laundry. i cook a boca burger for something to eat. i have good intentions of getting my turn signal fixed and buying groceries. i phone the garage, they can't fit me in. meghan phones and asks if i want to go to the pub. i say yes, i'll meet them there after i go shopping. i try to start the car to go shopping, it sputters out and won't start again. i curse. a lot.

i go to the pub. i drink beer. i play cards. i smoke. i socialize. i have a really good time. i go home. i crash.

it was a long, 20-hour day.
** 07:23

* * *

monday, november 20

speaking of which, i transcribed my long-hand blogging and uploaded it for your reading pleasure (if you're so inclined). you'll notice i got noticably less verbose as the trip wore on and there are lots of the more recent happenings not included (like my adventure in new york city) which i may write about if i feel the urge.

without further ado: bloglets - the missing days
** 13:04

* * *

sunday, november 19

i'm so glad to be home.
** 09:48

* * *

saturday, november 18

i have pages upon pages of stuff i wrote long-hand i need to transcribe. until then, i'm doing laundry and recuperating.
** 12:51

* * *

friday, november 3

i did manage to find a satchel-type bag last night -- a $19.97 walmart special, too! moments later, my turn signal stopped working again. i attempted to fix it with two dire results. one: i discovered the bulb is corroded to the bulb socket, fusing them together; and, two: after discovering this, in a moment of frustration, i managed to smash the new bulb i'd procured when slamming the hatchback closed.

this means that i have to get home from the airport in two weeks and immediately go to the garage and get it fixed. yay me. *grumble*

anyway, i think my packing stress is quelled. and, i'm not using the HUGE second bag, as i figured i'd have to. although, i'm second-guessing myself on that point since i'll have little to no room to bring anything back (like the can of tobacco my father requested as a minor condition of the $100 US he gave me last night).

so, here i go... as i told deadman yesterday, i'll try to update at least a couple times while i'm gone, but if all goes as planned, i won't have time.
** 10:29

* * *

thursday, november 2

1. my own cooking.
2. my hand-held shower nozzle.
3. lazing about in various stages of undress.
4. knowing which drawer the cutlery is in.
5. farting (hey, we ALL do it...
    i just had the guts to type it).
6. my pillow.
7. laundry.
8. my own space.
9. billy, deadman & jason.
10. tomb raider (we're 3/5ths finished!)
** 15:09


i just had this sudden thought. what if i were to cancel my trip and just stay home for two weeks with him? just playing playstation, watching tv, playing cards, ordering in, going for the occasional romp in the woods. it was violently appealing.
** 13:46


fuck me! that stupid, wonderful bag i've been coveting since i saw it on saturday while out and about wasn't there when i went to the mall at lunch today. goddammit! it would have been perfect! so, now i'm officially obsessed and must find something the same and/or similar before i catch my plane tomorrow. i've done almost all my work now... my boss should let me leave to go shopping. grr.
** 13:22


the new guy in my building wears black stanfield boxer briefs. i know this because his laundry was sitting in the washer when i went to use it last night. he's also twenty years old. i know this because he left his driver's license in his pocket and it got washed.
** 09:54


on the drive into work this morning i saw this repair van with an odd license plate dangling from the back of it. my curiousity was piqued, so i took a closer look. "Broken Wind HVAC Repair" it said on the side. i thought that was a clever company name. i took another look at the side of the van and saw "Open 24 hrs Ph. 555-1323". that's when i realized it was a movie prop and the guy was driving it to or from a set. broken wind... heh. i love living in hollywood north.
** 09:05


stupid memes...
Mmm ... mocha! Strong and rich but not too sweet you're the flavor of late nights and early mornings. A coffeehouse regular, you've cornered the market on deep thoughts and probably have a little more than your fair share of brains. In fact, those who know you may even consider you an intellectual, a label that suits you just fine. Deep and thoughtful, you love the academic life or at least the structured pursuit of knowledge. And, since hitting the books often means all-nighters, what better flavor than mocha to keep you company? Chocolaty and intense, you're a truly tasty treat.
** 08:00

* * *

wednesday, november 1

i can't decide if it's more sad that i'm #17 or i'm blogging about being #17 (which will probably bump me up to a higher number which will prompt another post about my new rank, which will... well, you know where i'm going with this). this torrez guy is sick and twisted.
** 15:17


argh. it's 3 o'clock and i've done all my work and all i can think about is that really slick bag i saw at metrotown on saturday. it would be perfect for this trip. big enough for my binder, textbook, novel and assorted assortments plus secure enough to keep my passport and wallet in while travelling. it's $50 though. i mean, fifty bucks for a bag? my rucksack was twenty, but still.

i find it odd just what i'll be frugal about, but i won't think twice about going overspending on other things (like the new hair dryer i bought last night). i told jason i was "cheap with moments of fiscal insanity". he laughed, pointed at my playstation and said "like that!"

actually, swinging by metrotown on the way home might not be such a bad idea. i can go into chapters and find something to read on the plane(s) and bus(es). i could just finish dune, but i think it's a little too dry for travelling.
** 15:07


my mind is playing an awful trick on me. it keeps thinking that i leave tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow. so i'm getting these brief surges of adrenaline as i begin to freak out about something i haven't done/bought yet, until i realize have a whole other day to get them done/bought.

i think i'll be decadent tonight and order dinner in and play tomb raider while i do my laundry. yeah. that sounds good.
** 14:24


i just realized how gross that sounds. he's not rank, he just smells... manly.
** 12:40


even after two days without a shower and wearing the same clothes, i love the way he smells. pheromones... not just for wildlife anymore.
** 12:16


holy CRAP! $200 us funds cost me $308.12 canadian. that bloody bites. on top of that, the teller gave me one c-note and two fifties. now i'm paranoid they didn't check them for being counterfeit and they'll get confiscated the first time i try to use one when i get down there.

oh, and my friend in nyc can't get any time off so i'm not getting any tour other than what he can squeeze in two friday nights. that fucking blows. although i'd never pick nyc as a travel destination, i was getting excited about seeing it since i was there. fuck. now i'm disappointed.
** 11:27


if people would stop talking to me (and i would stop blogging), i could get some work done. that being said, i'm going to the bank to get my american money now.
** 10:41


today would have been my grandmother's 91st birthday had she not died in 1990. i still miss you, gummy.
** 09:40


hey, i have a deadman in my own backyard! who knew?
** 09:19


ack! the muscle underneath my right eye is twitching rhythmically. it feels weird. and not in a good way.
** 09:05


i bought a pack of four crunchie bars for gary since he can't get them in the states. i ate one of them last night. i know i can go buy another one to replace it, but i still feel guilty. someone remind me to buy some shreddies.
** 09:00


let's designate this "zero-content day", shall we? and to start off, some referrals:

albino -snake -gecko -ferret
          -budgerigar -cockatiel -rock
          -nirvana -software
giraffe tattoo
healing
quilt
** 08:01

* * *