saturday, december 30

* * *

friday, december 29

i'm still not 100%, but i feel a lot better this morning. i'm too hot, but i'm dressing for that eventual chill which will arise about 10:30am. my eyes hurt when i woke up. it was the strangest thing. it hurt to move my eyes from side to side. were my dreams so frantic that rem sleep strained my eye muscles? if so, why can't i remember these dreams? anyway, i took some tylenol and now i'm just overheating like an old radiator. whee!

i should finish getting dressed and go to work, i suppose. finish my belgian hazelnut coffee and then brush my toofies. hop in the car and motor on down the highway. i love driving to work the week between xmas and new years. everyone has it off and the commute is so easy. if only it was like this every day.

the one good thing about being sick: i haven't smoked in two and a half days.
** 06:29

* * *

thursday, december 28

i feel a little better, but now instead of being too cold, i'm too hot. i'm just never happy, am i?
** 16:48


you know, at this rate, i might as well just stay for the whole fucking day now. i'm freezing, but my head hurts less. i'm afraid to stand up though, i'll probably fall over. i'm also nervous about having to tell sam i want to go home. he's so intimidating sometimes. ugh. i want my mommy.
** 10:13


of course, because i want to get everything done fast so i can leave, rhonda's taking her own sweet time with getting stuff to me. fine. i'll just hack my lung up on my desk, then.
** 09:02


i'm overheated, woke with a three-tylenol headache, dizzy, probably feverish and definitely shouldn't be at work. but i am. not for long, though. as soon as my work's done, i'm going home.
** 07:38

* * *

wednesday, december 27

last night, after dad dropped us off at my place and we'd settled in and poured the wine, jason came up to me with this eager, puppy-dog look and said "zags?!" first, i don't think i can describe the pronounciation he used. it was, quick and harsh. it sounded more like 'zegs', now that i think about it. the first time he said it, i had no idea what he was talking about, so i ignored him. the second time he did it, i heard "sex?!" as in "let's have sex. now!" it was NOT something i was expecting to hear, freudian or not. i replied something like "your timing sucks." he had no idea what i meant by that and i started laughing and saying something about "men!"

by now, i had half a clue floating around in my head that he really did not say sex and that he really didn't want to drop to the floor and fuck like bunnies. this, of course, caused me to become embarrassed. when he said "zags?!" a third time, i offered him my pack of cigarettes. he looked at me quizzically. no, still hadn't gotten it right... that's when the light blazed on and i finally realized what he was talking about. zig-zag rolling papers! holy shit. now i really was embarrassed. no one's ever called them zags to me, though. papers. rollies. not bloody zags. he sat there trying to work out what i'd thought he'd said. as i told him repeatedly to forget it. he probably did, eventually. it's my own bloody fault i'm writing this out and reminding him.
** 14:41


i've never been kissed at midnight on new year's eve. for some reason i see this as a great tragedy, as if i've been left out of some really secret club. the one time there was someone around with the potential for midnight kissing, he'd gone to bed at 11:30pm, leaving me alone watching the nightmare before christmas.

maybe this year...
** 09:50


i'm back at work after four days off which didn't feel like four days off. i'm also waiting for, nay, loathing that first person to come up and ask "so, how was your xmas?" ugh. not that i don't appreciate their interest in my life and that they bothered to ask, but, by the end of the week, i'll have told twenty-five people about how boring and uneventful my weekend was. how the best present i got was a star-frit can opener from my mom and that i saw two movies. it just makes me feel so... dull. besides, i blog to talk about my life. once i've done that, i don't want to talk about it anymore.

my boss isn't here today, which means i can leave at three-thirty. yay! other than that, in about half an hour, maybe less, the year end payroll rush will begin. ack. and i forgot to bring the tensor bandage for my wrist (yes, gentle readers, with overwork i needst wrap my left wrist as a preventative measure against a repetitive strain injury). i suppose i can get one from first aid, later.

i keep coughing these pathetic coughs which aren't really accomplishing anything other than distributing little glowing dots of spittle onto my monitor. ever notice that liquid on a crt magnifies the little red, green and blue dots? that's how i first discovered them on our television. i don't know if i coughed, sneezed or sent my drink flying, but there were these little glowing droplets on the screen. i got up right close to them and peered intently. i must have been seven or eight years old. i thought it was cool. i also surmised that the dots must move along the screen as the picture moves. well, give me a break. i was only eight!

by the way, my best present really was the star-frit can opener.

dinner at my mom's neighbour's wasn't as bad as i feared. we were there for a few hours, the food was good, they're a lively couple. xmas eve at the aunt & uncles was also good. but, i always like being there on xmas eve. they're just so... hyper. it's fun to sit back and watch. visited pat & bob, too, which is always fun, if too short.

i could have done without the multitude of conversations which went something like:
"so, who's your new honey?"
i glare at mom. "i don't have a honey."
"oh, but, i thought your mom said you had a new man in your life."
"no. there is no new man in my life."
"but..." and they would look at my mom for backup."
mom would say, "i didn't tell them that! i just said you were hanging out with jason!"
i would glare again. the tactful wouldn't press. that did not include my aunt:
"so, how close of a friend? cuddling close? well?"
"it's really none of your business."
my cousin val, "now that's the right answer!" (i got the feeling she didn't like those questions when she was single, either.)

didn't really buy anything for myself. while we were out mom kept trying to buy me something, but i didn't find anything i really wanted until we got to cotton ginney. i found this great sweater. it's not too heavy, not too light. nor is it too long or too short. and it's dark green, more dark khaki, i suppose. i tried it on and she said "do you like it? want me to buy it?" finally, i said yes. she was so pleased. my mom is funny. i did get a great beatrix potter calendar for the office. half price! i think it even has some stickers with it to mark "important dates". i love beatrix potter and peter cottontail.

i better not be getting sick. *cough* i also need to suss out what i'm going to do for lunch since i didn't get a chance to make anything last night with jason over. we caught the same ferry back from the island yesterday. dad brought us both to my place, we hung out and got baked, then i drove him home at ten-ish. it wouldn't have been so bad but it was a dark and miserable night and i was totally zoned into my driving. he was babbling away about something, but i don't think i was paying too much attention. and, for that, i feel bad. anyway, i manged to be in bed by midnight or so. not too bad. but, that means i need to go out for lunch. i'm thinking i'll go to subway. yeah, if i buy a snapple, i get my sub free. and i thought xmas was over!
** 08:14

* * *

sunday, december 24

* * *

saturday, december 23

i don't think i've forgotten anything. mom's presents: check. fruitcake: check. gift certificates: check. clothes: check. dishes: negative. garbage: negative. blast it. i'm just going to have more coffee.

i'm going to try to find something xmassy for background noise while i get ready. heck. i think i'll plug in it's a wonderful life. i love that movie.
** 09:55

* * *

friday, december 22

sandy just gave me a present! oh my. i totally didn't expect that. it's a beautiful sand-blasted bowl and four floating candles. she said it was a "thank you" for being so patient with her in her new payroll job this year. she is one of the nicest people here.

i woke up at 5:25 this morning and hopped right in the shower, no dragging my heels getting out of bed today. i was listening to the radio and they played 'the hannukhah song' and i was bouncing and singing along. on the drive into work there was barely any traffic, i practically flew. there was an accident on my route, but it was in the opposite direction. i was hoping my dad was outside having a drag on his pipe when i got here because all i wanted to do was run up to him and give him a huge hug, just because i love him. i'm happy-bouncy and full of the spirit of the season. i don't want to work at all, but i don't mind that i'm here. i have to stop by julie's either at lunch or on the way home to drop off her present. it's just this little ornament i picked up for her while i was in maine, but i want to make sure she gets it to put on her tree this year.

and, while i have the floor and i'm in a rambly-babbly mood, i just wanted to say to all those bloggers out there (with specific nods to the ones mentioned over on the sidebar to the left), i hope you all have a suitably happy, joyous and special holidays, no matter what your affiliation and a spectacular new year. i'm grateful to have been able to get to know you through your writing and hope to be able to enjoy the glimpses into your lives and minds in the year to come. merry ho ho!
** 08:21

* * *

thursday, december 21

it's not even three o'clock yet. it's dark enough to be later. i keep forgetting that today is the shortest day of the year. it's also my very good friend tyler's birthday. i wonder what it would be like to be born on the winter solstice. would your life be somehow charmed or enchanted? would it make you dark and brooding, like the day on which you were brought into the world?

either way, i love tyler very much and hope his birthday is everything he desires and more. he deserves it more than anyone i know.
** 15:11


dear god, why isn't it friday yet?! *sob*
** 10:23

* * *

wednesday, december 20

i did get my paystubs today and found out just how much my retroactive pay is. yes! $700 extra dollars! i was thinking i could do some upgrades to my computer (ram, video card, hard drive), that would quickly eat up $500. or, i could be responsible and put it on my visa bill. or, i could blow half and put half on visa. or, i could put it away and use it for the damage deposit & that bed i covet in the new apartment i hope to move into before spring. sigh. money sucks.

going out for dinner with my dad and my step-mother's brothers (you figure that out). should be fun. i actually like her brothers. i went to school with cliff's daughter, elaine. she was a year or two ahead of me in highschool. it helped the transition from elementary to secondary school knowing that i knew one of the "big kids". actually, elaine's best friend was sisters with this guy, andrew, i had a crush on for years. i used to sit behind him in german class and just stare at the back of his neck and dream about the day he'd turn around, notice me and fall madly in love.

i was talking to iain via email today, getting him to preview an idea i had for the eventual unwrapping of fubsy.net. he didn't like it, the limey bastard. (i love you, iain!) i found out that his favourite of my blog designs is the starry one that only lasted two days or so. i really didn't like it, myself. he has a thing for that boxy look, it seems. i thought it was too bland. not that this one is exciting, but it has a bit more personality, in my mind.

mike introduced me to this guy from our sister company's IT department as "the web person". at least he didn't call me a data entry clerk. that would have been humiliating.
** 15:51


i wrote this an hour and a half ago:
this is driving absolutely fucking insane! we're having weird and disconnected internet connectivity issues at work and i don't know if it's the dns or routing or if it's "out there somewhere" or it's our adsl provider's problem. some sites (like google, deadman's blog, and vegsource) work fine, while others (like MY blog and blogger, dammit) are inaccessable. email from outside is only working intermittently. blech. i hate not having my linux console and tools at work. at least then i could try to find out what's going on.
** 12:19


it's my daddy's birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!
** 09:20

* * *

tuesday, december 19

today felt like friday. it still does. i'm thinking it's going to be a bitch trying to get up and to work tomorrow morning. ugh.
** 21:39


i'm not talkative today. should make our xmas lunch interesting. hmm. i should take some tylenol for this headache before i leave.
** 13:05


i need a javascript guru.
** 11:32


my car started! this is better than the lottery!
** 08:00

* * *

monday, december 18

i managed to arrive at the garage with more than enough time to spare, my worries about that were unfounded. i turned the corner and saw my little blue car sitting outside, looking shiny after being scrubbed by friday night's snowfall. i walked inside and steve came out of the shop to serve me.

"how's my car?" i asked.
"good. is this your key?" he asked in return, holding my key with the little pink car keychain.
"yup, that's mine. so, my car will start when it's -4, right?"
"oh yeah. it'll start."
"so, what's the damage?" i hesitantly inquired.
"your dad took care of the bill," he grinned. "a christmas present."
"what?" my jaw must have hit the floor. "oh my god. i'll have to go hug him for an hour. thank you!"
"you're welcome. merry christmas."

my father, that bum! he wasn't supposed to pay for my car! he was supposed to pay for my bcaa membership, which was far, far, far less money. i just don't have the words to express the feeling of awe and gratitude at what he did. merry christmas, indeed.

i phoned him as soon as i got home. he told me i was a good kid and that my "thank you" was more than enough thanks for him. my father... i'm too lucky for words.
** 18:14


dear gawd. can this get any tighter? lesse... my car will be done in about an hour, but i have to take transit all the way back and somehow manage to get there before they close at six. what about cabbing with dad, you ask? dad left at 2:30 today, the bastard. i don't think i'll even be able to catch a ride up the hill to the station since eileen is off today.

i wouldn't feel so pressured except that i have to go buy my boss some wine so that we can give it to him before we go for our xmas lunch tomorrow. i just have to remember: i'll have my car. i'll have my car. i'll have my car. om.
** 15:13


well, i phoned the garage. "you need a tune up, distribtor and rotor. have you had the timing belt changed?" yeah, i've had the timing belt changed. 50,000 kilometres ago. it's going to be about two-hundred bucks. so, that's probably $250-300 by the time it's all said and done. the best part is i get 10% off when i use my classicII visa card! that's almost all the tax. whoo.

steve said he'd phone when it's done. i started thinking about that. if they close at 5:30 and not 6:30 tonight, there's absolutely no way i could get there before they close by taking transit. so, if i ever find my father, i'll ask him if he wants to split a cab since his car should be done by then, too.

i didn't ask if it started or not this morning. i just know that if it doesn't start the next morning it's below zero out, steve is going to wish he'd never been born.
** 11:19


tyler told me that i would get mad at him when i got my xmas present. i tried to to explain to him that i couldn't possibly get mad about a gift that i didn't expect to get in the first place. he then said that the more i protested, the more certain he was that i would yell at him when i got it. i'm not sure if i should be worried that he's making a point of getting me a gift he knows i'll get upset about, or what. either way, now i'm painfully curious and just want it to get here, whatever it turns out to be.
** 09:13


i can't get the song 'edelweiss' out of my head. i knew i shouldn't have watched the sound of music last night. actually, most of the soundtrack is rattling around in my head this morning. my coworkers are going to love my bursting into 'maria' or 'my favourite things' at inappropriate moments throughout the day.
** 08:00

* * *

sunday, december 17

he said "i need to start doing that." i agreed and encouraged him to use the one he's already begun. he's worried that his memory isn't sticky enough to keep details in mind long enough for him to write about. he doesn't think he can develop a "style" as the bloggers he's read. he really likes deadman's style (don't we all?) and mine (saying he'd read mine even if he didn't know me -- wow, flattering).

i can't speak for other blogs, but i know that i didn't go into this thinking "yeah, i'm going to develop this really cool style of blogging and everyone will think i'm so cool." i just liked what i'd read in other people's journals then one day heard about blogger and it all just fell into place. i honestly didn't think it would last more than a month.

i told jason last night that i just write what i think about. yeah, sometimes i dress up the vocabulary; when else can i use "consternation" in my daily life? i never really thought about writing in a style. honestly, jason's insistance (playful, i hope) that it was pre-meditated on my part kind of offended me. in my mind that seemed to belittle the truthful portayal of my sad, boring life.

i also explained that, at least for me, after you've done this awhile you notice that when things in your life happen, you start paying a little more attention to some of the details or find yourself making a conscious decision to remember it for later transcription. sometimes, like the stuff i think up while falling asleep at night, slips through the cracks in my cranium, but most seems to hang around just long enough to flee out my fingertips and onto this screen.

i hope he starts blogging. i have a strong suspicion that his prose will be startling, provoking and humourous. i'd love for a wider audience to be exposed to some of the stuff he comes out with. he's really rather splendid.
** 15:32


i wish i knew why i was so emotional lately. i cried on wednesday morning after i phoned my dad to come rescue me. that was a cry of frustration and helplessness. jason left me half asleep to go home at four-thirty this morning and as soon as he closed the door i burst into tears. i don't know why, other than a vague feeling of inadequacy. this morning, watching a tape of road rules i felt myself tear up again. i'm going to just chalk it up to pms, 'cause my nipples and back have been sore this week, too.
** 11:46

* * *

saturday, december 16

it's not a good car-week for my family, it seems.
** 20:02


i feel defeated and deflated like a week-old helium balloon. all withered and wrinkled, with barely enough bouyancy to keep itself upright while it rests on the floor.

the tow truck came at ten-thirty this morning to take my car and i to the shop. it had snowed overnight, but started raining at first light. the roads were slushy. the temperature hovering around 4 degrees centigrade. i sat awhile in the waiting room while the mechanics took care of other customers. after an hour, i went across the street to get some coffee and buy bread and jam. i think someone i knew ten years ago was working at the starbucks i patronized, but i didn't have the nerve to ask him his name.

i came back to the garage. the nice phillipino man told me the news i feared to hear. the car started fine for them. i should have tried it myself. it wouldn't have started for me, i'm sure. they're going to keep it at the shop. hopefully it will cool down again sunday night and when they try to start it monday morning it will fail. i hope it fails.

i took the bus home. i will phone my father later on today and tell him that i will have to impose upon his good will again on monday, at least. i've never actually wanted it to be cold so much in my life.

i hope the world freezes sundy night. i hope squirrels are frozen in their curled up little poses. i hope the streets are sheets of ice. i hope homeless people get frostbite. i hope water mains break and flood downtown department stores. i hope my car does not start on monday morning and the mechanics defty diagnose and repair its injuries.

i wish jason would come over and distract me from this feeling of gloom which has pervaded me. he won't. so i'm going to eat pizza-flavoured pringles and watch road rules on tv.
** 13:53


more snow. blech.
** 08:45

* * *

friday, december 15

when my boss asked me to start working on our online document centre, i was pleased enough. i tackled it head on, even teaching myself frontpage (not because i wanted to, but because i knew it would make my job somewhat easier). along with frontpage 97 came a neat little program called image composer. it looked scary to my graphic-retarded eyes. i'd never used anything more complicated than paint. but, i needed to create stuff for work, so i muddled through the tutorials and learned as i made mistake after mistake. after about a year i was flying through that program with ease. i knew how to get it to do exactly what i wanted, when i wanted. i knew its limitations and had discovered ways to work around most of them.

then the upgrade came.

they replaced my computer with a bigger, faster beast. ooh... i liked that thought. but, i had a new os. i had a new version of office. and along with it a new version of image composer... but it wasn't even called that anymore. the bastards (at microsoft) had swapped it out in lieu of something called photo draw. i was worried that i wouldn't be able to use it as fluently as i had it's predecessor. that i would be subjected to another round of trial and error. why did i have to relearn everything? why couldn't they just give me back my trust program? i asked. they said no. i pleaded. they said we'll look. i never heard anything else after that.

i tried, give me that much credit. i read the help files. i dutifully hunted through menus and toolbars looking for something, anything that looked familiar to me. i discovered kludgy ways to accomplish tasks, but never with the same amount of finesse as i was accustomed to. i had almost forgotten what it was like to use composer until the fateful day i found a beta version online. thirty-day trial! my mind raced with the possibilities... install it! uninstall it 29 days later. then install it again! rinse. repeat. i'll have my beloved back!

i used it ravenously for those twenty-nine days. i created spectacular images. i even learned new tricks with my old pal. then the twenty-ninth day arrived. i uninstalled the program, carefully assuring it that it was not to be for naught. i set about reinstalling it. everything went smoothly until i double-clicked on the icon... "your thirty day evaluation period has expired." i uninstalled then installed again. "your thirty day evaluation period has expired." i uninstalled, i checked the registry, i installed. "your thirty day evaluation period has expired."

i felt like a doctor trying to resussitate a patient who's been dead for too long to offer hope. i kept charging the paddles and yelling "clear!" hoping that just one more shock would bring it back to life. once more. it might work this time. don't tell me there's no hope. there's always hope!

there was no hope. i deleted all trace of the program that afternoon. i mourned quietly in my corner and cursed the projects that were never to be born; the graphics which i would never set loose upon the world. i dragged my feet and hung my head as i walked down the corridor on my way home that night. i was defeated. change 1, heather 0.

today, i downloaded paint shop pro 7. the thirty-day evaluation copy. i will teach myself how to use this program and then i will insist, nay, demand that my manager purchase it for me. i will keep the cd closely guarded. the next time mike insists on upgrading my machine the next thing that is installed after windows and office will be this program. i will be satisfied.
** 14:28


exerpted from heather's email:

Yes, these daily design changes (or is it just that I'm not online enough lately) are making me dizzy, too. The latest goes back to your original "dear god, how can anyone read text so light and small" design roots, though! ;)

i'm not exactly sure why, but the thought that i have "design roots" pleases me to no end.
** 12:49


i dreamt about both billy and deadman last night. the details are now a little fuzzy, but i know that deadman was adorable & charming and billy tried to kiss me (thank goodness jessica doesn't put much stock in dreams). then there's the vague impression that there was something more nefarious going on as sub-text... that's all right, i didn't wake up whimpering and shaking in the middle of the night as i did the previous sleep. blargh. just thinking about that nightmare makes me shiver.
** 08:24


sometimes it's a fight to be honest with myself and my blog. especially when i know that some of the people i write about read this on a semi-regular basis. more often than i care to count, i've probably held back from discussing topics i knew would cause conflict with someone i care about, regardless of how much i needed an outlet to vent about them. you see, that's just who i am. i don't like conflict. i'll do anything to avoid a fight. actually, after reading that 'tmgaihaa' i can't think of anyone (other than my mother) i've ever had a serious screaming match with. it's just not something i do. i actually worry about that sometimes.

fighting is right up there with silence, i think. when you're really comfortable and feel safe in a relationship, of whatever flavour, with someone you should be comfortable in silence with them. i'm starting to think it should be the same with fighting. that you don't worry that an argument will cause someone to stop liking you; that expressing your true feelings about something will destroy a relationship.

this is mine and i don't have to be tactful if i don't want to be. i don't want to worry that if i talk about how i was wondering about whether someone's getting it on, how they will react the next day when i talk to them. maybe i did this the wrong way and shouldn't have told my friends about it. maybe i should have kept it private and only let random surfers stumble across it. but, i didn't, and probably wouldn't if i did it over again. my pride cajoled me into making sure everyone i know knew about it. "look! this is my baby! love me for it!" ironic, isn't it?
** 07:39

* * *

thursday, december 14

the drive home in the snow was slow but uneventful. dad was driving and i have the utmost confidence in his ability to manoeuvre in the snow. he did grow up in northern ontario, after all. oddly enough, there was almost three inches of snow at work, but barely any left at my house. not that i'm complaining! it just goes to show... don't like the weather? drive for five minutes in any direction and you will most likely find something more suitable.

ahhh... i love vancouver.
** 19:59


have i mentioned i get nervous when it snows?
** 15:31


it's snowing.
** 13:56


Say what? Your superpower is ANIMAL COMMUNICATION! Many people pretend to talk to their pets, but you can really, truly do it. Have you ever mimicked the monkeys or the penguins at the zoo? If you have, you're on your way to becoming a great animal communicator, just like Aquaman with his fishy friends. Some people think animal communication has to be vocal. Not so. Any superhero knows that mental telepathy is where it's at. So while barking at Fido might be fun, it's not the practice you really need. Instead, try thinking like an animal. When you get into the mindset of, say, a squirrel, you'll be able to truly communicate with one. Of course it's a two way street, because you'll be able to understand everything they say back, too. And they've got a lot to tell! Imagine talking to a walrus about the deep ocean or to an ant about life underground. Once you've perfected your superhuman gift, you'll never be without interesting conversation.
** 12:46


y'all vs. ya'll

i've been having this debate ever since i got online and did a lot of communicating with the written word. i'll freely admit i'm a spelling and grammar freak. nothing irks me more than misspellings and errant apostrophes (not to say i'm perfect. far from it. but, at least i have the courtesy to blush when i'm caught in an error instead of proclaiming that "spelling doesn't count" or "it's just the internet"). obviously, you'll notice that i don't capitalize. that was a conscious decision i made about four years ago. it's half sloth and half statement.

but, back to today's debate. by the rules i was taught as a wee tot in the canadian public school system, apostrophes replace vowels in contractions. okay. now, either way you spell it, the phrase is universally understood to mean "you all" (example: see you all later).

now, let's look at the contenders.

y'all
the placement of the apostrophe seems to indicate that there are missing vowels between the y and the a. that gives us "y__all". when contracting you (example: y'know), it's common practice to omit the ou and replace it with an apostrophe. so, if we insert ou where the apostrophe resides we get "youall", or, properly spaced, "you all".

ya'll
following the same logic of vowel substitution, we have "ya__ll". now, convention dictates that when 'll is appended to the end of a word it is a contraction of will (example: it'll, we'll, they'll). also, by convention, ya is slang for yes. that would make this example a contraction of "yes will".

in conclusion, if the commonly accepted meaning is "you all" and commonly accepted rules of spelling and grammar point to only one phrase as translating to "you all", it must be foregone that y'all is the correctly spelled version of this phrase.

and that's the last time i'm going to explain that.
** 10:08


i'm starting to feel a little badly about my dislike of anna. i mean, it's not entirely her fault she's incompetent. she keeps making these overtures of conversation and i'm so rude to her. i get snappish with my terse answers and i refuse to look at her. actually, i don't look at her because if i did, her nervous fluttering would make me want to lash out and strike her.

on the other hand, i have every right to dislike her. for absolutely no reason, if i so choose. i have reasons to dislike her... petty, trite reasons; but, reasons nonetheless. they can make me work with her, but they can't make me be her friend.

oh, yeah. new design again. i can't decide if it's because i'm overflowing with creativity or i'm just template-schitzo. probably a little of both. i'm keeping a running list of designs used so far over on the left. feel free to steal anything you find appealing. i don't want you to link to me or anything, but if you happen to use something, maybe drop me a note so i can go take a peek.
** 09:08

* * *

wednesday, december 13

the short story: it wasn't the battery 'cause the car wouldn't start again this morning.

the long story: i got up, had a nice, hot shower until the downstairs neighbour started her nice hot shower and mine got chilly. i made breakfast, checked email, dried my hair, got dressed, even put on a little make up since i'm going out for lunch today. i was outside, in my car by 6:25. i thought, as i walked outside, "i have full confidence that my car is going to start." i get in, i put the key in the ignition and... it turns over but it won't catch. it almost caught on the fourth try, but didn't. i sat out there for at least fifteen minutes, hoping against hope that the next time i turned the key it would start, all the while thinking of what else i could do. unfortunately for my father, he'd left me a message last night that said if i needed a ride to let him know. so, at 6:40 i went back inside and phoned him. he said i didn't wake him up, that he was just lying there dozing, but i'm not so sure. he said he'd drive me to work. on his day off, no less. i love my dad. he may even come pick me up and take me home, if his schedule permits.

anyway, my job today is to call the shop (probably the icky one i don't trust 'cause it's the only one within the five kilometre tow radius i get for my first tow from bcaa), tell them the symptoms and pray that they know what it is, can fix it quickly and cheaply and i can get my stupid car running again. just in time for it to snow tomorrow morning! ain't i lucky? *grumble*

i'm so completely fed up with all this... i got off the phone with dad this morning and just started bawling. it was a short cry, but it was torrential. so, now i'm at work, puffy-eyed and grumbly. luckily i wasn't late nor will i want to leave early today, either. yesterday, when i told sam i was leaving at 3:30 since i'd started at seven he gave me this dirty look. goddamn! i put in my fucking eight hours, give me a bloody break!

so, it's going to be cranky day, i can just tell. it always is when i'm preoccupied with things.
** 07:37

* * *

tuesday, december 12

now, i just have to wait until the morning to see if that was actually what was wrong. hopefully it will, 'cause dad as the day off and i'll have to take the stupid bus to work again if my car won't start.
** 19:33


the department xmas lunch is finally planned. and i don't feel at all guilty that there are no decorations up or that we're not getting sam a bottle of wine this year. sherri did the wine buying and i'm sick of being the only person putting up decorations every year. let someone else take some initiative, for pete's sake.

now i have to find a battery before i leave at three-thirty. yikes. i better get on that.
** 13:06


oh shush. i told you i wasn't ecstatic about the last design. comments?
** 10:24


the car wouldn't start when i got home. i phoned bcaa and talked to mary-jane. she signed me up for membership with the bad news that i would have to pay an extra $20 and my first tow was limited to five kilometres because my car was already broken down when i signed up. i said "but, what if don't call until tomorrow?" with a happy little quirk to my voice. she said, in a rather cranky tone, "we have to charge that because it's like calling for house insurance when the house is on fire." i later managed to get her to drop the sign-up fee, so i saved (dad) $18.95.

i told jason this and he was all bouncy about my getting it started and going out to surrey to pick him up so he could fix it and then we could go "sleighing around downtown". whatever that meant. he got all huffy at me when i told him i didn't want to deal with my car any more and i was going to sit at home, watch my new copy of full metal jacket and basically forget i have a car that doesn't run. that completely threw me for a loop. i stomped around my apartment for ten minutes swearing at him and his attitude. then i walked down to the gas station and bought cigarettes.

i came home from the store, did dishes, cooked lunch, watched bad television, got online for a while, tried phoning tyler and was in bed by 9:15pm. i was up at 5:35am and outside, waiting for my dad at 6:20.

so, the plan is to find out when walmart's automotive shop is open until tonight and if they can put a battery in if i can get my car there before they close. then, get home, call road service and see if a boost will get me down there, else have them tow me. and, hopefully, by the end of business today, my car will be running again. i hope. i *really* hope. i feel so totally lost without a functioning vehicle.
** 07:59

* * *

monday, december 11

just a little background: i've been worried about the state of my battery since my return from vacation. my father agreed to get me a bcaa membership for xmas, but i haven't gotten it yet (i was going to on my way home tonight. really). this is the first cold snap of the year. i owed my boss half an hour for leaving early friday afternoon.

can you see where this is going? yup, i woke up at 4:44am to make sure there was no snow on the ground. there wasn't, so i went back to bed until 5:30. i got up, showered, dressed, made breakfast, packed my bag and was in my car, ready to go by 6:25, which would give me plenty of time to get to work by seven, thereby paying back my boss that half an hour i owed him.

i turned the key in the ignition. RUHHH-RUHRUHRUHRUHRUHAAA! uh oh. no, don't do this to me. i turn the ignition again. RUHHH-RUHRUHRUHRUHRUHAAA! oh man. deep, calming breaths. one more time... i love you, car! c'mon, work for me, baby! i turn the key... RUHHH-RUHRUHRUHRUHRUHAAA! oh mother of fucking christ! okay, wait... dad leaves at 6:15... maybe he's late... i run inside and phone him chanting "please be late. please be late." i phone dad, and i get his fucking voice mail.

it's minus-four degrees according to the thermometre on the front porch. it's 6:35am. there's no way in hell i'm getting to work on time, unless i take a taxi. i refuse to spend $35 on a taxi to get to work when i can take transit for free (the one perk about working for them i really appreciate in situations like this). i can't call bcaa because i procrastinated getting my stupid membership!

so i walk to the bus stop. oh, gee. i don't have my scarf or gloves or hat with me. not to mention i had to take my book out of my bag to make room for my lunch. i don't even have anything to read on the way! this gets better and better.

i'm half a block from the bus stop and guess what roars past... yup, a bus. the little asian girl who's walking in the same direction starts to run for it. i think to myself "don't bother, you won't catch it. besides, there's another one in ten minutes." but, that was a long bloody ten minutes with no gloves or scarf.

i ride the bus across the bridge, i get off at the last stop, walk to the train station, stop to talk to an attendant i know, get on the train, listen to this painfully dapper couple's conversation, grateful the heaters in car 32 are working, and i'm in the warm air's path. i get off at my station and start the 15 minute walk down the hill. i notice our human resources rep walking in front of me. oh, well, i'll say hi to her when we both stop at the starbucks for coffee... i deserve a starbucks this morning. when i get to the kiosk, i change my mind, realizing i have to make it to work before my boss does, so he won't know i didn't come in early to make up my time.

i hustle down the hill, realizing that i'm starting to lose the feeling in my fingers, nose and legs. i blast past the guardhouse, glad marion was distracted 'cause i don't have time for conversation to explain why i'm not in my car and why my gate pass is still in it. i look down into the parking lot to see if my boss is here early... he's not! i pick up the pace a little more, feeling the pressure. it's after eight, he'll be hot on my heels!

i look around the yard for my father. no where to be seen, he must be working inside. i hope he'll give me a ride home tonight. i get inside the building and sigh with relief as i feel heat, actual heat, on my face. ahhh. oh, crap. the elevator's out of order, isn't it? i have to walk up those fucking stairs. this is so not fair!

i get into the office, eileen is glad i'm here and says she was going to phone to make sure i was all right. i'm never late, they panic when i am. i can't decide if that's a good thing, or not. i turn on the computer, drop my bag and head for the coffee pot. by t he time i get back... dammit, my boss is there! fuck fuck fuck! he can see i haven't logged in yet and my bag is on the desk. fuck! i was so damn close! dammit! fine, i'll just claim an hour without pay on my stupid timesheet. i'm be honest. dammit.

i'm on my second cup of coffee. i've told my sob story to my father, who offered to drive me home tonight (thanks dad!). i started blogging this only to realize that our adsl connection at work has died in the middle of it. i tried restarting what needs to be restarted, but that didn't work. and the guy who's in charge of it isn't in today (he had car trouble too, i hear). that means i actually have to do some real work this morning instead of trying to slowly get to speed after my tragic a.m.

the thing that really pisses me off... i left the house with my hair still wet. now it's fucking fluffy! so, yeah. that's my day and i've only been awake for four hours. anyone want to trade?
** 09:47

* * *

sunday, december 10

now i just wish i'd either drank more or stopped sooner 'cause my beer headace has kicked in. plus, with the temperature outside at -2, and the fact i was out and the heat was off in my apartment, means i'm suffering two-fold right now. ohwell, i'll probably fall asleep in the middle of the hockey game again tonight. once i'm under the covers, i'm never cold.
** 20:02

* * *

saturday, december 9

so, since it was still dark out, i pretended it was nighttime. i watched the shows i'd taped last night while i was (supposed to be) watching the hockey game, had some junk food, went out on the balcony and watched the city lights twinkle in the crisp, morning air.

i cleaned out my inbox, did laundry, wrote three holiday cards, wrote a big, long, babbly email, listened to mp3s. now, i'm listening to pretty in pink on the tv behind me and blogging, hoping that i will be able to spew something spiffy... unlike the salsa fountain i created by dropping the jar on the kitchen floor last night. it's nice to have a carpeted kitchen when you drop something and it doesn't break or your feet don't freeze when you wander in there in the middle of the night; but, it's not nice when you're trying to clean up salsa. do you know how easily tomatoes stain?

i didn't play cards with meg and the gang last night, nor did i watch the hockey game with jason. i was alone. that's the first friday in a very long time that i was home, alone. i fell asleep during the game, then woke at ten, flipped out my futon, turned the lights out and went to bed for the night (no wonder i was up at six).

december is the month of egg nog, mandarin oranges, hot chocolate, sweaters, slippers, twinkly lights, fog and full mail boxes. i'm thinking i like december.
** 11:32

* * *

friday, december 8

yup.
** 14:31


hrmf. men.

it's odd scott should bring this up now. i was just looking through some old photos and ran across a few of an ex and i thought "holy crap. how did i ever think he was attractive?" i suppose, for me (i'm not even going to try to talk for my gender/nationality/species on this one) it really is the stuff inside that i care most about. even the ugliest mug i've seen can become endearing, nay, fascinating when the mind and soul behind it are attractive to me.

back to that ex analogy... now, when i look at photos of him, i don't see what i used to. now i look at them and cringe, thinking "i should have noticed the weasley cast to his eyes or his nervous chatter."

then again, maybe because i'm not one of the "beautiful people" i'm more accepting.
** 13:04


i'm wondering if there's any reason i should add one of those nifty comment systems to this. i don't think there are enough people reading this on a regular basis to warrant it. besides, if they *really* wanted to give me feedback they could just as easily email me. right? besides, no one ever signs the stupid guestbook, why would they comment instead?

i really want to get out of here. i need to go shopping, fill the car up with gas, replace my windshield wipers, top up my car with anti-freeze and pick up a couple five-day rental videos. it's supposed to snow on sunday (just flurries, but that's still snow) and i need to make sure i have everything on hand before then.

i don't go out when it snows. well, to be more precise, i don't drive when it snows. not in the city, anyway. there are two million idiots out there who don't think they have to slow down or leave more space between their vehicle and the one in front of them. i don't trust them, so i don't drive. i love it when everything's so simple.
** 12:40


fairly grey, i'll admit. the true purpose was to play with nested tables. comments?
** 10:23


ooh... i feel a re-design coming!
** 08:44

* * *

thursday, december 7

but, pearl harbour. that's different. i've been there.

my mother took me to waikiki when i was nine. we did all the fun hawaii stuff: toured diamond head, sat on the beach, went on a bus tour around the island, visted a sugar cane farm, learned the "hang loose" hand-sign, went for a catamarin ride, got a sunburn, visited the polynesian village... and we went to pearl harbour.

both my father and my uncle were in the navy. a very good friend of my mother's was a navy diver. i've always had an affinity for water, boats, sailors. i didn't think much of going to see big boats. i don't remember many details from that visit. i do remember the boat ride out to the USS Arizona memorial. we rode past this very large, very grey US navy ship. i took a picture of it to show my father when we got home. i wanted to know if it was like the boats he'd been on in the navy.

we arrived and disembarked at the memorial. it is a somewhat dog-boned shaped, white building which floats above the actual wreckage of the ship. there are photos and histories on the walls. there are also windows on either side of the small structure. windows, that if you press your nose against and look down out of them, give you a glimpse of the grave of those unwary sailors who lost their lives.

i was only nine years old. i had only the barest of understandings about the war, let alone what had happened where i was standing. i remember looking out the window, down into the water, through the ever-darkening green... i was scared of what i saw. i didn't like to think that something as big as the ship i had just taken a picture of could be below my feet. that it was underwater and had been for thirty years. i didn't like knowing that people had died and they were still there, in that ship, underneath me.

even now, as i type this, the memories of that afternoon disturb me. almost twenty years later, and that one experience relives itself in my mind every december seventh. although i'm glad to have been there... i hope never to be again.
** 07:52


have i mentioned i'm thinking of [yet another] redesign for this here blog?
** 07:29

* * *

wednesday, december 6

just the kind of horrorscope i like! me me me me me! okay. i'm prescribing myself a tall, dark, attentive lover; a king-size bed with 350-count percale sheets; all the chocolate i can eat (that won't make me gain weight); and, one year with no responsibilities. ahhh... i'm feeling better already.
** 10:53


sometimes i'm far too good at controlling my urges. i'm so worried about being rejected, humilated or injured i stop myself from acting. i know it's only fear, but it is so all-consuming, so utterly clenching, i can't seem to fight my way past it. even with substances coursing through my veins, i always pull back on the reins of any instinct which could bring me shame. the problem lies in the regrets that leaves.
** 09:36


okay... this is just *weird*. i was going through my referral logs the other day and found this strange one from a diaryland.com page. i thought "hrm. i don't know anyone on diaryland. i don't think i've ever read anything on diaryland." so, of course i go to check it out. it's a page listing different 'blogs and journals this person reads. "oh, cool," i thought, "someone else reads my page." then i totally forgot about it.

today, i'm peeking through my referral logs (yes, i'm nosy. leave me alone.) and there's the same referral. so i follow it to the links page. i was feeling curious, so i checked out the main page of her journal and she's talking about how someone found her journal by that links page she'd made, not realizing someone could link back to it. i wonder if it was me, or someone else. but, the weirdest thing was, while perusing her site, i found a link to the image gallery... the only picture there is the exact same painting of pygmalion and galatea i have on my wall at home. how bloody weird is that?

that's my twilight zone moment for this week. the world is small, and shrinking daily.
** 09:18

* * *

tuesday, december 5

i should have skipped work and gone to play in the park with him.
** 15:29


iain's been trying to cheer me up via email this morning. it's not working. mostly because i'm resisting it. i'm not sure i want to be cheered up. and it's not that i'm miserable, i'm just blah. nothing good, nothing bad. just here. mmm. i need more coffee.
** 09:36


i really don't want to do this stupid employee handbook project.
** 09:29


i was asleep before nine o'clock last night. good thing: i'm somewhat rested after eight and a half hours sleep. bad thing: i missed what was, by all reports, a really good hockey game.

i'm even more unmotivated than usual. i've been attributing it to "winter". you know... dark when i get up, dark when i go home, cold, frosty, bare trees, dead grass. not exactly seasonal affective disorder, just aggravated disinterest. i'm especially disinterested in work. but, when i'm not at work, i'm bored. i want to read. i want to hang out with friends. i want to sleep at random hours throughout the day. i actually want to find time to clean my car and scrub my shower. maybe it's just my crappy diet and lack of exercise. i really should smarten the fuck up about that.

last night, as i rounded the corner of highway one (aka the trans-canada highway) right before the lonsdale exit, i was confronted by the most spectacular sunset i have seen in years. the entire sky was shades of red and pink. the sun, sinking behind vancouver island, silhouetted the mountains, making them seem both taller and closer. the lights of the city were glittering like xmas lights through a frosty window. i took all this in with one sweeping glance and shouted, out loud, inside my car, driving 85 kph "i live in the most fucking beautiful place in the world!" i love this place. i feel passionate, fiercely loyal and proud of where i live, both my country and my city. and, in moments of spiritual exhultation, i shout that out to whomever may be in earshot.

i really need to phone tyler tonight.
** 08:21

* * *

monday, december 4

i want to go home now. someone please tell my boss to send me home. with pay. thank you in advance.
** 12:43


i get really grumpy when i only get four hours sleep. grr.
** 12:24


quote of the weekend:
me to jason: "these drugs are good... the moon's all fuzzy!"
the best part of that was the fact that he turned around to look at the moon, saw it was indeed fuzzy (thanks to the thin layer of clouds obscuring it), then turned back and looked at me with this expression which had me laughing for nearly five minutes straight. i'm giggling now, just thinking of it.

played cards friday night at meghan's. i show up and mark asks "where's your better half?", meaning jason. lovely. now they actually think we're a couple. WE'RE NOT A FUCKING COUPLE!! grr. then dean got into it... something about my getting some action. bleh. i wish i was getting some action. but, anyway.

went to the company xmas party saturday night after a day of cleaning both house and body. i must have been in the shower for at least forty-five minutes scrubbing, buffing, exfoliating, shaving, washing, conditioning, etc. sometimes i seriously miss having a bathtub. it's really freaking awkward to sit on the floor of the shower stall, you know.

the party was exactly like the two others i've been to. same food, same people, same type of crappy d.j. i sat with the same people, talked to the same people, left at the same time. i'm thinking i'm not going to go again until they've done something to liven it up. that won't happen until the "old guard" has either retired or gotten too old to stay up that late. i'm not sure i needed to see my boss' wife fondling my boss' ass, though.

sunday... uhm. slept in. watched coronation street. went shopping -- bought a little baby fake xmas tree (which deposited about half a pound of glitter onto my carpet during assembly). read. coerced jason into coming over. took him to rent videos, then around stanley park (i was hoping to take him on the minature railway with it all lit up, but it wasn't open yet. now my hand is tipped and it won't be a surprise, goddammit.), where he macgyvered my car speaker into producing sound for the first time in at least two years. meager, wussie sound; but, sound nonetheless. finished watching movies at about 2 am. i left him sound asleep when i came to work two hours ago .

i also left post-it notes all over for him. one on the clock: "relax -- go back to sleep!" two in the kitchen: "have some coffee!" & "help yourself to breakfast (just do your own dishes)" one on the computer, telling him how to log on... he's not used to linux. and one more on the door for when he leaves: "have a grrrreat day! *snicker*" yeah, i'm a schmuck. leave me alone.

i listened to deadman's cd in its entirety yesterday. i really like it. totally not what i usually listen to, but i really like it. especially tracks five and eleven... at least i think it's eleven. that one had me laughing and thinking of tyler. it's just something him and his friends would totally do. quality disc, man. bravo.

yeah. that's the extent of my tragically boring life. i'm sure, in the quest to avoid actual work, i'll blog more useless bits of my life later. you may now commence eagerly anticipating those additions. right now. yeah, you. start anticipating, already!!
** 08:50

* * *

saturday, december 2

* * *

friday, december 1

i went home last night, started drinking, smoked too much, and stayed up too late. jason was over watching the hockey game, being tortured by yours truly (i love ticklish men), and watching the discovery channel. he was trying to talk me into calling in sick today and staying up all night... doing what, i have no idea. but, considering everyone at work knew i was feeling better (or i thought they knew -- at least three people asked me if i was still sick this morning 'cause my voice was a little smoky), i didn't want to lie about being ill just to stay up. especially considering i've already been sick once this year. i don't want to tarnish my stellar attendance record.
** 15:23


mash... i didn't know this had a name when we used to do it on a piece of paper in the middle of class:

You live in a Mansion.
You're married to tyler.
You drive a vw beetle.
Your car is the color silver.
You live in the state british columbia.
Your honeymoon is england.
Your occupation is a web designer.
You have this many kids: 1 (1 male; 0 female).

you know, i wouldn't mind if this came true. except for that kid part... unless they count a boy cat.
** 14:58

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