wednesday, january 31

the only reason this even occured to me was someone came in to talk to hugo, and their conversation was in spanish.
** 11:00


ooh! there are so many reasons to be excited about tomorrow! let me count the ways...
  1.  it's thursday
  2.  that's the day before friday
  3.  which, this week, is the day before payday
  4.  debbie, marie, glenda & i are doing thai for lunch
  5.  jason & i are going to see the canucks play colorado
  6.  survivor
  7.  big, exciting blog changes
** 08:03


i have a spider living in the corner of my bathroom. what makes that statement tremendous is that the mere sight of a spider used to send me into paroxysms of terror. when i was little, my father would take me camping every summer. it was the one of the only times i got to spend time with him, so it meant a lot to me.

one year, i believe i was twelve, we went to manning park. we had a terrific spot, the wild strawberries were plentiful, he let me have coffee for the first time to warm me up in the chill mornings, and it was also one of the worst bug seasons ever. i remember being attacked by flies the size of grapes (i'm still convinced they were horseflies) and multitudes of wasps, not to mention the typical assortment of biting, itching bugs. this one time, i started flailing about trying to keep them off me and i had a small panic attack. at that moment my father decided to pack up camp and take me home. we never went camping again.

back to my little houseguest... i'm hoping it will turn into my own charlotte. write me messages in its web which i'll only be able to read after i've had a particularily steamy shower and the condensation is heavy. maybe it will stick around and help me with my semi-annual ladybug infestation. either way, i've made a conscious effort to let it live. i think, in therapy, this is what they call a breakthrough.
** 07:35

* * *

tuesday, january 30

* * *

monday, january 29

cold. the plant department STILL hasn't either closed the vent directly above my desk or put a deflector on. you see, this vent blows cold air straight down at me all bloody day long. i can walk five feet away from my desk in any direction and it's warmer than where i sit. if you were to touch my fingers right now you'd look shocked and say "you *are* cold!" just like everyone else here when they don't believe that i freeze my cha-chas off every day.

co-workers. dear christ. is monday official "visit heather when she's trying to do something" day? fuck. glenda, marie, debbie (phoned three bloody times!) and even anna, the bitch i can't stand and do everything to avoid, invited herself over, sat down and wanted to make conversation. fuckfuckfuck. i wish i was the kind of person who could say to her "look, i don't like you, i don't want to like you, so unless it has something to do with work and is so extremely urgent that it cannot go through other channels, don't talk to me." leave me alone! especially if i haven't had my coffee yet. on top of that, rhonda's away, leaving sandy in charge of closing payroll for this period. she's slow. i should have been finished at ten, not one. doug is checking and he doesn't even know what he's looking at most of the time. i almost did some stuff to really throw him for a loop, but decided against it. the coffee had started to kick in by then.

blogger. "1/29/2001 Pacific: The server is currently too busy. Please try again in a minute or two. Thanks." yeah. thanks. i've been trying to post crap since eleven-thirty. whatever happened to those new servers people gave you their hard-earned money for? can't get them working or did you all just take the cash and head off to the gold coast for a little "working vacation"? this is just another reason i'm anxious for february to begin. only two more days...

newspapers. i am a creature of habit. i like routines. they comfort me and make me feel stable. on sunday mornings, i get up early, watch coronation street, drink three cups of coffee, read the flyers in the sunday paper and make my shopping list. this is what i do on sundays. sometimes, i'll even do some laundry while doing all of the above. this is what happens in my house before noon on sundays. this is NOT what happened in my house last sunday (aka yesterday). there was no paper. it was late the weekend before, so i was patient. but, there was still no paper. when i went to bed at nine o'clock last night there was absolutely no sign of a paper. if i remember i'm going to phone and bitch them out. the bastards ruined my sunday!

crtc. ah, yes. the canadian radio-television and telecommunications commission. these are the people who regulate what we in canada can see and hear via the airwaves. you want to know what they do every year? when the superbowl is on and millions of americans are seeing those really expensive (and usually really good) commericals, canadians get to see cheap, crappy canadian commericals. don't believe me? read about it here. they say they do it to bring advertising money back into the canadian system. i think they do it just to piss us off.

commercials. speaking of commercials, i was taping the premiere of survivor: the australian outback for jason last night, and in a moment of delierium decided to edit out the commercials for him. no problem, i wasn't going anywhere while watching it. it wasn't such a big deal... until i realized that there were between three and six minutes of commercials in each break. i remember when commercial breaks were sixty seconds! there is no need for over five minutes of advertising at one time. my vcr actually unpaused itself and cancelled the recording because it had been paused so long. i hate advertising. i really do.

that's enough for no w. i need to go run my fingers under some hot water to get the feeling back into them.
** 13:52


neither of us makes the first move, nor does one of us say "hey, wanna fool around?" instead we do this strange little dance.

first, i see how closely he's sitting to me. is he leaning towards or away? is his jacket off or on? then i'll rest my head on his shoulder. does he move away or stay put? does he then rest his head atop mine? then comes the tickling. does he get genuinely angered or just token miffed? does he grab my wrists to stop the attack? next is the sprawl test. if i get up off the futon for something, does he immediately stretch out, taking up the entire length forcing me to either move him or lie next to him? when we have finally run out of things to watch on television, or i've fallen asleep at least once, one of us will suggest folding out the futon and going to sleep. once we're horizontal, does he lay facing me or away? did he take off his shirt? does he start talking or encourage me to? does any part of his body touch any part of mine under the covers? is he inching his face closer to mine? does he reach out and touch my hair? does he throw an arm over me and pull me closer to him? does he lean in and brush his lips against mine?

i can't decide if it's cute or really, really pathetic.
** 12:06


i dreamt about paul last night. he was wearing leather pants and was very warm. he was there right when i needed him. he still looked dorky, but i didn't care. i was so grateful to have support. i wish i wasn't thinking about him so much lately.
** 09:32

* * *

friday, january 26

Please Please Please Please Please...for the love of God, write a book. Stop writing on your blog and write a freakin' book. Write it about us. Write it about Paul. Write it about a girl named Hessie. Write it. Your writing is so fluid and ...well...beautiful. Your word usage is superb. It's almost lyrical. It's kinda like listening to the ocean crash against the shore. Methodical and crashing yet mesmorizing and soothing. I'm not making this shit up and don't get all introverted and shy on me..and stop blushing. I'm serious. You are such a talented writer. Write a novel...send it to me for proofreading...then, we'll get it published for you. Then, it'll go to the top of the bestseller list. And don't use capitalization...anywhere...at all. Do it just like your blog. You're awesome, heather.

now, if that isn't the best way to start a morning!
** 07:33

* * *

thursday, january 25

first, the problem with a $50 minimum order is that i can spend that easily in a trip when you factor in the impulse buys. but, if i'm shopping with just a list i'm cheap to feed. i was putting a lot of crap i'd never think of buying in person into my virtual cart, just to get it up to the minimum order. then, just as i was one or two items from the magical subtotal, it would lock up, crash and/or flubber to a pitiful, animated hourglass death. four times! and do you think i could remember everything i'd "bought" between each attempt? finally, there was the distraction of my boss walking around behind me and the furtive window-switching to avoid his wrath.

i gave up and decided i'd just stop on the way home and buy groceries the old-fashioned way. stupid internet. grr.
** 15:47


this is the coolest thing ever. thank you, monkey!
** 13:58


nice, subtle changes no one but i will know occured. i'm so sneaky.

i'm not finished spyro and it's due back tonight. i guess i'll have to pay for another week. i'd play more, but my left hand cramps up after an hour or so. plus, it's not the same playing solo. it's a lot more fun with a co-pilot.

going out for lunch today. playing trivia tonight. should do laundry tonight. definitely have to go shopping on the way home. ugh.
** 10:01


it's going to be another tweaking day, i can just tell.
** 07:44

* * *

wednesday, january 24

this was the conversation i had in my head:

"shit! the machine's leaking! should i stop it?"
"uh, no! the cup is almost full."
"but it's going to spill all over the place."
"so? it's not your problem."
"of course it is... there's a rag right there. i'll just mop it up."
"oh, no, you will not. that's what they pay those people in blue for."
"i suppose. i could use the cloth to clean up the side of my cup, though."
"i don't think so. you know you'll just go from cleaning the cup to cleaning the puddle."
"they'll think i'm a slob!"
"they won't even notice until someone else complains."
"i should at least tell them the machine leaks."
"why? then they'll notice the puddle and they WILL think you're a slob. best leave it until the next customer makes the mess bigger and it spills onto the floor, making them actually get the MOP out instead of just a rag. then they'll be so pissed at that customer they won't even remember you were here."
"my cup's full now."
"let's go."
** 13:54


i mean absolutely no offense, but this design makes my brain squeal like a lobster in a pot of boiling water.
** 11:48


well, dammit... i feel awful for jason. we were both convinced he'd have no troubles getting behind the wheel of a truck after meeting with the company. seems head-guy george thought he already had his class 1 license when mike & jerry told him he'd had been driving commerically for five years. now he'll have to find $2300 to go through driver training to get it. at least george has practically guaranteed him a job once that's accomplished. now jason will have to go get an actual job, or two, and try to scrape up the cash. hopefully, his father will help him out with it. if i had the money, i'd finance him.
** 10:15

* * *

tuesday, january 23

i picked jason up at edmonds after work. we played a little spyro, watched the canucks lose, watched a little bad television, i cut his hair, then i took him down to the quay to catch the seabus. we sat in the car having a smoke and he mentioned that he'd peeked in here and i didn't have to worry about him stiffing me for rent. we talked more about sharing an apartment and what we wanted in a place (i want hardwood floors, a fireplace and a cat. he wants a view and high-speed internet access).

his "interview" at the trucking company was this morning. i'm waiting to hear from him how it went. i'm sure it was smooth what with mike and everyone singing his praises. but i'm keeping my fingers crossed for him, nonetheless. he just better be in town next thursday for the game i bought us tickets to or i'll bloody kill him.

i stayed up a little too late watching queer as folk. i'll watch the rest of it when i get home, seeing as i actually had the foresight to program the vcr. what i saw was good, but i think i was spoiled by seeing the original british version first. plus, they're trying to squeeze eight hours of story into 150 minutes, which means a lot of the subtlety of the original is being quashed. oddly enough, i can live with all that, but what really bugs me is the fact they changed all the character's names! i just don't understand the logic of that. silly americans.
** 12:05


spent the morning tweaking fubsy.net to provide a much higher level of cross-browser compatibility. it now looks almost identical in both msie and navigator. go me.
** 10:49


wouldn't you know it, just when i hop on the blogvoices bandwagon, they go and close up shop. i guess that means i really have to get my arse in gear and annoy my webhosts until i get php support on my account.
** 08:06

* * *

monday, january 22

Non-Active Account
----------------------------------------------------------------
The account you have attempted to view has either not
been setup, has been disabled or cancelled. No further
information is available. We-Host.com

it was just a by-product of the server migration at their facility. no worries. phew.
** 10:52


it's taken three weeks, but i've finally decided on a resolution for 2001... i resolve not to read my horoscope anymore. as a rule, i'm too suggestible to its directions and i tend to fixate on resolving them to my situation. so i'm going to quit. and it will probably be more difficult than quitting smoking.
** 09:00


the weekend went by far too fast. i picked jason up friday night after work, stopped at the video store, went back to my place, made some dinner, watched road trip, gone in 60 seconds & a shitload of bad tv which concluded with the joy of painting at five am.

i made myself get up at noon so my entire day wouldn't be wrecked. i made some coffee and sat down on the floor to try out spyro. jason woke up a wee bit later and we played until six or so, with an hour's break for road rules. both meghan and i tried to talk him into coming for cards at her house, but he wussed out. he said he didn't want to be dripping and sniffling all over everyone. i'm not sure if that's the whole story.

so i drove him home and went to meg's. we had a good card night. dean & i stomped meg & mark again. we're a good team. dean was really touchy, too. must have been the beer. he's always friendlier when he's drinking. meg even fed me because i hadn't eaten anything all day besides some fries i'd split with jay. she's so good to us.

i got home about one am and crashed only to wake up at eight-thirty sunday morning. i moaned, groaned and rolled from side to side sulkily until coronation street started at nine. then i got up and started doing laundry. for some reason, i was also compelled to clean. i scrubbed the marble basin in the bathroom, toilet, etc. i even threw out a dozen or so half-empty bottles of shampoo/conditioner i had hiding underneath the bathroom sink.

of course, once i'd started, i couldn't stop. next i moved into the kitchen. i did the weekend's dishes, cleaned off the table which had accumulated a ton of stuff, i even threw out stuff from the fridge/freezer/cupboards which was old/bad/icky. i was on such a tear i even reorganized my kitchen drawers. yeah. i know! i came back into the livingroom, dusted, vacuumed, made up my bed/futon, put clothes away and generally tidied.

then i went shopping, actually stuck to my list, came home and cooked up a chicken stir fry for lunch today & tomorrow. i watched some bad tv and then played spyro for an hour before watching more bad teen schlock on tv. i was in bed by ten and only half tired, but the next thing i knew it was 6am and time to get up and do the commute.

good things: queer as folk is on tonight; it's only nine days until jason & i go to the hockey game (colorado vs. vancouver); spyro; my clean apartment.
** 08:46

* * *

sunday, january 21

* * *

friday, january 19

Cancer:
You're eager to begin the weekend early, but your workload will increase as the day progresses. Work steadily this morning in preparation for surprise assignments and fires after lunch. Decisions made jointly will prove advantageous -- and the ensuing euphoria will bring you and your partner closer. The thrill of sharing makes you sentimental -- and nostalgic, if you're alone again.
** 10:07


fuck that comet cursor plug-in is goddamn annoying! hell, any page/program/site/system which changes my bloody cursor without asking me pisses me off. argh!! it's almost as bad as those java creatures which follow your cursor around the page. dammit, sometimes i wish the web were text-based.
** 09:53


i've become oddly attracted to the short, goateed, bald construction guy who's working on site. he has the most beautiful eyes i've seen in a long while. too bad i don't have the noive to go talk to him.
** 08:02

* * *

thursday, january 18

i'm feeling guilty for both not sending tyler's birthday/xmas present to him despite the fact it's been sitting on top of my vcr for weeks and not having talked to him in weeks, possibly this year. i'm just too bloody tired to stay up late talking like we used to and i haven't had a lot of friday or saturday nights without plans to phone him. i miss him, though. i need to do something about that. he's been on my mind a lot the last week, that usually means he has something to tell me.
** 09:14

* * *

wednesday, january 17

he's a hair's breadth away from getting a long-haul trucking job, which means he'll be on the road for two, three, four weeks at a time and in town for maybe a couple days before he heads back out. of course, that will suck for me. i like his being around. but, it serves his purposes, and that's what he needs right now.

i was telling him about how much i want a bedroom, but can't afford to move right now. the next thing i realized he was talking about my getting a two-bedroom and his sharing it with me. "i'd rather give my money to someone i like, rather than dale. you'd basically have it all to yourself." i got all caught up in the idea, hypothesizing on the fireplace we could get for the amount we would be able to afford between us.

the more i think about it, the more i like the idea. i could totally live with him as my roommate. i've known that for almost as long as we've hung out. but, with all the time we've spent together this year, i'm absolutely positive we could cohabitate without (major) trauma to either party. and this is coming from me, the ultimate "i'm never going to be able to live with anybody" girl.

i find myself day-dreaming about what it would be like to share a place with him. apartment-hunting together, what kind of place it would be, our computers networked together with the high-speed connection, his coming home from a long trip and my pulling out some dead cow from the freezer for him, his going away and my being alone again... and, the ultimate, my bed.

but, i still worry. i've never shared an apartment, let alone expenses, with anyone before. what happens if he screws me over with rent or bills? not that i think he will if he can help it, but i've heard the roommate horror stories. starting out with the best of intentions only to be putting out the futon fire with the goldfish water because they didn't like the way you put the toilet paper on the dispenser.

i also really don't want to lose his friendship.

not that there's any reason to rush into a decision. it's all dependant on whether he starts driving and keeps driving. it's just something else to keep me thinking.
** 15:51


you're the filling in my jelly donut.
** 13:48


i'm in this strange sort of time limbo today. it probably has something to do with the blank grey sky outside my window. it makes me think of a twilight zone episode, where the main character takes the wrong fork in the road and ends up in the town which has no clocks, where time ceases to have any meaning. (i don't know if that's a real twilight zone episode plot; but if it wasn't, it should have been.)
** 13:24


i just went into the fitness room here at work and did:
     1x30 crunches with three plates
     1x20 oblique crunches with three plates
     3x10 delt presses with three plates
     1x30 tricep pushdowns with two plates
     1x20 lat pulldowns with two plates
     1x20 walking lunges (10 each leg)

after not doing anything exercise-wise since september, i'm going to be sore tomorrow.
** 10:57


i just ordered a book and two videos from chapters that i don't need. there's nothing like spending money you don't have. good thing i get paid on friday. hell, it's a good thing i get paid. period.
** 10:33


sometimes the feelings my dreams elicit stick with me during the day. like the smell of someone's cologne after you've hugged them, you turn your head the right way and you can smell them again even though they're long gone. that's how i feel now. i turn my thoughts the right way and i can feel the dream i had last night.
** 10:13

* * *

tuesday, january 16

just so you all know, it's spelled ridiculous. there are no e's.

i'm working at the union office this afternoon. well, more like babysitting ballots just in case someone comes in for one. not that i care, i get to be away from regular work all afternoon. but, i can't blog incessantly. they'll probably let me dial up, i should be able to post eventually. ooh, i'll be able to play solitaire and minesweeper! i also have a union meeting tonight at six. i have to figure out what i'm going to do for dinner. julia isn't around to go have chinese with, not that i want chinese. three times in four days is a little excessive, even for me.

i'm getting a crapload of spam lately. i really need to set up procmail.

i told jason i sometimes thought i should have a writer, like sit-com characters do, so i could always say the right/funny/insightful thing. he said i didn't do so bad on my own.
** 08:09

* * *

monday, january 15

by the way, the lines on the screen are plusing rhythmically -- let the hallucinations begin!
** 15:26


since i didn't make a lunch, i managed to cajole (coax me, cajole me... sorry, sloan moment) debbie into forsaking her lunch to join me out. we went to the grand buffet. not bad for $7.95. i wish i'd been hungrier, they had good chow mein and the jello was nice and firm.

this is hour twenty-seven of my wakefulness. it doesn't sound like a lot, but i'm feeling every bloody second of it. i've been almost dozing off at my desk, doing a slow, horizontal head bungy: falls to a certain point and then gets yanked back. the kicker is that if i go home and go immediately to sleep, i'll be in the exact same position tomorrow. that means i have to stay up until eight, at the very earliest, to get a decent amount of sleep and be able to function tomorrow.

i'm overtired and babbling. someone take away my keyboard before i hurt someone.
** 14:46


i realize that everything is relative, so when i say i had a great weekend, it's probably really fucking dull and quiet compared to some, but for others they would sag into their chair with sympathetic exhaustion at the description.

i was all geared up to go play cards friday night, but got a call from meg at five-thirty-ish to tell me they were going to her parent's for dinner so cards were off. i'd already heard from dean, telling me that he had to work saturday and not to expect him to be up late. so, i settled down on the futon to watch the hockey game instead. i thought briefly of asking jason if he wanted to come over, but decided a nice, quiet evening in would do me good.

i fell asleep about fifteen minutes into the game and woke up with about ten minutes left, just in time to see the canucks win. i was boiling hot, having turned the heat up full-bore before i napped and having had said nap fully dressed, under my blanket. so i got up, turned the heat down, opened a window and got undressed. i ended up doing not much of anything i can specifically recall other than playing scrabble online until one-thirty am. i tried to go to sleep, but was still restless, so got up again and watched some tv. i finally passed out about three-thirty, only to wake up at ten. i was not impressed to say the least. that's all right though; because, i did pretty much nothing all day.

i went to meg's about five, we ordered a ton of asian food, went to pick it up, had a "discussion" about whether or not i should parallel park in the spot right in front of the restaurant (meg won, and i parallel parked). got back home, ate a ton of asian food, dean came down and we played cards until one am with a plethora of smoke, beer, cat & tiramisu breaks interspersed between hands. dean & i absolutely wiped the floor with meg & mark. mark was getting all testy, which i'm attributing half to his excessive beer intake and half to his basic, shit-disturbing personality. i got home and was asleep by about two-ish.

i looked at the clock when my eyes popped open sunday morning, and groaned. there was no bloody way i was getting up at nine-forty-five in the bloody am. no fucking way. i must have been determined, because i did fall back asleep and didn't get up until very close to noon. it was glorious. i watched coronation street, drank coffee, had a bacon & tomato sandwich, watched road rules, got dressed and headed out with my winning lottery tickets ($11), coupon (20% off one item at the linen store), grocery list and grand plan.

grand plan, you ask? why yes... grand plan. a week previously, while planning out the new beddings for my new bed in my new apartment, i discovered a sale on queen size down comforters (hereafter referred to as "duvet(s)"). i thought i could go get one now and have the use of it in the meantime, but the cost would have dug into my "damage deposit fund" so i'd decided to wait until i moved. but, since i'd scrapped that plan in order to focus on debt instead of wants, i thought i'd buy myself a wee present... a queen size duvet. =)

the grand plan was to systematically check five different stores for the best & most economic duvet i could find. well, i got to the first place, found one i loved for a great price, and a new cover for it as well and scooped 'em up. i brought it home, took it out of the bag and just hugged it. it's all full and fluffy and soft and warm. i'd forgotten how many feathers actually come in a new duvet. my last one was fifteen years old and was in pretty scraggly shape, missing about seventy percent of it's feathers. this one is so big and so poofy you could get lost under it. i love it.

it just absolutely made my day. i was happy-bouncing all afternoon. then i talked to jason and convinced him to come over to watch the game. he even volunteered to take the train, not even asking me to go fetch him. i was astounded. which was good because in the duvet excitement i hadn't gotten to the grocery store. i told him such and asked if he wanted me to pick him up something for dinner, not expecting him to say yes since he never seems to eat. he did say yes, but when i asked him what he wanted he said to surprise him.

well, fuck. what was i supposed to do? i bought him a steak, fries, and a shiny new red lighter to placate him after his having to return mine to me after he mistakenly appropriated it. he was surprised and a little wary of some bad news coming his way. i suppose you also need to know that i don't eat cow. not for over ten years, at least. so, for me to have paid money for a steak, then brought it into my house, allow it to be cooked in my pan on my stove, and touch my plate and utensils... he understood the gravity of my generosity. what can i say? buying the duvet put me in a very good mood!

we watched the game, then five hours of crappy television (lots of high-speed chases on TLC last night for some reason). by that time it was three am and when i tried to go to sleep, i found myself babbling like nobody's business. i couldn't sleep and i couldn't shut up. i figured i better not even attempt to sleep since getting only two-and-a-half hours would just fuck me up worse for today. so, i haven't slept yet. it's my busiest day this week, which means i couldn't even call in sick, or be late. the small, evil pleasure i got was that jason also didn't sleep, and he had to leave when i did (dropping him off at the station near work). but, he went home and is probably sleeping as i type this, the bastard.
** 13:04


that's okay... i had a full cute on again last night, too, and he did take the hint. he even took his shirt off the hot way!
** 07:52

* * *

sunday, january 14

* * *

saturday, january 13

they're right, you know... a guy taking his shirt off that way is SO hot. yum.
** 13:21


last night, after i finally fell asleep, i dreamt that i had spruce needles growing out of my right leg. i pulled them out with tweezers, which left this gaping wound. as i tried to clean it, i found clumps of clay, dirty tissues and chunks of raw chicken. i couldn't go to the doctor or let anyone know about the plantlife using me as a nursery log, so i stuffed the hole (which now extended down my thigh about a foot) with a white face cloth to absorb the fluid and applied pressure. when i heard noises coming from another room, i took the cloth out, put it in karen's make-up kit, taped the gash closed with breathe-right strips and put some jeans on so no one would see it. oddly enough, it didn't hurt, bleed or get infected. it was just kind of there.

i've been having seriously fucked up dreams lately.

i just watched betelgeuse. i think tim burton is a genius. which reminds me, i really need to buy the nightmare before christmas.
** 12:21


i fell asleep watching the hockey game. now it's three am and i'm still not tired. ugh.
** 03:02

* * *

friday, january 12

i've haven't put any styling products in my hair for almost a week. i shampoo it, put my eighteen-dollar leave-in conditioner in it then let it air-dry. no hot air, no flat iron, no gel or mousse. an itsy bit of hairspray, but just around my face. the result? my hair looks remarkably shiny and healthy. i realized that it gets curly even without the "curling gel" i was using. come, feel how soft my hair is.

i'm such a deep, philisophical blogger.
** 12:35


Cancer:
Do as you wish. Efforts to please everyone threaten to shortchange your bliss. Those you bend over backwards to gratify should delight in your decision to put yourself first for a change. People who realize they've been less than loyal will seek to make amends. Thus a wounded relationship will heal and be stronger.
** 10:56


ugh. this day is taking too long. this does not bode well.
** 10:45


there's this girl who lives in the neighbourhood. she's about eleven or twelve years old, i'd guess. she and her friends will sometimes be hanging out on the corner when i'm coming or going. last year, she accidentally ran her bike into my car's bumper while i was there to witness it. i jokingly yelled "hey! what're you doing to my car?!" she got all embarrassed and spent five minutes inspecting my bumber for non-existant damage. she happened to be outside the day the shop forgot to replace my oil cap after changing the oil. as i stopped the car and the smoke was pouring out from under the hood, she came up and asked "oh... is your car broken?" on another occasion, as i was unloading groceries, she came over and asked me about my license plate (it says "HESS"). i told her it was just a nickname i have, she seemed to like the idea. last night, as i got home from work, her and her friends were on the corner playing with a soccer ball they found in the bushes (i saw it there two weeks ago). i was going down the steps and i hear "hi, hess!" i waved and replied and went inside, chuckling to myself.

i wish i had been that bold at her age. heck, i wish i was that bold at my age. i don't even know her name!
** 09:42


i fixed the eyecolour (yes, my right eye is half brown), but they didn't have the right kind of hair. this is closest, on a curly day.

* * *

thursday, january 11

i was flying in a plane with my boss. we tried a loop and spin. we lost control and crashed into a plethora of planes which were parked on the ground. it was over quickly. i didn't feel a thing. there was a woman who, before the crash, told us she'd rather have a piece of metal in her head than be trapped beneath wreckage. i wonder whatever happened to her.

i followed the remains of the plane as it was directed into a hangar for further pathology. as they wheeled my body out and i realized what had happened. the first thing i did was rush to a payphone to tell someone what happened. i didn't have a quarter, and the operator couldn't hear me when i tried to speak with her. this upset me. i got very quiet. "please. i want to speak to bill."

i went across the street to a coffee shop beside a chocolate store. inside the shop was bill cosby and the woman who played his mother on the cosby show. they could see me and hear me. i told him that in another reality he was a famous star and that i loved his work. they just thought i was a little insane. i went next door. i wanted to buy some chocolate fish leather, but i had no money. then i realized i probably didn't have to eat anyway.

i was at the office. vic, the bible-loving dweeb was talking to someone about something that upset them. i couldn't quite hear them. i was too busy looking at my desk and worrying about what they'll say when they find all my crap on the computer (and what my mom would say when she found my vibrator and stash).

everyone looked so sad. then someone put up a sign "16th AMANDA [heart]". i'd lied about my name to get the job. they didn't even know who had died. i went to see my boss, represented by a combination between professor x from the x-men (movie, not comic) and sam. he was in agony over my death. he could barely function. he had been uninjured in the accident and felt completely responsible. i wanted to tell him it was going to be all right, but he couldn't hear me.

when i got back to my desk, everything was cleared off and vic, the bible-loving dweeb had moved in. that's when i remembered that he'd been looking for extra space. i was livid. so, i started following him around, getting in his way, opening doors and cupboards before he reached them. he started to get nervous. then he ended up in a room with a brass bed. i turned the covers down before he got to it. when he went to lay down, i laid down first. he couldn't see or hear me, but he could feel me. that's when i took my revenge and made ghost love to him. in my mind, i kept thinking "he's reacting like a submissive lesbian... how interesting."

i realized with shock that i was supposed to be on a plane to visit heather & gary that afternoon. i wasn't even packed! oh, wait. i didn't need anything. i tried to phone them, to tell them what happened. trying my calling card, for some reason everytime i tried to dial, i screwed up the numbers. i was so anxious that they would get to the airport and i wouldn't be there... i didn't want to let them down.

some say death dreams mean you're about to embark upon a great change in your life, a rebirth of sorts. others say that when you die in your dreams, you die in real life. all i know is that if that's what death is like, being aware of everything, spending all your time around the living, only being able to communicate with a few, never being able to say goodbye to your friends and loved ones, i can't think of anything more horrible. the novelty of being able to play tricks on the living would wear off quickly, i believe. then all you'd be left with is watching the people from your life go on living theirs. never being able to explain how you really feel about them. so don't wait. do it now. if you can't tell them, show them. and make sure you have someone who'll erase the porn off your computer before your parents inherit it.
** 07:17

* * *

wednesday, january 10

i would really like to know if the cell background attribute works in netscape 6. other than that, i don't think fubsy has any cross-browser glitches. luckily, it doesn't look all that bad without the border in netscape. next up is re-doing the guestbook pages so the colour scheme is the same. i should have done that today, but it was past my lunch time and i was getting faint.

twenty minutes until my work day ends. then i pick up jason at the station and take him back to my place to watch the hockey game. hopefully it won't rain before i take him back home tonight. if it does i may just make him stay the night.

i really like palindromes. i'm not sure why, but whenever i find one (typically numbers, since i work with more numbers than words) i get a little thrill down my spine. as if there's something cosmically titilating about them. a secret message from the universe? oh my, i'm getting contact flashbacks. i definitely think it's time for me to go home.
** 15:46


i'm loving this referral:
another fucking heather
** 12:33


the long awaited re-design/launch of fubsy.net is complete. go see.
** 10:53


i'm watching the moon sink slowly into the west. i wish i had a camera so i could share it with you. i think you'd like to see this.
** 08:11

* * *

tuesday, january 9

go on. guess which kind of day this one is. i dare you.
** 14:38


wouldn't you just know it, today it's too fucking hot in the office. i just can't win.
** 11:13


Cancer:
Delay agreements and commitments if you can afford to. You're likely to get taken to the cleaners by someone who needs time to be influenced by conscience. The more you think, the more risks you'll discover. You're too stubborn for you own good. A mid-course correction or retreat would mitigate the costs of a mistake.

among other things, i knew going to seattle was a bad idea.
** 10:30


happy birthday, heather! now if i could only remember how old she is... that's okay, i'll always remember her anniversary.
** 09:54


if i gave up eating peanut butter, bread and the cream i put in my coffee, i would have to eat approximately three more times each day of vegetables in order to consume an equal amount of calories. i don't have time to eat thrice per day, i can't imagine eating six times each day. just think of all the extra dishes i'd have to do.
** 09:07


i'm sure i knew that there was little chance you wouldn't know of me. that doesn't mean i'm not surprised you come to see me every day. i wish i had a friendship pin for you.
** 09:03

* * *

monday, january 8

i think it boils down to patience. i don't need to move now. i only want to. i don't need a bed. i only want one. i have a perfectly good place to live which is affordable and comfortable. i'm just feeling antsy because i've been there for almost three years and i want some change. i'd rearrange my furniture, but there really isn't much i can do differently with the space i have. but, maybe i'll work on that as an option.
** 14:42


the longer i sit at this computer with the cold air blowing down upon me, the slower i get and less inclined i am to do any actual work. i've bitched at the plant department enough about this. the hvac guy said he'd come fix it before new year's. i'm tired of being too hot in the morning and too cold in the afternoon.

hugo (one of our programmers) asked me to help him figure out a calculation to determine the date of the first sunday of each month. he was having a brain fart. i figured it out for him. me, the (not-so)lowly(anymore) clerk. i'm so fucking smart. freezing cold, but smart.
** 13:46


while cleaning out my hard drive yesterday i found a lot of stuff i'd forgotten about, or should have. letters to and from people i haven't talked to in years, photos, .wav files sent to me or recorded to send to someone else. there were two directories which brought the most poignent recollections. i met both of these men online, not that it should matter where i met them. their impact on my life were real enough.

rick. he's brilliant, funny, manly, sensitive and driven. i remember the first time we talked on the phone. we'd barely talked to each other online when he wanted to call me. i played hard-to-get and made him wait three hours until i was "available" for a phone call. when he did, i was sitting on my bedroom floor with my back against my dresser. i loved his accent. i loved how he knew something about everything. i loved the poetry he'd email me. i hated that he lived so far away.

we met briefly for the first time in 1995. i was in tennessee visiting another friend and we arranged to spend the day in memphis and hook up with other people from our online community. rick drove across the mississippi, teresa and her girlfriend drove down from missouri. we all met at graceland. dan and i found teresa first and then the four of us stood around looking for rick. finally, i heard my name over the p.a. i made my way towards the information booth and it was like a movie... the crowd parted and there he was, standing there in his khaki shorts and golf shirt. that's when i got nervous.

we took a riverboat cruise after lunch (no one wanted to pay the nine dollars to go inside graceland). we had bought candy sticks. when he cornered me on the top deck and kissed me for the first time, he tasted like rootbeer. i'll never forget that first kiss.

we've never really been a couple. he wasn't about to commit to anyone who lived three-thousand miles away. but, there is something between us which we can't deny. when i hear certain songs, i unconsciously stop what i'm doing and hold my hand over my heart. whenever i think of his smile, i smile, too. he makes it a point to phone me on the distinctly canadian holidays, just to wake me up like he used to do. he remembers my birthday.

he's married now. he's a step-father. he has an extremely demanding job in his chosen field. he's become an icon in his community with his volunteer and charity work. he's realizing all his dreams. and i couldn't be more proud of him. that doesn't mean that some days i don't miss him, though. but, i will always love him, in my own quiet way.

paul. oh the drama which is paul. it tires me to even think of writing about it. unlike rick, with whom things moved slowly, if they moved at all, with paul things moved at a lightning pace. i remember the first time i talked to him online. in a week, we were talking on the phone daily. for hours at a time. until i had to leave for work at seven-thirty a.m., one day. in a month, i was in my car driving to edmonton to meet him.

he is charismatic, manic, technical, dramatic, intelligent and broken. for all that he broke my heart by never loving me back, yet taking all i gave, he helped me grow in several key ways. for that, i can only be grateful.

he taught me how to let go of my anger towards those who have hurt me. he tried to teach me how to harness it to accomplish great things, but all it ever did was turn back on me. it was best i let it go. he also taught me that i could be sexy. that i was worthy of being desired. some days i still struggle with that (especially when no one is wanting to desire me), but i think back and can say, with certainty, that i am desirable. i am attractive. at least to someone, if not everyone.

it took me a long, long time to let go of the pain and anger i had for him. i had never invested so much of myself into a relationship before. in retrospect, i shouldn't have. he told me not to. but i was swept up in the sex and drama. that's why, when i found out he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend, one week after i had been with him, i went into such a tailspin. even now, when the memories hit me in just the right way, i find it a little difficult to breathe.

i miss the good times, some days. his voice, his music, his hands, his humour. i stop myself from picking up the phone to find out how he is doing now. i know how the conversation will go. i don't need to actually have it. that doesn't mean i don't want to.

i probably should have deleted those directories. wiped the slate clean and made room for new memories. i didn't. i just packed them up to conserve space and left them there. you never know when you'll need to remind yourself of where you've been... as either a warning or a guidepost as to where you'll go next.
** 10:30


i think i suffered an aneurysm last night. then jason had the balls to call me a wet blanket when all i wanted to do was throw him off my balcony. i'm rather proud of the restraint i showed.
** 08:44

* * *

friday, january 5

so, yes. i hereby proclaim that the only reason i care there's a superbowl this year is that it marks the beginning of another 16 weeks of "outwit, outplay, outlast". i hope they didn't change the theme song... it used to give me goosebumps.
** 08:01


i really dislike waking up with a headache. actually, today i disliked waking up at all. i need flex-time at work.
** 07:31

* * *

thursday, january 4

* * *

wednesday, january 3

you know, thinking about it... i really do want to help blogger. give back some of what they've given to me by letting me use their service for five months (since i'm too lazy and inexperienced to write my own program to do the same thing). but, i'm also thinking those stickers are going to be bloody cool to have. i'm such a kid.
** 15:14


it's odd to be hungry. i'd almost forgotten what it was like. i suppose it's better to have an appetite... i just wish it could have stayed on sabbatical until my ass wasn't so cyclopean.
** 11:33


on the mend.
** 09:42

* * *

tuesday, january 2

i told him i was disappointed he didn't show on new year's. i'm glad i did that. it had been bugging me all day. every time i thought about it, i'd get upset. i know why he didn't and completely understand, given a similar situation, i'd give up fondue with near-strangers to see meghan. but i needed to tell him that i was disappointed. and i did. yay me.

i'm taking dad out for dinner tonight. kind of a xmas/new year's/i love you dinner. i told him to pick the place, anywhere he wanted. he chose red robin. he liked the fish & chips he had there last time. that's good for me, 'cause i was kind of worried he'd want to go to andrea's, and i don't really like their food.

i woke up with a start at 4:20 this morning after having an odd and slightly disturbing dream. i don't know why, but there has been a lot of talk around me regarding the rapture and a series of books called "left behind". i guess this has been seeping into my subconscious and decided to manifest itself as a somewhat apocolyptic dream. i was so calm, sitting there with these people organizing the underground while the city shook and richard fish (of ally mcbeal fame) was writing down the addresses of the succession of safehouses we were to use once the shaking was over. i was calm in the dream, but when i tried to get back to sleep, things got darker and i got more nervous. i finally got up and had some coffee and pringles... the breakfast of champions.
** 08:28

* * *

monday, january 1

i'm going to attempt to stand up more for my needs, my desires and my wants this year. this is going to be the year for heather. i'm not going to live my life for others, but for me. i'm going to ask for what i want, demand it when it's appropriate. i'm not going to sit by and let myself be pulled this way and that by what i think other people in my life want of me. it's bullshit. if i don't take what i want, no one else is going to give it to me.

oh yeah, i sound like such a hard bitch, don't i? fuck the world! that's not what i'm saying. i can still be the nice, sweet, funny, generous, loving, wonderful heather that everyone knows already... just with a little more backbone and a little more drive. i think some people in my life are going to be a little shocked and dismayed when they realize i want different things from them now. no, not different... that i'm asking for what i want, rather that just waiting meekly for them to guess it.

i wish i could say this change will take effect immediately and i'll strut about with a new leather-clad attitude, but i know myself well and this will be a very, very big challenge for me. i've never been good at standing up for myself and asking for what i want. it's going to be a long lesson to learn. i'm just hoping i can keep the resolve and not back down. i need to know this skill. i deserve to get what i want. just like everyone else.
** 14:50

* * *