Thursday, September 30 

when did we stop calling them killer whales and start calling them orcas? i realize that's always been their name, but growing up we always called them killer whales. i suppose it's a politically correctism, but still, i barely even think of them as killer whales any longer. it's all orca orca orca!

so, guess who got up off her lazy ass last night and did something workout-like for her body? yeah, that's me. although, i don't quite see how doing repetitious movements which make my ass hurt the next day can be considered healthy. didn't we get over the "no pain, no gain" mantra of the 80's? isn't pain bad? isn't doing things that make your body hurt indicitive of masochism or insanity?

this week is going rather quickly (although, saying that will probably bring it to a screeching halt). i've big plans for the weekend, if you consider C++ programming, floor-washing, cookie-baking and talking-myself-out-of-camera-buying big plans. honestly, i really want to play cards on saturday so i can hang out with my friends and drink several yummy passionfruit-melon vodka coolers and get rather drunk (since jeremy has forbade me from getting drunk by myself, the party pooper).

have you ever had a poop so poopy that you just looked at it and thought "there's absolutely no way that poop came out of me. i couldn't possibly be that poopy"? yeah, me neither.

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Wednesday, September 29 

i may later kick myself for jumping to conclusions, but i'm really enjoying C++ so far. of course, the hardest assignment has just been handed out so i reserve the right to change my mind as the due date creeps closer and i start to freak out.

there's been some redesign fiddling going on hereabouts. i'm not sure if i'm going to launch it just because it means resizing Every Single Photo i've ever posted online which is numbering just over 500 as of this moment (see how much i love you? i went and counted them for you.). 500! who the hell knew i'd posted so many pictures in the last two years? who the hell knew i could take 500 pictures worth posting? so, yeah. i'm really fond of the new layout, but it's going to be so much work i may just scrap it.

and, because i don't have enough photos, i'm stealing this meme from jen:

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Tuesday, September 28 

i'm in this strange in between place. half of me is on the verge of slipping into another big, deep, dark funk while the other half of me is feeling inspired to accomplish many goals and projects. i'm trying very hard to let the go-getter half win. i'm doing my best to get a lot of sleep, which i think is helping.

i'm also trying to give myself permission to be happy with myself just the way i am at this moment. to know that people love me just as i do them, for exactly who they are. i don't expect them to do things for me to earn my love, so why do i think people expect that of me? why is it that i don't believe just being me is enough to be worthy when that's all i ever want them to be?

big questions, i know. blame iyanla! she's making me have big thoughts. they're important thoughts, though. i should have had them a long time ago.

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Monday, September 27 

no matter what anyone else thinks, i'm the funniest person on the planet to my mom.

it was a fun-filled, action-packed, event-laden, extra-long weekend in which i did my darndest to spoil my maternal unit completely rotten for her 67th birthday. i'm fairly certain i succeeded. i'd have photos up this morning, but i think my IP changed while i was away, either that or i forgot to open the FTP port after installing WoW.

i've discovered that the Victoria casino doesn't like me all that much, boys are unreliable, driving fast is fun, flirtinis rock the free world, Lisa Loeb is tiny, i love watching people open presents, my mom loves my new apartment, i miss my own bed when i'm away and clapping for 15 seconds is harder than it sounds.

oh, and if i don't get a new camera soon, i might just die from frustration.

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Wednesday, September 22 

you know you're a geek when you're sitting at the back of the class and actually getting excited because the new language you're learning has type safe standard input and output objects. at least i wasn't alone in my glee. i know i've mentioned it before, but i'm so glad i have Shane as my school buddy. we get along and work really well together. plus, it's just comforting to know that there will be at least one friendly face in each new class i take. although, this C++ course is half-full with people i recognize from previous courses. it's kind of freaky.

today is my friday! my mom's coming to visit! i ate chocolate graham cookies for breakfast! i'm going to Wendy's for lunch! i hope to spend time with a cute Victoria boy on the weekend!

yeah, life is good.

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Tuesday, September 21 

i'll fill this up after lunch. i've things to say, but i'm starved and woozy.

okay, that's much better. of course, now i'm stuffed and sleepy, but i suppose that's the better of two evils, right?

so, i got home from an atypically long and tedious monday at work, totally by-passing the post-work errands i meant to run before i went back to the apartment i'm not quite used to yet, because i was über-bloated from the fourteen pounds of brussel sprouts i ate at lunch and i didn't think subjecting the world to my de-bloating was a very kind thing to do.

this is where it gets weird.

after deflating a bit, i remembered the photos i had to pick up at London Drugs needed to make up the last of mom's birthday gifts. i've not spent a lot of time investigating the neighbourhood, so i decided to forgo my desire to return to the new Whole Foods Market and just walk up to LD to pick up my prints.

me! walk! to the drug store! voluntarily!

i laced up my Sauconys, shrugged on my hoodie and set out. yeah, okay, so the store is only three blocks from my apartment. stop looking at me like that. you really have to realize that for, um, most of my life i didn't live within walking distance of most anything. then, when i finally did, the entire slothgirl personna had totally taken over and, hey, i had a bus pass or a shiny new Geo Metro to take me places, didn't i?

this is where it gets interesting.

on the way back from the store with the prints, the shampoo, the popcorn and the energy snacks for the maternal unit, i walked down Lonsdale instead of the back lanes i'd used on the way up. i counted the following eating establishments on my way:

2 japanese/sushi
2 pizza
2 coffee/gelato
1 greek
1 chinese
1 mexican
1 wrap zone
1 bistro/bakery
1 restaurant/bar

that's just in the three blocks north of my street, and i'm sure i've either forgotten or missed some. holy crap! it's a really good thing i'm poor and don't go out to eat much, but it'll be really handy if i ever: a) get a social life which includes having people over at meal time and nothing in the fridge; b) a social life which includes spending all my time in bed with some warm, sexy, stubbly boy and sending him out to fetch life-giving sustenance to replenish our strenuous lovemaking; or, c) get a better paying job.

tonight is school. i'm really looking forward to it.

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Monday, September 20 

you know, i could type out all the boring, alone things i did all weekend, but i don't think many of you care. really, how interesting is it to read about my watching three movies or buying a frame for my pretty print or moving the webcam for a slightly different angle or cleaning the bathtub or eating soup until i wanted to throw up?

yeah, i didn't think so.

i will say i'm excited about my three-day week followed by three days of fun and excitement in honour of my mom's 67th birthday. we have many fun and wonderful plans i'm really quite giddy about. it will be a funfunfun time!

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Friday, September 17 

okay, so i came to my senses and realized that after the Summer of Spending, there was no way i could justify buying $115 concert tickets to see rem, even if they are playing in my favourite "big" venue. i mean, really... they're no great big sea, afterall.

yesterday morning, i woke up with a pre-migraine. i thought i could fight through it, so i had my shower, brushed my teeth, got dressed, swallowed a handful of extra-strength tylenol, emailed my boss to tell him i wouldn't be coming into work, got undressed, went back to bed, put a towel over my eyes and slept until eleven o'clock. i still wasn't 100%, so i took another handful of tylenol, drank a mug of tea, made a pot of soup and watched three days worth of starting over. by the time i was scheduled to go to the thursday night financial seminar, i was feeling both better and on my way to worse again.

i'm fairly sure the tension headaches i've been experiencing for the past week or so could be cured with some massage therapy for my neck and shoulders. i've been noticing that i'm holding a lot of stress there. it almost feels as if my head is sinking into my shoulders, like a turtle retracting into its shell. it's not a very fun feeling. someone make me a massage appointment and i'll go. it's just the picking a place and making the call that i'm putting off. work even pays for it, so that's not even a reason to linger. i guess i must enjoy the discomfort. why else would i let myself suffer?

btw, i'll have some free time in victoria next saturday if anyone wants to buy me lunch or a latte.

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Wednesday, September 15 

i have the internet presale password (they're not available to everyone else until friday) for REM in vancouver on november 21st. who wants to go with me?

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Wednesday, September 15 

orange began as fruit growing on the tropical slopes of mountains in asia. in ancient sanskrit, its name was "naranga", or "fragrant".

the orange thrived along sunny shores on the mediterranean sea. in the middle ages, the moors brought it to italy and spain. spanish sailors carried orange seeds in their pockets to the new world, and the conquest of orange was complete.

orange was the colour of rare spices. it was a symbol of good health, strong appetite and robust sexuality. to the hill people of afghanistan, who cultivated the carrot, orange food was considered virtuous food.

the ancient greeks considered the orange to be a shade of red. if they had a word for the colour orange, it has been lost. chaucer said the colour was "betwixe yellow and reed". it ws not until the 1500s that the name of the fruit became the name of the colour.

orange is the colour of joy, energy and good health. it is the colour of conversation and friendly debate, the colour of wisdom and creativity. orange fights sadness and depression. warm and invigorating -- like the fruit itself -- is orange.

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Monday, September 13 

more orange flowers because: a) orange is my signature colour for 2004; and, b) today seems like a good day for flowers.

woke up with a headache, but i guess that's what i get for thinking too much too late at night. i'll try to remember that anything emotional i do before bed seems to translate into a throbbing brain and puffy eyes the next day.

the world of warcraft stress test has ended and i hope i'll be too busy with the start of school and that aforementioned ass-in-gear-getting that i won't go through too many withdrawls. then again, thanks to the almighty bruce, i'm on the waiting list for the closed beta. i don't know how long it'll be until they start up the new server and open the doors to more beta testers, but i'm waiting anxiously for it.

i totally forgot, but i have to bake cookies tonight for the office bake sale. i was planning on making my mint chocolate chip cookies (which are really mercy's, btw). great, what was i saying about my fat ass last night? no sampling. three dozen unsampled cookies will be baked and three dozen unsampled cookies will be delivered to work tomorrow. *lays down the law*

how come "three dozen" sounds like so much more than just "thirty-six"?

so, i was wondering, if i were to try to arrange a photogroffee-esque gathering of photographically coffee-inclined people to spend a morning making pictures around historical new westminster, who would be interested? in the two whole blocks i walked on the way to and from a company lunch there on friday i saw no fewer than half a dozen interesting things to photograph, and i wasn't even really looking for them. imagine if i had a group of fun photographers with me what great shots we could make! think about it and let me know if you're at all curious.

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Sunday, September 12 

sometimes i wonder if i'm depressed or if i'm just incredibly lazy and down on myself. i've had a really great, social, relaxing weekend, but as soon as i got home from picking my car up at the pub this morning, i've been overcome with dark thoughts and lonely feelings.

i feel completely, unbelievably, utterly unworthy. i look around this huge apartment and i'm overcome with how empty it is, how alone i am when i come home and close the door behind me. how i have pretty much given up on ever finding anyone to share it and my my life with.

i feel my pants getting tighter every week and i find myself still not caring enough about my health and appearance to put the workout tape back in the vcr or log my points each day. as long as the number on the scale is still lower than it was six months ago i seem not to care that it's slowly creeping back up and my fitness level is regressing much faster than that.

i feel like i'm stuck and i can't seem to bring myself to do so much as put on a pair of shoes and walk to the coffee shop on the corner, just to go outside and be around people; let alone get over my stupid infatuations and lingering feelings for men who are completely wrong for, not to mention not at all interested in, me. my fear of never meeting anyone new who could like and enjoy me keeps me isolated and reinforces my feeling uninteresting and unloveable.

i've been dreaming about people who have passed from my life, either through death or desertion. this week, a co-worker was killed on the highway and my cat was put down to end his long suffering. the vivid dreams have just accentuated my feelings of loss and loneliness. i wake and i wish i'd never slept or, at the very least, not dreamt.

oh, i know i've got a pretty spectacular life compared to a lot of people. that the time i spend belabouring my issues could be much better spent bettering myself or society, but i'm so paralyzed by the perceived enmormity of the tasks which need addressing that i can't even do so much as get up and scrub the rings from the stove or hang art on the walls. i complain about being alone, but when people ask to spend time with me i blow them off so i can spend more time alone brooding about being alone. yeah, i think i'm crazy, too.

now that i've gotten that all out of me, i hope i can get my rapidly enlarging ass in gear and get some shit done.

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Friday, September 10 

yesterday was probably the worst day i've had in years. i was so fucking sad i just wanted to die. or explode. i couldn't do anything but sit in my chair facing the corner and try not to break down in this horrible beige box full of people who couldn't possibly comprehend how much walter meant to me.

thank you all so much for your kind words, it means a lot to me that you all cared enough to take some time to offer condolences and support.

part of me feels ridiculous to be so affected by the loss of a pet i haven't lived with in almost seven years, but then i slap that part and remind myself that walter is, was, the closest thing i've ever had, or probably ever will have, to a child of my own. i love, loved, him so much it's almost obscene. as the years went by of my only seeing him when i visited mom and his growing distance from me (he'd never been a social cat by any stretch of the imagination, but he and i were very close) saddened me, but i understood.

he was my baby. the little four-week old kitten who fit in the palm of my hand. the tiny, fuzzy tabby which was given to me as a birthday present, complete with ribbons tied around his neck. someone to love, to help fill the void left when my previous cat, spud, passed away. the kitten who would fetch, eat pineapple, fit under the door into the pantry, knew exactly what to do with the litter the first time, watch tv, hide from everyone but mom & i, roll up into a hedgehog ball when you picked him up to clip his claws, stoically put up with endless baths because he never really learned how to wash himself properly, and always come to bed with me at night and purr me to sleep.

all that being said, i'm feeling a little lighter of spirit and i'm ready to face the world again today. i know that walter would have wanted it that way. =)

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Wednesday, September 08 

today, my cat, sir walter of corfield ended his battle with disease and discomfort.

it breaks my stupid little heart to know he'll never again stick his furry little face in the crook of my neck and purr for me, but it's tempered with the knowledge that he's no longer suffering and slowly fading away.

i love you beyond reason, my little geek. i hope you're finally resting in peace.

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Wednesday, September 08 

my great amazing race (slash housewarming) party has been cancelled (or, indefinitely postponed for the more optimistic out there). it was just far too demoralizing to have the rsvps number three-to-one in the negative. hey, at least this way i don't have to fret about getting pictures hung by friday or what food to make! although, i do still have to company-clean because i have an alternate dinner date with a hot guy who wants to come by to see the new place (yeah! take that!). then again, i shouldn't get too cocky for fear of his cancelling on me right as i'm getting my glam on.

going away this weekend seriously cut into my world of warcraft time. if i'd known how stupid addictive it would be, i just might have cancelled to stay home to slay things and quest my little heart out. no, i'm not in the beta, but i did luck out enough to get into the week-long stress test. i've not really cared about a video game of any sort since 1994 when i spent every waking moment playing lands of lore, but i can see that when WoW comes out it's going to be my crack of choice. now i know what all those everquest junkies were going on about.

for some reason i've decided that today is to be a girlie day. i'm all decked out in a skirt, powder blue and delicate shoes. i'm not quite sure what's going on. it's probably hormonal, either that or i'm in dire need of psychiatric assistance. luckily i was running late so there was no time for makeup, that's just going too far.

p.s. i really need a redesign soon, because, god forbid i have a layout for more than a year.

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Tuesday, September 07 

i need more sleep.

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Friday, September 03 

they say that the clothes make the man. well, what if you see an otherwise impeccably put together man in a suit at least three sizes too big for him? all i could think as i met joe the financial planner last night was "he looks like he's wearing his father's suit." someone really should tell him that green suit is far too big on him. it detracts from whatever air of authority someone whose hands you are going to put your life savings in should have.

but, anyway, my other news is that i'm going away for the weekend. yay three-day weekends! have fun, everyone.

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Thursday, September 02 

last night i did laundry. yeah, i know. i'm a wild woman. but what you don't know is that i did laundry with method laundry detergent and dryer sheets! mm, method. this is all jodi's fault. all of it. i take no responsibilty whatsoever. none. zip. nada.

of course, i was both off to a late laundry start (because i'm sloth-girl and some neighbour scooped my washer) so i didn't get out to buy cereal or drop meghan's american gifts off like i'd planned. oh well. i can live with eating just one kind of cereal for two days and she'll just have to wait until after i get home from the island. tonight i'm off to a financial planning/investment strategy seminar with my dad and tomorrow i leave early for the boat. whee!

did you know that dr. phil's son has a tv show? i think it's renovate my family or something. i caught a little bit of it while i was programming the vcr to tape the premiere of hawaii (you know me, i've got to watch the first episodes of all the new programs). you know, that kid creeps me out. he's got more hair than his dad, but he's also got his over-intense eyes that look like he's always trying to REALLY MAKE A POINT. emphasis eyes. creepy. but don't worry, i didn't watch it. jeremy would be so proud.

ooh, i just ordered the tickets for the eternal egypt exhibit and imax film i'm taking my mom to for her bithday in a couple weeks. i love the internet! batten down the hatches, victoria... here we come!

um. yeah. i think the coffee was extra strong this morning. *buzz*

p.s. i'm wearing my cute new underpants and i keep wanting to show people just how damn cute they are. then i realize that showing my underpants might not be the right thing to do at the office. offices are so dumb that way.

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Wednesday, September 01 

there was driving, there was talking, there was hockey, there was laughing, there was SHOPPING, there was taco bell, there was melanie. i can't think of a better way to spend a tuesday evening.

taco bell tastes much better in america.

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