Sunday, October 31 

if i didn't think i might break it, i'd have slept with my camera last night. as it was, all i did was dream of it and taking pictures all night long, but i blame jim for planting that subliminal suggestion.

i'm ridiculously giddy about it all. i spent most of yesterday around town taking pictures. i was sitting on a bench on the seawall waiting for the sun to set (i'm finally getting around to making the pictures on this list) and this older gentleman took a look at the big, black, huge, sexxy camera around my neck.

"you waiting for the sun to set?" he asked.

"yeah," i smiled, "it should happen any minute now."

"well, time's on your side, then!"

it's hard to be inconspicuous with such a big camera. i'm going to have to get used to that. i'm also going to have to get a camera bag. i like the look of this one, but it's like a hundred bucks. part of me thinks "hey, what's another hundred bucks?", but the other says "whoa, cowgirl. you're DONE with money."

i have so much to learn now. i think i like that. this camera is going to challenge me like the fuji never did. i can't wait to see what happens. i think i might need a bigger hard drive, though.

(4)

Friday, October 29 

it's Friday! my schedule, and i use the phrase very loosely, for this weekend allows me to sleep in just as much as my body wishes both Saturday and Sunday mornings. this is something i'm looking forward to almost more than what i have planned for Saturday afternoon. </cryptoblog>

tonight, i'm cooking fajitas for M&M&D at their place. i'll probably also have to rid Dean's computer of all the spyware they've infected it with in the last couple months. oh, and i get to present to them their anniversary gift which FINALLY ARRIVED this week. yay!

i'm totally over my anxious-fear about the new job. i signed the letter of offer and it's all officially official. i start training part days on the eighth of November and i should be in the job full-time by the seventeenth or twenty-second. i started cleaning out my desk drawers yesterday. holy crap, indeed! and that was just the file folders of stuff. i can't wait to go through the other side. seven years == lots of crap.

(1)

Thursday, October 28 

first, before i forget, thank you for your supportive and inquisitive comments on my anxious, wanna throw up, ohmygodican'tbelievei'mdoingthis, yes, Virginia, change is good post below.

i think i'm over the wanting to hurl, but i still cry every time i think about leaving my boss. how sad is that? i didn't have time last night to have a sob-fest to get it out of my system because i was playing WoW with Jeremy. i will have a really good cry tonight and maybe then i'll be able to look at Sam again without turning red, blotchy and have my face start leaking.

the thing is, i was so upset when i thought my chance to just apply for this new job was gone. then i was upset when i thought i wouldn't get an interview. then i got upset when i got the job. what kind of freak am i? i don't know what it is about getting what i think i want that turns me into some sort of unstable mess (see: Morgan*). i need this change.

i could plug along in this safe, secure position i know like the back of my hand and, every once in a while, have something new come along to make me happy with my work, but be mostly unfulfilled and slowly let my soul be sucked away to be recycled through the HVAC. i could do that, but i know the apathy which comes with being in that situation would only grow bigger and spread outwards into my non-work life (which i think it's already done, to be honest), making my entire life about keeping safe and being boring and slowly dying inside.

this is going to be a very big change. i'm going to be so much more busy than i've been used to. i'm going to learn and do so much. i'm finally starting to get a little bit excited. i'm not looking forward to training my replacement, but that's just something i have to deal with.

i just keep telling myself that it's not like i'm moving out of my mother's house to the big city to a temporary job i might not have in six months. that's what i did seven years ago when i moved back to north van. this is going to be a piece of cake!

* this is the third time this week i've mentioned him. i don't know if i'm not afraid he's going to read it anymore or what, but it feels pretty good to be able to reference him again without dread.

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Wednesday, October 27 

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power." - Alan Cohen

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." - M. Scott Peck

"Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death." - James F. Bymes

"Most people miss opportunity because when it knocks, they're too scared to open the door." - Tim Sheedy

they offered the job. now i have to decide if i can stop being nervous long enough to accept it.

(17)

Wednesday, October 27 

boys are everywhere!

it must be the full moon and tonight's lunar eclipse, but there were boys talking, looking and smiling at me all bloody night at school. the good smoke-smelling, skinny white kid with the baggy pants must have smoked a fattie after dinner because he was über chatty. then pseudo-Tourettes guy kept looking and grinning at me from across the room. even the potentially gay instructor spent a lot of time looking at, and sushing (i was trying to help School Shane, really), me during the lecture.

either i had a serious cowlick going on or i'm just too hot for school. *sizzle*

(0)

Tuesday, October 26 

so, i've been thinking. it's about time i fell madly in love. you know, the can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop thinking, dreaming, lusting about love. the kind of love which makes everything you do seem effortless because there's nothing which can't be accomplished when you have made a safe, cozy, warm and sheltered spot in your heart for someone else. completely unrealisitic, unrequited, unabashed, unrelenting, unafraid love.

i want to fall and i want to fall hard. at this point, i don't think i even care if the boy knows i exist. i need to feel it. i need to know that i can let someone be that overwhelmingly important to me again. it's been a long time since i wanted and loved and cared so much about someone. i haven't let myself because i was afraid of the outcome. now? yeah, i think i know the outcome, so i'm willing to just enjoy all the rest.

now, who to choose. my designated crush for 2004, Jim, might be the obvious choice. or maybe the new boy on the block, Davin? what about tried and true favourites like Jason, Tall Shane or Morgan (who said you can't go home again)? i could find a nice, single night-shift worker to fabricate a great little fantasy life around and just sigh happily when i cross his path in the parking lot after his shift. or i could go for one of the marrieds like School Shane, Jeremy or Darren. what about that barrista boy who looked just like Joey Jeremiah? or the tall, dark guy who works at my local London Drugs? oh, the choices!

i suppose, if i'm really honest, i'd really like whichever boy it is i fall for to fall right back. it's been a while since there was a boy completely besotted with me (she says like it's happened more than once). physicists say that objects all free-fall at a constant rate (9.8 metres per second per second, by the way). too bad that's not true for people's hearts. why can't two hearts fall for each other at the same rate, arriving at the same place at the same time? Newton really should have spent some time studying that.

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Monday, October 25 

when i woke up yesterday, the absolute last thing i would have willingly chosen to do would have been to spend two hours in the car and five hours in a mall with other human beings. i had the cramps and headache from HELL. my ideal day would have been spent curled up on the futon, under a blankie watching my firefly dvds. but, because i'd already committed and i still kind of wanted to go, i headed out to pick up Mel and Chris for our Bellis Fair adventure. but Chris, being a stinky boy-like creature, decided to not come, so it was just us girls.

Mel had a very successful shopping day! i, on the other hand, practiced amazing restraint. of course, most of everything i looked at was crap and, really, i felt like poopiepants so i wasn't about to be finding anything clothing-wise to be at all attractive on me. but, i did find a cute holiday-themed shirt at Old Navy which i couldn't pass up for $10 (i think i love Old Navy. it's probably a very good thing i don't fit into most of their stock.). i may have to go back when i don't have an ouchie heel to look at those half price New Balance runners, though.

otherwise, my weekend was dull and lonely. M&M went to the in-laws for dinner Saturday night, so i didn't see them this week. Dean could have asked if i would come over to do the work on his computer i was going to do on card night, but he didn't ask so i didn't offer (hey, it's a favour to him, not me). i missed Col's call about going to the VPL book sale. but, i did watch a couple of movies, go for a nice little walk around the neighbourhood to run errands and finally make friends with the pretty tortoise shell cat which lives in the building next door.

if only i'd done some homework and more chores instead of playing WoW. at least my human warlock is finally at level 12 to show for it. </geek>

(1)

Friday, October 22 

okay, so maybe i didn't die, but i sure as hell was nervous enough for my heart to think about quitting instead of continue beating that hard.

the interview was two hours of talking about myself. although you might think otherwise, what with this here website i've been writing on for four years now, i am really not very comfortable talking about myself. especially not when it means playing up my strengths and abilities. i tend to assume i'm fairly mediocre and nothing i do is of any great talent so when they ask things like "what's your skill level in Excel" or "what strengths would you bring to this position" i stammer and make some sort of comment about curiosity and cuteness.

a lot of the questions were answered with me referencing things i did at my previous job at the golf car place. after the interview and as the day turned into evening and the evening turned into night and even as i was getting ready for work this morning i kept remembering more things i used to do at that job which i'd totally forgotten about (and should have mentioned yesterday). this is where the not thinking what i do is so great comes in. looking back, it didn't feel like i was doing that much at that job, but when i had to talk about the different tasks and duties it started to sound like a lot. here i was, some punk nineteen year old running an office.

i told them the story about how i took home a year's worth of customer invoices and sorted them out alphabetically and chronologically in order to then transcribe all the customer information, invoices and payments onto their new customer account cards. that took about a week's worth of evenings. mom wasn't too impressed, but the cat sure did like lying on all that crinkly paper.

that's a pretty crazy thing to do. maybe i am good at organizing and tracking stuff. maybe i do know more than i believe that i do. maybe i am smarter than i give myself credit for. maybe i am ready to take on a job which will actually challenge me again.

i'll know sometime next week.

(1)

Thursday, October 21 

i don't have a lot of time to compose this morning because internet access will be broken while the networky people are swapping out something or other at the sub station which will upgrade and streamline the internet connection with our service provider to hopefully solve connectivity issues.

yeah, i didn't understand it either.

in preparation of the INTERVIEW in two hours and sixteen minutes, i am dressed in my best "hire me" monochromatic brown outfit. the only glitch are the black shoes. they're not brown because: a) my matching pair of brown shoes make my left kneecap pop out of place, b) my not matching pair of brown shoes are far too broken in (read: scruffy) to be presentable in an INTERVIEW; and, c) the almost matching pair of brown shoes are truly ugly and uncomfortable (hey, anybody want an ugly pair of uncomfortable size nine brown ralph lauren shoes i really shouldn't have bought at Winners that day, but my mom thought they were really cute so i caved?). my hair is brown, my eye is half brown, even my eyeshadow is brown. the idea of wearing these black shoes is really getting to me now. maybe taking into consideration my mascara is black-brown will help.

no, it's not helping.

ohmygod. an INTERVIEW! i haven't had a job interview in, um, seven and a half years. the one before that was in 1991. that's thirteen (almost fourteen!) years ago. and it's so much easier to bullshit in an interview when you haven't known and worked with the people interviewing you for, um, YEARS.

i just realized... when the interview kills me, you won't even notice. you'll just think the internet outage is longer than anticipated. you won't know that i've become a twitching, frothing heap of interview-defeated Heather rolling around on the floor in the HR lady's office.

just so you know, if i die Heather gets my camera and Jeremy gets my computers.

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Wednesday, October 20 

at this point i don't think i'm ever going to be happy until i buy that damn camera. seriously, how many reviews, online camera shops and samples can i look at until i drive myself completely insane with wanting? i even calculated how much i'd save if i bought it at Bellis Fair (note to self: i really have to watch say anything again soon) when i go with Mel and Chris on Sunday. oy. how i must enjoy torturing myself.

my mid-term was worryingly easy. you know, when you walk out of an exam and you think you aced it is precisely when you totally blew it. here's to hoping i didn't totally blow it!

oh, right, i have an interview for that job tomorrow. ugh. i nearly soiled myself when i read the email my internals flip-flopped so uncomfortably. i hate interviews, i become convinced i sound like a complete and utter buffoon. what's worse is that the interview is with the HR lady i can't stand and not the manager of the department i love and get along well with, but the new supervisor i'm not sure of yet. i guess that means i have to shave my legs and wear a skirt. is there no end to this humiliation?

five weeks ago i ordered a gift for m&m's 2nd anniversary (which was yesterday, btw). i'd tell you what it was, but she reads the site. anyway, according to the website of the company from which i ordered said gift, it was shipped a mere four days later. typical shipments from this particular company usually take, on average, ten to fourteen days to arrive after shipping. as of last night's lack of package, it's been FOUR WEEKS.

i just happened to catch a blurb on the news saying that due to various factors, not excluding security issues and labour disputes with federal employees, packages coming into Canada are facing delays of up to three weeks because there's such a backlog and dearth of inspectors to inspect them. THREE WEEKS! that's fucking ridiculous. seriously, there's no good reason to explain that. it's not like they inspect every package anyway. geez.

of course, i'm only mentioning it because you might want to send my xmas presents a little early this year to ensure they get to me on time. *grin*

see? i wasn't just whining (or begging for presents).

(7)

Tuesday, October 19 

to quote my post from yesterday:

well, i did watch TV. i did IM. i did play WoW. but, i also did the easier exercise in preparation for the exam and got about half-way through the big, scary assignment. if i have time this week, i'll try to get it finished, but at this point, it's not really worth it for me. doing the smaller one helped me understand the process of implementing objects and how inheritence works in a practical, code-writing sense. i didn't even need to ask jeremy for help!

now i just have to re-read all my notes for the mid-term. oy.

word in the halls is that i'm a lock for the new job. of course, with this place and rumours, you never really know what the hell is going on, so i'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up. just in case, i have been backing up all my files from the hard drive to the network. the amount of crap i've collected on this computer in the last three years is astounding. yes, jeremy, i know i'm a packrat.

i hope i get the new job if only so that it means i'm that much closer to getting my new camera. *daydream*

speaking of dreams, holy crap last night's was vivid and oddly familiar. i think it was based on a previous dream and, oddly enough, the TV show Witchblade. there was this tall, dark, mouth-wateringly handsome and slightly insane man (very much like both Ian Nottingham and Morgan) who appeared and then disappeared from my life. next thing i know, i'm camped out on a park bench beside the cemetary across the street from the last place i'd seen him, sure that he would return to me.

a nosy neighbour lady came over to see if i was all right and then tried to enter the apartment i thought Thane (yes, that was his name) might have gone. i tried to warn her that he was unpredictable and that she shouldn't surprise him but tragedy struck. Thane was startled and mortally injured the annoying, nosy woman.

interestingly, i didn't care that much. i was more concerned with Thane's well-being. there was much holding and consoling (and, yeah, intimate (but not sexual) touching). he would flash back and forth between quite crazy and strong and stoic. i just wanted to hold him and make it better, secure in the knowledge that he'd tear anyone who threatened me to shreds.

and people wonder why i like to sleep so much. with dreams like this, who needs reality?

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Monday, October 18 

remember when i said i was going to do my homework this weekend? yeah, well, that didn't happen. i did get my car looked at, my dad picked up from the airport and all my laundry done, though. i even saw m&m&d saturday night for pizza & cards and cooked stew AND spicy meatloaf for the week.

my mid-term is tomorrow and my assignment is one week overdue and i really can't bring myself to give a shit. i'm really tempted to just switch to auditing the course, but then i'm flushing $450 down the toilet. ugh. i wish i could figure out why i'm so reluctant to just sit down and start figuring out this crap. i understand most of the concepts, but when it comes to the practical, code-oriented implementations i get so confused. i don't know if it's the fact there's no lab component to the course so i'm not getting enough code time or if all these stupid .h and .cpp files mess me up. either way, i'm so overwhelmed i just don't want to start anything at all. obviously.

tonight, i'm going home, putting on my favourite homework music (elliptical orbit) and doing nothing but working on the assignment. NOTHING. no IM (unless i need to beg jeremy for help), no TV, and definitely no WoW. it will be me, a case of diet pepsi and a bunch of scary inherited classes.

kill me.

(2)

Friday, October 15 

i had promised myself that i'd talk to more people i didn't know than people i did know at the blog meetup last night. i didn't succeed. exactly. i finally got a chance to have a real conversation with gill, whom i'd met, but not said much more than "hi" and "bye" to. i also spent more time chatting with jen which just confirmed all my original, and positive, impressions. of course, i had to spend some quality time with my col-meister catching up and gossiping. i met shane (who made my night with his reaction when i mentioned my site), alex (with whom i didn't do much more than say "hi" and shake hands) and nelson's new lavagirl, emmy.

of course, the best part was meeting davin. he's just as lovely as everyone i've ever read says he is. now i know why it seems the entire city of Victoria is in love with him. then again, how could i not be impressed when he managed to make a photo of me which i'm not too embarrassed about?

while everyone is off having an exciting and interesting weekend, i'm going to be doing one of three (possibly four) things: HOMEWORK (not only is it to get my assignment completed, but to study for my mid-term); getting my car looked at (the wheel rubbing/grinding noise has returned, with a friend, and i want that gone gone gone); picking my papa-san up at the airport on sunday lunchtime; and, playing cards with my friends whom i haven't seen in WEEKS. oh, i also have to clean my sty of an apartment. with the being away and the crazy schedule i have totally let the place go. then again, my "sty" is other people's "kind of messy", but still. it's all about working within your comfort level, right?

yeah, i'm a party animal.

(5)

Thursday, October 14 

if i still time-stamped my entries, you'd see that it's 5:16am. five-sixteen. in the morning. FIVE-SIXTEEN. and, i've already been awake for half an hour! oy. the things i won't do for the people that i love.

my new favourite phrase is "oy". i use it to express frustration, exhaustion, incredulity, joy, salutation and anarchy (oy! oy! oy!). it's multi-purpose and i love that. so, if you're spending any time with me in meatspace in the near future, expect to be inundated with oy's. i just can't help it! oy.

speaking of meatspace, tonight's the semi-regular vancouver people-who-have-a-blog-or-just-like-blogs meet thingie. i'm rather thrilled at the chance to meet the infamous davin now that he's living in my 'hood. he's good friends with jim, who, if i may be so presumptuous to say, is one of my very good friends i've not yet met. you know how that goes. boy writes blog, girl writes blog, boy im's girl, boy and girl talk about all manners of things for several years without ever travelling the 50 or so kilometres to go have a damn coffee together. ah, the internet. the only place you can feel so close to someone you'll never meet.

i'm applying for a new job today. it's a different position within the same company, but it's a bit of a raise and a completely different department. at this point, i don't honestly know if i want to get it. i'm not good with change and i have this horrible sense of loyalty to my boss. i don't want him to think i'm abandoning him. that being said, i've been doing the same work for the past, OH MY GOD, seven years. i think it's time for a change. right? change is good, so they say.

all right, time to gas up the geo and head off to fetch my papa-san for an airport run. happy thursday! it is thursday, isn't it?

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Wednesday, October 13 

i woke up this morning sure it was thursday. i was getting dressed and packing my stuff as if i was going straight from work to a union meeting and then to a blog meet thingie. luckily it isn't thursday because if it were, my dad would have been very late for his plane as i'm supposed to be taking him to the aiport at 6am tomorrow morning.

oy. this is going to be such a long week. and it's not even half over!

today is flu shot day. i hope i don't die.

(5)

Tuesday, October 12 

i had a good, lazy, food-filled turkey weekend. there was far too much laughing and food. we should have sent some of it to afghanistan for the starving, humourless children. my auntie came over and candled my ears which didn't do a damn thing except disgust me with the amount of crap that came out of me (oh, look, it can be dangerous and could possibly be a total scam, let alone illegal in canada.).

i was all geared up to go to the london drugs in nanaimo-chuk and buy myself a new camera, but i left my trusty mastercard at home. i suppose that's a sign. then again, i also got an email telling me how to get a free one (if i jump through fourteen hoops on the 31st day of february wearing duck feathers and chanting abba's "fernando" backwards, in polish and be a resident of the usa, dammit). i wish the universe would make up its damn mind and stop sending me conflicting messages!

this week is looking to be killer busy and it is really starting to stress me out. i have so many fucking things to do and no time to do them because i'm completely overbooked. i wish i'd come home late sunday night so i could have had at least a little time to get things accomplished. i very nearly called in sick to work today just so i could start on them. my to-do list is frighteningly long. oy. i need a drink.

p.s. the photos this week (tues-fri) are clickable for larger versions.

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Thursday, October 07 

my second BCAA guy in two days came by and installed a new battery for me last night. it's comforting to know your car will start when you want it to.

oh, a practical reason why i need a new camera: i was looking to put together a calendar from cafepress for m&m for xmas with photos of their cats. well, it seems the maximum resolution of photos from my camera is too small for a full bleed on the calendar pages. how sad is that?

otherwise, i'm confused because yesterday felt a lot like friday.

(3)

Wednesday, October 06 

i have two big car-related anxieties.

the first is that my car will somehow stop working on one of the many bridges in the Greater Vancouver region. once you're stopped on a bridge, you've nowhere to go until the tow truck comes and you're the object of cranky drivers' ire. the second is to walk out of my house, the mall, movie theatre, work, wherever and find my car gone from where i've left it.

i think i should put a third on my list: getting into my car late at night someplace semi-deserted and far from home only to turn the key in the igniton and be met with silence.

oh wait, that happened to me last night!

yeah, my battery crapped out sometime during class. ugh. it totally sucked to be sitting in the quickly emptying BCIT parking lot trying to figure out how i'd get home from the mechanic if i needed the car towed there, and how i'd get to work this morning if the same were true.

first, i phoned my daddy, because that's what a girl is supposed to do when they're in trouble, right? well, he wasn't home. i left him a message telling him that i'd call him from the mechanic's once i got there via tow truck. then i called BCAA (that's the British Columbia Automobile Association, btw). the very nice lady on the phone told me that it was very busy in the Burnaby area so it would be about an hour until they could get to me. i must have made some disconcerted noise because she then asked me if i was alone, if i had a safe place to stay and she'd put a rush on it because i was alone in a parking lot all by myself. nice lady!

so, i walked back to SE12 and did what anyone else would when they're bored and it's too late to phone their friends because they have to get up and go to work the next day: i phoned my mommy. i woke her up, but that's okay, she loves me and can sleep in in the morning. actually, we had a really good chat for fourty minutes or so until my cell phone rang to tell me the BCAA guy was in the vicinity.

now, let's talk about the really nice BCAA guy. his name was bob. bob #92. i showed him the funky undimming of dash lights and the non-starting of the engine and he did a gravity test on the battery, gave me a jump and even washed some of the corrosion off the battery before he closed the hood. he was very nice, answered all my questions and even volunteered information about what he was doing (i didn't ask about the gravity test, i'd seen it done before but couldn't remember what it was called or what it tested). he got my car running enough for me to get it home (in the cold and silence because i was too paranoid to turn on the heat or the radio for fear of draining the battery. i couldn't remember if all the power for that stuff comes from the alternator when the engine is running or not.). thank you, bob #92!

unsurprisingly, the car wouldn't start this morning. dad had offered me a lift if that was the case, so i phoned him at 6:30 and he chauffered me to work and will be fetching me come 4 o'clock. when he gets me home i'll call BCAA yet again and get their Battery Express service to come out, test stuff and sell me a new battery right there in my parking spot. these guys are so smart.

let this be a lesson to all of you with automobiles, or who ride in automobiles. you never know when you'll need roadside assistance. pay the $60 a year. if you ever need it, it'll be the best insurance policy you'll ever have.

as i lay in bed, the clock glowing a red 12:02 and the alarm set for 5:28, i took a series of deep breaths and surrendered all my car-related worries, concerns and anxieties to the universe. i told the universe that it was time i retired my 13 year old first vehicle, that it was time i had a new, reliable, mechanically sound, not-too-big and not-too-ugly car. i let it all go and it will be okay. i hope.

(5)

Tuesday, October 05 

i think you know you're not gay when you're only attracted to the most beautiful specimens of your gender, without exception.

(9)

Tuesday, October 05 

do you know C++? can you design inherited classes? do you want to help me with my homework? i'll send cookies or buy you beer (whichever geography allows)!

i'm trying really hard not to be all giddy because mr. powazek replied to my photographer behaviour questions from yesterday. combine this with dj ariz0na now living in my neighbourhood and mrs. powazek-champ emailing me i'm just a little net.star-struck. you'd think i was thirteen again and i'd just met michael jackson i'm so excited.

shut up. michael jackson was still cool in 1985.

(1)

Monday, October 04 

what kind of freak gets up at 7:30am on a sunday morning and starts doing major housework just to stop dreaming the stressful, narrative dreams they were dreaming? yup, that'd be the me kind of freak. seriously, though, my dreams saturday night were just way too anxious. on the surface it was just a bunch of people i knew living in a house together, but the undercurrents between the collection of people tied my stomach into a big ol' knot. that would probably explain why i didn't eat anything until well after noon and spent a lot of the morning convinced i had cancer because i felt so out of sorts and wobbly.

just remember, boys and girls, low blood sugar is bad.

last night's dream was just as narrative and vibrant, but much less anxiety-driven. in it, i went for an overnight visit with Julie which is kind of weird because i've never met her before. i finally saw her house and met Leeloo. then , and this is where it gets strange and dream-like, she was showing me photos of a Ray Charles concert she'd photographed; but, instead of just looking at the photos, it's as if we were suddenly backstage at the concert and i got to watch her take all of the photos (and meet one of Ray's backup singers who was being very sweet to me).

later, while i was concerned that i hadn't packed any clean underwear, i told Julie that i'd noticed that her hair serves as a signal. when it was all flippy, she was inviting interaction and was very outgoing. when it was smoother and rounder, she was feeling calmer and more introspective. that's pretty much when the scary, loud, ufo-like noise (which was probably just a street-cleaner, now that i think about it) woke me up.

the dream wasn't hugely symbolic, but it did explore something i've been thinking about lately. i've been looking at Heather, Derek, Matt, Julie, Davin and Jim's photos lately and wishing i could watch them work. i want to follow them through their day and see how they react when they find a photo to make. do they carry their cameras everywhere? do they keep them around their necks, just waiting for something to happen or do they note something and then go back to capture it? do they have a proper camera bag? what about angles? do they get right down on their bellies on the street during rush hour to get that perfect perspective? do their tires squeal as they slam on the brakes to stop the car and get the shot? (and, more technically, do they ask every person they photograph for their permission and/or to sign a release?)

i guess i'm not quite ready for photograhy prime-time yet. i'm still quite self-conscious when i take my camera out in public. i can see people thinking "uh, why is she taking a picture of that [insert normally non-photographed item here]?" and i either rush through or abandon the process. i recognize that's just my glitch and if i'm going to be serious about it, i need to get over that PDQ.

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Friday, October 01 

woke up with a headache and the portion of my body between my knees and my waist still need about twenty paces of warming up each time i get up from my chair before the pain subsides. it's a good reminder of how much i let myself and my fitness level go this summer. i let all the change and adventure be an excuse for slacking off. at least i got a new apartment and hugged jeremy out of it. i guess that's worth a little pain.

for the next thirty-one days, i'm going to write down every single penny i spend on everything. i know where my money comes from, but i've totally lost track of where it goes. this newfound dedication to fiscal cognizance is brought upon my my seething, violent desire for a new camera. this is exactly how i felt before i got my Fuji. the indescribable lust for the one thing which would help me express all the creative things boiling around inside of me. while my camera has served me very, very well for the last two and a bit years, it's time to move onto something with a little more creative control. i missed a lot of shots over my weekend away because of the limitations of my digital point'n'shoot. i don't want to miss any more shots.

speaking of shots, i'll be completing my self-imposed homework this weekend, probably tomorrow. i'm really looking forward to it. sometimes it's nice to have someone else tell me what to take pictures of.

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