January 2005 Archives

it was really hard for me to muster a lot of emotion about all the website stuff after hearing about my ex-coworker's death. there was just too much sadness in my heart.

his name was Tony Bennett. no, really. of course, not that Tony Bennett, but he sure did handle the jokes about sharing his name with that italian crooner well. he was the most distinguished, learned man i'd ever met at the tender age of twenty. he was born in Bristol, England, tall, father of two, with a full head of white hair and accompanying goatee, meticulously landscaped.

he seemed to me to know something about everything. his father had sold antiques to the Queen. he went to school with Acker Bilk. he spent time serving in Saudi Arabia. he taught me everything i know about how anything automotive works (and how to change a flat tire all by myself -- something he made a point of doing before i took off on my very first road trip in my very first car). he absolutely glowed with love and pride whenever he talked about his wife or sons. i loved to hear his stories of family life: what the dog got up to while they were out at a craft fair, what new girlfriend his son had, what new creation his very talented wife had made, what new home renovation he'd completed, a synopsis of what he learned in his boating course that week. he taught me how golf cars work and, through observation, how customer service worked. we had a mighty collection of kinder toys at work. we'd bring each other our favourites or the one we needed to complete a series. for such a gentleman, he wasn't afraid to be silly. i loved that about him.

i think he was a surrogate father to me at a time when i felt very forgotten by my own dad. no one should be surprised that less than four hours after i heard of his passing, i was on a boat back to that little city to pay my respects at his memorial.

i don't know how i kept it together as much as i did. i'm not good at condolences. as soon as i saw his wife i started to well up. it was less than twenty-four hours since i'd found out this wonderful, wonderful man had died, so it was all very close to the surface for me. i wish i could have expressed to his wife and sons just how much i cared for him, but it was all i could muster to give her a hug and tell her how sorry i was before i felt myself starting to cry again. thank goodness my mother was there to have a conversation with her while i composed myself.

i feel so much remorse for not keeping in touch with him. i was JUST thinking about him this past week. i can't remember if it was in a dream or just a random memory, but he was very much present in my thoughts. did i know? during one of my recent trips to visit mom we drove through his neighbourhood, past his house. was he inside, medicated with morphine to take away his pain?

i may not have worked with him for the last seven years but i have never forgotten, nor will i ever forget, him.

i'm so glad my mom told me about the memorial. i'm so glad my dad was there to take me to the ferry. i'm so glad i got to know Tony for as long, and as well, as i did. he was a truly wonderful man. the world was lucky to have had him.

the best part of friday was waking up. everything after that whiplashed me into quite a state.

following my usual morning routine, my towel and slipper-clad self went to the computer to do that which one addicted to the internet does. i checked my gmail account, i made sure my paycheque had been deposited, i checked my overnight downloads. you know, the usual.

just as i was about to get dressed and leave for work, i thought to check my fubsy.net mail. i wondered why it asked me for my login info. again. and again. then i saw something which set off my panic response. buried in the traditionally cryptic outlook express error messages was "account suspended".

oh shit.

i checked the blog and found what you all have been seeing for the past few days. oy. my mind ran through the reasons why this would have happened. it wasn't non-payment. while i was doing my banking moments earlier, i noticed the charge for the next three months had been processed just days before. maybe my install was being used to spend spam. i'd just heard of that vulnerability the day before (and had downloaded mt 3.15 to finally upgrade, and prevent such a thing from happening). by then, i was risking tardiness, so i sent a short and harsh email to my host's support account and headed off for my day.

my car windows took forever to defrost. i hit every red light on the way to work. i was behind every slow driver. someone had parked in my usual spot. the web work my boss-boss had for me was over-complicated by technical issues (and exposed me to the UGLY html my web replacement is putting on the internet, shaming my beautiful baby site). my boss was cranky. the thai restaurant i REALLY wanted to have lunch at was closed for lunch. mom emailed me to ask my why her fubsy email account was acting up. then she emailed to tell me an old co-worker from the golf car place had died on sunday. oh, and my site was down because something happened to spike the server load TWO MONTHS AGO and the emails they had been sending to an address i haven't had in HALF A YEAR telling me to contact them or they'd delete my count had not been replied to. obviously.

i jumped through a lot of hoops with my host, after waiting almost two days to hear back from them about the situation. then, at one point, they wanted me to make changes to the site to fix the TWO MONTH OLD problem, but failed to realize with the account suspended, i couldn't get to my site to make any changes. oy. i've spent the last few hours installing, tweaking and rebuilding. i need to do a couple more small things and then i get to ask them to move my account back to the server i pay for and out of harm's way.

i'm really glad this weekend is over.

sorry the site was down. it's a long story, i'll fill you in later. i just got home from the island where i went for a memorial. comments are disabled until further notice. if you need to get ahold of me, please gmail. update: okay... they're back. i had to do some server maintenance.

I HAVE A BAD ATTITUDE!!!

why is it that just because someone works with computers, they're considered someone to ask for all sorts of computer-related questions? why do i feel the need to say "yes" when people ask me to fix their dirty, rotten, spyware-infected computers? oh, right. i'm a sucker. anyway, i spent seven hours cleaning, installing, re-installling, re-cleaning and installing my father's girlfriend's computer in payment for my lovely new bed. still, that doesn't mean i didn't hate every second of it. especially when she's there yapping on about trying to uninstall the popups she was getting. oy. OY, i say! so, i dreamt that i died last night. at my birthday party, no less. i don't know how i died, but i there i was, some ghostly version of me while there were still people arriving for the party. for some reason, heather could see and talk to me, so with her help, we went through all my possessions (which seemed to consist mostly of office supplies and condiments) and i told her what to keep for herself, keep for other people and what to get rid of so i didn't embarrass my parents. very strange. i think it was the motrin i took before bed to take the edge off my body aches. body aches? yes, i'm a uniform wrangler these days. that means lifting, shifting, packing, taping and moving 50-plus-pound boxes of clothing in a reasonably confined space. needless to say, i've been a bit achy when i get home. friday, i took a very hot bath (and then went to work on the aforementioned computer). monday, i took a motrin before leaving work (and then went to work on the aforementioned computer, again). last night, i ate baked doritos and laid on the futon for nearly three full hours before i got up to make soup. unfortunately, i think i tweaked something in my right shoulder yesterday. it's not so bad this morning, but i'll have to be careful with it today. i'm still really tired today. it was pure willpower which got me out of bed this morning. i guess i can't say i don't have any of that from now on. anyway, i have something to look forward to tonight: a phone date with my friend jeremy! yay! he's been one of the casualties of my recent hermitage, and we hardly ever talk without typing, so it'll be fun to catch up using our voices. double-yay!

so tired, you have no idea. i'm really looking forward to going to bed early tonight. i think i'm going to like programming in java. i've discovered lattes with shots of vanilla or hazelnut. mm, shots. *yawn* i told you i was tired.

january has been a month of introspection and hibernation for me. i don't know if that's just because it's january, or other reasons, but i'm finding myself really hiding from people lately. i don't want to talk to anyone. i really don't want to go anywhere. interacting with people seems like such a bother. it's a struggle just to get my point accross and i really don't have the energy to fight that battle right now. at this point, with five days left in the month, i don't really see the point in even trying. i'm letting this month end as introverted and hermitly as i like, for february is starting with a BANG. in the first seven days of february alone, i have four engagements to attend. it's almost enough to scare me back into bed, under the über-blankie, but really, i'm quite looking forward to it all. there will be lots of different people doing lots of different things, going lots of different places... i think it's just what i need to yank me out of myself after this month of me.

if it hadn't been for two phone calls i really wasn't that keen on participating in, i very nearly went the entire weekend only talking to the checkout girl at the grocery store and i would have been totally fine with that. i watched three dvds (wag the dog (which i'd seen before, but forgotten), harold and kumar go to white castle (which was okay, but nowhere near as funny as i'd hoped), and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (which was absolutely strange and wonderful and so, so, so good!)), cleaned the floors and bathroom, rearranged some furniture, installed some software, wrote some java programs, tried to do my assigned reading, discovered sigur ros, made chicken fried rice, ate soup, drank raspberry vodka in raspberry iced tea, tried to seduce a boy, did lots and lots of laundry, organized my shoes, had a hot bath, shaved my legs, gave myself a mini-pedicure, discovered baked doritos (ohmygod!), took out the trash, listened to the rain and slept in my lovely bed with my lovely sheets and my lovely überblankie. it was a good weekend.

why does my jar of jam have its contents in millilitres while my jar of peanut butter have its contents in kilograms? i'm just curious. today is going to be an extra-ordinarily challenging and stressful day. i asked my boss if i could go back home to bed and start all over; he just told me to drink more coffee. did i mention i brought work home last night? debbie nearly threw something at me when i told her that. oh, right. i haven't mentioned all the fun work stuff going on lately. that was a sarcastic italics, by the way. i still love the job. i just don't love all the politics which are going on right now. ugh. i'm going to make a list of things i will accomplish this weekend. i am in dire need of a real sense of accomplishment right now. i'm feeling completely useless, unworthy and unmotivated these days. everything seems so daunting and i feel unequiped to manage any of it. my hope is that setting some goals and achieving them, even if it is just a laundry list of minor tasks and chores, will help restore some motivation in me to set and succeed at bigger goals.

in this day and age there is absolutely no excuse for any company of any size or repute not to have a google-able website which has, at the very least, current contact information with which one can actually obtain a response from a real, live person. to recap, the three minimum requirements of a good, basic business web presence: - a website which is kept up to date - some sort of search engine optimization program so that it is not buried on page 14 of search results - someone dedicated to answering email enquiries in a timely and professional manner

- catalog and categorize all my photos
- design my nuttymuffin.com site
- set up my cafepress store for nuttymuffin
- redesign the blog
- get a haircut
- de-spyware dean's computer
- de-spyware dad's girlfriend's computer
- get my muffler replaced
- exercise
- get all my work to a "ground zero" state so i won't feel so overhwelmed every day
- go see a movie
- take pictures/experiment with long exposures/play with new remote
- do my assigned reading
- catch up with jeremy

school started again last night. welcome to the world of cranky wednesdays! i know i'm cranky because EVERY FUCKING DRIVER on my commute to work did something to piss me off. i'm not a big road-rager, but, holy goat fuck, was i screaming this morning. oy! in better news, karen phoned me last night to tell me the t-shirt i bought her arrived, it fits perfectly and she loves it. that made me happy. there's something so satisfying about finding the perfect gift for someone. so, it's been about four days since the temperature stopped flirting with negative numbers and the rains have started to come down like noah used to know. i'll always choose rain over snow, but there's a new twist on temperature changes affecting my life. have i mentioned that the heat in my building is centrally controlled? the individual apartments have no thermostats. we're at the mercy of whatever the boiler is set to. well, it took pavel the super a week to catch up to the cold and turn the heat up (just when i'd gotten used to wearing flannel and furry slippers). now, four days after the thaw, my apartment is like a sauna. i have all my windows and the balcony door open just to take the edge off. my bedroom... well, it's a good thing i have all that new space in my bed so it's just a matter of rolling over to find a cool spot on the mattress during the night. i'm the kind of person that has to have a cold room to sleep in. i turn in to a furnace once i'm under the überblankie and it's a matter of survival to keep the ambient temperature outside of my downy cocoon very near chilly so i don't melt during the night. this reallycold/reallyhot yo-yo i'm living in is starting to get to me. i guess i should just remind myself that this time last year i was in the same situation, but it was because controlling the craptastic electric baseboard heater was like trying trying to wrangle cats. but at least i could turn the goddamn heat off at night!

you know when you just can't muster the energy to talk? when you look at your IM list and see all those people you consider friends, or at least conversational acquaintances, and you can't think of anything beyond "hey" to type to them? when you're actually relieved that someone cancels a lunch date so that you won't have to make conversation? you know when you just want someone warm to show up at your door with their arms open, waiting for you to fall into them? when there are no expectations or ulterior motives? when they just know that you need to have someone physically close? you know when everything just seems so big and overwhelming? when you can't seem to start anything because the end feels so far away? when you're throttled by the fear you won't be good enough? when you can't even begin to imagine feeling excited about anything again? you know when it's time to get up off your ass and do something about it? yeah, it's that time.

it feels like lots of stuff happened this weekend, but i only left the house twice, the only people i talked to were my parents and, really, how exciting can you say your life is when the big news is you cleaned your oven & toilet? saturday was a good day, which was important because friday was a bad night. i slept for a good twelve hours (much needed rest to get better, you know). i was up for about an hour when my dad phoned which precipitated a mad tidy-up dash about the apartment while he walked over to bring me things. i hadn't realized it, but it was the first time he'd been over since i had unpacked and decorated. he'll be coming over again soon to do some electrician-y type work around the place (can you believe that none of the outlets are new enough to take polarized plugs?). after coffee & chatting with my papa, i set out to run some errands. my itinerary included the bank to fetch laundry quarters, the hardware store to fetch a new cord for the percolator & new outlets, and the camera store to fetch a remote for my camera. it was the latter which caused me some consternation. for some reason, i took my camera out of it's bag and i heard a nasty, scary, HOLYFUCK rattling i'd never heard before. i took the lens cap off and clicked a couple of crappy test shots. everything seemed to be working all right, but there was still the disconcerting noise. i tilted it and looked at it and then i saw it... glass. ohmygod. i swear my heart was in my throat. i panicked, put the lens cap back on and practically ran out to do my stuff. first the bank, then the hardware store, then the camera shop, where the very nice lady at the counter looked as worried as i did when i said "i think the glass has popped out of my lens". then, as usually happens when i find myself in some world-ending situation: i discover it wasn't anything major and i've stressed myself out for no good reason. seems the inner ring on my uv filter had come unscrewed. it wasn't the lens glass, just the filter glass, which was rattling around. phew! a quick twist and i was good to go (but now in possession of the coveted remote control. watch out!). a detour through safeway and i was on my way home with goodies and stew fixin's. the rest of the afternoon was very casual. i watched some tv i'd downloaded, did some dishes, listened to some wilco, yadda-yadda. when i saw the forecast included snow and freezing rain, i took a quick trip out to buy things i didn't really need: another bottom sheet for my bed (300 thread-count, sexy burgundy), ben & jerry's and edamame. by this time it wasn't even seven o'clock and since i was fairly sure i was in for the night i took the opportunity to get my laundry done before the sunday morning rush. now sunday was a complete waste. even though i did clean the oven, bathtub, toilet, made stew, did dishes, tidied the flat surfaces and take out the garbage it feels like i got nothing done. i read a lot of websites. i phoned my mom. i thought about having a nap, but didn't quite get there. i asked tall shane to come over, but he was being tempermental which is really for the best. i know the reason why he keeps asking to see my new place and it's not his love of architecture or home design, if you know what i mean. i'm already making plans for february. so far, i have three very cool things on my schedule and i'm looking forward to them all very much. i'm also considering going to the northern voice conference. when darren asked me if i was going, i replied "but i already know how to blog" which is true, but after looking at the schedule, i might be able to learn a thing or two. and, really, what's $20 and a safturday out with a bunch of internet movers and shakers? who knows, i might meet some net.celebrities! who's coming with me?

spoke too soon. the cough has taken over my life and is soon to have me banished from my desk and into a hermetically sealed room until i either get better or run out of oxygen, whichever comes first. you know, i wish i could think of all the cool things i've thought to write about when i'm actually here typing. instead, all i do is whine about being sick or busy at work or how much i wish i had a warm, stubbly boy in my big, bouncy bed to kiss my forehead and tell me i can go back to sleep because he called my boss and told him i'm too sick to go to work today. *sigh* ever since i got an email from someone asking if i'd do some photography for them i've been completely without inspiration. i've barely taken my camera out of its (newest and coolest) bag this year. i became immensely intimidated at the prospect of being responsible for actually producing good quality images for someone other than myself and any inclination i had to make photos has run for the hills, rather than face the challenge. how sad is that? all right, back to the coughing. oh, and yay for paydays!

my day of sleeping in, napping and cookie-making did the trick. i may still be coughing up stuff and sounding like a whiskey-drinking, pack-a-day-smoking grizzled barfly, but i sure do feel better. i might have to invest in a humidifier, though. this dry, cold weather combined with the newer, drier apartment is making sleeping kind of ouchy. i went through two tall glasses of water during the night just to keep my throat hydrated; but, i didn't have to blow my nose once, so that's an improvement. by the way, if you see a sudden increase in semi-colon use hereabouts you have kevin to blame. the overly-generous floridian we all know and love sent me three books from my wishlist for xmas: one of which being "eats, shoots & leaves: the zero tolerance approach to punctuation" by lynne truss. it is a lovely, humourous, quick book i'm going to have everyone i know read. DAMMIT! oh. my. god. i'm the worst friend ever. i just this second realized i'd forgotten heather's birthday. *sigh* i don't know why it is, but i can't ever seem to remember her birthday on time. i'm sorry, heather! oy. happy birthday!

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it's ten to six (yes, easteners: i said ten TO six) in the morning and i'm awake. i just left my supervisor a very froggy voicemail telling him i'm going to stay home today. then i spent ten minutes coughing up whatever green, chunky aliens have taken up residence in my lungs. fun! today will consist entirely of going back to bed, a hot bubble bath, going back to bed, soup and going back to bed. i really hope this self-tlc will finally rid me of whatever plague i'm afflicted with. i'm utterly sick of being sick.

if i had my druthers, i'd be in bed, blissfully unconscious of the fact i feel like i got run over with a certain black peterbilt belonging to a certain tall j-named boy from victoria. why the HELL did i think it would be a good idea to come to work? what a fucking moron i am. anyway, i felt human enough to head out of the house last night for a very late sushi spread with col, ritchie and his imaginary girlfriend, cheryl. as you can see, there was a LOT of food and, well, we definitely got our all-you-can-eat $19 dollar's worth. we'll definitely be going back, but i hope we pace ourselves better next time. just for fun (and because ritchie seems to think my blogging about him will cause a surge in his popularity), here's a little faux-film i like to call i'm gonna git you, sucka. teehee. okay, i'm going to go wish i were dead now. have a good day!

i woke up without a voice this morning. it's since come back, but it's a shadow of its former self. along with laryngitis, my entire body hurts, i'm dead tired and my nose won't stop dripping. but, i'm at work, like a good little trooper. if my voice hadn't come back, i would have stayed home. stupid voice! the worst part is that i have a hot sushi date with col and ritchie tonight and i really don't want to be snotgirl all over them. i guess i could sit on the other side of the restaurant and we could have a three-way cell phone conversation over dinner... okay, i'm off to be miserable and froggy. i hope your week has started off better.

BIG. BOUNCY. BED.

did you hear the one about the first snowfall of the season in vancouver? *bah dum pah* yes, boys & girls, it's snowing in lotusland. the busses are full of grumpy automotive commuters too tremulous to drive when there's white stuff falling from the sky. and yes, that includes me. i was out of the house by 6:11 a.m. and at work at 7:28. oh, yeah. i do love public transit! that's really all that's going to be talked about here for the next couple of days, i guess; and by here i don't mean just this site, although that's a good bet. i mean this city. we really don't know what to do when it gets all wintery here. PANIC! WATER FREEZES AND FALLS FROM THE SKY! TERROR! if i hadn't been so busy getting places this morning i would have taken a lot of really pretty snowy photos. i'll have more time on the way home. i'm really looking forward to making snowy photos. snow makes even the ugliest thing beautiful.

in regards to the world junior hockey championships: YAY CANADA! meg met some guy at the new year's party she wanted to set me up on a blind date with. i said no to the blind date, but told her to get him to show up at music bingo last night instead. well, we went down to the pub for dinner, watch the aforementioned hockey game and play bingo. he didn't show up. although, meghan did say she might not have recognized him if he did. i mean, she couldn't even remember if his name was kevin or scott! good thing i wasn't all that excited about meeting the short, bald, non-skinny (meg's troubled by my predilection for tall, skinny boys) law student or else i'd have been disappointed. although, i did smell good, just in case he did make an appearance. my work day started at six-thirty a.m. why would i begin work at such an ungodly hour, you ask? so i can leave at three to be home to await the delivery of my new bed, of course! there's usually a method to my madness. i'm surprised you don't realize that by now. silly reader!

at the pub, phil the rocker guy said something about my green cat eyes. strange, but i always thought my eyes were blue-ish. except when i cry. then they're definitely green. just ask morgan. so, i was all set to run out to buy a new bed frame from ikea to use with the less-than-a-year old queen size mattress i'm being given for FREE. but, as i was lollygagging about the house the dr. phil show came on and, well, it was all about getting your financial house in order and how money doesn't solve money problems and there are no sacred spenditures: nothing is exempt when it comes to helping to get one out of debt and financially secure. i realized that even though i would LOVE to have a new bed and even though the mattress is free, i can't really afford to spend $600 on a bed frame and new sheets at this time. i'm still paying off my baby and that last big car bill, among other things i dare not speak of. i took a deep breath and phoned my dad to tell him that even though i'd really like to take the mattress, i can't justify the expenditure at this time, and to please tell his ladyfriend thank you, but no thank you. this is where it got both weird and glorious. when he paused a moment, i thought his reply would be something along the lines of "i'm glad you're being responsible. i'll let her know you changed your mind." instead he responded with "what if i buy it for you?" if i was a fainter, i would have been on the floor. he basically told me to go out and buy my bed and new sheets and he didn't even give me a price range to work within. i was, and still am, flabberghasted. completely and utterly dumbstruck with gratitude. well, once i was done trying to talk him into buying something for himself for a change and i was convinced he was absolutely sure of his decision (like he ever says anything he doesn't mean. you'd think i'd know that by now), i put on some pants and drove straight out to ikea. i sat on all the different beds. i wiggled all the different beds. i lifted up mattresses and yanked at headboards. i read tags and tags and tags. when i was convinced i really wanted the bed i thought i wanted, i found myself a lady in yellow and blue to get me a list of pieces. then came the sheets. oh, god in heaven. my new sheets... cafe au lait coloured 100% cotton satin finish fitted sheet and a 100% cotton satin finish cream with light floral pattern duvet cover and matching pillowcases - with ribbon ties! i couldn't wait. as soon as i got home i ripped open the packages and washed them. so soft. so silky. they will look so beautiful on my new bed. i realize that stuff shouldn't make me so happy, but it does. i'm going to have such a pretty, grown up bed! once it's assembled and bedecked, i should have a bed party! a party for two, just like shania. ;)

i'm going to ikea to buy a bed(frame). the incredibles is truly incredible! 2005 is looking to be the year of the hook-up. i really need a haircut. can i have just one more day off? please? seems i'm incredibly insulting.

there are no answers for me right now.