February 2005 Archives

i spent the weekend doing one of two things: thinking about doing homework or doing homework. amazingly, thanks to my java GOD, ritchie, and a lot of diet pepsi, i am currently one nullpointerexception away from having a working program. i honestly had no confidence in my ability to get even this close to done, so you can understand my (restrained) glee, yes?

i've realized that i don't really give a crap about the course i'm taking, or the course i'm going to be taking next term. i'm only in it to finish what i started, which is admirable, but it's seriously affecting my work ethic in regards to homework, obviously.

life is so much easier to handle when you're well-rested. i slept a lot the last few nights and that's definitely helped to calm me down from the mini-breakdown i had at work on friday afternoon. i went into the back to take a look at what it is that needs to be accomplished this week and i had such overwhelming feelings of futility and frustration with how much everything has gotten fucked up that i started to cry, and spent the rest of the afternoon on the verge of tears any time anyone mentioned uniforms. which was often.

poor debbie, she's so upset that all of this is landing on me and i'm crying because of it. of all the things TAIP fucked up, this uniform clusterfuck is probably one of the worst. although, in her defense (yeah, i'm feeling generous today), it's been fucked around with so much since she left it's probably twice as bad as it was. i had everything sussed out and it would have worked just fine, but no... too many cooks. blah.

that's okay, though. thursday night my aussie friend Adrian and his girlfriend are coming to stay at my place. i'm so excited to see him again. i can't believe it's been almost ten years. crazy!

too. tired. to. breathe.

no time. training my relief floater this morning. oy. i barely know what i'm doing, how the hell can i train someone else?

my mid-term last night sucked. i don't get java. too many files, too many new's, too many getters and setters. thank god i'm going to get some personal instruction from ritchie tomorrow night. unfortunately, it's too late for my mid-term; but, it's just in time to help me with my big assignment.

on the way to work this morning, i very much wanted to stop my car on the middle of the bridge to take photos of the absolutely brilliant lavender sky with the juicy full moon just hovering above vancouver island. i really need to go scope out vantage points to get good, unobstructed shots of sunrises. one day, i will actually get out at dawn to capture the sun rising from the end of indian arm.

i need to stop waiting.

thanks for the support and advice yesterday. i know it's hard to tell what with the once-a-day nature of the blog, but by the time i'd written about my bloo weekend, i was already on the mend. whee, hessie-coaster!

currently, i'm completely stressed about my car. three years after i quit, my car has now taken up the smoking habit. there's some sort of oil leak and once the engine gets up to temperature and it's stopped at a light or something, smoke puffs up from underneath the hood. isn't that lovely? obviously, it's going through a lot of oil what with the burning, so i opened up the lid to add some the other week and found an actual puddle of oil on top of the engine. a little divot was entirely filled with 10w30. yeah. great. i don't know if it's related to the three different gaskets/seals which were replaced in november, but whatever it is, i really just want to ignore it. so i am. if i remember correctly oil isn't flammable in the traditional sense, so it's not like the engine will burst into flame or anything.

of course, that's not all which is wrong with my car. there's this ominous *thunk* every time the vehicle mass shifts forward (think: braking or going downhill). i think it's the rear strut. oh, and the rattling somewhere in the driver-side rear quarterpanel. and the fact i've lost 70km of mileage per tank since november. we can't forget the muffler which muffles nothing and the high-pitched vibration which comes from the right rear quadrant when i accelerate to highway speeds after the on-ramp.

what gets my goat is that repairs to solve these problems will cost more than the car is worth and they're all coming to a head right when i'm in the middle of grabbing my finances by the balls and declaring myself master of my money. i no longer have any credit cards and only so much cash on hand for unforseen expenditures. i'm not willing to blow my savings on the car. it's ridiculous. so, my decision about getting rid of my vehicle may be taken completely out of my hands. which, now that i think about it, is actually kind of liberating.

i overcame my oppressive funk and got myself out of the apartment sunday and over to mel's place for a delightful (if late: i'm still sorry!) brunch with her, her chris and her kitty, boots. on the way home, i kind of wished i'd taken the bus so i could have enjoyed more of the glorious weather we're having here of late. the city is so beautiful at this time of year. brilliant sunshine, clear, crisp skies, people out and about. *bliss*

on thursday last week, i got a very exciting email. Adrian, my aussie friend, let me know that he's in los angeles with his girl and they're hoping to make it up this way and did i want to meet up with them while they're in the neighbourhood? silly boy. i told him, absolutely, yes! and they must stay with me so they can get more than half a day of vancouver on their itinerary. i'm so thrilled. i love Adrian to pieces and, come august, it will have been ten years since i saw him last. we're definitely due for a visit. *glee* i'm so glad i now have all this room for guests! i could never had fit them in the old place.

it's been no secret i've been really... down lately. i don't know what's going on especially considering it comes at a time when i'm taking some serious control of aspects of my life which were utterly chaotic. maybe it's a backlash from that? maybe it's fear of the consequences of my recent actions causing me to regress and hermit and push people away?

i feel like it's time for lots and lots of change, but there's so much internal resistance, i procrastinate or i do self-destructive things even at the same time as i'm making positive steps towards a healthy future. god, why are we, as people, so fucking complicated? what's with our brains that they actually fight us when we're doing the right thing?

what i want:

you see everything you see every part
you see all my light and you love my dark
you dig everything of which i'm ashamed
there's not anything to which you can't relate
and you're still here
- 'everything', alanis morrisette

what i got:

i walk a lonely road
the only one that i have ever known
don't know where it goes
but it's home to me and i walk alone

i walk this empty street
on the boulevard of broken dreams
where the city sleeps
and i'm the only one and i walk alone
- 'boulevard of broken dreams', green day

uh...

there's a point in every woman's life where she needs to realize that she's too old to continue wearing that thin, black, liquid eyeliner. please, stop wearing the scary liquid line. it's going to frighten your grandchildren. seriously.

there's a point when celebrating your very large weight loss by wearing stretchy tights and showing off your fabulous new legs is enough and you need to go out and buy yourself some pants that don't cling so obsessively. those khakis are much more flattering.

please don't hit my ass with your shopping basket/purse/child while i'm waiting in the checkout line. yes, i'm impatient too, but that doesn't give me the right to shove at the person in front of me. it won't speed up the cashier any. and yes, i know my ass is big, but do you really need to remind me of that fact by jabbing at it repeatedly?

you know when you're looking forward to something a whole bunch and then you get some news and it looks like it will all be ruined and you feel that little thing inside you go *twang* with the disappointment? you really want to start saying things like "but.." or "you promised" or "goddammit, that fucking sucks" but instead you realize that it's totally not worth the effort of complaining or getting upset because, really, so what? you just can't decide if it's apathy or optimism which is fueling the indifference.

don't forget, if you live in the greater vancouver regional district (or are visiting from strange and foreign land such as, say, minnesota), the 4th official darren barefoot sanctioned blog meetup-like thing is this week.

when: thursday, february 17th 7pm and up
where: the whip, upstairs (map)

c'mon. you know you wanna!

i just recently realized, after seven months of living in my apartment, that, if i so chose, i could read in bed at night. i don't know why, but it just never occurred to me. in the bachelor, reading in bed meant having to get up out of the warm blanket entaglement to turn the light off and that's just unacceptable. once you're warm and comfy and your eyes are so very heavy from reading you can't get up. it goes against all that is right in the world. the ritual of bedtime reading is: read, get sleepy, stretch, close book, turn off light, curl up, sleep. i don't see "get out of bed" anywhere, do you?

of course, i haven't yet gotten a lamp for my bedroom. i hadn't figured out the bed-reading and just thought the overhead light would be sufficient for all my bedroom lighting needs. well, nope. wrong again. i need a bedroom lamp!

last night, i took my one lamp (an el cheapo clip lamp) from the "office" (i love calling it that) and attached it to my headboard to read a while last night while waiting for a dvd to burn. it was amazing! it made my sparse room of sleeping and dressing all pretty and less harsh. i curled up under the überblankie and on top of the sexxy sheets and read for over an hour (i'd only planned for half of that).

i guess i have a mission for this week: get a clippy lamp for the bedroom. i can't wait! i'm going to be a bed-reading fiend!

thank you, jimbo. bring me back a penguin!

i think there's a conspiracy to keep me off the internet. first the webhost problems, then the dns problems, now it's my cable inexplicably dying yesterday which means there's no internet (or tv) at my house. OY!

anyway, it was a completely uneventful and restful three days off. if i hadn't promised dean i'd work on his computer (and i didn't need food) i probably wouldn't have left the building at all. it was great! shane came over saturday night to visit and i realized that i'm completely unsmoochable, which isn't surprising, but nevertheless sad.

now i'm back at work and, well, yeah. that's about it.

okay, so i've gotten the new webhost set up and, as i've mentioned, it should be visible to everyone in the next couple of days. of course, since i was moving locations, i decided to upgrade to the latest and greatest version of moveable type while i was at it. i really wanted to take advantage of dynamic archiving (since part of the problems i had at my last host was from my rebuilding over two thousand archive pages when i made changes to the stuff on the sidebar) and future posting, which i just think is really cool. one of the problems with upgrading or reinstalling mt is that i lose all the small changes i've made to the code to make things work the way i like them. this upgrade also required that i upgrade mt-blacklist and both of the new applications have totally revamped their code since the last time i fiddled with hacks. therefore, now that i've figured out where to make these changes, i'm archiving them here on the blog and making them available to anyone who googles successfully. i couldn't find direct answers, so i hope this will help someone somewhere. first, is my version of the more meaningful comment notifications tweak: second, my version of the comment notification hack (comments you make on your own blog will no longer be emailed to you): these work for me in mt 3.15 and mt-blacklist 2.04b. no warranties expressed or implied, your mileage may vary and i take NO responsibility for the outcome. before you change anything, remember to save a copy of the original file. it's only common sense.

hey, did you hear about the one where the girl was having a really hard time with her website? yeah, it was stupid, but it's on the mend now. over the next couple of days everything should be visible again. i'm sorry for the troubles, but it was totally not my fault. honest!

in other news, i have the day off and i just slept until nine. mm, sleeping in is so very good. i'm having trouble getting coffee as the percolator is being a bitch, but it's all good. in fact, it may force me out the door earlier than i planned to go to one of the million coffee shops in my neighbourhood.

okay, the perk worked. mm, coffee.

this is a test.

if you pass, this will post soon.

you know, i can't think of anything worse than waking up with a headache. what do you think happened to me this morning? it's awful because it's making me forget all the good things which happened to me this weekend.

there were movies, there was a surprise birthday party, there was sleeping in, there was shopping, there was cleaning & laundry, there was a visit from dad, there was conversation with a favourite boy, there was lots of feeling very cute, there were naked shoulders out in public.

it's a short week for me this week. i booked friday off just in case. just in case what? well, there was a tentative being bounced around, so i though i'd both treat myself and open up some more time for said tentative. even if there's no hook-up, it'll still be very nice and decadent to be able to sleep in on friday.

oh, i found the cellophane bags for my cards! colene hooked me up and the very arty guy at the store showed me the glassy bag location. next time, i'm totally making col get them for me so i can abuse her employee discount, though. i gave one of the happy b-day cards to the surprise birthday girl and she was so impressed. it was almost embarrassing.

i've said it before and i'll say it again: i really need to date a massage therapy student. i've had the worst crick in my neck all week. ahh... some handsome, sensuous, good-smelling devil with hands which mould me like clay. wouldn't that be just dreamy?

tonight is a me-night. there will be laundry, housework, homework and, maybe, a little bit of crappy television catching-up. i was invited out, but if i don't catch up on my down-time before the rest of this weekend occurs, i won't be in very good shape come monday.

last night, i dreamt i drove to prior lake. i didn't even realize i'd driven there until i was standing outside jodi's apartment. i looked in the window and saw her cat, madison, on the moldy carpet and her and sister #2 on the fabulous red couch having a serious discussion about a douglas coupland book. i didn't want to disturb them, so i got back in my car (which is when i realized i'd driven there (and why hadn't i driven there before if it was a driveable distance?)) and then realized i could just go to jeremy's house! i woke up as i was trying to decide if i knew where i was going or had to call and get directions. bummer. could have used a good visit, even if it was only in a dream.

i haven't mentioned it in a while: i love my bed. and my camera. and i really need some intimate contact with another human being before i start turning psychotic.

sorry i dropped the ball on the valentines this year, guys. i thought about putting the word out a couple weeks back, but that was in the middle of my funk and stamps had just gone up in price and, really, how does one top hello kitty valentines anyway? maybe i'll put the word out for st. patrick's day cards. are there such things? hm. or, maybe i'll just send random cards made from some of my photos (not unlike the ones you see above).

yeah, about that. i finally set up my card store on cafepress. it's called nuttymuffin photography. there will, eventually be a website at nuttymuffin.com, a more branded design and much more to choose from in the way of products. if you have any favourite photos i've posted and would like to see them on any of the neat things cafepress makes, please let me know and i'll happily put them in the store. as an adjunct to the online store, i'll be making "hand-made" versions of cards as well. as soon as i find a supplier for cellophane envelopes, i might try to sell them at flea markets and such.

have a good friday, peeps!

even after a crappy day at work and then a crappy afterwork (wherein i stopped at metrotown to pick up my jeans only to find i'd left my wallet at work), i managed to get myself together and get across the harbour to meet up with jen, tanya, vern, ritchie, colene, gill and nelson for dinner at aqua riva. unfortunately, gill was sick and left before the appetizers arrived, which was a total bummer (dude) because i was very much looking forward to talking about cats. all. night. long.

the meal was beautiful and delicious. i don't often get out for fine dining in any sense of the phrase, so it was a real treat for me to go out to a restaurant that actually has a coat check and gives you TWO kinds of bread and spreads before your meal. the place was packed, but i scored the seat right by the window (sweet) so when they all started to bore me, i just watched the lights twinkle on the water.

of course, i'm kidding about that. the lights were glittering on the water. teehee.

i don't know, i'd love to relate to you all the fun and funny conversations we had, but i don't have that uncanny photographic memory for quoting people. the best i could do is paraphrase and, well, that never turns out well. besides, why try to reproduce such a great, lively, interesting evening out when we all have it in our memories? if you really wanted to share in it, you should have been there!

ritchie put up all the photos he we took with his adorable little camera. i think i like it, if only because it somehow made me look halfway decent (go canon go). although, i'm still not sure why colene wanted to lick my face.

p.s. my horoscope says:

Intimacy is the name of game now -- and you, of course, being the emotional, sensitive creature that you are -- won't mind a bit. Since you're so good at spoiling the ones you love, there's an excellent chance that you won't hear any arguments when you suggest to a certain someone that you two start the fun early. Especially since they've probably been waiting for you to make your move for some time now.

so, who's been waiting and why haven't you said anything?

p.p.s. i've decided on my designated crush for 2005. yay! new crush!

while driving home from class last night, i seriously considered getting rid of my car.

it's going to be thirteen this coming april and it's really starting to show its age. i haven't been that kind to it, really. i babied it quite obscenely when it was new and there was a hose and outlet so close to its parking spot, but when i moved back to the cruel city... well, you know, nothing gold can stay, as mr. frost wrote.

there are so many strange noises, smells and vibrations that i don't trust the car's safety any longer. i quite honestly expect the thing to burst into flames or an axle to fall off. it's come down to deciding whether it is worth the, probably close to, $3000 in repairs to ensure another five years of trouble-free driving. while that amount is certainly less than the cost of a new car, or even a new, used car, it is just too much for me to spend on a car whose black book value hovers around $1000.

so, on this drive home, i did some quick mental math and discovered that right off the bat, not driving my car will save me $2300 per year. that's just taking insurance and fuel into consideration. if i totalled up the amount of money i've spent on repairs in the last five years... no, that wouldn't be a good idea. i'd rather live in ignorant bliss, thanks.

i don't need a car. i get transportation through work. i also now live in a neighbourhood where i can satisfy almost all my retail needs simply by walking a couple of blocks. if i had to buy large, heavy items, i know that my dad, or even meghan, would be willing to help me transport things. even then, there are such things as taxies and rental cars. there are thousands of people who don't have vehicles of their own and they don't seem to be suffering all that much.

so why does the thought of no longer having a car freak me out so much?

the other alternative is to keep the car, but change the insurance to pleasure only. that way i still have it for personal use and it wouldn't be subjected the the daily commute and that would, hopefully, prolong its life by a few more years. but, there's still the matter of repairs. will having it sit idle for days at a time cause more trouble or will it benefit from the rest? it's not like the car is a self-repairing entity like the human body. a week off won't heal its strained struts or creaky cylinders.

then there's the time issue. my work day is 7:30-4:00. right now, if i leave home by seven, i'm almost guaranteed an on-time start and it's rare that i get home any later than 4:30. if i were to rely on public transportation to get to and from work those hours are magically transformed to 6:00-5:30. that's an extra two hours every day i'll be spending travelling. up until now i've justified driving to work by saying my time was worth more than those two hours. now? i'm not so sure anymore.

there are benefits to taking transit. i could catch up on my reading. i'd see more interesting things to take photos of. i'd get exercise. who knows, i might even meet new people! but, i'd have to get up at five a.m. five days a week. oy.

what's a girl to do?

i need suggestions.

if you could ask me any three questions, what would they be? alternatively (or additionally), what are the three things you're most curious about me? please ask them in the comments and they shall become my new about page.

additionally, if you cared about this site's colophon, what would you like to see in it?