March 2005 Archives

i've been collecting things to write about, but i haven't actually made a note of them anywhere physical or digital. this is dangerous because then these random "blog thoughts" pop into my head during the day or night and i fear that these wonderful, witty, insightful gems will disappear into the ether like most of my unspoken deep thoughts. *cough*

let's see... did you know that $100 only buys three bras? you shouldn't bake cookies while on the phone: some will be over-done, others will be under-done. don't let boy trouble inspire you to eat pizza & drink lots of vodka or your new jeans won't fit anymore. jeremy is evil and has planted seeds of ibooks in my head. i am so so so excited to go to victoria i have no words. the right side of my bed has started squeaking; instead of fixing it, i'm sleeping on the left side. a little bit of cheese makes a sandwich good.

back in august (which is pretty much a lifetime ago), i asked y'all to go vote for my photo to be on a jones soda label. i don't know if you did, but someone at jones liked it and NOW MY PHOTO IS ON A SODA BOTTLE LABEL! ohmygodohmygod. i'd actually forgotten that i'd submitted a photo, it'd been so long. then to receive a letter and six labels in the mail yesterday just made me crazy with joy. yay! i'm thrilled!

last night was my final java class. woo! it's looking like if i pass the final, i should be able to just pass the course. to be on the safe side, i'm aiming for a solid 70% on the exam, just to pad my margins a little. unfortunately, i won't see my school buddies again this term because i'll be in victoria when they write the final. boo. i really enjoy having friends to chat and commisserate with through a course.

in other school-related news, i've decided that i'm not taking my last course next term, but waiting until september. i'm just not into the school thing and i think it'd be better if i take some time off and concentrate on some more creative learning.

this morning i'm still revelling in a very sensual dream i had right before i woke up. in it, this boy i know and enjoy laid me down onto his bed, cupped my chin in his large paw and proceeded to kiss me in a manner which i didn't know i could be kissed. it was so intense and arousing... *shakes it off* yeah, dreams are good.

kinda bloo, but not really. kinda excited, but not really. kinda disappointed, but not really. kinda sexy, but not really. kinda good, but not really. kinda smart, but not really. kinda pretty, but not really. kinda special, but not really. kinda angry, but not really. kinda lazy, but not really. kinda talented, but not really. kinda sleepy, but not really. kinda miserable, but not really.

you know, i could get used to four-day weekends. even after going into work yesterday (yes, on easter sunday), i find myself in a great place. the apartment is clean and tidy, i've a short work week ahead of me and then a week off to look forward to. i'm not even stressing about school crap (since there's no point in stressing anymore).

today, i'm going to do a little bit of laundry and go bra-shopping. i know, i'm way too exciting for words. how was your weekend?

congratulations, bruce! you're the author of the 10,000th comment!

it's 8:45 and i just got out of bed. i'm sitting here in my underpants, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, waiting for the kettle to boil and bring me some coffee. unfortunately, the kettle hasn't actually been trained to bring me coffee, but i'm half asleep. i'm allowed to dream.

i spent some post-vodka time last night reading old logs. i used to be a huge hoarder of logs. i'd log anything. i kept all my mail: email, snail mail, talker mail. if i could log it, i would. it proved useful occassionally. mostly, it was just a way to feel like i wouldn't forget anything that happened. that there was actually some record somewhere of the nice (or nasty) things people said to me.

unfortuntely, i started reading old morgan logs last night. a combination of boy trouble, having a brief email correspondence with paul-from-the-past and posting that photo of him yesterday got me curious. what was it that i saw in him? what the hell did he see in me? it was kind of nice to see so many declarations of unflagging love. then i skipped to the end and saw all the hateful, angry words he threw at me across cyberspace...

it doesn't upset me to read, exactly. mostly, it makes me feel old and tired and very, very sad. both for him and myself. i didn't do things right by him, i freely admit that. i didn't know how to say "i like you, enjoy spending time with you, but there's just not that something i need to make it serious, permanent."

that's what annoys me so much about people and emotion. why is it that one person can feel so much for someone yet not have it returned? isn't that just cruel? you shouldn't be attracted to people who aren't attracted to you right back. it would solve so many headaches! well, at least mine.

confession: i was actually working on two crushes.

both are boys i've known for a long time. one is someone i'd never really considered crushing on for many reasons, mostly because i just hadn't spent that much time talking to him and didn't really know if there was that possibility. the other is a return crushee. he's the person with which i feel completely myself. there's no pretension or worries about what he's thinking when we hang. it's so nice and casual, that's probably why whenever we do hang i spend the wake bobbing in choppy emotional water.

neither of them are going to amount to anything, i'm sure. they're just current examples of my being attracted to boys who don't quite like me back enough to take that extra step past casual whatever to "gotta see you again or i might explode".

sorry, i didn't mean this to turn into a woe is me post. it's just a dump of all the things i've been thinking this week. it's better out than in, my mom always said.

"You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them."

"There are people who can love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it."

yeah, i got nothin'.

my supervisor is away today. i'm more interested in going back home and crawling into my freshly laundered bed and staying there for the remainder of my four-day weekend with a smoochable boy bringing me books, vodka and pizza than working.

wade chose today's photo. i haven't been shooting in so long there's nothing new for me to post. i really need to go outside.

oh, btw, happy easter.

okay, i'm over the crush.

well, not really, but i've decided i really don't enjoy being that crazed when there's little hope of reciprocation or consumation. i don't want to be that stupid, gushing, needy, annoying girl who's fawning ridiculously over some guy, trying desperately to get him to give her just an inkling that she's the least bit important to him. it's a waste of energy and it's really bad for my self-confidence.

therefore, i'm shutting down all the daydreams and fantasies. i'm no longer waiting for a phone call or a message. i'm not talking about, thinking about or making plans. done.

yeah, i know. that'll last five minutes. at least i tried.

i'm crushing really hard and i'm trying not to get too worked up, but i'm failing and it means all those anxious, yearning feelings and the blank walls and empty spaces of my apartment feel blanker and emptier while all i want to do is have them crawl into my bed with me at night and hold me until i fall asleep or come up behind me and kiss my neck or phone and leave me a goddamn voicemail just because they wanted to hear my voice while i was away at work.

spring sucks.

no matter how much you want to, don't take anything a drunk person says to heart.

in other news, we're very near the 10,000th comment on this here blog. i've decided that the 10,000th commenter shall get a set of 4 greeting cards made from their choice of any of the photos i've posted on the site. so comment away! you could get free stuff!

(315kb)

i am in a supremely foul mood. i'm just WAITING for someone to get in my way so i can fucking tear into them. oh. my. god. i just want to let LOOSE and unload all my darkness.

*growl*

update: i got to snap at someone. i feel much better now.

seems i'm doing everything possible to avoid yucky tasks. i'm far too preoccupied with other things. i want to run away (i just need a place to run to).

save me.

i'm ready to give up. i'm so overwhelmed with my current class, i just don't know if i can make it to the end. while i'd love to wholly blame my instructor for my troubles, he can only get half the blame. the other half is split between my procrastination and my inate troubles understanding object-oriented programming. my brain doesn't work like that. i like top-down, structured, procedural programming. classes fuck me the hell up.

that being said, i honestly believe that if my instructor was even a half-better teacher that i'd have less difficulty. i missed a class two weeks ago because i was so exhausted and worn out from the day that going to class seemed as insurmountable as climbing kilimanjaro and reading his notes only confused me more. i learned more in one evening with ritchie than i did in six weeks of class. if i hadn't had that night with my java guru i wouldn't have had any idea what he was talking about last night when he finally got to collections. this man can't explain his way out of a paper bag!

ARGH!

on top of that, we have three assignments due in three weeks, on top of the labs which are more like assignments themselves AND i'm going to be in victoria the week of the final exam because classes got bumped because of the BCGEU labour dispute so i either have to: wait three weeks to write the final (which means getting an incomplete in the course, which will be amended later), come back early from victoria to write it (which just plain sucks) or get a fourth assignment to do and hand in after i return (which also means an incomplete AND the bother of having to figure out another of his crappy assignments).

in addition to all that, i'm seriously considering waiting until september to take my last course because i just can't bear the idea of getting another crappy instructor and having to live through twelve more weeks of a course i don't care about just because i want to finish what i've started and get that useless associate certificate.

oy.

well, if you're looking for me over the next two weeks, i'll be the one doing java homework. no more fun for me. bastards.

this morning i asked wade to come live with me for spring.

i told him he could be my springtime boyfriend. we'd enjoy long walks, long talks, long makeout sessions. basically do all the things you're supposed to do during spring. at the end of the season he could go back home and return to his life in edmonton and we'd both have these great memories to hold dear.

of course, i totally ripped off the idea from that movie with keanu and charlize, but what's wrong with it? why can't we have really intense, short term relationships that last only a season or two and then move on to a new experience?

unfortunately, no one is going to uproot their lives like that to get the full benefit of such an arrangement. you'd have to really devote yourself to being there with the other person one-hundred percent of the time. otherwise, it's just any old relationship with distractions and diversions.

that being said, my bed is really big and i'd make a really great seasonal girlfriend. it's just enough time to be dazzled by my sparkliness, but not long enough to get really annoyed by my glitches. c'mon, who wants to move in for a season?

best. weekend. ever.

i don't do anything in moderation. when i find something new that i like, i want to do it ALL the time.

if i find some new food i like, i want to eat it for every meal until i get sick of it. if i find a new band i like, i listen to them on repeat for weeks. if i find a new show i like, i want to watch it every day. if i find a new book i love, i'll forgo everything to read it as fast as i can. if i find a person i like, i'll want to spend all my time talking to or being with them.

i've never really considered this aspect of my personality too closely. i know that people think i'm kind of weird, but hey, we're all kind of weird. some people are just better at hiding it. i was thinking about this obsessive piece of me because i've recently found a couple of people i want to talk to ALL the time and i'm trying really hard to trottle back on the impulse to be overbearing in my desire to see them. i think i'm doing okay on one front, but i know i'm not on the other.

of course, this all goes doubly-, and possibly triply-, so for kissing.

i'm seriously considering discontinuing my rss feeds because, and it's proven, that when people read sites in newsreaders, they DON'T FUCKING LEAVE COMMENTS! grr.

leave comments. comments make me happy.

there's no thinking about it, now: i'm sick. thank god for my humidifier, though. i'd hate to imagine how i'd have woken up without it. it's still going to be a long day, though.

went downtown to meet karen for dinner (fish & chips at the lennox) and a movie (hitch) last night. i can't believe i haven't seen her since the beginning of january! i'm a bad person.

it must be spring, because i've had sex on the brain all stupid week long. anybody want to come over and make out?

there could be something wrong with how excited i am about being able to go straight home tonight, get into my pjs, do as much or as little as i care to and go to bed as early at 8:30 if i'm so inclined.

there is a very thin line between sensual and sleezy. i feel sorry for those people who will never learn where it is.

no, really, does anyone want to come over and smooch for a couple of hours?

i love daffodils.

you know what makes me unreasonably happy? coming home to find a voicemail message from someone left only because they wanted me to have someone saying "welcome home" at the end of a hard day.

now, about that kissing...

amendment: jeremy points out that i invited kissing immediately after stating i'm diseased. it's not a gross kind of sick, just a low-level stuffy head, weary, body ache sick. and, really, once symptoms present, you're not contagious any longer, so c'mon... bring on the kissing!

the other day at work a guy checked out my butt. i actually caught him craning his neck to see my ass. the weirdest part is that you really don't have to try to check my butt, it pretty much engulfs your entire field of vision. hell, it almost enters a room before i do, even when i'm walking in face-front. i just found it interesting that someone would make an effort for a peek. weird.

work is pissing me off. i don't give a shit about class. i think i'm catching a cold. i haven't had enough proper sleep in over a week (which is at the root of all my crankiness, i think). i need to recharge, but that's not looking like it's going to happen this week. i've plans with karen tonight, will probably be working late thursday, friday and half of saturday, and then i'm going out with m&m(&d) for the first time in months.

it's not that i'm not having fun seeing all these people and going away or out or even working hard, but i know myself well enough to have to find some serious quality alone time so i can settle back down again or things will only get more overwhelming and i've been feeling far too good lately to jeopardize that.

remember the good ol' days when you'd meet someone online and then you'd move to the next big step of talking on the phone? you'd be all nervous waiting for the phone to ring, practicing your hello or your laugh, hoping that other person wouldn't think you sounded like a moron. when the phone finally rang and you started that conversation, if you were lucky, you'd totally hit it off and the call would last for hours.

yeah, i'd totally forgotten about that. it's kind of a rush.

i'd also totally forgotten what it means to try to wake up the next day after being on the phone until one a.m. laughing and yakking. that's not a rush. that's nasty bad.

there's so much to say, yet i don't know where to start or how much i want to share.

seeing Adrian again was as good as i hoped and better than i expected. it's been very near ten years since we last met and, for me, it was a much better experience this time around. not that the first time was bad, it was as good as could be expected considering we were practically strangers and i had even fewer social skills than i have now. this time, we chatted effortlessly and it was all-around a more easy experience. at least for me.

Diane, Adrian's girlfriend and travel-mate, is an amazing woman. brilliant, funny, adorable, so sweet... i'm so glad i got the opportunity to meet her. i'm not even buttering her up because she said my place was really clean and she couldn't stop saying complementary things about my website.

inspired by my lovely, interesting, fun, kind and world-wandering houseguests, i packed up a backpack and headed over to victoria for the weekend. i've been avoiding invitations to stare at jason's fishes for months, but for whatever reason, this time was different.

Adrian and Di dropped me off at the ferry on their way back to amerika and set off on my island adventure. i was very early, so i took some photos, read some of my book and shared kindness with strangers. you know, those terminals and boats going to victoria are way nicer than the boats that go to nanaimo. i've been totally missing out all these years.

jason picked me up on the other side. he showed me his awesome apartment in the forest and introduced me to all of his fishes. we drove to james bay where i made him take me to have something delicious and hot made for me by my very favourite jim, whose face i had never before seen move. it was very exciting. i may even have had tremulous hands. after caffeinating ourselves, jay and i had a tourist driving tour of downtown, where i remembered that i'm actually very fond of victoria and i wondered why it is i hardly ever go there.

groceries were purchased, movies were rented and then it was back to the forest for an evening of vodka, talking, edward norton and fish-staring.

the way home was probably the best part. you see, jason drives trucks. big trucks. semi-trailer towing trucks. he had to head over the pond to make his way up into the middle of the province to pick up some apples today, so he brought me back in his big, semi-towing truck. his truck with a bed in the back, for pete's sake. a bed! i hid in the back when we got to the ferry. i stole a ride on a ferry! then, instead of going upstairs to enjoy the many amenities provided for our benefit, we hung out in the back of the truck watching jersey girl on his laptop. now that's the way to travel. BYOB: bring your own bed.

i was so residually excited about the truck ride i didn't even mind that he dropped me off at one of the scariest skytrain stations there is for me to make it the rest of the way home. that actually turned out really well, because of who i met on my bus: davin! it almost made me forget about the drunk guy with the ten-speed puking on the seabus right across the aisle from me. almost.

i'm utterly exhausted physically. i'd love nothing better than to go straight to my freshly laundered bed right this very second and stay there until monday morning. but, there are two reasons why i won't. one, is that Adrian and Diane are coming tonight! he just called from the car and they're no more than half an hour from being my first ever non-related-to-me or non-smooched-upon houseguests! i really hope they don't think my place is gross or scary. that'd suck.

the second reason is in the photo. all week, my sleep has been restless and tedious thanks to the incessant uniform dreams. on monday it was a double-whammy: i dreamt of ARRAYS OF UNIFORMS! oy. they're also why i'm physically exhausted. i'm a clerk. i'm not used to being on my feet all day. bending over boxes. lugging uniforms. running back and forth and up and down. my feet... oh, my poor feet. then there's my back.

amazingly, though, through all this, i've been really okay. there's some situational stress, and there's the annoying dreams, but i'm not that stressed about the process in general. i'm making the best of a really craptastic situation and my supervisor and manager know that if i weren't there it would be a colossal clusterfuck (even more than it already is, if you could imagine) so they're really grateful and willing, FINALLY, to give me some of the things i need to get the work done.

anyway, enough about. i've an aussie on his way over! how bloody cool is that, mate?