December 2005 Archives

no, i'm not dead. although, for the past four days i've been feeling like i'd rather be. for xmas, santa brought me a cold. a cold which has been running roughshod over my body. i might have been better if i hadn't been some form of loyal idiot and went to work yesterday. today, i know better. after waking every hour on the hour to cough up a piece of lung, i finally phoned my boss's boss at 5:45 to tell him i was staying home. i still feel horrible guilt, but at least i know i'm taking care of myself. there was soup and a mandarin orange. soon, there will be a long, hot bath and a nap.

my holiday weekend was quiet and fairly uneventful. a trip to the island, seeing the cousins after a year, too much food, the chronicles of narnia, and a boxing day shopping debacle. i wasn't expecting gifts, but i still managed to get entirely spoiled. mom got me lots of little things i like and need, then meghan blindsided me with the 50mm lens i've been coveting for over half a year (now don't i feel like crap for getting her a dinky gift. ugh).

sleep hasn't been very good to me the past few weeks. first the lack due to too much socializing and an early work start. then the uncomfortable spare bed at the maternal unit's. finally, the lack of breathing due to disease. seems whenever my sleep gets choppy, my dreams get funky. xmas eve night, i dreamt of morgan. all night. i was so happy to see him, i literally ran into his arms. when i woke the following morning, still emotional over the fantasy reunion, i tried to track down the reason fof the timing of the thoughts. then i realized: his birthday was the 24th. the next night, i dreamt of rick and a disapproving mark & meghan. maybe it's the holidays bringing past lovers into my nocturnal thoughts. all i know is that i'll be very glad when i can again sleep through the night and awake oblivious to my dreams.

i'm in the middle of trying to re-frame my life. i'm feeling the need to change some things. to work harder at work. to spend more time in creative endeavours instead of parked on the futon, watching tv. to go outside. to read more. to listen to more music (which reminds me, i really have to buy my jeff tweedy ticket today). to take more photos. to spend more time with the people i enjoy and less with those i don't. it's not so easy to change habits you've had since your first memory. i don't know if i'll succeed. i don't know if i want to even say that i'm attempting it. seems like i'm tempting failure that way. i guess we'll see. just like everything else...

i'm getting spoiled this xmas and i don't feel very deserving of it. i received two new cds in the mail, i was gifted with a flickr pro account and my bank account got plumped up just to name a few things. *sigh* i'm really lucky and beyond grateful. i can't say "thank you" enough. i want to hug the stuffin' out of these amazing people in my life.

there's still not enough sleep (there never is). there's still baking to be done. there's an apartment in complete and utter chaos (and i'm not even exaggerating this time). there's laundry & packing to do. there's lots of neck and back pain and no time for massage. there's plans to pub on friday night and travel saturday morning (oh, the hangover). then there's still all the work to be done at work (and every day has felt like friday -- ugh).

the upcoming two and a fraction days on the island should be good as long as i don't think about the things i could be doing if i were over on this side of the water. i've made a couple decisions this week which will hopefully start my new year off on the right foot. i guess you could call them pre-resolutions, but i figured i might have more luck making them stick if i got them started in 2005. oh, the tricks we play on ourselves!

after the pot with the oil on the stove caught fire and the full bottle of diet pepsi rocketed itself off the coffee table onto the livingroom floor, i wondered why i even tried to get out of bed yesterday.

today isn't looking much better.

but, today is the day serenity comes out on dvd and i'm going to get myself a copy. yes. yes, i am. seeing it three times in the theatre just isn't enough for this fangirl.

point form because i'm both really lazy and quite busy:

- the baking, she has been done.
- between 9:30pm friday and 6:55am monday, i did not exit my apartment.
- pizza hut's new sicilian pizza is greasy, but quite good.
- dante called last night.
- i received my first-ever parking ticket friday afternoon.
- drunken men in their fifties seem to be drawn to kissing me at the pub.
- i found the dvd-by-mail i'd reported as lost in transit under a pile of stuff on my desk. oops!
- i performed surgery on my video card, replacing the moaning fan. now i can use the big computer again. yay!
- friday night, aaron douglas of battlestar galactica was at my pub, sitting not a dozen feet from me. by the time i worked up the courage to send him a drink, he'd left. ohwell.
- one more thing: who wants to go see jeff tweedy with me at the commodore on january 31st?

yeah, i know. i'm a broken record:

"i'm SO tired."
"i have SO much to do."
"i SO don't feel xmassy."
"i STILL haven't baked anything."

i can't help it if they're true.

i made chili for our potluck (which might suck, since i never got a chance to taste it). i wore a skirt to colene's work party (which didn't suck at all). i'm wearing one of my two holiday-themed old navy shirts (suckless). i don't have any plans tonight, so i can go to bed early and hopefully catch up on some sleep (score!).

backstory: one of my co-workers is a certified fitness instructor. she uses the fitness room here at work to have different classes twice a week, which is where i go to pilates. i started going last year, so when we had a little lunch last december to thank her for offering these classes to us, i didn't know that the girls exchanged gifts as part of the tradition.

fast-forward to yesterday: it was the day of our little fitness gratitude lunch and we were all safely hid away in a conference room upstairs, eating some freaking amazing greek food brought in, when, much to my horror, out came the gifts. HOLY FREAKING GOD IN HEAVEN. i'd completely forgotten about the gifts. i felt awful. i still feel awful. if nothing else, just the fact that i have to give these women something will get me baking this weekend. they're all small tokens, nothing elaborate at all, but i feel like such a schmuck for forgetting. i'm thinking some ginger cookies and maybe a photocard. hey, when in doubt, make it yourself, right?

too much to do and not enough time to do it! i think i'm going to have to leave work early today just to fit it all in. god, i really hate being this busy. HATE it. i like doing stuff, but i don't like overlapping stuff or stuff every. bloody. day. plus, i'm only three days into this week and i'm at least four hours short of sleep. ugh. i can't wait until saturday when i can just sleep all day.

amazingly enough, i did manage to make peppermint bark before jamie came over last night. he wanted to go to the pub for chips'n'fish, so we did. luckily, i'd forgotten that it was tuesday and therefore music bingo night (which jamie won, dammit)! m&m where there, which was awesome since i didn't think i'd be able to see them at all this week.

jamie and meg got a chance to chat a little more, which for me was both very cool and kind of nerve-wracking as i'm always concerned that my different groups of friends won't get along with each other (as evidenced by the m&m vs. jason debacle), but i really shouldn't have worried with those two. all in all, it was a pretty great night.

tonight, i'm going to colene's work party. excepting the fact i also have to make chili when i get home for tomorrow's potluck, i'm kind of stressed about it. i don't know any of her co-workers, i still don't know where it is or how formal these people are and, dammit, i haven't had time to iron anything! STRESSFREAKOUTALERT! hence the leaving work early tonight. maybe just an hour to give me a little more breathing room.

*pant*

so, was i lying about the superhawt glasses? i totally don't think so. feel free to lavish me with attention, propositions and gifts. especially the gifts. ;)

i'm not afraid of death; i'm afraid of the dying.

i've been trying to figure out why i'm so damn lazy lately. i haven't even pretended to consider putting up anything xmassy at home. i haven't done a lick of baking. i have barely managed to tidy up the apartment and get laundry & dishes done.

the holidays are usually really big for me. i'm all about the decorations, the carols, the baking, the tv specials, the cards. this year... not so much. not at all, really, and i want to know why.

is it because i'm not as lonely as i usually am? maybe having new friends to spend time with has been a substitute for excessive holiday excitement? maybe it's the recent work stress manifesting itself as after-hours apathy? maybe i just want to spend more time in my bed staring at my beautiful new curtains?

i have two weeks to until xmas. this one is filled to the brim with holiday events: three work lunches in a row & two evening engagements. in between them all, i want to have dinner with jamie and, yes, get some damn baking done. i'm hoping tonight's the night to break that particular ice. wish me luck.

p.s. dante didn't phone last night like he said he would. i don't think i'm upset about it, but i could be wrong. until given reason to think otherwise, he is now relegated to the position of "pub boyfriend", which has absolutely no relevance to my life away from the barstool. and that's okay.

three things:

1. dante asked me to be his date on new year's.
2. he kissed me. three times.
3. i'm going to invite him over to watch clerks and see if he's as appealing away from the beer.

honestly, i'm just thrilled with the possibility of a kiss at midnight on new year's. everything beyond that is gravy.

work was crazy productive today, but the odd hours have messed up my internal clock. so, i'm going to watch grosse pointe blank until i can't stay awake any longer.

have i mentioned my new glasses, besides making everything so nice and big and clear, make me look SO DAMN GOOD. holy crap. i've never been as gorgeous as i am when i wear them. i may never take them off!

it's friday. but, not really. it's more like thursday because i have to work tomorrow. it's not really as bad as it may seem since it means three things to me:

1. i have a whole day WITHOUT INTERRUPTIONS to get things accomplished.
2. i'll get a day off in lieu.
3. i'll get an extra day's pay.

so what if it means i can't go out and get polluted at the pub (and possibly see dante) tonight? oh, i'm still going out. i just won't be getting polluted.

ooh! i just got the phone call! my spanky new glasses are ready! yay!

up too late at music bingo, tired today.

boys + alcohol = wandering hands/sloppy kisses.

work + ass = kicked.

the hair needs to be cut.

there are no pants to wear to work tomorrow.

where are my new glasses?

dante hasn't phoned.

my camera misses daylight.

work is killing me. dead. killing me dead. dying. ugh. *gasp*

*sputter*

tonight boasts a 90% chance of music bingo at the pub. this will serve to resurrect me.

if there is no music, no bingo and no pub, then i guess i'll have to hope that baking mint chocolate chip cookies will bring me back to life.

hope for the pub, though. i need beer.

so... dante specifically requested my presence at the pub on saturday afternoon. since my baking supply shopping trip was aborted due to everyone in the free world being at the store i decided to oblige. four hours later, i took off to retry the ingredient procurement, and four hours after that he phoned me at home (waking me up).

i think this means he likes me. boys? feel free to weigh in.

otherwise, i went to the eye doctor on friday afternoon where i found out my left-eye blurriness after photographing is normal because i squint in such a manner as to squish my eyeball out of shape, so it can't focus until it unsquishes. who knew? i'm mostly excited to know i don't have any eye diseases, but i really can't wait to get my new glasses some time this week. holy crap are they spanky. my hotness quotient will seriously rise when i get them on my face.

i hope.

oh my god! did you know that there's this incredible network of trains and busses all over this city moving people ALL DAY LONG? it's incredible! all you do is get on one of these vehicles, sit and some time later you arrive at your destination! it's amazing! whoever thought of that is a freaking genius!

yeah, okay. i took transit work today. the roads were questionable due to icy conditions so i decided not to even bother risking the stress involved with driving. 75 minutes later, i walked into the office. not bad, really.

while that first bit is pretty over the top, there really is a part of me which finds the whole transit system rather amazing. i'm like a wide-eyed child when i take the transit to work. i'm looking at everything and enthralled by the whole experience, mostly because i hardly ever do it.

the only wrinkle is the going home tonight. i wanted to go shopping on my way home, to pick up all my baking supplies. now i'll get home just in time to head over to my optometrist and get my pupils dilated. who wants to take me to the pub after that? did you know that dilated pupils and alcohol make for fun visual effects?

maybe it's just because i need more sleep. maybe it's because of all the work stress going on lately. maybe it's because it's the first of december and i don't know where this year has gone. maybe it's because it's always dark when i get home. maybe it's because i'm just plain moody.

whatever the reason, i feel really delicate today. like i need to be treated gently, to be sheltered, to be held close and protected by someone who loves me.

i could go on, but really, it's all been said before.