June 2006 Archives

I'M ON VACATION!

last night, for the first time in what feels like months, i went straight home from work. no stopping off at christopher's. no shopping. no rushing to change before going out anywhere with anyone. just home. it felt weird, but good. probably just because of the funk i'm smack in the middle of, but being home alone, watching a movie, eating some dinner, having a bubble-bath, screwing around on the computer and being in bed by nine-thirty made me feel so good and calm.

i have not been calm.

this whole waiting to see if i'm going to have another attack is driving me crazy. i KNOW i'm probably fine and i'm DOING everything i need to make myself more fine but anytime i feel anything odd in my body i start to worry and obsess and cause myself all sorts of stress.

part of me feels like i need a good cry, but even at the end of the movie i watched last night, i couldn't even get one going. the other week when i was all worked up and sad and mad i started to bawl but then it just abruptly stopped. i just can't seem to get it out, whatever "it" is.

while driving somewhere the other day, i had a fantasy that i should quit my job, pack up my stuff and go work up north in one of those ridiculously overpaid jobs no one wants to do because who wants to live up north anyway. i could work there for a year, make tons of money i couldn't spend because there's nothing to do, pay off bills and then come back and start again. i don't think i've ever experienced such an overwhelming urge to run away as i have the last couple of months.

what am i trying to get away from?

p.s. i would love a piece of watermelon right about now.

blah. birthday in a week. blah blah. craving frozen yogurt. blah. still don't feel great. blah. vacation starts in two days and 2.5 work hours. blah blah. it's hot. blah! the quick trip to ontario is bracketed by 5 hours of flying and 11 hours of driving -- EACH WAY. blah blah blah. feel like hiding from people. blah. rediscovering vegetables is yummy. blah blah. christopher got me the coveted jellyfish pooh yesterday -- he's so awesome. blah. six rolls of film to scan. blah blah. need a hug. blah.

my bloodwork came back top-notch. looking only at those numbers, i'm the picture of health. my iron could be higher, but otherwise people try really hard to have such good values. so, now i have to go get my heart electrocuted (okay, not really, just an ECG) and i have an appointment with the visiting neurologist -- in september. gotta love socialized healthcare!

now i try to figure out if it's all just psychological. there is the possibility it's an anxiety disorder manifesting, but there's no history of that for me, so i'd like to think that's the long shot.

you know, for someone who hates going to the doctor so much, i sure am seeing a lot of them lately. oh well. i guess it's smart to do the things you need to do in order to take care of yourself. even if you really, really, really don't like them.

p.s. we found a restaurant with the best butter chicken in the universe yesterday. it's so good it's like sex in your mouth, as christopher described it. seriously, it is the most amazing thing i have ever eaten. ever. and it's only a block from my house. heaven.

i am suddenly overcome with the urgent desire to be 4 - 6 inches taller than i am.

weird.

i'm a walking hormone today. maybe it's spring fever making damn sure i know that it's not summer yet, bitch. whatever it is, i've gone quite squirrely and lost any motivation to get anything other than *that* done.

ugh.

tonight, i'm going to play music bingo with jamie at the pub, where i hope to also see meghan for the first time in about a month. it really bugs me that if i don't go down there i never get to see her any more.

thirteen days until my natal anniversary and a couple more after that until i leave on a jet plane... yay! but, even with all that goodness, part of me really just wants to curl up on the futon and watch movies for a week. i guess the artist formerly (?) known as prince was right in 'when doves cry'... "she's never satisfied."

Q: What’s the last text message on your mobile say?
A: "that is exactly what i think! mark has 6 oilers left so it's okay if he beats us. i just loose [sic] bragging rights!"

Q: Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
A: mine.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: black.

Q: What was the most recent movie that you watched?
A: theatre movie: tristan & isolde. dvd movie: kiki's delivery service. downloaded movie: aeon flux.

Q: Name one thing that you do everyday:
A: talk to christopher.

seven out of twelve isn't so bad, i guess. then again, i added about a zillion other things to the list this morning and managed to get most of them done.

things got a little side-tracked by a return of the freak-me-out woozy spells i was suffering from a couple of weeks ago. just after lunch on friday i was struck and, again, freaked the fucked out. i left work early and went back to the clinic to see what the hell is going on. i had to wait an extended period (which only made me more anxious and freaked out), but i got to see the best doctor i've ever seen in that clinic. she asked me a lot more questions than the last one and ordered some bloodwork to check things out. when i go back later in the week for a follow-up, i'm totally asking her if she'll be my GP.

thankfully, christopher was there with me through all of the unwellness. he even got up at the crack of dawn to go to the lab with me to have my blood drawn saturday morning. i don't know how i managed to get so lucky.

in the spirit of retail therapy (and a little pre-birthday present), we went down to future shop and i bought myself an mp3 player! it's a Creative Zen Micro Photo 8gb. in red. i haven't named it yet, but i'm probably leaning towards 'cherrybomb' or 'big red'. opinions and alternate suggestions are wholly welcome.

so, with the new toy comes a new obsession: ripping CDs and updating ID3 tags. god, that's annoying. but, as jeremy said, at least i only have to do it once.

ack, dad's going to be here any second. i'm taking him out for fish'n'chips for daddy's day. he's driving, but that's because it's hot out and he's got a/c in his car.

how was your weekend?

feeling... unimpressed, but not bad. it's a weird combination. i think i need a change, but i don't know what. in the meantime, i'm making a list.

this weekend i want to:

- scan three rolls of film
- shoot a roll in my new camera(s)
- get down on my hands & knees and SCRUB the bathroom floor
- sleep in
- take dad out somewhere for daddy's day
- eat yummy indian food
- watch movies
- have a nap
- go outside
- pay bills
- go through old binders of school stuff, hopefully making space for books and cameras
- go to ikea's midnight madness event

after going to a fabulous show by The Fiery Furnaces at Richard's on Richards last night, driving the drunken jen and christopher to their homes and then, finally, making my way to my bed, only to be up and at work, not only on time, but early, i'm utterly consumed with nostomania. for those of you not on the a.word.a.day mailing list...

no matter how bad i might feel this morning, at least i'm not sporting a hangover the likes my two companions are sure to be suffering though today.

you know, i could really get used to two-day work weeks.

didn't win the lottery, so i'm back at work today. feeling much steadier. people missed me (but think i'm crazy to have come back today). who knew?

not a lot to say. i've been un-steady for the last number of days. the doctor called it either an inner ear infection, virus or a combination of the two. i call it unsettling, disconcerting and generally awfully awful. i tried to work on monday, but had to come home and have been here since. it's tough to get started on much because i don't know just when i'm going to feel like falling over or getting ill.

the last week has been one big lesson for me on how to ask for help. it's been tough, but i've reached out to several people when i normally would have tried to suck it up and pretend nothing was amiss. it's been good to know that no matter what else goes on, i have some fantastic people in my life who will be there for me when i need them.

that being said, when i've not been monitored by someone nearby, i've been totally hermitty with other communications. that's typical for me when i'm feeling off, though. i totally withdraw and try to regroup on my own. it's one step forward and one step back, i suppose.

things of note:
- a belated happy birthday to the devilishly awesome jodi who turned 34 yesterday.
- in exactly one month, i'll be in ontario cavorting with relatives i've yet to have met.
- i finally finished my scanning. now i have two more rolls to drop off. oi.
- cross your fingers my fortune cookie lottery numbers are big winners -- christopher & i need to be rich.

i've never been so happy to have it rain as i was last night. it was so ridiculously muggy, everything which could collect condensation did -- including me -- which is what you want in a sauna, but it's not so fun when you're trying to clean house.

i took last night off from people and took control of chez hessie. i did all the laundry, cleaned the floors, took out the trash & recycling and generally tidied to a level which lowers my homemaker stress to an acceptable level. then, after chores and chicken-baking was done, i turned on the hot mini-light action, scanned a roll of film (thank goodness there are only 12 shots on a holga roll) and watched the premiere episode of canada's next top model i downloaded before collapsing into a freshly laundered bed for what turned out to be a fantastic night's sleep.

now, it's friday & payday. i just spent the last 20 minutes transferring money around and i'm broke again. all this ebaying, film-buying/developing, entertaining, socializing and wardrobe restructuring is stupid expensive. i need to scale back pretty seriously if i want to get ahead again. man, i really need a patron who'll finance my life of creative expression via sleep and being cute.

tomorrow, i'm going to see art with people. sunday, i'm going to see a movie and eat ridiculous amounts of sushi. it's just under a month until i start my vacation and just over a month until my birthday, both of which i need to enjoy as much as humanly possible because the following two months are chock full of nasty work stuff i'm trying desperately not to even contemplate.

today, my biggest decision is where i'm going to get lunch. i think that's just about perfect.

i had a really freaky experience at work yesterday. i don't want to get into the details, but it quite literally scared the shit out of me. luckily for me, debbie very calmly took charge when i told her i thought something was wrong. kevin, my boss, kept checking up on me all afternoon which was totally annoying in an utterly sweet way and, after work, christopher and jen came over to keep my mind off it with pizza and a movie.

i'm still experiencing a little post-episode hypochondria today. it's something i hate about myself, but i totally work myself up into quite a state when i sense unusual symptoms. 99% of the time it's nothing, but i get on the internet and diagnose myself with cancer, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, etc. and then spend the next few days waiting for my impending death. i'm not quite sure why i do it to myself, but i really wish i would get over it already. it's very wearing on my nerves.

before anyone (else) gets all worried, i got looked over by ed the awesome first aid guy and he was confident of his diagnosis. if he had been even the least bit concerned it was something serious i would have been at the hospital PDQ. all i know is that i don't ever want to go through that again. *shudder*