{"id":2731,"date":"2009-09-20T22:07:48","date_gmt":"2009-09-20T22:07:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog2\/?p=2731"},"modified":"2009-09-20T22:07:48","modified_gmt":"2009-09-20T22:07:48","slug":"in_a_split_seco","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog\/in_a_split_seco\/","title":{"rendered":"in a split second…"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"not<\/a><\/p>\n

so, i’ve had a fairly busy three weeks.
\ni had knee surgery, a night at the Villa Casino hotel, a gall bladder attack of such excruciating pain i was drenched in sweat and visited by the paramedics, a sudden pain in my left leg which woke me up at 2am which turned out to be a blood clot that suddenly decided that my left leg wasn’t the cool place to hang out and rushed straight for my lungs which precipitated my first ambulance ride and a six-day hospital stay. then, just as i’m getting used to the idea that i’ll be taking rat poison for the next six months to keep my blood all thin and non-clotty, i get a cold.
\nreally? did all that actually happen to me in the last three weeks? it certainly did and, you know what? i may still be a little gimpy and be weak as a new-born baby, but i survived it.
\nthrough all of it, my parents and Christopher have been so devoted and amazing. even when their own life threw wrenches in the works, they’ve been so awesome to me.
\nChristopher stayed with me in the ER for almost 24 hours, standing or trying desperately to sleep in the most uncomfortable chair ever made, not leaving my side for a second. my dad was on call to shop or visit or drive me or someone somewhere if it was needed and sitting with me, loving me in his solid, quiet way. my mom rushed over on the first available ferry from the island to swoop into the hospital and ask all the questions i didn’t know needed asking and to tend me once i got home, holding me tight when the tears finally broke through.
\nit’s also been a very scary three weeks.
\ni was afraid of the surgery, but that all went well. i was scared when i was suddenly doubled over in pain and sweating from head to toe. i was terrified i was going to die when my heart suddenly started bouncing around in my chest and i felt like i wouldn’t ever get another breath. i was scared when the doctor confirmed that i had a very large clot somewhere in my lungs and he wouldn’t tell us where, exactly, it was. even now, when i’m feeling better and i know my medication is working, i am petrified every time i exert myself that i’m going to have to call the ambulance again.
\ni’ve been afraid, every night, that i won’t wake up the next morning.
\ni keep thinking that nearly dying should somehow have made me want to do, to live, more. instead, it’s made me want to do nothing. to hide in my apartment, where it’s safe, where i’m alone and i don’t have do anything which will jeopardize my health.
\nit was a beautiful, sunny & windy day yesterday — the kind of blustery day i love — so i got dressed and went for a walk. i didn’t get a quarter of the way around the block before i got scared and had to come home. it was physically exhausting and the further i got from my apartment, the more frightened i might not make it back i became. i don’t know what part of that is that i’m still weak from surgery and Pulmonary Embolism or the cold i’m fighting off and which is the fear i’ve been living with for the past twenty-some-odd days.
\nthere’s not much to like about being scared all the the damn time. about freaking out every time you breathe a little fast or feel any kind of twinge, flinch or gurgle inside your body. hell, i even have to be scared about eating too much broccoli, green beans or garlic while i’m taking this medication!
\nfear sucks.
\nbut, i guess it’s better to be alive and scared than not.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

so, i’ve had a fairly busy three weeks. i had knee surgery, a night at the Villa Casino hotel, a gall bladder attack of such excruciating pain i was drenched in sweat and visited by the paramedics, a sudden pain in my left leg which woke me up at 2am which turned out to be …<\/span> Read More →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,7,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2731","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-photos","category-self-indulgence","category-words"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2731","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2731"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2731\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2731"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2731"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/fubsy.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2731"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}