everything and nothing

last night i dreamt that i was on an alaskan cruise. there was a mystery involved and before it was all over bruce allen (bryan adam’s long-time manager & vancouver well-known) was trying his very best to seduce me. by the time the alarm started squawking at me, i had decided i had made the wrong decision and wanted to tell bruce it was entirely all right for him to kiss me.
besides the unfulfilled dream loving, i can’t seem to sleep enough lately. i’m absolutely exhausted by the time i get home, but when it’s time to go to bed i can’t fall asleep, not to mention the fact that i just cannot seem to get out of bed in the morning because i’m up so late trying to fall asleep. fuck, i hate unflexible schedules. i’m so tired i could cry.
so, it seems i’m scared shitless of intimate relationships with men. that’s got to be it. i’m doing everything in my power not to take any risk of falling for anyone, ever. if i care for you, i’ll either smother you with my attention or shut you down if you’re really getting too close. i can’t deal with being emotionally vulnerable. it freaks me out and i don’t know how to deal with it. that being said, the greatest contradiction is that i’d love to have someone to trust and love unconditionally. okay, that’s a lie. even typing that out makes me uncomfortable. i once believed that i really did want that story-book love of your life thing. in some respects i still do, but only as an ideal.
now, i think i just need someone who’ll call me on my bullshit and be patient when they have to yank out my feelings because i’ve been hurt or offended. oddly, i have someone like that in my life now. too bad he’s already married.
i tried pmachine yesterday (on ej’s recommendation) and although my first reaction was unfavourable, after some time to cool down from my frustration with it, i can see how it could be used in a more flexible manner. but, the authors have made it difficult in some respects and their documentation is sorely lacking in several areas. next to test: moveable type. maybe next week, because i still have a lot of pictures to scan this weekend.
oh, i haven’t mentioned that, have i? well, yeah. there’s a project at work involving a whack of scanning and when i told them they really didn’t want to use the old, crappy scanner for that task (where perfection is paramount) they ordered a brand new one and told me i could take it home to do the work in my off hours. of course, while i have such a beast in my possession, i’m scanning all of my photographs. i figure it’ll be fun to have them all on a couple cds and instead of having to haul out the trunk and find the box with the right collection of prints, i can just pull them up on the computer. although, after last night, i’m starting to think i bit off a whole lot more than i can chew.
i finally finished the crossroads of twilight the other day. two days late to the library and two weeks wasted. dear me, that book pissed me off. seven-hundred pages covering 36 hours in the lives of the characters. a set-up book. there wasn’t even a payoff at the end. nothing remotely interesting happened. that’s it, robert jordan can kiss my ass (until such time as he finished the series and then, i suppose, i’ll see what the hell his point was).