sometimes i wonder if i’m depressed or if i’m just incredibly lazy and down on myself. i’ve had a really great, social, relaxing weekend, but as soon as i got home from picking my car up at the pub this morning, i’ve been overcome with dark thoughts and lonely feelings.
i feel completely, unbelievably, utterly unworthy. i look around this huge apartment and i’m overcome with how empty it is, how alone i am when i come home and close the door behind me. how i have pretty much given up on ever finding anyone to share it and my my life with.
i feel my pants getting tighter every week and i find myself still not caring enough about my health and appearance to put the workout tape back in the vcr or log my points each day. as long as the number on the scale is still lower than it was six months ago i seem not to care that it’s slowly creeping back up and my fitness level is regressing much faster than that.
i feel like i’m stuck and i can’t seem to bring myself to do so much as put on a pair of shoes and walk to the coffee shop on the corner, just to go outside and be around people; let alone get over my stupid infatuations and lingering feelings for men who are completely wrong for, not to mention not at all interested in, me. my fear of never meeting anyone new who could like and enjoy me keeps me isolated and reinforces my feeling uninteresting and unloveable.
i’ve been dreaming about people who have passed from my life, either through death or desertion. this week, a co-worker was killed on the highway and my cat was put down to end his long suffering. the vivid dreams have just accentuated my feelings of loss and loneliness. i wake and i wish i’d never slept or, at the very least, not dreamt.
oh, i know i’ve got a pretty spectacular life compared to a lot of people. that the time i spend belabouring my issues could be much better spent bettering myself or society, but i’m so paralyzed by the perceived enmormity of the tasks which need addressing that i can’t even do so much as get up and scrub the rings from the stove or hang art on the walls. i complain about being alone, but when people ask to spend time with me i blow them off so i can spend more time alone brooding about being alone. yeah, i think i’m crazy, too.
now that i’ve gotten that all out of me, i hope i can get my rapidly enlarging ass in gear and get some shit done.
baby steps. do one tiny thing that makes you feel better. then feel good about it. surprisingly, over time, it can lead to two tiny things, then three, then more. eventually you’ll get back into the swing of things. remember, it’s like anything else.
Yes, Heather, you’re right. We’re more alike than I thought.
You are allowed to feel all those things – we all do at one point or another. But if you are thinking that you might be depressed, then you have nothing to lose by seeing your Dr and talking about it.
You don’t have to feel this way, hessie! There is help and meds out there if your Dr deems them necessary. You wont believe how much better you can feel – once you take that (big) step.
You are right – you have wonderful people and things in your life, and a lot to be happy about. But that doesnt mean that feelings of sadness, lonliness and other moods aren’t real, valid, and important enough to pay attention to. Take care of yourself – and don’t be so hard on yourself. *hugs*
*hugs*
Very normaL. Very reaL. When I feel that way I joke that I’m having a ‘down-swing on the mental health continuim”. The good news? Up-swings follow.
hugs
” i complain about being alone, but when people ask to spend time with me i blow them off so i can spend more time alone brooding about being alone.”
Oh my god, I do this too! It’s so bad. I have to say, though, that since getting on medication, I’ve been less inclined to feel powerless over everything. Um, now I just don’t care if I do anything or not, which probably isn’t the best solution, but it sure beats lying in bed, incapable of moving, and crying myself back to sleep.