crushedless

it’s 8:45 and i just got out of bed. i’m sitting here in my underpants, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, waiting for the kettle to boil and bring me some coffee. unfortunately, the kettle hasn’t actually been trained to bring me coffee, but i’m half asleep. i’m allowed to dream.
i spent some post-vodka time last night reading old logs. i used to be a huge hoarder of logs. i’d log anything. i kept all my mail: email, snail mail, talker mail. if i could log it, i would. it proved useful occassionally. mostly, it was just a way to feel like i wouldn’t forget anything that happened. that there was actually some record somewhere of the nice (or nasty) things people said to me.
unfortuntely, i started reading old morgan logs last night. a combination of boy trouble, having a brief email correspondence with paul-from-the-past and posting that photo of him yesterday got me curious. what was it that i saw in him? what the hell did he see in me? it was kind of nice to see so many declarations of unflagging love. then i skipped to the end and saw all the hateful, angry words he threw at me across cyberspace…
it doesn’t upset me to read, exactly. mostly, it makes me feel old and tired and very, very sad. both for him and myself. i didn’t do things right by him, i freely admit that. i didn’t know how to say “i like you, enjoy spending time with you, but there’s just not that something i need to make it serious, permanent.”
that’s what annoys me so much about people and emotion. why is it that one person can feel so much for someone yet not have it returned? isn’t that just cruel? you shouldn’t be attracted to people who aren’t attracted to you right back. it would solve so many headaches! well, at least mine.
confession: i was actually working on two crushes.
both are boys i’ve known for a long time. one is someone i’d never really considered crushing on for many reasons, mostly because i just hadn’t spent that much time talking to him and didn’t really know if there was that possibility. the other is a return crushee. he’s the person with which i feel completely myself. there’s no pretension or worries about what he’s thinking when we hang. it’s so nice and casual, that’s probably why whenever we do hang i spend the wake bobbing in choppy emotional water.
neither of them are going to amount to anything, i’m sure. they’re just current examples of my being attracted to boys who don’t quite like me back enough to take that extra step past casual whatever to “gotta see you again or i might explode”.
sorry, i didn’t mean this to turn into a woe is me post. it’s just a dump of all the things i’ve been thinking this week. it’s better out than in, my mom always said.