last night, for the first time in what feels like months, i went straight home from work. no stopping off at christopher’s. no shopping. no rushing to change before going out anywhere with anyone. just home. it felt weird, but good. probably just because of the funk i’m smack in the middle of, but being home alone, watching a movie, eating some dinner, having a bubble-bath, screwing around on the computer and being in bed by nine-thirty made me feel so good and calm.
i have not been calm.
this whole waiting to see if i’m going to have another attack is driving me crazy. i KNOW i’m probably fine and i’m DOING everything i need to make myself more fine but anytime i feel anything odd in my body i start to worry and obsess and cause myself all sorts of stress.
part of me feels like i need a good cry, but even at the end of the movie i watched last night, i couldn’t even get one going. the other week when i was all worked up and sad and mad i started to bawl but then it just abruptly stopped. i just can’t seem to get it out, whatever “it” is.
while driving somewhere the other day, i had a fantasy that i should quit my job, pack up my stuff and go work up north in one of those ridiculously overpaid jobs no one wants to do because who wants to live up north anyway. i could work there for a year, make tons of money i couldn’t spend because there’s nothing to do, pay off bills and then come back and start again. i don’t think i’ve ever experienced such an overwhelming urge to run away as i have the last couple of months.
what am i trying to get away from?
p.s. i would love a piece of watermelon right about now.
i get that urge to run away every so often too…just anywhere, as long as it’s away.
Hmmm. That sounds like a typical night for me. I’m almost too comfortable living the single life, and scanning my negs every night :)
I also get the urge to run away, but with my toddler and two dogs, it’s not even worth thinking about it.
I’ve been feeling the same way lately except I wouldn’t come back.
Yes, new ringtones will make everything all right.
oops. i missed one. =)
I totally understand the “need a good cry” feelings. I’ve been feeling the same way too lately… and I rented “Life as a House” which I remember made me just BAWL the first time I saw it… yet second time round – nothing. Well, forced some tears but not satisfying. huff.