for all that i talk about myself and life here and elsewhere, it’s very hard for anyone to truly get to know me. i don’t express my deepest feelings easily. there is a lot of shame and fear associated with revealing my true self to others.
i’m afraid you’ll be appalled and horrified, disgusted and ashamed. you’ll run screaming from my life, alerting the neighbourhood to the presence of such filth.
you have to listen very carefully to what i say and how i say it. there are very few people who’ve done this in my life. i can count on one hand how many people i would say really get me. that’s why it hurts so much when i realize that i was wrong about someone’s level of understanding me.
i think all my favourite people are like that. i think it’s a good thing. it SHOULD be hard to get to know someone really well. gives you depth and stuff. yeah. :)
yeah, what iain said.
*gets on soapbox found on another page*
I don’t agree. And maybe that’s because I’ve had so many “mysterious” people in my life, and I’m not very good at reading between the lines, or interpreting what’s REALLY being said, as opposed to what’s coming out of a person’s mouth. I take people at face value, and I guess I expect them to be as honest with me about themselves as I am with them.
It’s scary to reveal your true self – I understand that, and totally identify with it. But I don’t think it’s fair to expect people to read you and know you and understand you if you’re not honest with them. And then, to be hurt when you find out they really don’t understand you, well, that’s not really their fault….
Heather, I hope you know that there are people out here/there who would love you no matter what you told them. I think the trap we get into is, when we don’t like ourselves very much, it’s easy to believe that no one will, either, “if they knew me like I know me”. The truth is that no one can like you if you don’t give them the chance. I’m fairly sure you don’t kill children or small animals. You don’t sleep with your friends’ husbands on a regular basis. You don’t hunt baby harp seals. So, the thoughts you think, the feelings you feel, the actions you’ve done, can’t be that bad.
I don’t pretend to know you very well, nor do I think I can begin to understand what goes on in your mind, or anyone else’s, really. But I understand how it feels to be a prisoner of my own thoughts. It really sucks. But the reality is that there are people out there who are totally worthy of your trust. Give ’em some credit, have a little faith. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Doesn’t mean there aren’t shitty, untrustworthy people out there. But you get to a point where you can recognize those you can trust, I think. And you learn lessons along the way.
*steps off soapbox and gives it back*
ok… i’m going to soapbox on hessie’s blog twice in one day. :)
i agree with you mostly, paige, but i think you’re being unfair. there’s a world of difference between letting your closest friends in to know you, and blurting out your deepest and most intimate feelings to complete strangers, or on a public blog.
and for what it’s worth, though i don’t know whether she’d agree or disagree, i think i know heather pretty well, and i also think she’s fantastic. :)
but i understand that there are things that she no doubt wouldn’t feel entirely comfortable sharing with me. and that’s fine. because i think trust should be earned, the same as love and closeness should be earned. and i’m not trying to say it’s so cool to be mysterious and deep and have a dark and troubled past, and all that jazz. it’s just that with my closest friends, i feel that much more special knowing they trust me and love me enough to share those things with me that they might ordinarily feel wary about sharing. even if that wariness comes entirely from paranoia.
it’s not that i’m suggesting it’s good to feel bad about yourself. it isn’t! and you do need to let some people in. but isn’t that the difference between a close friend and a passing acquaintance?
i’d like to think that whatever her fears and paranoias, though, heather still knows deep down that nothing she can ever disclose about herself would change how much you, i or anyone else here cares about her.
ok ok, so i didn’t say all those things before. but it’s what i meant.
honest. :)
look! chaos agreed with me! see?! it wasn’t just me. i’m innocent!
ok. shutting up now.
iain, I agree with you, too. I didn’t mean to imply that I thought Heather should just automatically trust everyone and blurt stuff out to anyone that came along. Nor do I think she should post stuff here if she’s not comfortable with it. What I meant was that when she has people in her life that have been there a while, that she feels she can trust, it might be time to let them in a little more, and then a little more, and then…etc. Rather than keeping all the stuff to herself that she’s afraid to reveal, for fear that they’ll leave, or dislike her, or whatever.
We’re only as sick as our secrets, as they say. I just think it’s so important to open up, to at least one person, if you don’t have many people you trust. It’s important not only so you get feedback, but you also learn that not everyone is out to get you, not everyone is going to hate you, and really, some people already love you. And would only love you more if you shared those things with them. Because, as iain said, you feel that much more special knowing your friends trust you and love you enough to share those things with you that they might not ordinarily share. It’s part of being a friend, sharing is.
I’m just grateful as hell for my best friend. She and I share our ugliest, meanest, saddest thoughts with each other, and then we feel better. I don’t have to give her advice, but what I can do is show her that I love her anyway. Actually, that i love her BECAUSE of those things. That’s how we relate! Not just because we like the same kind of food, or because we shop at the same stores, but because we have the same fears, and the same hopes, and the same feelings. And, if I share something with her that she’s never felt, she can still, somehow, help me work through it. It’s amazing.
But, this is way off topic. I just felt the need to chime in because I know that I’m trustworthy. And I know other people are, too. And I got the impression that heather expects her closest friends to read her, and understand her, and love her, without opening herself up completely to them. I hate to use the analogy, but it would be like… oh, nevermind. I’m probably getting myself in further than I should anyway.
Bottom line – Heather, you’re a wonderful, loveable woman, and I hope you know that. I hope you know that you can open yourself up, to the right people, and they’re not going to like you any less. You don’t have to be hurt by someone misunderstanding you, if you help them to understand you. You know?
Okay, taking iain’s cue now. *zip*
Well, we share a brain, so I hope I’m on one of those fingers! (Uh… that sounded way kinkier than it was meant to) *hug*
firstly, holy shit! i think this qualifies as the most prolific comments section in weblog history.
secondly, i never expected anyone i know to try to guess at who i am or what i’m thinking or feeling. i KNOW that i’m not very open about my truest feelings. it’s one of my most frustrating traits. i don’t share easily. i never have. i’ve gotten better over the years, but i still have a long way to go.
i don’t open up the way other people i know do for many varied reasons. my father has been a closed book to me for most of my life. my mother was completely the opposite. somehow, between those influences, i gravitated towards the latter and developed a stubborn streak which causes me to be even MORE reticent when someone tries to draw me out. i’m just fucked that way.
there is the fear of being rejected, the fear of being judged, and the fear of becoming vulnerable all playing equally strong roles in why i am the way i am. not to mention my self-esteem issues, yadda yadda yadda.
as i mentioned, it’s something i’m aware of and have made some rather significant headway in how i deal with my relationships with the people i trust and care for. i’m actually rather proud of how far i’ve come. the awareness of that hesitance will sometimes be held up in front of me at times and i think “fuck, i’m not so good at this as i thought i was. how can i change it? why don’t i share the way other people do?”
that’s what that entry was about. reminding myself that i still have a long way to go. working out, however superficially, a current understanding that i need to take a chance and let people in. without that risk, there can’t be any hope for reward.
thirdly, thank you for all your kind words. they mean a lot.
fourth, and finally, you can be on my finger *anytime* heather. ;)
hi, i just have to add that i spewed Trix (the kind that are for kids) all over the place when i read paige’s “you don’t sleep with your friends’ husbands on a regular basis.”
ha! because as long as it’s only occassionally, we’re fine with it. not that i care whose husband you sleep with. but if you’re going to be sleeping with husbands, i find it’s much better to sleep with the husbands of women you don’t know.
that’s all folks.
jodi, i’m so glad you found the humor. ;)
i’m british. we don’t have humour over here. and i don’t know what sarcasm is, either. :P
I think you might be dripping with it right now, iain! :)
there will be no talk of iain dripping anything, thankyouverymuch!
Um, wow.
can we go back to talking about dripping?
who’s dripping? GO SEE A DOCTOR!
*laughing*