at this moment…

i had a complete and utter alzheimer’s moment this morning as i was leaving for work. i made my breakfast, packed my bag, put on my shoes and grabbed my keys. as i walked out the front door to my car, i kept one arm in front of my face so i wouldn’t walk headlong into a spider web. there’s nothing worse than getting a face full of web first thing in the morning. you spend the next then minutes dancing around like a dervish brushing yourself off and praying there are no spiders in your hair or on your clothing.
the next thing i remembered, i was standing at the driver’s side door of my car attempting to put a house key into the door lock. i was gripped by uncertainty. did i lock my apartment door? i honestly couldn’t remember.
standing there, i debated whether i had to go back in to ensure my abode was secure against invaders.
“it’s not like i left the iron on,” i thought, “there’s no threat of fire.”
yeah, but would you rather have all your stuff stolen or destroyed in flames?
i grudgingly trudged back inside and turned the handle on my door. yeah. it was locked. i hadn’t felt like a knob until that moment. then i wondered how i could possibly manage to lock the door and get from point a to point b without even remembering doing so.
being that unaware of my actions concerns me. i’ve been thinking lately about the concept of living in the moment, not the past or the present. even my father has been telling me lately “don’t wish your life away” when, on a slow wednesday morning, i’d tell him i couldn’t wait for the weekend. i have a bad tendency to dwell on the past and relive my mistakes. equally, i tend to spend too much time dreaming about what may come, how things may turn out, without actually planning for alternate outcomes, which causes me distress which i will brood upon once the moment has passed.
i want to be happy to be me, at this moment. i want to be able to let go of my past and not let it control me and hinder me from making better choices now, in the present. i keep making the same mistakes over and over because i haven’t let go of the circumstances in which i made the mistake the first time. until i do, i will be doomed to be either alone or in self-destructive relationships. until i do, i will be fat and unhealthy. until i do, i will be insecure and self-doubting.
at this moment, i am glad i’m writing this down.