i’ve been thinking about death a lot lately. mostly my own. honestly, i’ve been fairly convinced i’m about to keel over any moment. not for any particular reason, though. just like “hey, i think i’m the kind of person who would drop dead prematurely and no one would miss me for at least a week (unless it was a payroll monday, then they’d have the police at my place by 8:30am).”
all the energy i’ve been putting into considering my mortality is exhausting. worrying about who’ll find what kind of contraband in my possessions. will anyone miss me? which of my foreign friends will fly out for the funeral? will it hurt?
then there’s the tangent which takes me down the road of a long, degenerative disease. that’s the path i start to palpitate when i consider. blood tests, surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy, medications, amputations, oxygen tanks, iv tubes, white counts. the reaction of co-workers, friends and family. the slow but steady withdrawl of everyone i consider close to me. their natural refusal to consciously acknowledge their own mortality by ignoring my obvious journey to the final resting place…
then i start thinking about how i’d like to have a male visitor to mess about with for an evening, just to re-acquaint myself with the pleasures of dangly bits, and it just seems so unimportant.
I go through those phases here and there… it’s natural I guess. The thoughts really used to get to me, because somehow I can imagine what death is like, or at least what I think it would be like. What gets me the most is the sadness of losing all the knowledge and memories of loved ones, places, things, etc. It’s that loss of my own experiences that scares me the most when I do let my mind think about it.
I consciously change my thought processes when I do begin thinking of my demise, not as a stalling tactic or to avoid it, but because I know that there’s nothing I can do about it, so why worry?
I hope this religion thing is for real, but then again, if it’s not, we won’t know. It’ll all be lost.
Oh… and the dangly parts thing… that cracked me up! I have never referred to my little friends as dangly parts, but hey, there’s a first time for everything!
i just figured “cock” was a little too crass for the front page. =)
Well, you know I’d actually wear lipstick.
Now when I think about my own death, it includes knowing the pain it will cause Rowan. Still makes me nearly cry thinking about it. Breeding doeshorrible things to your emotions! ;)