i wrote a long, bare-my-soul type post this morning. i was all set to upload it and then i read andrea’s comment about the purple pirate finding this site via his referral logs. that got me to worrying about tarnishing my image by letting people read the truth about me.
the truth.
i mean, that guy from hot-or-not surely won’t want to email me anymore if he reads what i wrote. the purple pirate, who probably doesn’t remember me from a specific balloon poodle he made, wouldn’t think i was cool after that. everyone will read it and think “ew. i can’t believe i thought i liked her. she’s so fucked up!”
well, fuck you if you can’t handle it. if you don’t want to read it, then don’t. just skip right down the page, or leave entirely, i don’t care which. make up your mind, because here it comes:
i’ve been thinking about why i haven’t had any wild sex. i’m sure it’s part and parcel of my general lack of practical sexual experience. i’m wildly green for a twenty-nine year old. but, even more than that… i think i’m gross and getting naked in front of people makes me shy and scared.
i’m fat, you see. actually, i think the clinical term is obese. really, really fat. if you saw me walking down the street your eyes would narrow critically and think “ew, what a slob”. sometimes, i delude myself into thinking i’m a pretty attractive person. i know for a fact i’m actually somewhat cute… from the neck up. that’s why there are very few full-length pictures available of me. i’ve got to sustain the illusion of my allure. it’s all i’ve got.
when someone expresses an interest in me, i get happy and i’m flattered and i’m attracted and i feel somewhat better about myself. until i see myself in the mirror as i’m walking around my apartment. that’s when the “they’ll run screaming when they see me naked” thoughts begin. they’ve effectively sabotaged several pretty good chances at my having a normal relationship in the past. i just can’t rid myself of the prejudice against human nature’s ingrained desire for physical beauty above all things.
i am not physically beautiful.
although, that does not mean i am not beautiful in other ways.
it’s taken me a very long time to be able to say, think, and write that last sentence. the hardest part was learning to believe it. thankfully, i do now. i truly do.
but, i still think i’m gross to look at.
the worst part about having these feelings is not being able to express them to anyone else. as soon as you do utter something of this sort about yourself, the person you’re uttering them to feels some urge to assure you, emphatically, that you are indeed beautiful and it doesn’t matter how fat you are or how big your nose is. they take great pains to try to make you feel better when, in fact, all they’re doing is making themselves feel better. people don’t like to hear another put themselves down because it arouses all their own self-doubts and self-confidence issues. they immediately quash their negativity with heaps of positive platitudes in order to stuff down their rising fear of being discovered as a less-than-good-enough person.
i don’t want people to attempt to reassure me that i’m not unattractive. they can’t ever assure me that i’m not fat, which is what i mean when i say “i’m icky”. i’m icky because people don’t lust and fantasize over fat girls. normally, that is. i’m fully aware of the “chubby chaser” breed of human; but, they’re rare and are often ashamed of their preference.
but, for now, when i try to have a relationship of any sort there’s always that lingering fear in the back of my mind. that little voice that whispers to me in the dark of night: “so what if they think you’re smart? so what if they think you’re funny? they haven’t seen you with your clothes off yet… that’s when they’ll run!”
don’t start with the “obviously you’re not gross. people have had sex with you” bit. trust me, i’ve tried to use that on myself a million times. but, thinking about the people i’ve had sex with, i fairly sure i’m right when i say i was just scratching an itch they couldn’t reach, if you know what i mean. i was convenient, willing and warm. that’s all they needed at the time, so i fit the bill. don’t make that clucking noise with your tongue, either. it’s okay. most of them were just convenient for me, too.
i have hope though. i have the hope that someday i’ll find someone in whom i trust so much that i’ll be able to ignore that voice. that there’s a person out there who can love every part of me like the other. that my insides and my outsides are all beautiful to them and they will wonder over every bit and in their wonder i will be at peace.
Thank you for being so open and sharing that with us. :)
Very well said.
I have the feeling, too, that when I finally find the right person, my insecurities will no longer exist. I believe it’s true, and the interesting thing is that I’ve been aware of this for a while, but do I pay attention to it? Noooo! I keep thinking that if I am insecure, I should realize WHY, and move on. Instead, I try to work through it, only to discover that they weren’t right for me anyway.
*hug* Thank you for writing that.
wow, thank you for sharing. but i think the problem is that u have to love yourself/your body before the insecurity will go away. no matter how much someone says he loves the way u look, unless u believe it yourself, u will never feel comfortable about it.
Yeah….gotta say they’re right. While it’s nice to have a partner who continually reassures me he finds me attractive (and does nice things to show such ;)), I still can’t believe it. He caresses my skin and gets lustful thoughts, I think “oh god, he’s touching that big wobbly jellyish bit!”
But you’ve said yourself – you look back at pictures of people you once were totally into, and now you say “um…eew!” but at that time you saw them as attractive. But the question, of course, is whether they were still looking at themselves saying “eew!” And when they looked at you and saw you as beautiful, did you for a minute feel it?
And, for what it’s worth, I do think you’re beautiful – no matter what some dumb scale says, k? And to be honest, the fact that I can honestly say that (really, it’s not just one of those old jr. high games where two thin girls would sit there, one complaining she was fat, the other saying “oh, god, no, you’re not fat, but look at my thigh! It’s HUGE!”) helps my own self-image…. if I can see someone else who isn’t skinny enough to be in a magazine or whatnot as beautiful, maybe I actually can be less than hideous myself. ;)
heather, i am so right there with you. if i weren’t such a crabby bitch at the moment i would write you a wonderful thoughtful letter. but it will have to wait until tomorrow.
oh, *sigh*
i’m sorry i said something that started a train of thought that made you feel so bad.
*hug*
i think we can all relate to a lot of those feelings, heather. even us skinny too-cold-at-work-all-the-time types…
let’s blame society, placing too much damn emphasis on looks. stupid society.
Damn stupid society!! Grrrrrrrrr
A comment here would be appropriate, I’m sure. But, I think it is safe to say that you know where I stand.
Whoa. That’s interesting.
innit?
You know what? I can totally identify with everything you wrote. I did find someone that loves me the way that I am. I am one of the lucky ones. I do still have my “I’m fat and ugly” days. I am not much of an outgoing person and I am shy as well.
Okay, my point was that there are a lot of people who can relate, including me.
Hugs to you, from me. Happy Holidays! Oh, and I love reading your blog!
Hi. You don’t know me….I found you as I was going over Paige’s site. I get what you’re saying, however I have an argument.
In not knowing you, I only go by what I read. I can’t do much else except see you and enjoy your work, the personality shown, etc.
When you say things like you did there, you’re not really giving anybody else a chance to view you any differently than you want to be viewed yourself (or don’t). You’ve tossed out a flag on insecurity whether you meant to or not.
I like what you wrote. It’s strong, purposeful and well-done. I have no idea if it’s true, however….but now you have made me wonder.
This is long….I can’t seem to make my point in a shorter amount of time. sorry.
fuck it……sorry…….
You are what you WANT to be. There. I said it.
You can be anything you want and more power to you.
‘kay. better.
Repeat after me, “Fuck your fascist beauty standards.” Now, say it loudly and with some meaning, “FUCK YOUR FASCIST BEAUTY STANDARDS!” Keep saying it until you realize that we make those standards, even though most of us don’t fit ’em. And, when you’ve accepted that gruesome reality, go make fun of some skinny people: “Eauw, she’s all boney. Who would want to fuck a skeleton?” How’s about, “Yeah, she has a shape – rectangular!” My personal favorite? “There’s more to grope on a freakin’ lampost!”
No idea where I was going with this, but did ya’ smile? Tell me you smiled, huh, huh?
Oh, and one more thing, some poll a few years back showed that the majority of American men don’t know the difference between a women’s size 8 and a size 16. Size is just a number, baby, and numbers mean shit.
*lotsa hugs*
As one fat person to another, I can really relate to what you wrote. I’ve had times like those you describe, but they’re few and very far between.
We should talk more.
at least you’re gorgeous (inside and out). should you decide to make a change, it’s a *whole* lot easier to lose weight than it is to lose ugly.
a lot of women feel that way. the thing is, you can be really, honestly overweight, and still be sexy. whether you’re male or female. seriously! the thing that makes a strong, intelligent, kind person feel attarcted to another person is mostly an attractive personality. that and secuirty in that perosnality. i know skinnyskinnyskinny girls who are about as attractive as a slug, and overweight girls who are way sexy. so that’s that.