i was in the middle of a post about how jumpy i’ve been post-september 11th. i was describing the plane which flew by my window this afternoon. how the low-flying prop plane was heading distinctly away from the airport and towards downtown, leaving a slight trail of black smoke. i was writing about how all these horrible scenarios lept to mind as i watched it go past. it crashing into the bridge i go across twice daily. the exhaust actually being a toxic substance being crop-dusted over the populace. i was writing about how i used to love looking up to see an airplane flying by. i’d sigh softly and wish i were in that metal tube travelling somewhere or returning from someplace. now, i look at them and think “that seems rather low. oh my god, that’s big. i hope it doesn’t crash.” i was writing about the fear i feel, just below the surface, in everything i do and everything i see. how that fear isn’t going away whether i think on it or try my best to ignore it and the things which caused it.
then there was a large rumbling noise in the building and the fire alarms went off. i imagined the worst as i gathered my wallet & keys and ushered everyone out of the department as is my duty as fire warden. making my way down the hall, past the screaming alarm bells, i may have looked calm but inside… inside i was screaming for my mommy and praying it was just a false alarm.
it was. thank god.
now, i’m home. safe. fed. almost warm. i’m emotionally exhausted and i’m going to have a nap. i hope i don’t dream.
My Dad was asking me (asking ME!!!) how to cope with the threat of terror, since I was a Marine for 12 years and have a bit of stress management and counter-terrorism training.
I told him not to worry.
You see, if we worry, the terrorists win. Can we stop terrorists from striking? We can try, but what if we fail? We die? We get hurt? Sure, both of those end results suck, but what can we REALLY do before-hand? Worry? Why waste the energy?
I don’t worry about it. I’m not scared. The way I look at it, if I am killed or injured, I’ll deal with it then. There is no way in hell I’m going to live in fear of anyone. Now, this is not to say I won’t be vigilant. I will be always on the lookout for anything out of the ordinary or unusual. I’ll fight tooth and nail for my family, my country, my friends. But what I won’t do is let those bastards win by letting myself get scared.
Oh, and by the way, I’m not writing this to be patriotic or in a shallow attempt to make myself seem above this all. Neither could be further from the truth. I write what I think and what I feel, in my heart. I will be brave. I must.
bloo!