i’m getting serious butterflies when i’m around cute electrician boy. he’s everywhere i don’t expect him today. i turn a corner and there he is, staring at me. i feel stupid and nervous and i can’t for the life of me think of anything to say to him to get a conversation started. argh.
see? this is exactly why i’m 29 and single.
not thirty minutes ago, cute electrician boy talked to me in the hall! *sigh* he’s so dreamy.
i have a friend with an asian fetish; although, he hates it when i call it that. he’d rather name it — if it has to be named at all — an asian preference. bullshit. it’s a fetish. he lusts after asian chicks. he’s a rice king; although, he hates that name, too. he calls himself a rice prince. it’s all about the perception of impropriety, you see.
we were talking last night about all these beautiful asian girls he’s meeting and lusting after lately. i got quiet after a while. i didn’t have much to add to the conversation. i don’t see anything special about asian women. just as i don’t see anything special about italian men. “people are people,” to quote depeche mode.
getting to the root of it, it made me feel inadequate for not being asian. for being a hulking, caucasian girl with brown hair and round eyes and white skin. for not being a sylph. for not being mysterious and demure. i said to him at one point, “us poor caucasian girls just can’t compete.” he didn’t reply. he knew i was right.
i’d like to think i’m pretty open-minded about the people i lust after. yeah, i have a thing for accents; but, i’ll take almost any accent. i’ve had crushes on just about every kind of person i’ve been exposed to: white, black, asian, indian (east and native), european, boy, girl, old, young. i’m an equal-opportunity luster.
if i’m completely honest with myself, part of my discomfort with his preference is that i’ll never be one of the preferred. he may love me and value my friendship, but i’ll never been that “cute asian girl” he’s always talking about. it hurts. then again, it usually does when you reveal truths.
i spiffed up my templates page. take a look. tell me what you think.
in other giraffe news, i’ve added a new blog to my list of reads. we must all stand to welcome mecawilson, yet another minnesota blogger, to the fold. there must be something in those 10,000 lakes which breeds smart & funny.
sometimes i wonder about people. not about the stupid things they do; those i expect. i wonder about how the few of us who don’t accomplish these amazing feats of cruelty and stupidity manage to live beside the former in relative peace and ignorance. well, that’s until we find ourselves in their path, of course.
estivate (ES-tuh-vayt) verb To pass the summer in a dormant state.
that’s me! i’m estivating, baby.
it just dawned on me the amount of preferential hardware treatment i get at work. as mentioned earlier, i got a new computer yesterday. thinking back, this is the fourth computer i’ve had since i’ve been there. and, i haven’t even been here four years.
looking around the other offices, and even within my own department, there are people using older, slower machines while i keep getting upgraded every time a new batch of pcs arrives. i’m not sure why this is, maybe mike just likes me enough to let me have new bits. he knows i understand them and appreciate the upgrades. could it be the camradarie inherent in the brotherhood of geeks?
he’s probably just hoping i’ll sleep with him.
i honestly thought today was wednesday. i suppose it was wishful thinking. although, considering how slow the day is progressing so far, i should have known it was tuesday. tuesdays always drag.
i brought in the rest of the marble cake i bought saturday for my lovely co-workers. they’re lucky i’m so nice to them. actually, they don’t realize the only reason i bring this stuff in is so that i don’t eat it while it’s in my house. shh. don’t tell them. i want them to think i’m a kind, generous person. we’ll keep the truth between you and me.
i have to think up some interesting stuff to talk about while i’m guest-blogging for andrea next week. i’m sure my day’s posts will be filled with giddy “i just got high-speed access and i’m hyper” babble, seeing as it will be my first day with the cable modem (if they actually install it monday, as they’re supposed to). then again, that’s a tuesday… i’m usually sarcastic and mean on tuesdays. maybe she should have given me wednesday, instead.
how? let’s see: i overslept, but was not late. i hit every. fucking. red. light. on the way to work. i’m having issues trying to set up the new computer they gave me at work. the bitchy new payroll person i hate just dropped off a shitload of work. *sigh*
i need more coffee. and some heroin.
upon browsing in an amazing little consignment store, i said to the lady at the counter:
“i’d get my stomach stapled to be able to shop here!”
i can’t believe that i, being the reality tv junkie i am, didn’t know about reality blurred. now i’ll know everything there is to know about all my favourite tv shows!
shut up.
percolation, conversation,
laundry, quake, ambling,
bread buying,
pawn shops & consignment clothes, toast & ketchup,
aromatherapy therapy,
roasted peppers, hemp conditioner,
banana bread mission, salsa obsession,
kisses,
crab leg tango,
jello tasting, dq licking,
guest-star driver, tetris war,
video review,
horizontal heaven.
i’m trying not to care that i don’t get as many readers as i used to, or that my blog hasn’t been reviewed, or that i haven’t been asked to guest blog on anyone else’s site. i conveniently forget that i have a core of loyal readers who care what i have to say and, i believe, care about me, too.
if i wasn’t so nosy, i’d get rid of the site tracker. i need to get rid of the site tracker. someone please forcibly remove the site tracker for me.
i realized earlier today that wednesday was the eleventh anniversary of my grandmother’s death. i find it interesting that i’d remembered it was looming earlier in the week and then remembered that it had passed today, but was completely unware of it on the day of. what was certain was that i had been out of sorts at work all during that day. i was also sure that when i came home and was faced with an evening alone in my apartment, it was the last thing i needed. luckily, my friends were there to keep me company, no matter how subconscious my desire to be around the living was.
gummy, as i called her for the first half of my life, was my only living grandparent. both my father’s parents had died in the early sixties of alcohol related illnesses; my maternal grandfather had run his car off the road when my mother was only twenty-one. she was my only link to my family’s history. i treasured her more than anyone. i still do. but, her death scarred me. i still pick at that wound today. if i let myself think much beyond the surface of her existence in my life, i have a difficult time pulling myself out of the sorrow which follows.
i remember so many specifics about her: how she always had a package of chicklets in her purse; the way the soft, wrinkled skin of her cheek felt; the can of mandarine oranges she always had in her cupboard when i’d go to visit; her gravelly voice; her small, strong body; the fight she had with my mother outside my bedroom door when i was four years old — she wanted to come in to comfort me, but mom wanted me to learn a lesson; how, even when i was young and energetic, she could out-walk me so far that i’d have to call out and ask her to wait up.
the one thing i wish i didn’t remember about her is the way she looked at her viewing. i wish with all my heart that the last time i had seen her was while she was asleep in the bed she died in, not laid out on the table in the funeral home. they had brushed her hair back from her face and put makeup on her; two things id’ never seen in my entire life. i understand a person’s need to see the dead, to say goodbye, to obtain closure; but, that was not how i wanted to remember her. it’s taken me a long, long time to have that one, last memory fade. it hurt me to see her like that. to hear my uncle say “she’s so cold” after kissing her forehead.
eleven years i’ve lived without her in my life. it seems so short sometimes. i believe it is because her presence in my life was so pervasive that every memory from the first to that day in 1990 were larger, more important because she was part of them than any in the eleven years which have passed without her.
i love you, gummy. wherever you are. i will always love you.
i watched this great movie on showtime the last night (well, okay… i *taped* it and watched it over several days this week; but, i *finished* it last night.) called strange fits of passion. it’s about this woman’s quest to lose her virginity and come to grips with who she is. of course, this describes it much better than i ever could.
it’s an australian film, and we all know that australian films are generally smarter, funnier and more thought-provoking than any north american endeavours. i doubt you’ll be able to find it at blockbuster or video update, but if you have the chance to see it, do.
i couldn’t hit a red light on the drive home last night to save my life. i think i blew my old record for the return-commute out of the water. if only i’d thought to look at the clock before i left the parking lot. in retrospect, i think it was just the traffic gods giving me a bit of a break because they knew the bridge would be closed this morning and i’d have to fight to get to work today.
in other news, i think i’m addicted to quake. no, really. i got up at 5:15 this morning, got washed, dressed, etc. as i had time to kill, i sat at the computer and fired up quake. i looked at the clock what seemed a minute later and i’d already spent forty minutes playing. i’m making some good progress, actually. i just wish the limits for ammo were higher and it didn’t take so long to reload the fucking shotgun. anyway… oh. right. my point is that i haven’t felt such a need to play a game since lands of lore back in the mid-90’s. this is good, though. it’s theraputic to shoot the shit out of stroggs. right?
i got email from goddess this morning asking if i’m going to visit paige with her in october. i’d been looking at fares, yes. i’d thought about it, yes. but, all that looking and thinking was done in a “there’s no way she’d want me to come and interrupt her time with a friend” mindset. of course, i haven’t talked seriously about going with paige, herself, yet. there are also circumstances (mostly financial) i have to take into consideration. it’d be a nice trip. i have other friends in minnesota i could see while i’m there. i’m not going to worcester, as i usually do in the fall, so i’m not going to disappoint anyone by going elsewhere. i think it’s time to make a list.
i brought a box of donut holes to work this morning. i think it may have been an unconscious attempt to assuage myself of the guilt i’m feeling due to the complete lack of productivity i have experienced this week.
next time, remind me not to eat most of the karma-cleansing donuts myself.
i arrived home last night from my grueling day at work only to realize how uninspiring my life had become of late. so, i phoned meghan and talked her & mark into going to the pub for wings. it was good. we ate little chicken appendages, drank beer, played cards (nb: i slaughtered them, taking a combined total of $15 from them. go me.) and people-watched.
there was the middle-aged biker dude and his hawg mama with the decapitated vulture tattoo, the drunk man who insisted that if you were to own just one baseball cap it must be the yankees’, the schoolmate of ours whose girlfriend was very friendly, and the man in the suit who kept staring at us playing cards.
memorable quote:
“i don’t look at their faces… it’s all about the tits.”
after getting home and making lunch for today, i sat at the computer to play a little quake and the phone rang. this was odd, it being nine o’clock. too early for tyler to phone and i’d just been dropped off by meghan. as soon as i picked it up i had telemarketer anxiety. as it turns out, i had nothing to fear.
the very pleasant and perky young man was calling from the cable company to tell me about their new offer on cable internet access. it must have been the beer in me, but i have an appointment for 6pm monday, july 30th to have a cable modem installed — free for one month, no installation charges & if i cancel at the end of the thirty days, i get to keep the nic.
i’m very excited. this is something i’ve been procrastinating getting for a very long time. *zoom* that’ll be me online!
i can’t say as i’ve done any work today. i started on a project which was promptly taken away for further review. i’ve read some websites. i’ve helped fill some cabinets. i’ve collected presents from the-just-returned-from-vacation debbie (a rubber palm tree keychain & florida lighter, if you must know). i’ve gone out for lunch & bought my winning lottery ticket. i’ve priced plane tickets to minneapolis. i came *this close* to ordering myself a copy of american gods, but held out for the paperback. i’ve killed time. a lot of time. i’m hip-deep in the bloody entrails of all the time i’ve killed this day.
my boss is away for three weeks, effective tomorrow. this means that i: 1) get his parking spot; and, b) won’t have him looking through his new office window at what i’m doing on my computer. it’s going to be a little iffy though with the construction moves looming overhead. sometime in the very near future they’ll be gutting our office, but without the boss around as an intermediary, i’m sure we’ll walk in one morning to an empty room full of demolition men. it just better not happen on a payroll day.
i’m honoured that people are leaving such nice, positive comments about the new design. there are still a few things i’ll probably tweak, but for the most part i’m rather satisfied with the afternoon’s work on it. and i’m so totally in love with the little kitty. no, i didn’t draw it. i “borrowed” it from the m$ clipart gallery. i think i may have to add another mug to my store, this time with that cat on the side.
in other news… there is none. my life has been dull lately. quake progress has stalled as i can’t seem to jump high enough to get into the room which will allow me to open the doors i need to open. i’m also worried about my monitor at home. it’s developed this ugly vertical stripe down the right hand side of the screen. it’s only four years old, i shouldn’t have to replace it so soon. time to start saving up for a flat-panel display.
the fitness room at work is finally open again, so i’ve been trying to get in there at least every other day to get some weights lifted and try to rebuild the muscles i’ve let dissolve in the last few months. oddly, when i start working out, my appetite decreases accordingly. you’d think it would make me hungrier. as a result, i haven’t been eating so much the last few days. this is always a good thing.