Author Archives: Heather

this morning i asked wade to come live with me for spring.
i told him he could be my springtime boyfriend. we’d enjoy long walks, long talks, long makeout sessions. basically do all the things you’re supposed to do during spring. at the end of the season he could go back home and return to his life in edmonton and we’d both have these great memories to hold dear.
of course, i totally ripped off the idea from that movie with keanu and charlize, but what’s wrong with it? why can’t we have really intense, short term relationships that last only a season or two and then move on to a new experience?
unfortunately, no one is going to uproot their lives like that to get the full benefit of such an arrangement. you’d have to really devote yourself to being there with the other person one-hundred percent of the time. otherwise, it’s just any old relationship with distractions and diversions.
that being said, my bed is really big and i’d make a really great seasonal girlfriend. it’s just enough time to be dazzled by my sparkliness, but not long enough to get really annoyed by my glitches. c’mon, who wants to move in for a season?

best. weekend. ever.

i don’t do anything in moderation. when i find something new that i like, i want to do it ALL the time.
if i find some new food i like, i want to eat it for every meal until i get sick of it. if i find a new band i like, i listen to them on repeat for weeks. if i find a new show i like, i want to watch it every day. if i find a new book i love, i’ll forgo everything to read it as fast as i can. if i find a person i like, i’ll want to spend all my time talking to or being with them.
i’ve never really considered this aspect of my personality too closely. i know that people think i’m kind of weird, but hey, we’re all kind of weird. some people are just better at hiding it. i was thinking about this obsessive piece of me because i’ve recently found a couple of people i want to talk to ALL the time and i’m trying really hard to trottle back on the impulse to be overbearing in my desire to see them. i think i’m doing okay on one front, but i know i’m not on the other.
of course, this all goes doubly-, and possibly triply-, so for kissing.

there’s no thinking about it, now: i’m sick. thank god for my humidifier, though. i’d hate to imagine how i’d have woken up without it. it’s still going to be a long day, though.
went downtown to meet karen for dinner (fish & chips at the lennox) and a movie (hitch) last night. i can’t believe i haven’t seen her since the beginning of january! i’m a bad person.
it must be spring, because i’ve had sex on the brain all stupid week long. anybody want to come over and make out?
there could be something wrong with how excited i am about being able to go straight home tonight, get into my pjs, do as much or as little as i care to and go to bed as early at 8:30 if i’m so inclined.
there is a very thin line between sensual and sleezy. i feel sorry for those people who will never learn where it is.
no, really, does anyone want to come over and smooch for a couple of hours?
i love daffodils.
you know what makes me unreasonably happy? coming home to find a voicemail message from someone left only because they wanted me to have someone saying “welcome home” at the end of a hard day.
now, about that kissing…
amendment: jeremy points out that i invited kissing immediately after stating i’m diseased. it’s not a gross kind of sick, just a low-level stuffy head, weary, body ache sick. and, really, once symptoms present, you’re not contagious any longer, so c’mon… bring on the kissing!

the other day at work a guy checked out my butt. i actually caught him craning his neck to see my ass. the weirdest part is that you really don’t have to try to check my butt, it pretty much engulfs your entire field of vision. hell, it almost enters a room before i do, even when i’m walking in face-front. i just found it interesting that someone would make an effort for a peek. weird.
work is pissing me off. i don’t give a shit about class. i think i’m catching a cold. i haven’t had enough proper sleep in over a week (which is at the root of all my crankiness, i think). i need to recharge, but that’s not looking like it’s going to happen this week. i’ve plans with karen tonight, will probably be working late thursday, friday and half of saturday, and then i’m going out with m&m(&d) for the first time in months.
it’s not that i’m not having fun seeing all these people and going away or out or even working hard, but i know myself well enough to have to find some serious quality alone time so i can settle back down again or things will only get more overwhelming and i’ve been feeling far too good lately to jeopardize that.

remember the good ol’ days when you’d meet someone online and then you’d move to the next big step of talking on the phone? you’d be all nervous waiting for the phone to ring, practicing your hello or your laugh, hoping that other person wouldn’t think you sounded like a moron. when the phone finally rang and you started that conversation, if you were lucky, you’d totally hit it off and the call would last for hours.
yeah, i’d totally forgotten about that. it’s kind of a rush.
i’d also totally forgotten what it means to try to wake up the next day after being on the phone until one a.m. laughing and yakking. that’s not a rush. that’s nasty bad.

there’s so much to say, yet i don’t know where to start or how much i want to share.
seeing Adrian again was as good as i hoped and better than i expected. it’s been very near ten years since we last met and, for me, it was a much better experience this time around. not that the first time was bad, it was as good as could be expected considering we were practically strangers and i had even fewer social skills than i have now. this time, we chatted effortlessly and it was all-around a more easy experience. at least for me.
Diane, Adrian’s girlfriend and travel-mate, is an amazing woman. brilliant, funny, adorable, so sweet… i’m so glad i got the opportunity to meet her. i’m not even buttering her up because she said my place was really clean and she couldn’t stop saying complementary things about my website.
inspired by my lovely, interesting, fun, kind and world-wandering houseguests, i packed up a backpack and headed over to victoria for the weekend. i’ve been avoiding invitations to stare at jason’s fishes for months, but for whatever reason, this time was different.
Adrian and Di dropped me off at the ferry on their way back to amerika and set off on my island adventure. i was very early, so i took some photos, read some of my book and shared kindness with strangers. you know, those terminals and boats going to victoria are way nicer than the boats that go to nanaimo. i’ve been totally missing out all these years.
jason picked me up on the other side. he showed me his awesome apartment in the forest and introduced me to all of his fishes. we drove to james bay where i made him take me to have something delicious and hot made for me by my very favourite jim, whose face i had never before seen move. it was very exciting. i may even have had tremulous hands. after caffeinating ourselves, jay and i had a tourist driving tour of downtown, where i remembered that i’m actually very fond of victoria and i wondered why it is i hardly ever go there.
groceries were purchased, movies were rented and then it was back to the forest for an evening of vodka, talking, edward norton and fish-staring.
the way home was probably the best part. you see, jason drives trucks. big trucks. semi-trailer towing trucks. he had to head over the pond to make his way up into the middle of the province to pick up some apples today, so he brought me back in his big, semi-towing truck. his truck with a bed in the back, for pete’s sake. a bed! i hid in the back when we got to the ferry. i stole a ride on a ferry! then, instead of going upstairs to enjoy the many amenities provided for our benefit, we hung out in the back of the truck watching jersey girl on his laptop. now that’s the way to travel. BYOB: bring your own bed.
i was so residually excited about the truck ride i didn’t even mind that he dropped me off at one of the scariest skytrain stations there is for me to make it the rest of the way home. that actually turned out really well, because of who i met on my bus: davin! it almost made me forget about the drunk guy with the ten-speed puking on the seabus right across the aisle from me. almost.

i’m utterly exhausted physically. i’d love nothing better than to go straight to my freshly laundered bed right this very second and stay there until monday morning. but, there are two reasons why i won’t. one, is that Adrian and Diane are coming tonight! he just called from the car and they’re no more than half an hour from being my first ever non-related-to-me or non-smooched-upon houseguests! i really hope they don’t think my place is gross or scary. that’d suck.
the second reason is in the photo. all week, my sleep has been restless and tedious thanks to the incessant uniform dreams. on monday it was a double-whammy: i dreamt of ARRAYS OF UNIFORMS! oy. they’re also why i’m physically exhausted. i’m a clerk. i’m not used to being on my feet all day. bending over boxes. lugging uniforms. running back and forth and up and down. my feet… oh, my poor feet. then there’s my back.
amazingly, though, through all this, i’ve been really okay. there’s some situational stress, and there’s the annoying dreams, but i’m not that stressed about the process in general. i’m making the best of a really craptastic situation and my supervisor and manager know that if i weren’t there it would be a colossal clusterfuck (even more than it already is, if you could imagine) so they’re really grateful and willing, FINALLY, to give me some of the things i need to get the work done.
anyway, enough about. i’ve an aussie on his way over! how bloody cool is that, mate?

i spent the weekend doing one of two things: thinking about doing homework or doing homework. amazingly, thanks to my java GOD, ritchie, and a lot of diet pepsi, i am currently one nullpointerexception away from having a working program. i honestly had no confidence in my ability to get even this close to done, so you can understand my (restrained) glee, yes?
i’ve realized that i don’t really give a crap about the course i’m taking, or the course i’m going to be taking next term. i’m only in it to finish what i started, which is admirable, but it’s seriously affecting my work ethic in regards to homework, obviously.
life is so much easier to handle when you’re well-rested. i slept a lot the last few nights and that’s definitely helped to calm me down from the mini-breakdown i had at work on friday afternoon. i went into the back to take a look at what it is that needs to be accomplished this week and i had such overwhelming feelings of futility and frustration with how much everything has gotten fucked up that i started to cry, and spent the rest of the afternoon on the verge of tears any time anyone mentioned uniforms. which was often.
poor debbie, she’s so upset that all of this is landing on me and i’m crying because of it. of all the things TAIP fucked up, this uniform clusterfuck is probably one of the worst. although, in her defense (yeah, i’m feeling generous today), it’s been fucked around with so much since she left it’s probably twice as bad as it was. i had everything sussed out and it would have worked just fine, but no… too many cooks. blah.
that’s okay, though. thursday night my aussie friend Adrian and his girlfriend are coming to stay at my place. i’m so excited to see him again. i can’t believe it’s been almost ten years. crazy!

too. tired. to. breathe.

no time. training my relief floater this morning. oy. i barely know what i’m doing, how the hell can i train someone else?

my mid-term last night sucked. i don’t get java. too many files, too many new’s, too many getters and setters. thank god i’m going to get some personal instruction from ritchie tomorrow night. unfortunately, it’s too late for my mid-term; but, it’s just in time to help me with my big assignment.
on the way to work this morning, i very much wanted to stop my car on the middle of the bridge to take photos of the absolutely brilliant lavender sky with the juicy full moon just hovering above vancouver island. i really need to go scope out vantage points to get good, unobstructed shots of sunrises. one day, i will actually get out at dawn to capture the sun rising from the end of indian arm.
i need to stop waiting.

thanks for the support and advice yesterday. i know it’s hard to tell what with the once-a-day nature of the blog, but by the time i’d written about my bloo weekend, i was already on the mend. whee, hessie-coaster!
currently, i’m completely stressed about my car. three years after i quit, my car has now taken up the smoking habit. there’s some sort of oil leak and once the engine gets up to temperature and it’s stopped at a light or something, smoke puffs up from underneath the hood. isn’t that lovely? obviously, it’s going through a lot of oil what with the burning, so i opened up the lid to add some the other week and found an actual puddle of oil on top of the engine. a little divot was entirely filled with 10w30. yeah. great. i don’t know if it’s related to the three different gaskets/seals which were replaced in november, but whatever it is, i really just want to ignore it. so i am. if i remember correctly oil isn’t flammable in the traditional sense, so it’s not like the engine will burst into flame or anything.
of course, that’s not all which is wrong with my car. there’s this ominous *thunk* every time the vehicle mass shifts forward (think: braking or going downhill). i think it’s the rear strut. oh, and the rattling somewhere in the driver-side rear quarterpanel. and the fact i’ve lost 70km of mileage per tank since november. we can’t forget the muffler which muffles nothing and the high-pitched vibration which comes from the right rear quadrant when i accelerate to highway speeds after the on-ramp.
what gets my goat is that repairs to solve these problems will cost more than the car is worth and they’re all coming to a head right when i’m in the middle of grabbing my finances by the balls and declaring myself master of my money. i no longer have any credit cards and only so much cash on hand for unforseen expenditures. i’m not willing to blow my savings on the car. it’s ridiculous. so, my decision about getting rid of my vehicle may be taken completely out of my hands. which, now that i think about it, is actually kind of liberating.

i overcame my oppressive funk and got myself out of the apartment sunday and over to mel’s place for a delightful (if late: i’m still sorry!) brunch with her, her chris and her kitty, boots. on the way home, i kind of wished i’d taken the bus so i could have enjoyed more of the glorious weather we’re having here of late. the city is so beautiful at this time of year. brilliant sunshine, clear, crisp skies, people out and about. *bliss*
on thursday last week, i got a very exciting email. Adrian, my aussie friend, let me know that he’s in los angeles with his girl and they’re hoping to make it up this way and did i want to meet up with them while they’re in the neighbourhood? silly boy. i told him, absolutely, yes! and they must stay with me so they can get more than half a day of vancouver on their itinerary. i’m so thrilled. i love Adrian to pieces and, come august, it will have been ten years since i saw him last. we’re definitely due for a visit. *glee* i’m so glad i now have all this room for guests! i could never had fit them in the old place.
it’s been no secret i’ve been really… down lately. i don’t know what’s going on especially considering it comes at a time when i’m taking some serious control of aspects of my life which were utterly chaotic. maybe it’s a backlash from that? maybe it’s fear of the consequences of my recent actions causing me to regress and hermit and push people away?
i feel like it’s time for lots and lots of change, but there’s so much internal resistance, i procrastinate or i do self-destructive things even at the same time as i’m making positive steps towards a healthy future. god, why are we, as people, so fucking complicated? what’s with our brains that they actually fight us when we’re doing the right thing?

uh…

there’s a point in every woman’s life where she needs to realize that she’s too old to continue wearing that thin, black, liquid eyeliner. please, stop wearing the scary liquid line. it’s going to frighten your grandchildren. seriously.
there’s a point when celebrating your very large weight loss by wearing stretchy tights and showing off your fabulous new legs is enough and you need to go out and buy yourself some pants that don’t cling so obsessively. those khakis are much more flattering.
please don’t hit my ass with your shopping basket/purse/child while i’m waiting in the checkout line. yes, i’m impatient too, but that doesn’t give me the right to shove at the person in front of me. it won’t speed up the cashier any. and yes, i know my ass is big, but do you really need to remind me of that fact by jabbing at it repeatedly?
you know when you’re looking forward to something a whole bunch and then you get some news and it looks like it will all be ruined and you feel that little thing inside you go *twang* with the disappointment? you really want to start saying things like “but..” or “you promised” or “goddammit, that fucking sucks” but instead you realize that it’s totally not worth the effort of complaining or getting upset because, really, so what? you just can’t decide if it’s apathy or optimism which is fueling the indifference.