so, i’m reading this book and it’s smutty. i mean, really smutty. not with “throbbing hardness”es and “womanly centre”s either. i’m talking all the four-letter words to describe people’s naughty bits. and the main characters are spending a lot of time getting to know each other’s bits and pieces in great detail.
i have no problem with all of that. in fact, i’m quite enjoying it. but, what i realized is that these two characters have been spending all this time doing things that naked people do and no one’s had to go to the bathroom. why doesn’t fiction include the less-than-polite side of human bodily functions? they write about other sensations and functions of the human excretory system, but they never talk about what it’s like to have a poop in your significant other’s bathroom for the first time.
why is that? i mean, it’s a natural function of the human body, just like all that sex they’re having. they’re eating and drinking to replenish their strength, why aren’t they excreting, too?
i really hope i’m not the only person to wonder about that. ahem.
there’s nothing better than to spend an evening with two of your most favourite people on the planet, eating, talking, playing and laughing so hard your chest hurts and you’re gasping for air. thank god for m&m.
the rest of my weekend was spent in an apathetic stupor. i barely managed to get anything accomplished, or at least it felt that way at the time. maybe i should make a list of the things i got done so i don’t feel like such a useless tit.
– got up early saturday morning and went to ikea to fetch karen’s xmas present and drool over the desk i’m lusting after.
– did four loads of laundry.
– made a huge pot of turkey chili and a batch of rice so i shouldn’t have to cook much at all this week. yay.
– washed about a zillion plastic containers and utensils.
– made my art swap crafty items (i daren’t talk about in detail of in case they come peeking).
– started knitting a scarf with this lovely, soft grey wool i couldn’t say no to when i saw it at the craft store (don’t ever let me go to the craft store).
– burned a bunch of cds/installed a bunch of software/cleaned out my ftp directory.
– read a bunch.
okay, that’s a little better. not much, but at least i know i did something. tonight, i hope to have dinner with karen and tomorrow i need to either clean my bathroom or bake some cookies for our departmental xmas lunch wednesday. i also need to phone my papa and find out what night is good for my step-uncle and i to take him out for a birthday dinner.
this is going to be a very long day. i was utterly unsleepy last night and had to force myself to turn everything off and lie down at midnight else i would have been up all night long. of course, i’m now completely cranky and overtired because of it. be glad you don’t work with me today. it’s gonna be hessmonster madness hereabouts.
it is without doubt or question that i will go to see this movie when it comes out in theatres. i will most likely go alone, to an evening showing, where it will be quiet and mostly empty and i will be able to lose myself in the story.
being an art history student (albeit a lackluster and of a highly classical temperment one), vermeer was, of course, one of my favourite artists. although i spent a lot of time in the renaissance with the italians, i could easily have gotten lost in the dutch masters. it’s said vermeer captured light like no other, and it’s true. his paintings are a spectacular example of perfectionism gone right. you truly can feel the light as if it were illuminating your own profile.
i wish i could compose words with enough emotion and detail to explain to you the feelings his work evokes in me and the utter, giddy excitement i’m experiencing by just knowing this movie has been made.
so, there’s this thing called biscotti. it’s rather tasty and usually crunchy and you can buy them in all those coffeeshops that are everywhere except when you really want a gingerbread latte on your way to work but there isn’t a Single Freaking Starbucks on your Entire Route To Work, but i digress. biscotti are usually almond and oranged flavoured and often dipped in chocolate. i enjoy a good biscotti every now and again. they’re like amaretto for the masticating set.
however, i did not enjoy making biscotti.
maybe it’s my inferior work space. maybe it’s my improper utensils. maybe i took them out too soon or my knife was wrongly suited. regardless, the making of the biscotti was a stressful endeavour i’m not sure i care to repeat.
just so you all know, i put away my recipe binder last night. the baking has been completed. although, i reserve the right to make just one more batch of mint chocolate chip cookies to use up the applesauce i won’t otherwise eat. now comes the sharing of the goodies. this is really my favourite part.
speaking of sharing goodies, i haven’t forgotten about my promise of the nanaimo bar recipe. here it is, unfortunately sans photographs:
nanaimo bars (my auntie bev’s recipe)
1/2 c butter
5 tbsp sugar
5 tbsp cocoa
1 tsp vanilla
1 egg
2 c graham cracker crumbs
1 c unsweetened coconut
1/2 c chopped walnuts
1/4 c butter, softened but not melted
3 tbsp milk
2 1/2 tbsp bird’s custard powder
2 c icing sugar
1 tbsp butter
175g package milk chocolate chips (approx. 1 1/2 c)
combine first five ingredients in saucepan and blend over low heat until smooth. add the graham crumbs, coconut and walnuts. mix until well incorporated. spread in an ungreased 9″x9″ square pan and press to form level, firm base. refridgerate.
combine the 1/4 c butter, milk, custard powder and icing sugar. beat until smooth. spread evenly over first layer. chill for one hour, until custard layer is firm.
melt chocolate chips and butter and spread evenly over custard layer. chill half an hour. cut into squares (i cut 25 per pan because they’re very rich and very sweet) and chill entire pan until serving time. hold at room temperature for fifteen minutes before serving. i find that inverting the pan onto a board or platter is a much easier way of extracting the squares from the pan than trying to pick them out, but your mileage may vary.
enjoy!
hoping that our mail server at work would be fixed by this morning (actually, i totally forgot it was broken, but it was six a.m.), i dutifully emailed my nanaimo bar recipe to myself in order that i could post it today. unfortunately, the technical difficulties have their own agenda. if i remember after the dentist and before the biscotti making experiment, i will try to post it tonight, complete with a photo of what the finished product should look like.
someone i’ve been emailing for a short while told me that my writing style is like that of jack kerouac’s. having never read anything of his, despite being told that on the road is required reading for twenty-something hipsters (i’m neither twenty-something nor a hipster, so it stands to reason), i can’t tell if it was a lovely compliment or a subtle dig. was he calling me pretentious? probably not, but there is a small possibility of which i’m choosing to ignore utterly in my most pollyanna of manners.
today, i’m going to try to make pretty web things for work. i don’t often get a chance to make pretty web things due to the daily drudgery of being a human scanner. i think this is a good time for me to be making pretty web things. i’m oddly inspired to create at the present. i’m liking the making of the prose and the making of the cookies and even the making of the photographs. i’ll even be completing the making of the secret art exchange items this weekend, which i’m really rather excited about.
all right, that’s enough talking. time to start the doing. happy hump day!
my perfect guy would be tall, dark-haired (whether long, short or shaved) and have deep eyes (dark brown is nice, but so are dark blue). i wouldn’t even mind if his lashes were longer than mine. he’d have clean, well-organized teeth (no tartar build-up or gums showing when he smiles, please) and a five o’clock shadow at noon. he would take off his shirt the hot way, wear only boxers or boxer briefs and never, ever wear his socks to bed. he’d smell like leather, calvin klein’s obsession for men and a little, tiny bit of tobacco.
my perfect guy would put his hand on the small of my back when he ushered me though a door before him. he would watch hockey and csi and help me through the hard bits in video games. he would laugh at my jokes and i would laugh at his. he’d be content to kiss me for three hours, with all our clothes still on. he’d be outwardly aloof, but would surprise me with tokens and gestures of affection so poignant i’d want to melt completely away. he wouldn’t mock me for being a scaredy cat in new situations, but praise me when i finally went through with what had me worried.
my perfect guy would kill the spiders and never, ever pretend to chase me around with one in his hand. he’d know that while flowers are nice, i’d be more excited by something techy or a new pen. he’d let me hold the popcorn. he’d pretend he didn’t hear me snoring. he’d come up behind me and kiss my neck or the top of my head just because he could. he’d answer all my stupid car questions. he’d reach the tall things. he’d know how i take my coffee. he’d spoon me until i fell asleep.
my perfect guy would think i’m beautiful, smart, witty and interesting. he would love my touch, my taste and my smell. he would find me challenging and liberating. he would miss me when i’m gone and treasure me while i’m with him. he would love me yet not need to smother me. he would be mine and i would be his.
i’m in far too good a mood to be at work. i had such an overall great, fun, productive weekend! the only thing wrong with it was not playing cards with m&m&d again. it totally throws my life out of whack without that part of my routine. that’s okay, cards is on the calendar for this coming saturday. literally. and i’m showing up regardless of any other schedule changes. at the very least, i could search around for my xmas present!
speaking of xmas presents, they’re seriously pissing me off this year. i finally figured out what to get my dad and dean, i had m&m’s presents figured out months ago, and mom just wants cash for her vegas trip in march. that’s the bulk of it, but karen and brenda have me completely stymied. i think i’ll just ask karen what she wants for her new apartment or get her an ikea gift certificate or something similar. as for brenda, i don’t want to spend too much, but karen already got her movie gift certificates, so that option’s closed. ugh. i suppose two gifts left with two weeks to go isn’t that bad. i wish everyone had an amazon wish list.
all right, i have a rant. why don’t people signal when they’re driving? don’t they realize that your indicators are they only way other drivers have clue as to what’s going on in your addled mind? the same goes for brake lights. dear god, how many times have i seen cars with completely non-functioning brake lights?! what kind of moron thinks it’s acceptable to drive without working brake lights? yeah, yeah. “but i can’t see my brake lights to know if they’ve gone out!” uh, i don’t know about you, but i actually check mine. while i’m warming up my car in the mornings i usually flick on and check all my turn indicators and ensure my brake lights are all working. it’s really not that hard and, honestly, i’d rather do that than find someone’s bumper up my ass because they didn’t know what my vehicular intentions were. it’s only a flick of your finger, people. do it.
nothing exciting. ordered swanky new glasses. had dinner with daddy. went to a party. got lots of nice compliments. danced. got a kiss on the cheek from a very cute boy. baked, baked, baked. talked on the phone a lot (for me). took out the trash. washed clothes. threw out another of my favourite bras because the underwire decided to make a break for freedom (this trauma is compounded by the fact it was my ralph lauren bra). listened to old cds. flossed.
yeah, i think that about covers it. what about you?
listening to my boss play guitar for us this morning has brought my craving for piano lessons to the top of my brain again. i have a guitar i could learn how to play, but i don’t think it’s for me (and not just because my hands are too little and the neck is too big and i really hate having to cut my nails so short and it just plain hurts until you get your calluses). how often do you see a guitarist reading music? i like reading music. i was awfully good at it at one point. pianists read music and i was awfully fond of playing piano. if i hadn’t had performance anxiety and judyjudyjudy the scary tennant hadn’t moved out and taken her piano with her, i might have kept on playing. then again, i might also have kept up with gymnastics and gone to the olympics, too. (i tried a lot of stuff, but i didn’t keep up with much at all.)
i’ve actually thought, occasionally, of getting a digital piano so that i could play and practice in the comfort of my own hovel and flex the creative side of my brain. luckily for me, the price has been prohibitive. that’s not to say i wouldn’t dump a thousand bucks on something i thought i’d use a lot (see: new computer and digital camera), but i know myself far too well. i’d play piano like a crazy person for a couple of months until i either became bored or overwhelmed with other committments (read: homework) and then the keyboard would sit in the corner my guitar now occupies getting dusty and making me feel guilty every time i looked at it.
there are so many things i’d love to do but i always seem to run out of time. i’ve been pretty good this past week, what with the moving and errands and baking and cleaning, but i can feel that starting to slip away already. i’m always running out of time. especially on weeknights. i like sleeping, so i tend to go to bed early by most standards. it’s not unusual for me to be in bed by 9pm on a monday-friday. unfortunately, that means i have only about four and a half hours to come home, cook/eat dinner, watch anything on the tv i want to watch and do anything else i want to do. it’s just not a lot of time. maybe i should start snorting coke or taking methamphetamines to relinquish my sleep requirement (or, like lorne on angel, get my sleep removed!). just think of all the stuff i could accomplish (if i threw my tv out)! i could become a world renowned something-or-other of this-or-that. i’d be famous for stuff or really good at other stuff what with all that extra time to hone. you’d think someone would have figured this out years ago and got something on the market. maybe that will be my claim to fame!
naw, i think i’ll go have a nap instead.
not only did i make jeremy’s nanaimo bars last night, i also baked three dozen mint chocolate chip cookies and made a huge batch of peppermint bark. i was a holiday goody making machine! just think, that’s only a third, or maybe only a quarter, of the stuff i have to do. doh.
i have a date on friday night with an older gentleman. he’s making me dinner at his place. i’m quite excited about it as i haven’t had a chance to have a meal with my dad in a long while. (hah! got you, didn’t i!)
mbna is evil. that is all.
my “talk nerdy to me” shirt arrived yesterday. if you’re at all curious, there’s a new cam shot of me in it (link to the left, under “things). the shirt looks good. i, on the other hand, look like shite. i’m really kind of pissed off that i’ve gotten this hugeoid zit on my face right before the company xmas party this saturday. i’m supposed to be beautiful and polished, not blotchy and spotted.
i can’t write for shit anymore. i have nothing to say that’s at all interesting to anyone. blah blah blah. i don’t take any photographs because i haven’t gone anywhere interesting to look at and my friends hate it when i either try to take pictures of them or stop to take pictures of something else. my site is boring and a waste of disk space, although, i still think my little squirrels are adorable.
i might get my hair chopped off this weekend, before the party. that was what i was thinking about before i fell asleep last night. i was only keeping it long through apathy and because the boy who doesn’t like me back likes longlong hair very much. sad, but true. he was probably the last reason why i didn’t get it hacked months ago. now, well, it doesn’t matter at all what the fuck he thinks of my hair since the longlong hair didn’t make him love me, the shortshort hair probably won’t make him hate me. then again, i’m broke and i don’t think i want to trust a serious head-top renovation to the $13 haircut place.
i’ve got stacie orrico’s ‘more to life‘ stuck in my head. i first heard it on the god channel a while back and now it’s being played on the mainstream pop station. it’s catchy and not too preachy and it’s not as sexually charged as that stupid nickelback song i had in my head which made the boy issues even worse. i haven’t cried in two days (unless i’m blocking something out). that’s got to mean progress, right?
i’m way too young to be this old.
well, the nanaimo bars didn’t get made. first, i got overwhelmed with the dishes and lunch-cooking i had to do and then the power kept going off and on thanks to the weather we were having (which was actually very fun. i love weather.). so, i chatted to meghan when she phoned to check the scope of the outage (which blew my plan to go hang out at her house until the lights came back on) and then i futzed about getting the kitchen ready for my bake-a-thon tonight. then, just as i was getting into bed, tyler phoned and kept me up until almost midnight in the best possible way. he makes me feel all warm inside. i’ve missed talking to him.
today i’m wearing my new steve madden shoes i bought but didn’t wear because i needed heel-liners. well, i got the liners on the weekend and today i’m three inches taller than normal. they’re really cute. i just hope i don’t fall off them.
oh, jenn, i’ll post my nanaimo bar recipe sometime this week. i mean, really, it’s almost shameful the entire world doesn’t know the goodness that is the nanaimo bar.
i’m mostly recovered from the Great Move of ’03 which is what i’m calling the pathetically unorganized and under-equipped move we made on sunday. next time, we need to borrow a truck. any truck. and invite more people to join in the lifting and carrying. it was a lot of fun! who wouldn’t be up for joining in? *cough*
seeing as i got more than my weekly allotment of walking back and forth, i decreed that there would be no need to exercise this week (not that there was much threat of it in the forecast, mind you). i happened to forget, as i made this declaration, that i am no longer in possession of the coveted personalized parking spot mere steps from the front door and elevator at my place of employment. a co-worker and department-brethren outbid me by four measley dollars. four dollars! it’s seeming a very small price to pay to not have to walk so very far and up so many stairs every morning. already this week (and it’s only tuesday, mind) i’ve walked up more stairs than i’ve climbed in a month.
oh, the humanity!
just in case you can’t tell, i am playing it up for dramatic effect. yes, i kind of miss my vanity spot. yes, it is a lot longer from my car to the inside now. but, no, i don’t think walking further and climbing stairs is a fate worth than death. god knows i could use it.
i had vivid dreams involving gas stations, car chases, houseboats and a very intimate encounter with a boy i know but haven’t met yet. i like dreaming very much.
tonight, i will make nanaimo bars.
i’ve spent more time in starbucks in the last week then i have in the last year. i could get quite addicted to coffeeshop culture. by the way, gingerbread lattes are not disgusting, no matter what jim might say.
everybody, this is karen. karen, this is everybody. i’ve known her for a very long time and, no matter how many times i think i know, i can never, ever seem to figure out how old she is.
neat houses seen while walking to/from ‘bucks.
i was bored while waiting for karen. my car is kind of dusty inside. i should do something about that.
this is karen’s new apartment (before we moved all her stuff into it). i’m insanely jealous at how big, bright and one-bedroomy it is, but i’m so very happy that she’s now free from her roommate hell. she deserves it.
soon, all of these ingredients will be magically transformed in to tasty holiday goodies by the mystical baking powers handed down to me through generations of domestic goddesses.
it’s been a very long and very productive weekend. i feel like i need another day off just to sloth about. my car now has new tires, my friend is all moved in, a whole whack of household stuff has been accomplished. the only thing i wanted to do but didn’t was to play cards with m&m&d. i suppose i shouldn’t complain. although, i won’t get to play next weekend either as that’s the company xmas party. then again, i get to wear my dress to that, so it almost makes up for it. i’m going to look so damn cute!
there’s something to be said for familiar ground, i suppose.
this year has been an education for me with respect to the male species: there was the boy who loved me, whom i cared for but couldn’t commit happily-ever-after to. then there was the boy who just wanted to get naked with me, whom i thought i had a crush on but it turned out i just thought he was cute. then there was the boy-from-the-past who came back into my life and reignited a spark of holy-shit-i-think-i’m-very-nearly-in-love, who, it turns out, ain’t at all interested in me in that way.
at least i’m back to the place from which i know myself best. single, with no prospects, a lingering heartache from recent bruising and a self-preserving desire never to want to be with another boy ever again.
yes, i know it’s melodramatic, but hey, i’m a thirty-one year old woman who’s never really had a successful, healthy, long-term relationship with a stable boy. at some point, you’ve just got to give up trying or you risk the madness.
despite all that, i’m really not as hopeless as that all sounds, i’m just a wee bit spontaneously weepy today, and i could blame that on the hormones if i really wanted to. besides, who could feel bad when they look as good as i do today?
i’m going to jump to the conclusion that today is going to be a very quiet day on the internet thanks to all you south-of-the-forty-niners getting four days off to eat, shop and watch football, lucky bastards.
i used to get all annoyed that americans got four days off for thanksgiving while we, up here in canadia, only got three, then i realized that they only get one day off for xmas while we, in our lovely british wannabeism, get two thanks to the strange holiday known as the day of the boxes.
suddenly, i didn’t mind the four days of botched television programming and not talking to my absent american friends (because, really, who can understand someone with a turkey leg sticking out of their maw?). they didn’t know the joy of boxing day sales and getting to stay home for a whole TWO days in the middle of the cold and dark season. those poor bastards.
while the sweet potatoes are topped with marshmallows (diabetic special!) and the green beans sprinkled with fried onions (yay coronary!), i’m happily enjoying the knowledge that i don’t have to look at a single piece of C for an entire seven weeks.
yes, kids, my final exam has been written. i’ve received a pardon, albeit temporary, from the trauma which was C. although, if i did as badly as i predicted, i may be right back in the same class next term. i left twelve marks unanswered, so the absolute best i can hope for is 88%, but that’s like counting on running into your soulmate while sitting on the couch, eating captain crunch from the box, wearing your bunny pajamas and scratching your ass. it just ain’t gonna happen. i’ve crunched the numbers and the absolute best grade i can get is 83% the worst i can get, while still passing the course is 56%. i suppose i’ll be happy with whatever i get in between them.
if you use moveable type, you should be aware of a serious flaw in the mt-send-entry.cgi script which spammers can use to send spam through your mail server. there aren’t any real fixes for it in the forums as yet, but you can protect yourself by changing the name or moving the file.
otherwise, today is my sixth anniversary with my company. it’s really hard for me to believe that i’ve been coming here and sitting in this chair, looking out this window and talking to these same people for six years already. then again, there are some days when it feels like i’ve been doing it forever. this is also the longest i’ve ever worked at any one place.
let’s have some math fun:
6 years =
294 weeks (not including vacations) =
1,470 days =
11,760 hours =
705,600 minutes =
42,336,000 seconds
wow, that’s pretty scary. now, if i also calculate the 50km i drive to/from work every day, i’ve put 73,500 kilometres on my car since i started here. i’ve also eaten out, on average, once per week, which makes approximately 294 lunches out.
just think, only 239,904,000 seconds until retirement!
update: go go gadget trotts! downloard or remove, the fix is yours to choose. thank jeremy for the news.
hurrah! it’s gingerbread latte season at starbucks again!
You are DNA. You’re a smart person, and you appear incredibly complex to people who don’t know you. You’re incomparably full of information, and most of it is useless.
[thanks donna]
oh, btw, i’ve figured it out. i don’t really need anti-depressants to regulate my moods, i just need midol. although, i’m not sure which is worse, the moods or these fucking cramps. ugh.
here’s a link to make all the bloated, crampy girls feel better about themselves: fat girls are gorgeous.
you have to look past the typography issues and unfortunate colour scheme and the almost-naked photos of the author, but once you do, he’s got an empowering message for those of us who despair of ever being loved for being rounder than average.