Author Archives: Heather

overslept. rush rush! headache from all the fucking wringing bells around here. no, that isn’t a typo. don’t you get it?

this is my daddy & me at xmas. when the guy i don’t know was taking our picture, he said “c’mon! get closer! you love your father, don’t you?” hence the stupid pose on my part. otherwise, it’s not that bad a photo, i suppose. considering i think it’s the first of the two of us since graduation (in 1990 *cough*) i’m glad it got taken.

i’m craving diet root beer and yoghurt.

i don’t think this is going to be a very good day.
my limbs are all tingly and my head is fuzzy. i feel like i need more sleep, but i know that if i were at home in bed i would only turn and toss. the time is going by too slowly. i lost six pages of work i had to re-do and both times i did it, it didn’t balance. my chair is not comfortable, i want my big purple ball instead, please. it feels like my hair looks okay, but i can’t be entirely sure because i haven’t looked in a mirror since i got out of the shower and at that time it was wet and dripping down my back. it’s dry now; i hope it’s presentable. the window-washing fluid in my car ran dry on the way to work. lovely. between the fog and the crud i couldn’t clean off the windshield i’m lucky i made it here alive. then again, maybe a day in hospital would be more interesting that this morning here. dear fucking christ, i wish things would move a little quicker.
part of me wishes i’d been the one who was laid off last week. that’s the part of me which wants to be carefree and irresponsible. the one who wants to run away and hitchhike accross the continent or take off for parts unknown with just a towel and a smile. i want to run away.
did you hear the one about the girl who didn’t have sex for two years? yeah, she started getting tingly limbs and having hobo fantasies. then she became a raging homicidal maniac. *kill*
paul. dan. jason. john. darrin. joe. rick. paul. morgan. jason. they’re all gone from my life now. some i sent away, others kicked me out, the rest just kind of slipped out quietly while i wasn’t paying attention. i take the blame for all the mistakes. i expected too much from all of them at one point or another. my needs were overwhelming and they just weren’t the right people to fulfill them. but i learned something from each of them. i’m glad for the experiences. i’ve let them all go now, with good will and good wishes. now it’s time to really be alone, i suppose.

fucking amazing.

okay, the buying a camera thing so isn’t happening.
i gave myself a severe dressing down in regards to my finances last night. i really have to smarten up, especially considering the distinct possiblility of being on strike at some point during the summer. maybe it was reading about devon’s being laid off which really brought it home or the realization i’ve been far, far, far too spendthrifty the last few months. then again, it could have been the thousand dollars i just gave to the bank. *wince*
can i tell you how much of a let down it was to realize this morning that i had to get up and go to work again? i was so sure the week was over. i mean it felt like five days. oh well, at least i’m going out for lunch. just to the grocery store, but still, it’s a chance to leave the compound for a little while.

i’ve decided that my life is too short and my time is too valuable to waste it on people and situations i don’t find fulfilling. to that end, i will not chat with people i have no genuine interest in. i will not attend functions i don’t truly wish to participate in. i will resist any and all attempts via guilt or persuation to corral me into activities which do not appeal to me.
i can’t tell you how free i suddenly feel.
p.s. i’ve also pretty much decided to take some of that “extra” money and pick up the used minolta maxxum 5000 at the camera shop. i’ve heard good things about it from a couple people i respect, and it’s in my price range. whee! it’s scary to try film photography again, but i’m excited!

stupid, useless, run-and-hide dreams. i thought going to bed before ten would help my situation. instead, i was running uphill and hiding in basements all bloody night. what kind of rest is that?
my kitchen is a bit of a sty right now. the garbage really needs to be taken out, but the last two nights, once i’ve gotten home, i didn’t even want to venture out as far as the dumpster. that would have involved putting shoes on again. no. more. shoes. shoes are evil things and i think i need to start a barefoot campaign. or at least a stockinged foot revolution. i don’t know. someone needs to come clean my kitchen. then there’s this weird urge to rearrange my main room. the problem being, there’s only so much space and i think it’s pretty much optimized at the moment. there’s very little i can think to do to change the layout at all. we’ll see.
yay! it’s free money week! well, not really free. but it’s my “extra” payday this friday and i got my rebate cheque for the php course from hell yesterday. whee! that’s over $1300 which isn’t allocated to anything. oh, right. except debt repayment. *sigh* you know, this being responsible crap is picking my butt. i wish i didn’t care how much i owed or didn’t mind getting in more and more debt. $1300… i could go visit the wellers or to go a con! i could buy a new camera or a new tv/dvd setup. but, no. i’ll put it on the money i owe the bank, like a good girl. bleh.

i’m trying the exercise thing again. spent half an hour on the bike after work last night. i don’t get as good a workout on an bike as i do on the elliptical machine, but at least i can read while pedalling. it keeps me on the bike longer than i probably would be if i couldn’t use my mind while i worked out. music just doesn’t cut it for me on the jogging machine. it leaves too much of my mind free to wander and when my mind wanders, time seems to slow down. then i get frustrated and i stop even attempting the exercise because it’s boring. i figure i’ll work myself up to an hour on the bike. it will kill two stones with one bird: 1) fitness, and 2) more time for reading. at least that’s the plan. who knows if it’ll really happen. of course, now i’ve totally jinxed it. ohwell.
going to the airport to pick up karen tonight. yay! i love going to the airport. no, really! it’s an awesome place to peoplewatch and just hang out. parking is expensive, but they have a “street prices” guarantee on all the vendors and restaurants, so you don’t get gouged if you want to eat while you’re there. i think i’ll get myself a nice gingerbread latte (dear god, i wish they’d have those all year ’round) and make some pictures while i’m there. i just hope i don’t get tackled by security for suspicious activity.
that’s the plan. how’s your hump day?

that stupid juicer was on the shopping channel again last night. i really want one. buy it for me?

so, i taped the jfk jr movie sunday night. i don’t know why, but i thought it might be interesting in a historical sense. i should have known better. i mean, it’s a tbs original movie, for god’s sake.
after getting home from a very long and mostly unfulfilling monday at work, i pressed “play” and started to watch it. half way through, i became utterly disgusted with myself. i couldn’t belive i was watching such tabloid schlock. if i were jon-jon or jackie-o, i’d have been thrashing about in my grave. i stopped the tape, lept from the futon and stalked into the kitchen where i started to do something productive instead of giving into the celebrity hype machine and gossip mongering which made that piece of tripe possible.
seriously, what did john kennedy jr do beside be born to an american president (albeit, a very popular one)? what about his life made him deserving of such fame and devotion? nothing. he was smart and charismatic, yes. he was charming and handsome, yes. but did he contribute anything to business, science, or society? not so much. so why are the fawning and fussing?
yes, it’s a sad story. the kennedys do indeed appear to be cursed in some manner. tragedy seems to haunt them from generation to generation. but, really, do you think that makes them worthy of any more attention than a non-descript family in the mid-west who have had just as many losses through the years?
the more i think about it, the more the idea of celebrity disgusts me. just because someone gets paid a lot of money to act or sing or paint or write doesn’t make them worthy of such blind devotion. there are equally talented people out there in the world who don’t do it (whatever that may be) for the attention, but for the love of the craft. there are even people out there without such singular talents who are much, much better people in many small ways that even the most lauded humanitarian. why aren’t they praised in the same manner as the guy who gets on tv?
maybe it’s human nature to seek someone to idolize. we’ve had gods and kings and actors and politicians and heros all though history. we’ve immortalized these leaders in marble, bronze, paint, poetry, prose and songs. maybe we’re all just lemmings with toys and a big vocabularies. maybe we just don’t know how to be happy with who we are. putting our fates and dreams in the hands of others… doesn’t it all seem a little silly? they can’t possibly care about each and every one of us. we should take care of ourselves. praise ourselves for all the skills and talents we possess. maybe if we stop relying on others to make us famous, we won’t need to exalt pop culture figures to make us feel complete.

i was doing really well until the headache started. happily surprised by the number of people who’ve noticed i got my hair cut. reading up on wap/wml crap. don’t know why i’m bothering, though. i won’t be allowed to do the work on it.
yeah, okay. i won’t post until i’m less cranky, thanks.

dishes
shower
knitting
homework
shopping
haircut
cooking
dusting
laundry

sometimes my world gets just a little too small for comfort.
i tried to find him once before, to no avail. i considered it a sign. there was a reason i couldn’t find him when i wanted. the universe meant me to leave that door closed.
now it’s opened a titch and the past is leaking through.
it’s a test. someone, somewhere, wants to see just how good my resolve is. how much i’m willing to withstand my fearsome curiosity to remain true to my promise to myself to leave the past in the past. to not dwell on what was. to let go of the hurt, the self-recriminations, the anger, the still lingering wondering what might have been.
some doors need to stay locked. some should even be bricked up and hermetically sealed. yet, sometimes, you need to peek in just to ensure you made the right choice. i did that just recently and i’m very glad of it. but this one… too many daemons behind it. too much of everything. the memories are enough.
it needs to be enough that i now know where he is, that he’s alive and seemingly well. honestly, it’s more than i had hoped for.

got my grades for the php/javascript course from hell. i’m smarter than i look, it seems. i got 93%! yay!
and i start my xml class tomorrow… there goes twelve more saturdays.

either i’ve written this elsewhere, or maybe i just thought about writing it elsewhere, but i think my subconscious is telling me it’s time to find a boy. all of my dreams for the last week have had lovely boys who liked kissing me in them. gosh, what i wouldn’t give to find one for my waking hours.

hosting issues. testing. things may break. do not panic!

the word of the day is: bastard. go ahead. use it in conversation. you’ll feel much better, i assure you.

…in no particular order:
1. i lost a hubcap yesterday.
2. i have a pre-migraine and i want to die.
3. jodi chromey is the bestest person in the universe.