last night, i dreamt that andrew wentzel (my four-year highschool crush) ripped out a bannister just so that i could get from one part of this house we were in to another. he didn’t even live there. it was his buddies’ place. but i couldn’t get over it like all the tall people, so he ripped it out with his bare hands. for me. oddly enough, once he did that, i didn’t even go into that part of the building because that was when jim sent me pictures of him and his new light blue hair. i reached through the pictures and ruffled it. it was very soft. i told him i was jealous.
by the way, i really don’t like leaving for work at 5:55 am.
She didn’t have the nerve for scenes. She was still thinking she could make people like her. She hadn’t yet learned that it’s a waste of time to try — that they either do or they don’t, and usually they don’t. But even if they do, they still say nasty things about you — just not to your face.
– from what she saw by lucinda rosenfeld
who wants to get drunk and mess around?
the car is in steve’s capable, yet greasy, hands. i hope it’s just a plastic bag on the exhaust. please, let it be just a bag on the exhaust!
although it came from time off because of injury, it was the same for me. i never thought i would want to come back.
why the hell did i want to come back?!
my ass is sore.
i love reading books that make me laugh so hard i have to leave the room (if i’m not somewhere i can laugh so hard). i wonder if dave eggers is single.
yesterday was a good day once i got over my extreme morning sleepiness. i got a lot of work done. it was sunny and warm (although, i could only confirm the former through my window). the drive home was spent obsessively smelling for that burning plastic smell which has had me freaked out since sunday. i thought about stopping at the mechanic and having him smell it, but decided against it. when i parked in front of my building, the stink was so bad, i spent an hour peeking out my balcony door at it expecting to see flames and billowing smoke. (in thinking about this sudden scorching odour, i realize two things happened between smell-less saturday and stinky sunday: 1) i washed my car; and, 2) i replaced the blinker bulb. i wonder if there’s any correlation?)
one of the better things about yesterday was the presence of presents at my door when i arrived home. an amazon box! i ran inside and grabbed the scissors and cut open the packing tape. what i found: a book! in gift-wrap! from my minibits! that silly girl, she didn’t have to buy me anything for making her page pretty. i can’t wait to start it. mmm, books.
i’ve been concerned about my parents’ mortality.
being an only child of two single (for all intents and purposes) parents, all of the aging-related issues and concerns fall upon my shoulders. i’ve started to think that i should schedule weekly phone calls with both my mom and dad. conversations we will not miss. for any reason. if one is missed, i will immediately assume the worst and rush to their home and hope not to find a partially-decomposed body being eaten by the cat. (you know, they both have a cat now, but never while we were all together did we have one. just the dog who was frightened of me. interesting.)
i really worry about that. that they will die suddenly, without provocation. die in a manner which is unpredicted and tragic. they will expire and i will never have the chance to tell them all the things you’re supposed to say to someone when you know they’re about to die.
the other thing i fear is a lingering, degenerative disease which will eat away at them slowly, painfully until there is nothing left of them but a deflated balloon draped over a deformed skeleton, with tubes and monitors weaving themselves around — inside, outside — the body i used to think was impervious to everything. every thing.
i don’t want to be alone.
regardless of how long i go without seeing or talking to them, knowing they are there, living their lives, i know i will never be alone. i will always have a place to go. someone will always love me. if i need them, they will be there. unconditionally. forever.
i try not to think about these things. they make me cry. they make me uncomfortable. they make me very, very frightened. to know that at some point, near or far, i will be the only one like me left. alone. an orphan.
i’m very sleepy right now. i ran into dean at the esso this morning. he’s so golden. but not in a bright blond way, in a ruddy, reddish way. i have to listen to amelita train trish the temp for the next three days. what a way to have her leave. twenty-four hours of non-stop annoying amelita-speak. ugh.
it’s a pity jason didn’t come over last night, i was feeling really pretty in my flowing dress, piled-up curls, painted toenails and comfy sweater. not that it matters, i guess. seems he and his landlady are a couple now. people… interesting experiments they are.
speaking of which, my crush is subsiding, thankfully. all that giddy goodness and anxious anticipation has settled down. trust me, it’s a good thing. it will enable me to get to know him in a more relaxed environment. i’ve given him every opportunity to let me go, but he still seems to want to talk to me. i like that. it makes me much happier than thinking he “likes” me.
have to try to get back into my workout routine this week. last week was a bust and this week got off to a bumpy start what with my taking monday off work. i had meant to do something outside in lieu, but the weather was non-cooperative. at least i did a fair amount of dancing around the apartment over the weekend. i was trying to remember all my belly-dancing lessons. who knew i could do that kind of stuff with my hips?
i’m not very interesting right now. i’m hating my job and hating that i don’t know what i want out of life. i’m feeling stuck and it’s making me grumpy. i have no definite goals (other than getting a car which doesn’t smell like it’s on fire). maybe the weekend on the island will help. i’ll hug my mommy and she’ll love me unconditionally and tell me how wonderful and intelligent and beautiful and talented i am and everything will be all right with the world. that’s what mommy’s are for, right?
i’ve got a serious case of jodi‘s mean reds today. it doesn’t help that i’m at work and i don’t want to be and it’s been far too long since my last “o”. let’s not forget to mention the lingering embarrassment from subjecting a new friend to far too much heather-angst and dysfunction last night.
just wait until tomorrow when, if all goes as plans, you won’t believe what i’ll have to tell you.
why is it yesterday dragged (drug?) along, seeming to last forever. while today, my illicit day off, is going by too quickly? it’s already two-thirty and all i’ve accomplished is making some fried rice and having a nap. bleh. i can’t even conceive of opening a book or going outside. my computer bores the shit out of me and i have no money to see a movie or rent the same.
i bet i’m not the only one who’s noticed i’m a little more sexual than usual, either. *sigh* i need me some hot, monkey lovin’. now.
at least my apartment is clean. oh, and i really do think there’s something which is smoldering inside the electrics of my car. every time i go out to go somewhere, i expect to find burned-out husk of a geo. yesterday, after doing very little running around, it really stank. like plastic burning. aahhh. i just can’t deal with it anymore. *punt*
i need a vacation. a real vacation. somewhere i’ve never been, with someone who’ll cuddle with me at night. someplace with character and ambiance. oh, and it has to be dirt cheap and not too hot. any suggestions?
Definition of Orgasm:
Muscles contract. Release. The universe aligns. Angels sing. Wet. Wetter. Union. Harmony. The Self disintergrates into millions of pulses of energy. The body hums. The soul reverberates. Generally acquired from people whose unique ability to devote attention to small details can make immense things happen, such as, but not limited to: programmers and artists. Acquisition method: sex and in very rare moments masturbation or scintillating discussion
[stolen from nate]
today’s been a waste. woke early to meet someone, but fell asleep while waiting. woke again with a headache and a feeling of disconnection from everything. managed to grocery shop and have a long shower. since then, i’ve tried to nap and watched far too many episodes of st:tng.
i’m now wandering restlessly from room to room (which is a very short trip in my apartment) looking for something, anything, to do. i’m wearing the posh frock i bought to wear atop the space needle last summer. it’s nice and cool for this sunny summer day. it just feels weird. i never did get to wear it in seattle.
tomorrow, i may go shopping. i could use another pair of comfy pants. i was half-hoping to hook up with jim for coffee or something while he’s in town, but i don’t think that will happen. otherwise, i can’t really think of much i can do on a week day which won’t cost money. god, i really hate being broke. i suppose i just have to keep reminding myself it’s all about being debt-free. i’m doing this so i won’t owe anymore.
the new neighbours seem to be setting up for a gathering of some sort this evening. i really hope they don’t have a lot of kids around. i don’t think i could deal with the screeching. speaking of kids, i better phone my mom.
and, no. i didn’t keep the stuff i deleted last night. dirty people.
i have just the right amount of tingling and numbness going on around various parts of my body right now and no one to share these happy, touchy, kissy, feely feelings with. the only two “booty calls” i could make are not available to me at the moment. doesn’t really matter, i suppose. nature has decided i’m not getting any tonight (or this week) anyway.
too much information? too bad. i’m half-cut and i don’t care what falls out of my fingers onto my keyboard. i could write the great canadian novel right now and i wouldn’t know it until the next day. i feel so happy!
it’s odd, i don’t tolerate alcohol well. i usually feel really bad after a couple of drinks. but right now! maybe it’s because i didn’t eat all day then i had two beer before they brought me the crappiest enchilada on earth. i didn’t eat a quarter of it. meg & mark ate pretty much all of my dinner. at least they paid too.
i just deleted a potentially damaging confession about how i get crushes really easily and i spend far too much time imagining scenarios involving myself and the crushee. trust me. it’s better i deleted it. especially considering my current state. it got a little raunchy. =)
quote of the evening:
“i haven’t eaten and i’m drinking beer. i could be naked in five minutes.”
i love my friends. well, okay, i don’t love that they dropped me off at home to be all plurry (good word, huh? stole it from jim, i did) by myself. i need a snuggle-buddy. dammit, i should phone phil from the personal ad. or anthony! oh my god. maybe he’d come over and touch me and kiss me! ugh. i’m babbling. i probably shouldn’t click “post” but i’m going to anyway. *click*
what’s wrong with me? i’m cleaning like i expect company.
currently, the canadian super 7 lottery is worth twenty-four million dollars. tonight’s the big draw and the entire country seems to have lotto fever. everyone’s asking “what would you do if you won?” well, here’s my plan when i win tonight (one task per million).
1. get a cell phone with an unlisted number.
2. move into a (really nice) hotel until i’d found a new place to live.
3. eliminate my parents’ debts.
4. set both mom and dad up with generous annuities to keep them in a manner to which they should have become accustomed.
5. eliminate my debts.
6. provide mark & meghan with whatever kind of wedding they desired, wherever they desired it to be.
7. rowan would be able to go to any college she wanted.
8. heather & i would go to australia together a lot sooner than 2010.
9. tyler would be the recipient of a healthy “struggling artist” grant.
10. half of the remainder will be invested to provide a lifetime income.
then, i would:
11. buy a home (either a loft or a cute little character house on a big lot).
12. buy a car (either a volkswagen or an audi TT).
13. quit my job.
14. decorate and furnish my home (which could take months).
15. get a personal trainer.
16. travel (maritimes, england, minnesota, l.a., disneyland!, arkansas, europe, medditeranean, australasia, patagonia)
17. go to university.
18. learn to fly.
19. take photographs.
20. play the piano.
21. open a bookstore.
22. donate money to animal shelters, ms, alzheimers, diabetes & cancer research.
23. dye my hair blue.
24. enroll in a culinary institute.
it’s a beautiful day in the neighbourhood and i’m in a freakishly good humour considering the mess we’re sorting through with our freshly lost data at work. i want to use fluffy adjectives and draw flowers in the margins, but i’m reigning myself in. too much ebullience. silly girl.
by the way, i hate juan de fuca.
i confessed! it’s all good. phew.
*sigh* i had such a pithy little entry going and then aol took over this window and i lost it all. i suppose it’s apropos considering the main server here at work is non-functioning so the only thing i can do is play online and email people. so, you can blame aol for your not getting to see the little image gallery thingie i made because i just can’t bother linking it again. especially since it pissed me off so much putting it together because i don’t know any php or perl well enough to even attempt to automate it. i wish they’d offer that web scripting course during summer session. *kick* then again, i could just read that cgi book i bought last year.
fuck. i can’t think.