Category Archives: Photos

yesterday afternoon found me, quite literally, falling asleep at my desk, so it wasn’t surprising to find myself undressed, under the über-blankie and fast asleep within moments of getting home. waking up at 7pm, though, wasn’t in the plan. i honestly felt like i’d gotten an entire night’s rest. i had even half-convinced myself that it was 7am. alas, it was not. i got up and watched bad tv (well, it wasn’t all bad. there was this really well done and balanced show on the history channel about the invasion of normandy on d-day. go brits for not making it a rah-rah-mentary!), made jello, and otherwise occupied my freshly-rested self until i finally got tired enough to go to sleep at twelve-thirty. i really should have used that energy to go shopping or do something productive, but my inner sloth took over.
i almost didn’t want to wake up this morning. not because i was still tired, which i wasn’t; but, because i was having the most wonderful dream starring hugh jackman. *sigh* gotta love hugh.
is it just me or does steven harper look like bill clinton’s inbred cousin, especially around those set-too-close-together eyes?

it’s only 10:30 and i’m hungry, bored and blind. if it wouldn’t take an hour, i’d consider going home to get my glasses just to alleviate one of the three. thankfully it’s very nearly lunch time because i’m seriously looking forward to that turkey sub.
mom went and bought herself a new stereo tv and vcr/dvd player combo unit with her big winnings last month. unfortunately for me, spending four days with them have made me seriously crave a similar set of purchases. fortunately for me, i refuse to buy a dvd player of any kind until i replace my craptastic television. it makes no sense to me to buy something to view beautiful dvds with if the screen will do them absolutely no justice at all.
then again, my hand may be forced because i noticed that the last time i went into blockbuster, half the movies i wanted to rent were only available on dvd. weasels, i say. weasels!

man you people are demanding. i can’t even go away for a long weekend without you all up in my face. whatever will you do when i’m gone for an entire week in july?
my long weekend: four days of mostly nothing punctuated by pixar, cake, cheetos, giant spiders, dominos, slot machines and pain.
now i’m back at work and looking forward *cough* to a long, long day. seems, in the panic to not forget anything, i forgot my glasses. i should be good and blind by the end of the day. let’s hope that the small favour which is subway for lunch will help make it a little more tolerable.
otherwise, how was your weekend?

maybe i’m an emotional bulemic. once i purge it all, i always seem to feel much better. i’m so thankful for all your kind responses and support. it truly is an amazing thing to have virtual strangers reaching out to you.
i realize that what you know of me is dictated by what i choose to put on this page and when. you couldn’t have known that shortly after getting out all those negative feelings, i felt so much lighter and less put upon. part of me wants to now reassure you that i’m not on the verge of suicide or in need of medical treatment. i don’t walk around all day with a cloud of misery hovering over me. i’m human. i have negative thoughts. sometimes, you just have to vent. you have to express the darkness inside before it consumes you. how very dire i make it sound, but it’s the truth.

i know, very well, that there are great feelings, too. feelings which don’t suck at all. in the interest of balance…
i feel infinitely lucky to have such an amazing group of friends who love me despite my moods and sometimes off-putting quirks. i feel invigorated when i have an interesting and open-minded conversation about potentially controversial topics. i feel proud of finally taking steps to improve my health by learning to eat in a way that is helping my body find a healthy weight. i feel strong when i push myself just that little bit further when i work out. i feel creative when i look through the collection of photographs i’ve taken and think of the photographs i have yet to take. i feel giddy when i discover something new that delights me. i feel sensual when a boy wants to get into my pants. i feel loved when i think of my family. i feel driven and determined when faced with a new challenge. i feel competent and confident with regards to my work. i feel overwhelming curiousity when i’m obsessed with learning something new.

1. my pants are too big for me.
2. i slept funny and, as a result, my neck hurts. again.
3. don’t let me order pizza anymore.
4. my hair smells like pumpkin pie!
5. it’s my very bestest jeremy’s birthday today! happy birthday!!
6. i need another coffee.
7. i will do my reading for class tonight.
8. i’m insanely envious of people who can draw.
9. today feels very empowering. hear me roar!
10. do you like my little menu arrows over on the left? i think they’re pretty slick, myself.

just when i thought i could say my life was boring, things start to happen! they’re not very exciting things, but they’re things nonetheless.
it started when i arrived home from work last night. thursday being a school night, i’m always in a rush because i have exactly an hour to cook dinner, eat dinner, clean up from dinner and do whatever it is that needs doing before i leave for class. as i reached into the freezer to pull out my school night staple, boca burgers, i noticed that things were a little melty. seeing as my fridge/freezer has a history of being flaky, especially when the weather warms up, i didn’t think too much about it. i just turned up the cold dial a little and went about making my grub.
that’s when the noise started. have you ever had trouble starting your car on a cold, cold winter morning? if so, you know the sound my fridge was making. the motor (did you know there was a motor in your fridge?) would make that trying-to-turn-over noise and then stop dead. every ninety seconds.
i think that’s when i started to panic a little.
“ohmygod! my fridge is broken! my freezer’s full of melting food! i can’t deal with this! i have to go to school! ugh! meghan’s not home! dad’s not home! where am i going to put this melting food?!”
calling the landlord didn’t help very much, either. he didn’t have any replacement refridgerators on hand and he didn’t think he could get one through the door (he had to remove doors to replace the last unit upstairs). he did say he’d come right over and bring a cooler or two to put my fridge stuff in, if i could find a home for my frozen food. that was nice of him, i thought.
so, i packed up my freezeables, left my father a frantic message that basically said “i hope you don’t mind but i’m barging in and taking over your freezer with my food because my fridge quit and i have to go to school and meghan’s not home yet and i don’t know what else to do i hope you don’t hate me love you bye bye.” and headed out.
then i very nearly fell asleep in class.
when i got home, i expected to find a couple coolers on my kitchen floor with my stuff packed in ice. instead, i find the biggest, whitest, fanciest refridgerator i’ve ever seen in place of my old unit. it’s beautiful! it has glass shelves that slide and huge door compartments. and the freezer… ohmygod. it has a shelf! i could fit two turkeys or a very small child in it! it’s the sexiest fridge ever. it’s so big, i need to go buy more food to fill it up.
the only problem is that my microwave, which resides atop it, is now well above my head. i’m either going to have to invest in a small stool, a tall boyfriend or live with the possibility of disfiguring facial scars from spilling hot food every time i nuke something.
although, the whole instant gratification from the landlords has got me a little miffed. i was working up to a right nasty foul opinion because of their recent dumbassedness. now they’ve gone and done something so great just to ruin my bad opinion of them. da noive!

last night, instead of sitting like a lump on the sofa until enterprise started, i decided that i was going to go outside into the gorgeous, lilac-scented evening. i packed up my camera and lip balm, tied up my shoes and headed down to the quay. it was a perfect walk down the hill, past the shops and to the water. i didn’t even mind, too much, that i had to pee like crazy and had to wait for an hour for my bus back up the hill.
while i walked, i kept seeing people with ipods or other mp3 players, earphones clamped onto or stuck into their ears. i found myself very tempted to stop and ask each one i saw “whatcha listening to?”. i think that would be an awesome thing to do one beautiful spring or summer day. i find that most people are rather proud of the music they listen to and like to convert others over to their tastes. personally, if i were such a music-carrying person, i’d happily share my tunes with a pleasantly curious stranger. what do you think?
otherwise, it’s a good day. class tonight, which i still have some reading left to do for. the best news, though, was that seb fontaine cancelled the show at sonar i was supposed to go to tomorrow night. why would i be happy that the show was cancelled, you might ask. well, i didn’t really want to go. not because of seb, but because i agreed to go when marie asked me without actually thinking it through and have been secretly dreading the loomingness of the date ever since.
marie just isn’t the kind of person i want to spend much time with. she’s like this energy suck. she has her moments, but most of the time, i just want her to go away. is that bad? besides that, she’s having this long-distance net.affair with a guy in england and planning on leaving her husband for him. did i mention she has a five year old son? it’s just ugly and, honestly, i don’t like even thinking about the situation, which is difficult since all she talks about is the scottish boy she loves so much.
i’m just thankful the universe saw fit to save me from the engagement. i promise i’ll do something fruitful/fun with the time in thanks!

just when you think the internet is nothing but porn, spam and banal blogging idiots, something happens to remind you of what a wonderous and powerful thing it can be.
about this time last year, i posted a list of names of people i’d lost track of over the years and wished to get re-acquainted with thinking that maybe one day either they or someone they knew would be bored and google their name, find my little corner of the ‘net and then say “howdy”.
well, today is that day! i received a slightly bemused email from one paul gillis (paul #1 to those of you in the know). we traded email back and forth, cautiously feeling each other out, him to see if i was some freakazoid stalker-like thing and me to see if he really was the paul i was looking for. turns out he is and i’m not. it’s very exciting!
it’s all brand new and, seeing as he now lives overseas, it’s not like i’ll be able to see if he still kisses the same way he did 13 years ago, but it’s nice to know that he’s alive, well and even remembers me (and one of my less attractive nicknames from highschool). you just never know who’ll you find online. makes the world just a little bit smaller every day.

it’s a beautiful day. i’ve a four-day weekend on the island to look forward to. my team won their first playoff game last night. i’m going out for sushi at lunch. i didn’t gain even after my horridly bingeful week. i have strong abs. it’s payday. i have many new books to read.
i didn’t get my hair cut. i ate too much crap. i have a lot of work to do before i leave today. i’m oddly dissatisfied with life. i feel bloated. wonderfalls was cancelled. i have to pee. my camera likes to shut down for no apparent reason. i’m sleepy.

by the end of today i’ll be in three lottery pools for this friday’s $21 million super7 draw. with all those numbers floating around, i’ve been doing a lot of daydreaming about what i’ll do with my millions. here’s the short list (almost in order):
1. pay off debts (mine, mom’s, dad’s)
2. buy new cars (for me, mom & dad)
3. buy a home (mom & dad each already have their own)
4. fly first class to minnesota in july, worcester in september and thunder bay in october.
5. buy the biggest, best bed & sheets money can buy and stay in it for a week, inviting all my friends over for a non-stop bed party.
6. two words: home network.
7. two more words: plasma displays
8. just two more words: digital SLR
9. canucks season’s tickets
10. buy meghan cat-proof furniture.
11. buy jeremy a real minion.
12. buy heather maid & laundry service.
13. cats. lots and lots of cats.
14. never worry about money again.
i’m hoping it’s a crappy hair day today so that i won’t hesitate to go get a couple more inches chopped off on the way home. i’m enjoying the shorter hair, but it’s a pain having to go get it cut more than once a year. i don’t know how guys do it going every month. that’d drive me crazy.

i am absolutely addicted to put down the donut. it’s a great weight loss/fitness/lifestyle site run by two very smart women, joelle and kathy. they’ve got reviews of fitness tapes and books, recipes, tips for staying on track and a few good swift kicks in the ass for good measure. if you’re at all interested in losing weight or getting fitter, it should definitely be in your bookmarks.
speaking of the fitness, i’ve completed the slim in 6 (customer reviews) “start it up” video a grand total of seven times so far. of course, that’s been over two weeks, not consecutively. considering the first time through had me practically in a wheelchair i’d say i’m doing pretty damn well. i’ve got to get two more days in this week (tonight and tomorrow) since i’ll be going to the island for easter. i’ve already noticed that, while i still sweat like a river and gasp like a fish out of water, i’m not modifying nearly as much. the biggest thing for me is trying not to expect that i can do it all perfectly every day, like the people in the video. slow and steady. anything is better than the nothing i was doing before, right?
i’m so excited that there’s a four-day weekend just around the corner! too bad about the having to get up early friday to catch a boat, but i should be able to sleep in for the next three mornings to make up for it. my mom’s all excited about this since she hasn’t seen me since xmas. oh, and because i’ll be painting her bathroom for her, too. i’m such a good kid.
my friend wade has been asking me for photography tips. he thinks i’m a really great photographer and wants me to teach him how to use his digicam to make good photos. i was totally flabbergasted when he asked and i realized that, other than knowing a few technical guidelines (rule of thirds, etc), i’m an instinctual photographer and i don’t think i could possibly teach that. i just look around the world and then try to capture it in a way that makes me happy. how can that be taught? i did tell him to just take lots and lots of photos. when he finds one he loves, try to recreate it with different subjects. when he finds one he hates, try to think about what he doesn’t like about it and avoid that next time. i think that’s probably the best, and only advice, i could give.

um. well. uh. i’m actually kind of in a morning blah. getting up at what feels like 5am even though the clock says 6am is just wrong. i hate daylight savings. we don’t use gaslight anymore. stop switching the clocks already! grr.
the weekend was all right. i went looking at a couple apartments friday night after work. neither was nice enough to go after, though. the first was stinky and had really stupid plastic accordian closet doors. the second was better, but for the kitchen the size of a postage stamp. oh well. good thing i’m in no rush, i suppose.
had bbq with m&m&d saturday and sunday nights after getting some shopping, laundry and cleaning done. i still need to vacuum and take my growing collection of diet pepsi containers back, though. watched the majority of pleasantville yesterday afternoon. it’s a sweet movie. god, i’m boring.
jeremy’s back, though! that’s a highlight.
i just want to crawl back into bed and sleep for a day or three. that’s not too much to ask, is it?

so, i’ve mentioned that i’m trying to follow weight watchers in an attempt to reach a healthy body weight. part of the whole online experience is reading and interacting on the message boards available. it’s been interesting and informative and, while i’m not looking to form any kind of relationships with the people on them, i’ve participated in a few conversations on topics i have something to say about.
what’s really caught my attention is the number of the really big women (my size and much larger) who have boyfriends, fiances and husbands. it’s been a big shock to all my preconceptions that if i’m fat, i can’t possibly be attractive to someone. especially enough to be in a long-term relationship. i’ve tried to rationalize it in my mind by saying “well, they were probably skinny when they got married and then they put on the weight”. not very charitable of me, i know; but i’ve never pretended to be a better person than i am.
it’s really challenging for me to believe that there are men out there who can get past the rolls and the stretch marks and can see the person and find them attractive enough to fall in love. it goes against everything i’ve ever believed about men and the dynamics of attraction. yeah, i know there are guys who are “fat admirers” and “chubby chasers” but i don’t want to be wanted just because i’m fat, either. i don’t know if there’s any answer for me right now. it’s always been a “when i’m skinny, i’ll find someone to love me” kind of thought-process. now that i’m actively participating in a solution that could result in my finally becoming skinny (relatively, of course), all the things i put off until then are coming forward for consideration. it’s made for a lot of thinking.
in other weight-related news, as of this morning i’ve lost sixteen pounds. it’s been a rocky last two weeks with a bit of a scale hiccough, but i think i’m over that now. i’ve been trying to exercise semi-consistantly (dear god, can i sweat). my jeans, and even my underpants, are getting really baggy. but, for all that, i can’t seem to *see* any changes. debbie, my fitness cheerleader (she lost 75lbs years ago and is this awesomely fit, strong, woman), says i’m looking really good so far; but, i can’t help but think “um, it’s sixteen pounds. you can’t possibly see results this early”. sometimes i think i can see a hint of collarbone or more definition in my cheeks, but then i give my head a shake and realize that even if i am seeing very minor changes, i’ve still got a very long way to go.
it’s really hard not to get discouraged when you know the road ahead is a long one. i’m not good with long-term goals. i, like pretty much everybody, wants everything NOW, or even YESTERDAY. i know, up here in my logical brain, that this is something that will take a long time and there will be ups and downs. there will be big losses, small losses and even small gains along the way. i need to find a way to cope with what i perceive as setbacks on this journey. whee, more stuff to think about!
oh, by the way, this gratuituous mention of gin is for (the other) heather. comment away, babe.

i was thinking of writing something about getting engaged or diagnosed with cancer or winning the lottery in honour of april fool’s day, but after probably flunking my final last night, i’m really not in the mood. you know, it sounds like that’s an april fool’s joke, doesn’t it? if only it was.
it’s completely my fault and i have no one else to blame. if i’d done the last assignment i’d have been completely prepared for the program-writing portion of the exam. as it stands, i didn’t finish the program and what portions i did get done (or attempted) aren’t working properly. i’m screwed. the only saving grace i might hope for is this snippet from the course outline:

i got 81% on the midterm. if i got the 52% or so i think i got on the final, then i just might pass. ugh. stupidstupidstupid. and i have no one to blame but myself.

cross your fingers, but there might be half a chance that i won’t be miserable with an over-tight and sore neck and shoulders today. it’s probably been a combination of poor form during my recent fitness attemtps and the worst futon ever which has been causing my physical hell the last few days. irene from accounting has been coming over and leaning on my sore muscles, pressing her elbow into my upper trapezius to relieve the tension. i can’t begin to explain how good that feels. i wanted her to come home with me so she could do that on a regular basis, but she said her husband and kids would miss her. damn those husbands and kids always ruining things!
thanks to everyone who came to the aid of my boredom yesterday. mkh was the quickest to come to my rescue, but my british bunny definitely won the prize for volume. i swear, i wrote more in emails to iain yesterday than i’ve written here in the last month. god, that boy can converse! the very best thing about emails with iain is that one email of one line somehow transmogrifies into five different email threads each with five to ten different topics on the go in each. it’s delightful!
i’m drinking coffee right now. i haven’t had any of this delightful beverage in, well, about a month. i’m kind of afraid to see how my body reacts to the extra jolt of caffeine. hopefully, it’ll be fun. i like fun. fun is good. whee!

tonight’s my evil C final exam. i didn’t even attempt my final assignment which is due tonight. it’s just a bunch of practice for linked lists. i don’t mean to sound too cocky, but i feel pretty good about my understanding of how they work, so i blew it off. really, even if i got 100% on it, that turns into a mere 2.86% of my final grade and the way things are structured, you can do none of the assignments and still pass the course if you pass the exams. i hate that, but in this case it’s worked to my lazy advantage.
at this point i’m just really glad to see the end of this course. it’s been a lot more enjoyable than the previous C class and the previous pascal course. i liked this teacher a lot and it was so awesome to have married shane in class with me again. i’m still giddy knowing we’ll be in the same classes together until we finish our programs. insta-friend!

sore neck. procrastinating. nothing on tv. doing dishes. sneaking around. stretching. new bed == new home. hater. indecision. nest egg building. boring.

other than a bright spot on saturday afternoon and the fact that i did good things for my body by exercising, this was one of the worst weekends i’ve had in a long time. nothing tragic occurred, but i felt totally abandoned and alone. i didn’t see my friends for cards or dinner or anything, jeremy left for a week away, my father’s dating a hungarian woman twenty years his junior. everything just seemed to conspire to make me feel utterly sorry for myself. so i did.
i’m so glad i decided to go out on saturday to surprise col with a visit to her bookstore. it was her last day at what’s become the job from hell, and i thought it would be a nice surprise especially since we haven’t seen each other in, quite possibly, a year. then ritchie showed up and we spent several hours keeping col from doing any work, mocking her evil manager, joking with her cute coworker (oh, yes. very yummy coworker), drinking starbucks and randomly misplacing books just because we could.
i didn’t realize i’m so fucking short.
i hadn’t meant to, but i did let col abuse her employee discount on my behalf and bought three books: hey nostradamus! and all families are psychotic by douglas coupland and the trouble with islam by irshad manji. now, i think, i’m only missing one coupland for my collection. i love douglas coupland. really. i think i should marry him right after i marry kevin smith.
i think i need to move to utah.
here’s to hoping no one wants to talk to me today. it would be a bad day to try to chit-chat. put out the word, okay?

the crippling pain has gone, only to be replaced with a strange twinge in my back with either indicates an attack of sciatica or the onset of my monthly visitor. i’m honestly not sure which i’d prefer it was. regardless, it’s fucking amazing to be able to walk without the geriatric lurching. i felt positively septuagenarian yesterday.
today should be a productive one. i work until two then i’m off to aircare the car, get my car insurance renewed (if the car passes aircare), might go get a haircut, go looking at film cameras, and i’m not sure what else. i need to speak with meg to see if we’re playing tonight instead of tomorrow. if not, i think i’ll get a couple more movies and be a big fat lump all night long. gosh knows i’m way behind on my movie list.

have you ever done so many squats you couldn’t walk without muttering “shitfuckcocksuckermotherfucker” under your breath with each step? well i have! dear god, the pain. i really shouldn’t have done pilates yesterday, either. i think that just exacerbated the over-exertion from tuesday night. at this point, i don’t think i’ll ever be able to walk normally again.
even sleeping last night was an exercise in torture. every time i rolled over (did you know that you use leg muscles to roll over? i didn’t!), my sore ass would bump against a slat through my crappy futon and i’d flinch. the pain! someone please sedate me.
otherwise, i think my teaching assistant got really tired of marking our big assignments because even though my program had some serious flaws in the search algorithm, which i reported, i still got 100%. it’s like he got to mine saw the pretty colours, ran it, tested it once and then just slapped a 100 on it. hey, i’m not complaining. what with the final exam from hell coming up in six days i need all the percentage points i can get.
i think i’m going to buy a film camera this weekend. i’ve got a couple hundred extra bucks in the bank and, before i spend $2000 on a digital slr, i think i should start learning more about apertures and f-stops. a long time ago, my second-favourite jim (sorry, daddy’s got the number one spot) recommeded a minolta maxxum 5000 as a good place to start. i’m fairly confident i can pick up a good used one for under $200 and think it’ll be a good exercise for me. of course, then i’ll have to get a scanner to scan in the photos i take. if anyone reading has any recommendations about which camera to start with (or which lens!) please comment or email me.
i really want to start working on my photography. that’s the passion i rediscovered on the weekend. i was so at peace and blissful while i spent my morning in the gardens making pictures. i actually found myself giggling more than once because i was so pleased with what i was doing. that’s what i’ve been missing in my life: something that makes me giddy. i have some ideas for what to do with my photos, but they need a little bit of foundation work done before i can really go forward. i hope the couple weeks off i’ll have between classes will be enough to get the ball rolling.