you know when you just can’t muster the energy to talk? when you look at your IM list and see all those people you consider friends, or at least conversational acquaintances, and you can’t think of anything beyond “hey” to type to them? when you’re actually relieved that someone cancels a lunch date so that you won’t have to make conversation?
you know when you just want someone warm to show up at your door with their arms open, waiting for you to fall into them? when there are no expectations or ulterior motives? when they just know that you need to have someone physically close?
you know when everything just seems so big and overwhelming? when you can’t seem to start anything because the end feels so far away? when you’re throttled by the fear you won’t be good enough? when you can’t even begin to imagine feeling excited about anything again?
you know when it’s time to get up off your ass and do something about it? yeah, it’s that time.

what does food poisoning feel like?
update: i’m fairly sure it wasn’t food poisoning, rather a gall bladder attack. the pain stopped sometime between two and six am. i seem to have no lingering effects, but i’m scared to move, eat or drink just in case. i guess i’ll be going to the clinic this week.

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.” – Alan Cohen
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” – M. Scott Peck
“Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death.” – James F. Bymes
“Most people miss opportunity because when it knocks, they’re too scared to open the door.” – Tim Sheedy
they offered the job. now i have to decide if i can stop being nervous long enough to accept it.

okay, so maybe i didn’t die, but i sure as hell was nervous enough for my heart to think about quitting instead of continue beating that hard.
the interview was two hours of talking about myself. although you might think otherwise, what with this here website i’ve been writing on for four years now, i am really not very comfortable talking about myself. especially not when it means playing up my strengths and abilities. i tend to assume i’m fairly mediocre and nothing i do is of any great talent so when they ask things like “what’s your skill level in Excel” or “what strengths would you bring to this position” i stammer and make some sort of comment about curiosity and cuteness.
a lot of the questions were answered with me referencing things i did at my previous job at the golf car place. after the interview and as the day turned into evening and the evening turned into night and even as i was getting ready for work this morning i kept remembering more things i used to do at that job which i’d totally forgotten about (and should have mentioned yesterday). this is where the not thinking what i do is so great comes in. looking back, it didn’t feel like i was doing that much at that job, but when i had to talk about the different tasks and duties it started to sound like a lot. here i was, some punk nineteen year old running an office.
i told them the story about how i took home a year’s worth of customer invoices and sorted them out alphabetically and chronologically in order to then transcribe all the customer information, invoices and payments onto their new customer account cards. that took about a week’s worth of evenings. mom wasn’t too impressed, but the cat sure did like lying on all that crinkly paper.
that’s a pretty crazy thing to do. maybe i am good at organizing and tracking stuff. maybe i do know more than i believe that i do. maybe i am smarter than i give myself credit for. maybe i am ready to take on a job which will actually challenge me again.
i’ll know sometime next week.

i don’t have a lot of time to compose this morning because internet access will be broken while the networky people are swapping out something or other at the sub station which will upgrade and streamline the internet connection with our service provider to hopefully solve connectivity issues.
yeah, i didn’t understand it either.
in preparation of the INTERVIEW in two hours and sixteen minutes, i am dressed in my best “hire me” monochromatic brown outfit. the only glitch are the black shoes. they’re not brown because: a) my matching pair of brown shoes make my left kneecap pop out of place, b) my not matching pair of brown shoes are far too broken in (read: scruffy) to be presentable in an INTERVIEW; and, c) the almost matching pair of brown shoes are truly ugly and uncomfortable (hey, anybody want an ugly pair of uncomfortable size nine brown ralph lauren shoes i really shouldn’t have bought at Winners that day, but my mom thought they were really cute so i caved?). my hair is brown, my eye is half brown, even my eyeshadow is brown. the idea of wearing these black shoes is really getting to me now. maybe taking into consideration my mascara is black-brown will help.
no, it’s not helping.
ohmygod. an INTERVIEW! i haven’t had a job interview in, um, seven and a half years. the one before that was in 1991. that’s thirteen (almost fourteen!) years ago. and it’s so much easier to bullshit in an interview when you haven’t known and worked with the people interviewing you for, um, YEARS.
i just realized… when the interview kills me, you won’t even notice. you’ll just think the internet outage is longer than anticipated. you won’t know that i’ve become a twitching, frothing heap of interview-defeated Heather rolling around on the floor in the HR lady’s office.
just so you know, if i die Heather gets my camera and Jeremy gets my computers.

i have two big car-related anxieties.
the first is that my car will somehow stop working on one of the many bridges in the Greater Vancouver region. once you’re stopped on a bridge, you’ve nowhere to go until the tow truck comes and you’re the object of cranky drivers’ ire. the second is to walk out of my house, the mall, movie theatre, work, wherever and find my car gone from where i’ve left it.
i think i should put a third on my list: getting into my car late at night someplace semi-deserted and far from home only to turn the key in the igniton and be met with silence.
oh wait, that happened to me last night!
yeah, my battery crapped out sometime during class. ugh. it totally sucked to be sitting in the quickly emptying BCIT parking lot trying to figure out how i’d get home from the mechanic if i needed the car towed there, and how i’d get to work this morning if the same were true.
first, i phoned my daddy, because that’s what a girl is supposed to do when they’re in trouble, right? well, he wasn’t home. i left him a message telling him that i’d call him from the mechanic’s once i got there via tow truck. then i called BCAA (that’s the British Columbia Automobile Association, btw). the very nice lady on the phone told me that it was very busy in the Burnaby area so it would be about an hour until they could get to me. i must have made some disconcerted noise because she then asked me if i was alone, if i had a safe place to stay and she’d put a rush on it because i was alone in a parking lot all by myself. nice lady!
so, i walked back to SE12 and did what anyone else would when they’re bored and it’s too late to phone their friends because they have to get up and go to work the next day: i phoned my mommy. i woke her up, but that’s okay, she loves me and can sleep in in the morning. actually, we had a really good chat for fourty minutes or so until my cell phone rang to tell me the BCAA guy was in the vicinity.
now, let’s talk about the really nice BCAA guy. his name was bob. bob #92. i showed him the funky undimming of dash lights and the non-starting of the engine and he did a gravity test on the battery, gave me a jump and even washed some of the corrosion off the battery before he closed the hood. he was very nice, answered all my questions and even volunteered information about what he was doing (i didn’t ask about the gravity test, i’d seen it done before but couldn’t remember what it was called or what it tested). he got my car running enough for me to get it home (in the cold and silence because i was too paranoid to turn on the heat or the radio for fear of draining the battery. i couldn’t remember if all the power for that stuff comes from the alternator when the engine is running or not.). thank you, bob #92!
unsurprisingly, the car wouldn’t start this morning. dad had offered me a lift if that was the case, so i phoned him at 6:30 and he chauffered me to work and will be fetching me come 4 o’clock. when he gets me home i’ll call BCAA yet again and get their Battery Express service to come out, test stuff and sell me a new battery right there in my parking spot. these guys are so smart.
let this be a lesson to all of you with automobiles, or who ride in automobiles. you never know when you’ll need roadside assistance. pay the $60 a year. if you ever need it, it’ll be the best insurance policy you’ll ever have.
as i lay in bed, the clock glowing a red 12:02 and the alarm set for 5:28, i took a series of deep breaths and surrendered all my car-related worries, concerns and anxieties to the universe. i told the universe that it was time i retired my 13 year old first vehicle, that it was time i had a new, reliable, mechanically sound, not-too-big and not-too-ugly car. i let it all go and it will be okay. i hope.

i think you know you’re not gay when you’re only attracted to the most beautiful specimens of your gender, without exception.

do you know C++? can you design inherited classes? do you want to help me with my homework? i’ll send cookies or buy you beer (whichever geography allows)!
i’m trying really hard not to be all giddy because mr. powazek replied to my photographer behaviour questions from yesterday. combine this with dj ariz0na now living in my neighbourhood and mrs. powazek-champ emailing me i’m just a little net.star-struck. you’d think i was thirteen again and i’d just met michael jackson i’m so excited.
shut up. michael jackson was still cool in 1985.

no matter what anyone else thinks, i’m the funniest person on the planet to my mom.
it was a fun-filled, action-packed, event-laden, extra-long weekend in which i did my darndest to spoil my maternal unit completely rotten for her 67th birthday. i’m fairly certain i succeeded. i’d have photos up this morning, but i think my IP changed while i was away, either that or i forgot to open the FTP port after installing WoW.
i’ve discovered that the Victoria casino doesn’t like me all that much, boys are unreliable, driving fast is fun, flirtinis rock the free world, Lisa Loeb is tiny, i love watching people open presents, my mom loves my new apartment, i miss my own bed when i’m away and clapping for 15 seconds is harder than it sounds.
oh, and if i don’t get a new camera soon, i might just die from frustration.

okay, so i came to my senses and realized that after the Summer of Spending, there was no way i could justify buying $115 concert tickets to see rem, even if they are playing in my favourite “big” venue. i mean, really… they’re no great big sea, afterall.
yesterday morning, i woke up with a pre-migraine. i thought i could fight through it, so i had my shower, brushed my teeth, got dressed, swallowed a handful of extra-strength tylenol, emailed my boss to tell him i wouldn’t be coming into work, got undressed, went back to bed, put a towel over my eyes and slept until eleven o’clock. i still wasn’t 100%, so i took another handful of tylenol, drank a mug of tea, made a pot of soup and watched three days worth of starting over. by the time i was scheduled to go to the thursday night financial seminar, i was feeling both better and on my way to worse again.
i’m fairly sure the tension headaches i’ve been experiencing for the past week or so could be cured with some massage therapy for my neck and shoulders. i’ve been noticing that i’m holding a lot of stress there. it almost feels as if my head is sinking into my shoulders, like a turtle retracting into its shell. it’s not a very fun feeling. someone make me a massage appointment and i’ll go. it’s just the picking a place and making the call that i’m putting off. work even pays for it, so that’s not even a reason to linger. i guess i must enjoy the discomfort. why else would i let myself suffer?
btw, i’ll have some free time in victoria next saturday if anyone wants to buy me lunch or a latte.

i have the internet presale password (they’re not available to everyone else until friday) for REM in vancouver on november 21st. who wants to go with me?

orange began as fruit growing on the tropical slopes of mountains in asia. in ancient sanskrit, its name was “naranga”, or “fragrant”.
the orange thrived along sunny shores on the mediterranean sea. in the middle ages, the moors brought it to italy and spain. spanish sailors carried orange seeds in their pockets to the new world, and the conquest of orange was complete.
orange was the colour of rare spices. it was a symbol of good health, strong appetite and robust sexuality. to the hill people of afghanistan, who cultivated the carrot, orange food was considered virtuous food.
the ancient greeks considered the orange to be a shade of red. if they had a word for the colour orange, it has been lost. chaucer said the colour was “betwixe yellow and reed”. it ws not until the 1500s that the name of the fruit became the name of the colour.
orange is the colour of joy, energy and good health. it is the colour of conversation and friendly debate, the colour of wisdom and creativity. orange fights sadness and depression. warm and invigorating — like the fruit itself — is orange.

sometimes i wonder if i’m depressed or if i’m just incredibly lazy and down on myself. i’ve had a really great, social, relaxing weekend, but as soon as i got home from picking my car up at the pub this morning, i’ve been overcome with dark thoughts and lonely feelings.
i feel completely, unbelievably, utterly unworthy. i look around this huge apartment and i’m overcome with how empty it is, how alone i am when i come home and close the door behind me. how i have pretty much given up on ever finding anyone to share it and my my life with.
i feel my pants getting tighter every week and i find myself still not caring enough about my health and appearance to put the workout tape back in the vcr or log my points each day. as long as the number on the scale is still lower than it was six months ago i seem not to care that it’s slowly creeping back up and my fitness level is regressing much faster than that.
i feel like i’m stuck and i can’t seem to bring myself to do so much as put on a pair of shoes and walk to the coffee shop on the corner, just to go outside and be around people; let alone get over my stupid infatuations and lingering feelings for men who are completely wrong for, not to mention not at all interested in, me. my fear of never meeting anyone new who could like and enjoy me keeps me isolated and reinforces my feeling uninteresting and unloveable.
i’ve been dreaming about people who have passed from my life, either through death or desertion. this week, a co-worker was killed on the highway and my cat was put down to end his long suffering. the vivid dreams have just accentuated my feelings of loss and loneliness. i wake and i wish i’d never slept or, at the very least, not dreamt.
oh, i know i’ve got a pretty spectacular life compared to a lot of people. that the time i spend belabouring my issues could be much better spent bettering myself or society, but i’m so paralyzed by the perceived enmormity of the tasks which need addressing that i can’t even do so much as get up and scrub the rings from the stove or hang art on the walls. i complain about being alone, but when people ask to spend time with me i blow them off so i can spend more time alone brooding about being alone. yeah, i think i’m crazy, too.
now that i’ve gotten that all out of me, i hope i can get my rapidly enlarging ass in gear and get some shit done.

my great amazing race (slash housewarming) party has been cancelled (or, indefinitely postponed for the more optimistic out there). it was just far too demoralizing to have the rsvps number three-to-one in the negative. hey, at least this way i don’t have to fret about getting pictures hung by friday or what food to make! although, i do still have to company-clean because i have an alternate dinner date with a hot guy who wants to come by to see the new place (yeah! take that!). then again, i shouldn’t get too cocky for fear of his cancelling on me right as i’m getting my glam on.
going away this weekend seriously cut into my world of warcraft time. if i’d known how stupid addictive it would be, i just might have cancelled to stay home to slay things and quest my little heart out. no, i’m not in the beta, but i did luck out enough to get into the week-long stress test. i’ve not really cared about a video game of any sort since 1994 when i spent every waking moment playing lands of lore, but i can see that when WoW comes out it’s going to be my crack of choice. now i know what all those everquest junkies were going on about.
for some reason i’ve decided that today is to be a girlie day. i’m all decked out in a skirt, powder blue and delicate shoes. i’m not quite sure what’s going on. it’s probably hormonal, either that or i’m in dire need of psychiatric assistance. luckily i was running late so there was no time for makeup, that’s just going too far.
p.s. i really need a redesign soon, because, god forbid i have a layout for more than a year.