Category Archives: Words

i am tired. no, i don’t think you quite understand. i am very tired.
it feels like a fucking truck ran over me all night long. i’m sick of needing the fan on to sleep because although it may cool me down enough to enable me to lose consciousness, i’m acutely aware of the noise it makes and i never get a truly deep sleep.
i can only imagine what it will be like in a cabin with four other women and children in northern ontario in the middle of august.
ugh, kill me now.
the plus side: dad’s making me pancakes for dinner.

it’s exactly where he left it almost a month ago. for some reason, i can’t bring myself to move it from where it sits on the kitchen counter. a stupid, almost-empty bottle of water. a bottle of water he bought and drank from. he touched it. his lips were on it. he held it in his hands. he left it in that spot in my house.
i can’t remove it.
it’s been a tough week, emotionally. i’m happy about so many things which are going on, but that just makes it worse. they are the things i would have been telling him a month ago. bubbling over with enthusiasm and my patented ineffective babbling. there are still so many things i wanted to show him, places i wanted to take him. we ran out of time.
if he lived here, i would have showed up at his doorstep a dozen times or more by now. the middle of the night, in my pajamas, my hair as restless as my attempts to sleep, falling against him as he opened the door, my arms around his waist, my head pressed to his chest and saying “hold me.” but he doesn’t live here.
that was the problem.
i miss the way he touched me. the way his beard felt on my back, his hands rubbing lotion into the blisters on my baby toes, his lips on mine. i miss the way he looked at me with utter appreciation, without a hint of disdain.
the only thing he didn’t love about me was my belief i am unloveable. how’s that for ironic?
so, i’ve been sad this week. i’m feeling the lack of all that i had and could have kept. i miss it all. i miss him.

there were indications this was going to be an unusal day.
i drug myself out of bed, showered, shaved my legs (that in itself is an occasion worth mention), slipped into my alternative underwear and pulled on a skirt, tight shirt and shoes with heels. i shadowed by eyes, painted my lashes and misted myself with the delicate fragrance of raspberries. a quick check of supplies later and i was off to start my day.
two hours later i discovered i’d gotten my period.
why, gaia, do you always bless me with this reminder of my fertile womanhood when i both least expect or want it? not only have you messed up my undergarment experiment (both literally and figuratively) but ruined my nascent plans to give into carnal pleasures with those who covet them with me. why, gaia, why? you could at least send me a memo a day or two in advance!
that being said, i just snapped the head off the supervisor from another department who thought she could micro-manage me like she does her own lackeys. “i know,” i said, “i’ve been doing this job for six years.” as if i have forgotten today is a bi-weekly deadline! grr.
i think i might be a titch cranky.

do you know it’s margarita thursday at the cactus club? *hic* well, i do!

my head feels like it’s three times its normal size, stuffed with itchy cotton and attached to my neck with three slip stiches so that it never quite says upright, just lolls back and forth and around and around. it’s both really neat and really disconcerting. dear gawd, i did not want to get out of bed this morning. i can’t wait until the sun sets at 8pm again so i can not feel guilty for going to bed before ten. what? if your alarm went off at five-thirty, you’d want to be in bed by ten, too.
i’m getting excited about my trip now. i still have a wedding and bridal shower presents to buy and i should probably buy gifts for the wee second cousins i haven’t met yet on either side of my family tree. i need to look for a dress for the wedding and buy some light, summery, hot-weather clothes because i don’t think the cousins i’m staying with would appreciate my standard m.o. in hot weather of wandering around naked. oh, yeah. i need some mosquito repellant. the last thing i want as a souvenier is the west nile virus. although, i successfully flew to edmonton and back and didn’t get the sars, so maybe i have good anti-viral mojo. regardless, i need to get me some deep woods off or some such. i hope it doesn’t stink too bad.
boys are fucking annoying and i just want to kill them all. i want to run away to cambodia with angelina jolie and leave all the stinky boys behind to rot. grr.
p.s. i left my sexxy pen at home and i feel naked without it.

i’ve kind of talked myself out in email and instant messages lately. there’s a lot going on with people in my life right now. most of it is interesting only to myself and those in the know, though. it doesn’t make for very interesting reading. i’m sorry.
although, there is something i’m curious about. while sitting on the futon melting from the heat the other night, i landed on a strange show on the cbc called spynet. i couldn’t help but wonder if this was some nefarious plan by csis (the canadian version of the cia) to indoctrinate young people into becoming spies.
really, it’s a brilliant idea and i can see how it could have been used by these agencies for decades. infiltrate the entertainment industry and influence the creation of television shows and movies that basically teach viewers how to kill a man, sneak into a highly secure facility, trace a bad guy, fly a helicopter, fashion a running automobile out of duct tape and belly button lint and then watch the new, partially trained and mostly brain-washed recruits line up for duty!
just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

i’m chalk full of heated lethargy and internal conflict. i need an ice cream sandwich and a swimming pool. i feel the need to become nocturnal and spend a lot of time reading. i have three weeks to look really good for my cousin’s wedding and i’m not going to make that deadline. thank goodness i’m getting into interesting things at work. god, i’ve waited so long for this. i’m very excited, but trying not to jump the gun. okay, lunchtime.

i’m a cineplex criminal. after leaving bad boys ii, karen and i snuck into see the league of extraordinary gentlemen. i recommend you do the same, because you’ll probably not appreciate paying to see it.
for all those following along at home, i look Hot, with a capital h, in my new shirt & jeans. good enough to eat! mrawr.

i love my friends more than i could ever say.

the clouds are doing amazing things in the sky outside my window. i keep getting lost in them when i look away from my work. i love that.
update: told you!

i was going to tell you all about the Best Salad Ever last night, but i’m still having issues with my webhost’s server relocation. they’re not replying to my emails and i’m really beginning to get pissed off. instead, i’m going to give you the recipe:
The Best Salad Ever
red leaf lettuce, torn to bite-size
radicchio, torn to bite-size
radishes, thinly sliced
sweet red onion, thinly sliced
japanese cucumbers, roughly chopped
orange bell pepper, roughly chopped
tomato, roughly chopped
toss together, and serve with:
1 dollop salsa (i used que pasa mild)
1-2 tbsp roasted pumpkin seeds (i used organic)
1-2 tbsp dressing (i used organic italian with roasted red pepper by simply natural – my new favourite dressing)
dusted with shaved parmesano reggiano cheese
all i can say is that i was sitting there, all alone, moaning every time i took a bite of this amazing meal. holy crap. i’m so glad i made a big bowl, ’cause i get more today for lunch! yay!
in other news, work stuff is getting very exciting and interesting. it won’t be an overnight change, but there’s a definite possibility that i won’t be doing the crap data entry for very much longer. cross your fingers for me, please. this is exactly what i’ve wanted my position to morph into for the last couple of years. now my boss is initiating the changes which should finally get me there. i’m trying not to look too far forward or get too excited, but i can say it’s making getting up at 5:30am a lot easier the last couple of days.
i had a really vivid morgan-dream the other night. i was so happy to have him there, to meet his parents and be in his arms. he had hair in my dream, though, which isn’t too odd considering the first photo i ever saw of him was with a full head of fur. i woke up feeling rather lonely.

while watching big brother last night, i realized that i could never be a contestant on that show. i think i could get used to sleeping with twelve strangers. i think i could get over having cameras record everything i do, twenty-four hours a day. i think i could even play the mental game in order to acheive a half-million dollar success. what i couldn’t deal with, and this would drive me insane, is not being able to write anything for three months.
seriously, they’re not allowed pens or pencils in that house. there is no writing of any sort. i understand why. the producers want the contestants to have to say everything so that they can record it for your viewing pleasure. that’s why you’ll see them with messages to friends and family written on their clothing with mascara or mustard. no paper. no pens. no typewriter. no computer. i think i’d go bonkers.
it may not look like it to the casual reader, but this outlet helps me put a lot of my life into perspective. i spend time thinking how i’m going to present certain occurances in my life. how to describe the actions or feelings of a moment in my life. it helps me to work through difficult issues or cement the more enjoyable memories in my mind.
of course, one could say that i could mentally compose all these things and then just not write them out. well, yeah, i could, but every once in a while i’m unbelieveably clever and if i didn’t have the opportunity to jot that down, i’d forget it and be all sad. i’m not that clever all that often. i feel i must record those moments for posterity, just to prove i was once really witty.
p.s. there’s a link to my rss 1.0 feed over to the left under “things”. all the really cool kids have rss feeds, you know.

crabby girl!
my site is all fucked up depending on how up to date your isp’s dns records are. i can’t tell if mine are lagging behind or everyone else’s are. i’m getting pissed off and i’m just about to start sending nasty ims to my web host proprietors. grr.
i’m wearing a skirt today because i was too lazy to do laundry last night. instead, i made a pot of killer spaghetti sauce. if you want some, come on over tonight, but you have to bring spaghetti because i cooked the last of the pasta to make my lunch. bring some salad, too. and maybe some garlic bread. i have wine and parmesan cheese. we can have a feast!
my sleep was much improved last night. i only woke up twice during the night and my dreams, while still extremely vibrant and involving, weren’t enough to disturb what rest i could gather. i think i’ve solved one of the problems to my sleeplessness by using my last breathe right strip. i guess i’ll stop at the store and buy some more. it really is amazing how much better one can rest when they can breathe properly. i wish they didn’t look so goofy or i’d wear one all the time.

i’m home from visiting my mom, eating birthday cake & shopping, but i can’t see my blog. which is really odd because i can see almost everything else at fubsy.net. if you can see this, please email me. the link is over to the left under “contact”. thanks.
update: okay, i think i’ve figured out what the problem is. i’ve fixed this page, but none of my php-enabled pages are currently working. that means no photo galleries or archives for the time being. i’ll let you know when it’s working after i kick some web host butt.

1. Strawberries or blueberries? blooberries! strawberries are good in stuff, but blooberries are better on their own.
2. “Legally Blonde 2” or “Terminator 3”? legally blonde 2. arnie just doesn’t do it for me anymore.
3. Hamburgers or hot dogs? boca burgers, although i’ve just recently started eating veggie dogs again.
4. Boating or hiking? boating, if i had the opportunity.
5. Suntan lotion or sunblock? neither. i don’t really get out in the sun enough to bother.
6. “Big Brother” or “The Amazing Race”? i prefer the amazing race, but i watch them both.
7. Beach Boys or Jimmy Buffett? beach boys. i know not this buffett you speak of.
8. Grow your own produce or buy from supermarket/greengrocer/farm stand? if i had a greenhouse such as we used to have in our backyard, i’d be all over growing my own. now, i buy either from the big grocery store or the farm market near work.
9. Drive with car windows/top down, or with air-conditioning on? windows down, but only because i don’t have a/c.
10. Go away for vacation, or stay at home? a little bit of both. i like to go away for a while and then come home and recouperate for an equal amount of time.
[this-or-that]

[ brought to you by kemie ]

hey, look… it’s another exciting entry about how tired i am! yippee! bleh.
bad news: i poked around the westjet site this morning and discovered they’ve jacked the ticket prices to thunder bay by almost $150 since the last time i was planning my trip. good news: greyhound does have buses to dryden leaving winnipeg which time almost perfectly to flights into/outfrom there so i wouldn’t have to deal with staying overnight if i travel that way.
fuck this chit-chat. i need more coffee.