over the last ten years, the bank of canada has phased out one- and two-dollar bills, replacing them with coins (called “loonies” and “toonies” respectively). while thinking about a possible visit to the peeler bar, i started to wonder if it wasn’t a direct result of a strategic lobby by the stripper’s union to increase their take from customers wanting to cop a feel by sticking a bill in a g-string. now they have no choice but a five-dollar ante.
i don’t even want to think about where they’d put the coins.
north america needs more bidets.
hey, look! it’s three a.m! what the fuck am i doing awake?
i made this paella tonight, throwing in some chopped up cooked chicken breast for a little protein. i can honestly say that this is my new favourite food. although next time, i decree, there will be prawns!
naps are wonderful, magical things!
after sleeping for ninety minutes or so, i got up when the phone rang, checked my messages, did the dishes, got dressed, went grocery shopping, put gas in the car, and now i’m home again cooking a $1.99 frozen pizza and munching mini oreos. yay!
now if only i didn’t have to go to work tomorrow…
i’m popular today. karen phoned at ten to see if i wanted to go to a double-feature at the hollywood tonight, so i said sure. then my dad phoned to ask if wanted to go to the pne with him tonight, but i had to turn him down because karen asked first. then my mom phoned and told me she’d finally sold my golf clubs and she’s giving bob a finder’s fee and keeping some for herself to tide her over, so i told her to keep it all. yeah, i’m a wonderful person. now, i’m sitting here in my ugly plaid bathrobe, with one shoe on, feeling like complete ass, yet craving pizza. i have dishes and laundry to do, groceries to buy and i need to fix something for lunch tomorrow but i want nothing to do with any of that. i think i’m going to go back to bed for a while.
the only good thing so far is my email is working again. woofuckinghoo.
welcome to the new webhost. if anything breaks, please let me know.
in lieu of content, i give you:
why is it that when i’m all goofy over a guy, other guys seem to start being all “hey babe, how you doin'” everywhere? i read once that when you’re in love (or like or lust) you’re happy and that transforms you into this positivity broadcaster. you can’t help but radiate good vibes which in turn acts like a beacon to the people around you. they pick up on your hightened mojo and are attracted to that, for at least enough time to give you a smile and a nod in line at the grocery store or somesuch. it’s pretty cool, actually. it also says a lot about keeping a positive attitude even when things are shite.
speaking of happy, kevin sent me a copy of my favourite movie ever as a belated-birthday-slash-you’re-cool present. i keep telling him he’s too generous (this is the same guy who sent me a copy of still life with woodpecker for no good reason last year), but he’s arguing with me. well, okay, maybe he’s not too generous, i haven’t gotten a new computer in the mail yet. *wink*
yes. that’s pretty much exactly the way it happens. *sigh*
tell me a story…
i’m obviously more wonderful than i originally gave myself credit for. i should remedy that.
other than a fast trip to the store to buy doritos and fruit last night, i didn’t leave my apartment all weekend.
no. nothing is wrong.
no. i don’t want to talk about it.
really, i’m fine.
the doritos were really tasty.
i liked being alone and unbothered with plans or responsibilities. i wish i could have stayed there for at least another day. the futon was really very comfortable this morning.
ever notice how chewing is one of the most unattractive things a person can do with their face? if you most people knew what they looked like while masticating, i guarantee they’d only do it in private.
Theodore and the Talking Mushroom
by Leo Lionni
In the stump of an old oak there lived four friends — a lizard, a frog, a turtle and a mouse called Theodore.
“Any time I lose my tail I can grow a new one,” boasted the lizard.
“I can swim under water,” said the frog.
“I can close like a box,” said the turtle.
“And you?” they asked the mouse.
Theodore, who was always afraid, blushed. “I can run,” he said.
The others laughed. “Ha! Ha! Ha!”
One day Theodore was frightened by a leaf that came fluttering down from a tree. “An owl!” He thought as he ran for cover.
Luckily he found a huge mushroom to hide under. He was too frightened to notice that it was as blue as an august sky. Theodore hid for a long time. He was tired. He had almost fallen asleep when suddenly he was startled by a strange noise. “Quirp!”
Theodore looked around, his little heart beating wildly. But all was quiet. “I must have dreamed it,” he thought, as he returned to the cool shade of the mushroom. He dozed off softly, when suddenly there was that noise again — “Quirp!”
It was the mushroom! Theodore was too excited to be frightened. “Can you talk?” He gasped. The mushroom did not answer, but after a little while it made the nose again. And again. Soon Theodore realized that the mushroom could not really speak. It could only say “Quirp!.”
Then he had an idea.
He went back to his friends. “I have something important to tell you,” he said mysteriously. “Some time ago I discovered a talking mushroom. The only one in the whole world. It is the Mushroom of Truth and I have learned to understand its language.”
He guided his friends toward the edge of the woods.
There stood the blue mushroom.
“Mushroom, speak!” Theodore commanded.
“Quirp!” said the mushroom.
“What does it mean?” asked Theodore’s friends, dumbfounded.
“It means,” said Theodore, “that the mouse should be venerated above all other animals.”
The news of Theodore’s discovery spread quickly. His friends made him a crown.
Animals came from far away with garlands of flowers.
Theodore was no longer afraid. He did not have to run — he did not even have to walk. Wherever he went he was carried on the turtle’s back on a cushion of flowers. And wherever he went he was venerated above all other animals.
One day he and his three friends went on a trip. They went far beyond the edge of the woods through the fields of heather. There lay the hills they had never crossed. The frog jumped ahead. Suddenly, from the top of the hill, he shouted, “Look! Look!”
The valley below was filled with hundreds of blue mushrooms! A chorus of “Quirp!” filled the air.
Speechless and bewildered they all gaped at the unexpected sight. Theodore knew he should say something but the words failed him and he just stood there trembling and stammering. Then his friends exploded with anger. “Liar!” “Faker!” “Fraud!” they shouted. “Charlatan!” “Scoundrel!” “Impostor!”
Theodore ran as he had never run before. Through the woods, past the blue mushrooms, past the old oak stump…
He ran and ran. And his friends never saw him again.
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shoes are both a blessing and a curse. i love shoes, but i also hate them. i love cute shoes, funky shoes, cool shoes, dorky shoes. yet, i hate that i’m forced to wear them all day in the office, even though i don’t walk around. i should be able to kick them off so my feet don’t get hot and sweaty as i sit here and type for eight hours. i’m going to start a campaign:
footwear-optional fridays!
who’s with me?
finally something to post about! my very first submission to the mirror project was accepted today. i’m so chuffed.
marie: “john bought us a mister yesterday.”
me: “mister?”
marie: “yeah, a thing you hook up to a hose and it shoots mist out so when it’s hot you can cool off.”
me: “oh. mister! a thing which mists.”
marie: “yeah. that’s what i said.”
me: “i thought you meant a mister, like mr. & mrs. dork!”
marie: “no. i think you are the dork.”
come on, what else was i supposed to think?
i just can’t get over the fact that both of my dental floss dispensers dispensed their last floss within two days of each other. i bought them months apart. this is not supposed to happen. i may have to go outside. then again, it’s got to be cooler out there than in here. oh, wait. i’m broke until pay-day. keep waiting, i’m broke after pay-day, too.
“gee, heather… whatever happened to that budget you rigged up?”
shuddup, i paid off my camera. that’s worth a little non-flossing starvation for a couple weeks, right?
one of the annual events vancouverites look forward to (or dread, depending on your perspective and residence) is the celebration of light, a four-night fireworks display/international competition which attracts half a million people to english bay to see half-hour displays of pyrotechnics with musical accompaniment.
luckily, i don’t have to even leave my apartment to enjoy them. here are my photos of this year’s participants.
p.s. canada won. yay!