dear searchers:
i thank you kindly for inflating my stats, but to all of you who arrive here searching for giraffes, albinos, sex, fuck and any combination thereof, i’m very sorry to disappoint. i admit the title of this site is devious and can cause confusion. it has very little to do with the inane ramblings of the author or the author herself, who is neither a giraffe, albino, fucker nor any combination thereof (although “fucker” might be debated by those in the know).
for your convenience, a short list of definitive sites which may be more to your liking:
– albino
– giraffe
– sex
have a nice day,
heather
this is a typical saturday night for me:
i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m never going to have sex again*. no, really. and not in a “woe is me, no one will ever want to have sex with me” kind of way. more like a “i don’t want to have sex with anyone”, “i think i should be celibate” way.
there are a lot of reasons, but mostly i think it boils down to two things:
– i don’t need the hassle. seriously! think about it, for the average schmoe who doesn’t have people throwing themselves at them begging to get naked & sweaty, the hunt for someone to get naked & sweaty with is a time-consuming business. there are so many other things i can do with my time instead of fretting over whether or not so-and-so would want to fuck me. i can have an orgasm pretty much any time i want one without anyone else’s participation. why put myself through that what-if hell? screw that (not literally), i’m going to put that energy towards more noble pursuits.
– i’m not very fond of being naked with company. most of the time, i don’t like the way my body looks clothed, let alone naked. but, i’m getting better about it, or i’m good at ignoring the fact since i spent about 95% of my time at home unclothed. but with someone else? naked? where they can see me? possibly in daylight? *shudder* i don’t think so. there’s hope that one day i’ll be over this impediment of mine, but for the time being i’m using it as a means to sustain my celibacy. it works for me.
*okay, i shouldn’t say never. if i’m lucky, i’ll meet someone before i die with whom i feel that overwhelming desire to share bodily fluids. if i’m even luckier, it will be something far more than chemicals driving us to ravenous thrusting. but, if i’m not so lucky, then i’ll have had lots of practice not, um, thrusting. hrm.
on second thought: is it considered sex if i get someone else off?
on third thought: i can’t help but think i wouldn’t be so willing to shuck off the idea of sex with a partner if i’d ever had truly great sex with someone else. i’m not blaming anyone, i just think it’s been better for them than for me. just a thought.
it makes me ridiculously happy that i managed to successfully complete the fireworks mx tutorial and the final product looks exactly as it should. i wish someone had told me about this sooner! of course, now that i can do what i needed done to continue with that design i mentioned, i don’t think i like the idea anymore. it pisses me off because i really do want to make a change, i just can’t think of what i want to change to.
in other news, i went to the used book store at lunch and got four books for ten dollars. four books for ten dollars. that doesn’t happen very often, i’m right chuffed about it.
tonight is dinner out with my daddy. i was going to tell you about the guy in the elevator with us last night who smiled at me when dad got out and it was both neat and a little creepy, but it didn’t sound as interesting typed out as it did in my head so i deleted it. too bad for you. oh, wait. i guess i told you anyway.
it’s been an odd sort of day. i really do believe i’m allergic to flourescent lights. is that possible? then why else do i get woozie in the afternoons? no, it couldn’t possibly my death-stare at the computer for eight hours. don’t look at me like that. stop it! don’t make me tell mom!
after work, i’m taking sandy to pick up her car, picking karen up to take her to the airport, dropping off dad’s cheque at his apartment, (hopefully) buying a new smartmedia card for the camera and then finally going home to corn on the cob and a hunk of watermelon. gee, i can’t wait to spend another night in my 33°c apartment. whee! fuck global warming, it’s not supposed to be this hot this early in the summer.
maybe i’ll stay at the airport a while taking pictures and soaking up the air conditioning. mmm, pictures. i hope they don’t arrest me.
for months i’ve been meaning to write about how i hate being pursued by men. i didn’t when it was topical because, well, i was being semi-stalked and i didn’t want to talk about it. i’m getting ready to now. but i probably won’t. like that near-lesbian experience i almost had in college i mentioned and then never expounded upon. god, i’m such a tease. how do you stand me?
by the way, if i ever find someone with mad photoshop skillz to help me with something, i’ll be launching a redesign in the next little while. don’t get your hopes up (or down), my interest in this current idea will probably wane the longer it takes me to post it. not much holds my interest lately.
so, um, big brother 3 starts tonight and i, um, was wondering if i’m, like, the only person even remotely, uh, excited about it.
i’m a picture taking fool!
i’m wearing my new underwear today. i love the pretty little blue flowers on them.
for most of the day i’ve felt like complete ass. my head was in serious pain and it was only getting worse. i was so miserable i even cancelled plans to go bowling (bowling!) with col tonight. after snarfing an extra-strength bufferin from someone, i’m feeling a lot more human, but since i believe this is the beginnings of a bug most foul, i’m going to go straight home to rest up instead of rescheduling (sorry, col!). tonight will be all about the baked potato and sauted mushrooms i’m going to whip up for dinner, reading, messing about online and maybe, just maybe, going to get another shot for my super-secret photo essay project. ack, i have to phone karen, as well.
sometimes i’m amazed by what i get my knickers in a knot about. i was talking about my transgendered friend with col (thrice mentioned in one post!) today and i told her how i thought he was more shocked that i was so blase about his news when it broke than i was about the news itself. it really didn’t phase me in the least that my girl friend was going to become a boy.
i mention this because i kind of went a little nuts last night when a friend told me that he was going to be an uncle (his unmarried, younger brother and his girlfriend are the impending parents). i asked if they were going to get wed and his reply was something like “possibly, but they’re still getting over the shock of the pregnancy”. this of course flipped my if-people-are-too-stupid-to-use-birth-control-then-they-should-be-sterilized switch in my head. i get so upset when i hear about “accidental” pregnancies. ugh. i don’t really have any reason too, either. i guess i think about all those children who are subjected to sub-standard lives (abuse, poverty, etc) or people whose futures are compromised because someone didn’t say no when their partner insisted they didn’t need any birth control.
true accidents do happen — condoms break and no form of birth control is one hundred percent effective — i’m not a complete idiot, no matter how this is sounding. but it’s not an accident if you’re not taking responsibility for the possible outcomes of your copulation.
i’m not going to turn this into a pro-choice rant, even though i’m sorely tempted to. i just find it interesting how liberal i am when it comes to people making decisions for themselves and their own lives and how much of a nazi bitch i become when it comes to people bringing unplanned children into the world. i’ve made no secret of the fact that i don’t want kids and, generally, can’t stand them (with certain noteable exceptions); but, i hate the thought that people are still out there fucking indescriminately and then saying “oops” as they pop out kids they don’t have the means or inclination to support and bring up to the barest minimum of twenty-first century standards.
ugh, even just re-reading that makes me twitch. i’m going to go home.
i suddenly feel like listening to music which will make me cry.
i need a webhost with a minimum of 100mb disk space, perl, php, mysql & ssi included, unlimited pop & forwarding email accounts and telnet access. oh, and it can’t cost more than $10usd per month. any tips?
p.s. why the fuck isn’t it four o’clock yet? fuck! this day is dragging like my mother’s pre-operative boobs!
i’m bored.
i’ll go do the dishes in a minute, but i’ve already watched the copy of mallrats the fantabulous jodi chromey sent me for my birthday, and i’d start reading the copy of american gods she sent with it, but i’m in the middle of the lord of chaos and i’m not starting anything new until i’m finished this series.
i’m just so bored. i’m always like this the night before i return to work after time off. the day flies by but the evening slows to a crawl in some subconscious time-bending desire to prolong my freedom. what that subconscious time-bender doesn’t realize is that it’s fucking annoying. i’ve done everything cinderella-like i need to do to be ready for work, so let’s just get on with it. make it bed time so i can start the grind all over again. bleh. time shouldn’t be so subjective, dammit.
someone asked me for a risque photo of myself now that i have a high-quality camera at my disposal. i think they’re nuts. it’s plainly obvious we haven’t met in person or they’d know asking me for naked, semi-naked or even pseudo-naked photographs is absurd. i’ll think of some sort of alluring, but not too naked, pose eventually. ankles are still sexy, right?
all right, this is nuts. i’ve had nine days off yet it feels like i’ve been busier than ever. i really need another week off to actually get around to relaxing. too bad i have to wait until september until i can. i’ll appreciate it more then. at least that’s what i’m telling myself.
i’ve done my laundry, dusted and vacuumed. now i’m going to throw on some grubbies to go buy some salad stuff (i need vegetables to counter-act all the cake people fed me this week), pick up whatever package is at the postal outlet and stop to take a couple pictures. then i’m coming home and i’m going to be a guiltless sloth. the closest to productivity i will come is making something for lunch tomorrow. other than that, i’m relaxation-girl. unless someone invites me out for beer.
short but sweet, that’s what my trips to the island are becoming and i don’t mind one little bit. i get out before i’ve worn out my welcome and i’m too ansty to stay a moment longer. i’m a fly-by hessie!
point form until i get some sleep:
– why does everyone want to feed you on your birthday?
– my cat loves me if i force him to.
– more flowers!
– “really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.”
oh, yeah, i bought my digital camera. click on my cat to see the rest of my weekend.
i want to thank everyone who sent me a birthday comment, email or voice mail message. you guys all rock. you helped make my day.
now, i’m off to the island for a couple of days. be good, play nice and don’t forget to clean up after yourselves while i’m gone.
i thought i’d feel different. you know, the way you think you’ll look different after you lose your virginity. but you don’t, no one notices, and you feel kind of disappointed that the whole world can’t tell. of course, it’s only six am and no one’s seen me yet to notice. maybe i expected sirens when i woke up this morning. maybe they’re waiting for my official natal anniversary of 9:03am instead. i should go get some more beauty rest. i hear you really need that once you’re thirty.
oh god. i’m thirty.
on the last night of my twenties, i’m sipping strawberry wine from a green plastic cup, watching gosford park, washing three pairs of jeans, snacking on popcorn & carrots and suffering from serious menstrual cramps. somehow, it all seems so very appropriate.
i’m now a card-carrying member of the vancouver art gallery thanks to my mom. i feel so worldly, almost.
pre-dinner cocktail: spicy caesar
starter: grilled wild mushrooms with garlic mashed potatoes and roasted red pepper coulis
main entre: cajun alaskan halibut with apricot salsa, basmati rice pilaf, and a sea asparagus, red pepper & carrot medley
dinner cocktail: granny smith martini
dessert: khalua creme brulee with maple biscotti and a birthday candle
after dinner beverage (at home): strawberry white zinfandel
i’ve never had the opportunity to partake of a three-hundred dollar dinner before. i probably never would have if it wasn’t for my friends and their desire to indulge me so for my birthday. now, i’m home listening to the rain against my window and waiting for the next fork of lightning to illuminate my apartment.
at this moment, i feel like i’m the luckiest girl in the whole world.
p.s. happy canada day!
…enter your apartment and have to stomp two, big, squishy spiders in twenty seconds. *shudder* i wish it wasn’t almost midnight. that means i have to pick up the carcasses instead of vacuuming them. ugh, i may vomit. i’m also having phantom creepy-crawlies all over my body. i think i’ll be awake for quite a bit longer than i’d hoped. *twitch*
update: to add insult to injury, the wad of paper towels i used to reluctantly dispose of the bodies plugged the toilet and it overflowed! fuck.