only three people want holiday cards? geez… oh well, i guess i get to go cheap on postage but all out on super-spiffy cards, then.
i needed that.
thanks to everyone who had something kind to say in reply to my last two posts. i really appreciate it, even though i believe i told you not to reply! that’s okay, i didn’t expect it, so i’m just glad you thought enough of me to take the time.
i had a wicked john cusack dream last night. so wicked, in fact, i tried desperately to get back to sleep so i could continue hugging and loving on him. *sigh* dreams are good.
i’m currently a wee bit preoccupied with worry about a small domestic issue. i was making my breakfast to bring to work (toast with peanut butter & strawberry jam) and my toast burned. horribly, horribly burned. there was a good foot of smoke hanging from the ceiling. i threw open the kitchen window and fanned the smoke towards it. i opened the bathroom window in hopes of getting cross-breeze, then i fanned some more. all this was in desperate hope to get the smoke outside before it reached the smoke detector in the main room.
i think i managed to clear it all out, but i was running late for work and had to shut the windows because it’s damn cold lately. my worry is that there was still enough smoke left inside that it will work its way to the smoke detector, set it off, alert my neighbours who will think my apartment is on fire because i’m not there to fan the lingering smoke away and they’ll call the fire department and i’ll show up at home tonight and all my neighbours will hate me because i’m a bad toast-maker.
*gasp*
i almost turned around and went back home to double-check. then i thought about firemen in my apartment and i worried because my vibrator is sitting on my desk, right out in the open. it’d be almost, but not quite as bad as the time my bathroom sink was leaking into my downstairs neighbour’s apartment and the caretakers had to go in to fix it and i was on the rag and the trash can had dirty pads in it. unwrapped dirty pads. i’m still embarassed about that.
anyway, i’m going to have to talk to my boss about either getting someone to help me with my current workload or arranging some overtime to get everything done i need to do. i think i’ll have to come in at least some time this weekend just to catch up. oh well, it’s not like i had other plans, right? although, i have this sick desire to go see the erotic hypnotist at the arts club theatre tomorrow night. i won’t be able to talk meg et al into going, so i’m safe.
so, yeah. thanks. y’all are sweet and very much too nice to me.
i’m boycotting blogs, email, and instant messages for the rest of the day and all of tonight. if you know how to find me by telnet, i’ll probably be there. if not, too bad. you’ll just have to deal without me.
i wrote a long, bare-my-soul type post this morning. i was all set to upload it and then i read andrea’s comment about the purple pirate finding this site via his referral logs. that got me to worrying about tarnishing my image by letting people read the truth about me.
the truth.
i mean, that guy from hot-or-not surely won’t want to email me anymore if he reads what i wrote. the purple pirate, who probably doesn’t remember me from a specific balloon poodle he made, wouldn’t think i was cool after that. everyone will read it and think “ew. i can’t believe i thought i liked her. she’s so fucked up!”
well, fuck you if you can’t handle it. if you don’t want to read it, then don’t. just skip right down the page, or leave entirely, i don’t care which. make up your mind, because here it comes:
i’ve been thinking about why i haven’t had any wild sex. i’m sure it’s part and parcel of my general lack of practical sexual experience. i’m wildly green for a twenty-nine year old. but, even more than that… i think i’m gross and getting naked in front of people makes me shy and scared.
i’m fat, you see. actually, i think the clinical term is obese. really, really fat. if you saw me walking down the street your eyes would narrow critically and think “ew, what a slob”. sometimes, i delude myself into thinking i’m a pretty attractive person. i know for a fact i’m actually somewhat cute… from the neck up. that’s why there are very few full-length pictures available of me. i’ve got to sustain the illusion of my allure. it’s all i’ve got.
when someone expresses an interest in me, i get happy and i’m flattered and i’m attracted and i feel somewhat better about myself. until i see myself in the mirror as i’m walking around my apartment. that’s when the “they’ll run screaming when they see me naked” thoughts begin. they’ve effectively sabotaged several pretty good chances at my having a normal relationship in the past. i just can’t rid myself of the prejudice against human nature’s ingrained desire for physical beauty above all things.
i am not physically beautiful.
although, that does not mean i am not beautiful in other ways.
it’s taken me a very long time to be able to say, think, and write that last sentence. the hardest part was learning to believe it. thankfully, i do now. i truly do.
but, i still think i’m gross to look at.
the worst part about having these feelings is not being able to express them to anyone else. as soon as you do utter something of this sort about yourself, the person you’re uttering them to feels some urge to assure you, emphatically, that you are indeed beautiful and it doesn’t matter how fat you are or how big your nose is. they take great pains to try to make you feel better when, in fact, all they’re doing is making themselves feel better. people don’t like to hear another put themselves down because it arouses all their own self-doubts and self-confidence issues. they immediately quash their negativity with heaps of positive platitudes in order to stuff down their rising fear of being discovered as a less-than-good-enough person.
i don’t want people to attempt to reassure me that i’m not unattractive. they can’t ever assure me that i’m not fat, which is what i mean when i say “i’m icky”. i’m icky because people don’t lust and fantasize over fat girls. normally, that is. i’m fully aware of the “chubby chaser” breed of human; but, they’re rare and are often ashamed of their preference.
but, for now, when i try to have a relationship of any sort there’s always that lingering fear in the back of my mind. that little voice that whispers to me in the dark of night: “so what if they think you’re smart? so what if they think you’re funny? they haven’t seen you with your clothes off yet… that’s when they’ll run!”
don’t start with the “obviously you’re not gross. people have had sex with you” bit. trust me, i’ve tried to use that on myself a million times. but, thinking about the people i’ve had sex with, i fairly sure i’m right when i say i was just scratching an itch they couldn’t reach, if you know what i mean. i was convenient, willing and warm. that’s all they needed at the time, so i fit the bill. don’t make that clucking noise with your tongue, either. it’s okay. most of them were just convenient for me, too.
i have hope though. i have the hope that someday i’ll find someone in whom i trust so much that i’ll be able to ignore that voice. that there’s a person out there who can love every part of me like the other. that my insides and my outsides are all beautiful to them and they will wonder over every bit and in their wonder i will be at peace.
oh, the sexy chair is on sale this week. just when i’d resolved not to spend anymore money on big-ticket items. maybe that’s what i’ll ask for xmas from dad instead of a digital camera.
i’m smoking too much lately. i’m not really sure why. instead of one each way to/from work, i’m having two. instead of not smoking at all at home, i’ve found myself out on the balcony in snow, sleet, rain and wind, hugging myself in my wool sweater to keep warm while i powersmoke my brains out. i’m obviously lacking something.
it’s probably kissing.
no preamble, let’s get right down to thursday morning mpeg business:
“Rasputin” by Boney M
my mother had this album in the early 80’s. i used to listen to this song over and over again, delighting in its pre-techno rhythm. i remember the summer day she left the curtains open and the sunlight warped it while it sat on the turntable. i was distraught. i’m sure you will be too, when you hear it.
next time, don’t give me a chance to think. just grab me and kiss me, if that’s what you want to do.
have i mentioned that only one person has been able to make me smile in the last three days?
okay, remember a couple weeks ago when i had that great day out with meghan. yeah, the day i won the lottery. do you remember the purple pirate who was flirting with me at mcdonalds? well, it seems he has a website. yeah, i know… “doesn’t everyone?”
the other oddish thing, his name is dustin which is the same as my electrician apprentice crush from this spring. is it a sign? is it fate? should i email him and tell him my balloon poodle is drooping and i need it pumped back up? *wink*nudge*leer*
i slept funny and now i have a sore neck. hopefully it won’t take two weeks to unkink itself like last time.
so, my lovely buttercup wants wild sex stories. and, although i’d love to oblige, i have none. nope. not a single, solitary one. the closest i’ve gotten to wild sex was what joe and i did in the driveway one chilly november afternoon in worcester. that wasn’t even sex, just a wee bit of mutual masturbation (sorry, heather… i don’t think i told you about that, even though you almost caught us).
i have a great sexual fantasy life and i desire a ream of kinky, taboo, bi-sexual things, but i’ve yet to get a chance to fulfill them. i have to be truly comfortable with someone before i’ll go whole hog and let the slut in me out. i suppose i haven’t had time enough with any one person to get that comfortable. that’s not entirely true… i got pretty freaky with paul. no wonder i want talk to him again.
too bad i missed national naughty fantasy day yesterday… i’m suddenly feeling warm and expressive. *dreamy smile*
see, i knew iain was the sweetest boy on the planet. even if he doesn’t ever send the things he says he’ll send. *grin*
i have really good eyebrows.
just so you know, everyone who sends me their address by the end of the week will receive a real, live (well, it used to be), honest-to-goodness xmas/holiday card from canada. *jingle*
the only good thing about snow is being able to catch up on my reading while taking the bus to work.
if you listen very carefully, you can tell which man is walking up behind you by the jingle of the change in his pocket.
i realize i’m twenty-nine years old. i know that in eight months time i will reach the thirtieth anniversary of my birth. i’m fully cognizant of these facts; yet, when i meet people whose ages begin with “3” i think “wow, they are so much older than me.”
i wonder if i’ll ever feel my age. some moments i wish i felt how i think twenty-nine should feel. i should have everything a little more together than i think i have it. i should be smarter and more mature. i should be grounded. i shouldn’t want to skip down the hall at work or make airplane noises and swoop past co-worker’s desks.
or should i?
maybe i don’t *look* my age because i don’t *feel* my age. hmm…
i overslept, but didn’t care, so i stopped to put gas in the car and won 50 bonus points! the commute was blissful considering black ice warnings and the pressing urge to beat my boss to work. i played the “age game” with anthony. we’re both much older than we were. he’s 31 but looks 28. he thought i was 24. whee! that was a nice way to start the day.
the weekend went by too quickly. but, it was good. i ate too much yesterday, but i hadn’t ate enough on saturday, so it all balances out. i tried salmon for the first time. i wasn’t impressed. i finally finished listening to lord of the rings. now i’m ready for the movie, although it will be weird for the characters not to have british accents.
i’m not coherent, but that’s okay. i’m cute and i don’t look my age. =)
bleh
my plan for saturday:
– laundry
– take out garbage
– go to bank
– go to other bank
– reply to email i’ve neglected
– do dishes
– return library book
– debate merits of buying hard drive vs. buying chair
– go to meg’s for a cod bbq
– win lottery (oh, wait… i did that last saturday)