– this weekend, besides cleaning out my closets, i want to go here and see what they have in the way of good, used SLR cameras. if they have something for a reasonable price, i may spend what’s left of the weekend taking pictures of the stuff i took out of my closets.
– lately, i’ve been down to one or two cigarettes a day. total. it’s not really a conscious decision to slow down or stop, but i just haven’t been around places i could smoke more. i could choose to continue having my couple of fags a day and then binge smoke on the weekends while with my friends or i could stop completely during the week and binge smoke on the weekends or i could smoke a few during the week and a few on the weekends or none during the week and a few on the weekends or not smoke any at all. too many choices. i need a smoke…
– i’m having the worst bad hair week i can remember. i blame it on my father. this whole being at his place to pick him up at 6:30am gig is really fucking with my morning ablutions. i’m used to getting up between 5:30 and 6:00 and having until at least until quarter to seven to pad about sleepily before i’m forced to go out into the cruel cold world. i never realized how much that extra fifteen or twenty minutes meant to the preparation of my physical appearance to the world.
– speaking of the daddy cab service i’m running, i really hope his car isn’t ready today and i have to chauffeur him tomorrow. i had been invited to a bridal shower gone co-ed tomorrow after work, but i’d actually rather not go. if i have to take dad home, that would be the perfect “previous committment” to get me out of it without guilt. blood’s thicker than corona, you know.
i’m going to start a little something new ’round these parts: the thursday morning mpeg! every thursday, i’ll upload a song i like and you can listen to it, or not, as you will. there will be no archive. the song will only be available for one week.
this week it’s “the japanese song” by bowser & blue. i’m sure i’ve heard it before, but a recent reintroduction to it by mark had me chuckling for the rest of the night. i hope you like it… if not, you suck!
last night, amongst other plot elements and settings, i drempt that i was shopping in a rather crappy target store in nova scotia. i was looking for a pair of underwear and some snack foods. i was horrified at the lack of quality merchandise (although i did find a pretty pair of royal blue silk panties for cheap) and kept thinking “why does paige love this place so much?”
i love it when i get the last bag of peanut m&ms from the vending machine. *munch*
i find myself being very self-conscious about the number of paragraphs i begin with the letter “i”. especially when it’s used as a pronoun. “i blah blah blah…” i look back over the page and cringe. i purposefully rework entries before posting to eliminate as many as possible.
then i think about why i’m doing that. why i’m worried about it. this is my fucking website. if i want to start every sentence with “i” why not? this is about me. me! me! me! if you don’t like it, go read that insightful crap on other people’s pages.
just. can’t. stay. awake. it’s not like i didn’t get a full eight hours of sleep, either. i think it’s the weather. two weeks ago, i rushed home to have a cold shower in order to feel normal. last night, i rushed home to have a hot shower to feel normal. hell, i turned the fucking heat on last night. it’s august. i shouldn’t be turning the heat on in august.
if you’re looking for me, i’ll be the girl with tears running down her face from yawning so hard and so often.
how annoying is this?! there is only one section left for the course i want to take this fall and it’s from 1 – 4pm on saturdays! of course, that’s better than 9am-noon on saturdays, but still! why not thursdays? thursdays are a good night to be in class. *sigh* now i have to decide if i’m willing to sacrifice twelve saturdays this fall…
every once in a while i feel the need to stretch my web-legs and find new people to peek in on. today’s discoveries include:
messy chestnut – small fonts, long posts, big words. it’s like he made it just for me.
what i learned today – more useless facts to take up valuable real estate within my brain.
how to talk dirty & influence people – miss junglista is one spicy babe.
because i’m such a slave to both fashion and memes, i wanted to be just like jena and show off my newest shoe acquisition. besides the fact they’re cute as hell…
they cost me $100 less than retail! i’m so very, very good…
there should be no reason why i woke up at 4:43 this morning. there should be even fewer reasons why i actually got up out of bed, made coffee and got dressed at that god-awful hour of the day. especially considering it’s raining and i have to drive dad to & from work for the next couple days while his car is in the shop. not that i begrudge driving him — he’s bailed me out far too many times for me to care about that. i’m just worried that i won’t be able to have my morning smoke… it could be dangerous.
btw, this is what i was working on yesterday instead of actual work.
it’s 11:48 am. i’ve just finished my lunch. it was very tasty. i’ve spent the morning pissing around with web stuff. that’s all. the pile of work i need to accomplish is getting bigger every minute. do i care? no, not really. do i care that i don’t care? a little, but not much. i’d rather be doing what i was doing or reading my new book (gilgamesh by stephan grundy) or be at a matinee…
oh, shit. that’s not very living in the moment, is it? see how easy it is to slip back into old patterns? okay, i’m going to enjoy what i’m doing at this moment.
even if it isn’t what they’re paying me for. *grin*
i think it’s the last-ditch effort of the single twenty-(almost thirty)-something to start taking classes. yesterday, i caught myself seriously perusing the list of courses being offered through the community centre this fall. i even went so far as to circle some. but, the worst and most desperate thing i could have done was consciously decide that i needed to go to classes where there would be a good chance of there being men present.
no, can’t take flower arranging.
no, no, no. not the weight loss seminar.
oh! yeah! home electrical wiring! that’s more like it!
ooh… first aid!
i’d probably have more luck if i went back to “real” school, but i just can’t decide which branch i want to pursue: programming, networking or web design/admin. besides, all they really offer for web work are courses in java and photoshop. networking mightn’t be so horrible, but then i’ll spend my life chasing microsoft certifications.
as for the classes, i’ll probably end up taking yoga with meghan and possibly japanese – level one. neither will really do much for me, but they’ll get me out of the house two nights a week.
i wasn’t prepared for it at all. it came as a total shock and i still don’t think i’ve recovered. dean propositioned me for sex last night. the only thing i could think to day was “uh…” the conversation went something like this:
me: how was golf?
him: it was good.
[insert perky banter]
me: you’re wired for sound tonight.
him: i’m not weird!
[insert more banter]
him: i was kind of hoping for sex tonight.
me: this game is better than sex [i was playing pong]
[insert yet more chit chat]
him: i can be there in five minutes.
me: uh…
besides the fact that recreational sex is not in my nature (as the whole jason fiasco revealed), there are a stack of reasons why sleeping with dean would be detrimental to my tenuous grasp of a social life. i’ve also come to the conclusion that right now, i’m just not interested in getting sticky with another person. i have some issues i need to deal with before i’m ready for that kind of interaction.
i just really hope this doesn’t fuck up our card nights.
i had a complete and utter alzheimer’s moment this morning as i was leaving for work. i made my breakfast, packed my bag, put on my shoes and grabbed my keys. as i walked out the front door to my car, i kept one arm in front of my face so i wouldn’t walk headlong into a spider web. there’s nothing worse than getting a face full of web first thing in the morning. you spend the next then minutes dancing around like a dervish brushing yourself off and praying there are no spiders in your hair or on your clothing.
the next thing i remembered, i was standing at the driver’s side door of my car attempting to put a house key into the door lock. i was gripped by uncertainty. did i lock my apartment door? i honestly couldn’t remember.
standing there, i debated whether i had to go back in to ensure my abode was secure against invaders.
“it’s not like i left the iron on,” i thought, “there’s no threat of fire.”
yeah, but would you rather have all your stuff stolen or destroyed in flames?
i grudgingly trudged back inside and turned the handle on my door. yeah. it was locked. i hadn’t felt like a knob until that moment. then i wondered how i could possibly manage to lock the door and get from point a to point b without even remembering doing so.
being that unaware of my actions concerns me. i’ve been thinking lately about the concept of living in the moment, not the past or the present. even my father has been telling me lately “don’t wish your life away” when, on a slow wednesday morning, i’d tell him i couldn’t wait for the weekend. i have a bad tendency to dwell on the past and relive my mistakes. equally, i tend to spend too much time dreaming about what may come, how things may turn out, without actually planning for alternate outcomes, which causes me distress which i will brood upon once the moment has passed.
i want to be happy to be me, at this moment. i want to be able to let go of my past and not let it control me and hinder me from making better choices now, in the present. i keep making the same mistakes over and over because i haven’t let go of the circumstances in which i made the mistake the first time. until i do, i will be doomed to be either alone or in self-destructive relationships. until i do, i will be fat and unhealthy. until i do, i will be insecure and self-doubting.
at this moment, i am glad i’m writing this down.
i don’t mean to bust in on paige’s schtick, but this word of the day was just too fitting to the weblog/journalling community that i couldn’t help but share it:
idiolect (ID-ee-uh-lekt) noun Language usage pattern unique to a person.
“See the unique way you put words together? That’s your idiolect: your personal dialect. That’s your language; no one else has it.”
Chris Redgate, The Red Pencil, The Washington Post, May 17, 2001.
[via awad]
someone has a new design.
now why didn’t *i* think to get her that for her birthday?
i’m suddenly very sleepy…
i’d just like to take a moment to express just how much i hate those little, skinny women in the office. you know the ones i mean. the little, skinny women who wear sweaters all year long because they are always cold.
sally: “i’m so cold!”
susan: “me too. someone turn up the heat”
clarissa: “please don’t, i’m just comfortable.”
sally: “but i’m so cold!”
clarissa: “you can put on a sweater if you’re cold. i can’t take off my shirt if i’m too hot.”
susan: “we’ll just turn it up a little bit.”
sally: “yes, it’s so cold!”
clarissa: “*sigh*”
alternately:
betty: “ooh, it’s chilly outside!”
tina: “what’s the temperature?”
betty: “i don’t know. 25?”
tina: “oh no! i didn’t bring a sweater!”
clarissa (thinking): “i’m going to kill them. kill them dead.”
for the past week my nipples have been very tender. today, they’re tender and hard. i don’t know what it means, but i’m sure it’s not because i’m cold.