i’ve been having a lot of vivid, thought-provoking dreams lately. maybe it’s the heat. maybe it’s all the vegetables i’ve been eating. who knows? what’s really haunting me about them is the starring role my exes have been playing in them.
it’s bad enough i’ve almost completely lost touch with anyone i’ve had serious feelings for in the last few years. in most of the cases, it’s been for the best. but lately… i’m consumed with the desire to get back into contact with one of them in particular. the dream i had with him in it the other night has not helped that yearning. without success, i’ve searched for an email address for him since it would be less risky to contact him that way than to use the phone number i’ve had for him for the past two years.
i really just want to know how he’s doing. to find out how his life is right now. then i wonder if the only reason i want to contact him is that i’ve forgotten how horrible it felt to be with him at the end. and it was bad. it usually is when you find out someone’s sleeping with their ex when you are.
there’s very little chance i will pick up the phone to talk to him. i’ll just sit and wonder and drive myself a little batty with speculation. basically, i’m chicken. there’s a lot of risk involved with renewing that relationship, on any level. but, i cared so much for him at one point in my life, it’s very hard to let go of that and not be curious, and hopeful, about his life now.
i also miss jason, even though i’m still mad at him.
i really have to stop falling asleep for two hours after dinner.
i was just struck by a sudden and severe craving for red licorice. i want it. i want it NOW. i’m almost willing to go out in the heat just to get some. but, if i do that, then i’ll have a cigarette and i’m really trying to keep it down to no more than two a day during the week.
stupid baby carrots just won’t fill that licorice void. *sigh*
i have a headache from sorting, cleaning, unscrewing, rescrewing, adjusting, moving, arranging, rearranging and surveying my new desk and surrounding domain. i wish i had a digital camera, i’d take a picture for you. it’s all very pretty in an institutional grey kind of way. but my toys are back up on display, so i feel a little more at home.
i haven’t done a lot to talk about. it’s too hot and i’m concentrating on trying to catch up on the sleep i think i’m missing. that’s got to be the reason why i’m so fucking tired lately.
i’m going to blow off the book club meeting tonight. i haven’t finished the book and i’m really far too broke to go out for dinner. i’m going to have to scrounge change enough for lunch on friday. i really blew my budget this month. i’m rather ashamed of myself.
ooh, i get a new desk today. unfortunately, that means i lose my office. i knew it was temporary. really. i was prepared for this day. *sniffle* i won’t miss it at all. *sob*
although, i’d happily trade it for one of the bouncy chairs.
have you ever had a fart which sounded like a wookie?
me neither.
belini’s go straight to my head.
this is my new favourite restaurant because they sell broccoli kebobs.
i tune out completely when football is discussed.
i bought “the next tetris” yesterday. i don’t have an N64, but meghan & mark do. they’ve rented that game for three weeks straight. we’ve all become addicted to it. we’d sit around and discusss how they should have just bought it for all they’ve spent on rentals.
yesterday, on a whim, i went to the used cd store and bought them a copy. meghan tried to give me money for it. i refused it, saying “now you’ll never be able to tell me i can’t play it.”
there should be no reason why a thirty-minute trip to the grocery store would make you sweat so much you had to change your bra.
there’s a running list of things i should accomplish today, but i’m having none of it. it’s hot and getting hotter by the minute as the sun comes around to my side of the building where it will continue to raise the temperature of my apartment until it mercifully sets behind cyprus mountain at approximately 9:30 pm. even then, it will take at least until the wee hours of the morning for the trapped heat within to cool to a temperature which will make any scrap of clothing bearable.
i’ve spent most of my day sitting in this god-awfully uncomfortable chair clicking and browsing my way across the web. i have been in search of cool animations which i never before had the bandwidth to view .
i have not read the book for our book club meeting this wednesday. i have not even begun anything to help russ with his beta testing. i have not done dishes. i have not taken the garbage out. i have not washed the car. i have not balanced my chequebook. i have not even consumed my third cup of coffee. this is, of course, the ultimate measure of my sloth. i couldn’t even drink my heavenly third cup o’ joe. my one accomplishment is laundry. i’ve washed my clothes and towels. i can get dressed in clean garb… if it ever cools down enough to wear clothes again.
i just visited kaydee’s page from home (instead of work) for the first time a long while and was totally surprised and pleased by what came from my speakers. that guy is one cultured dude!
i copied this off the redcricket board where i posted it yesterday, but i had to share it with everyone:
dear god, i nearly died!
traffic was a complete and utter pms-ing, psychopathic BITCH today [friday].
my normally twenty-minute commute took three times that long and it was 31 degrees (that’s 90 for you fahrenheitians) with 80% humidity. have i mentioned i drive a geo with no air conditioning? oh, yeah, and i was wearing black.
i spent about half an hour in an ice-cold shower when i got home. it still wasn’t enough to cool me down.
stupid summer heat and traffic. grr!
after using the same deoderant for the last two years, i just today realized it smells like bathroom spray and i don’t like it.
whenever i feel bad about the amount of debt i carry, i’m going to go look at bryan’s re-pay list (bottom right of the page) and feel a LOT better, really fast.
11 designs later, i’m actually surprised that this endeavour has lasted an entire year and that it hasn’t felt like a year while it has lasted.
naively, i wrote:
anyhoo, this is the first of what will probably be at least three entries i’ll make. who knows, it may not even go the way of my other attempts to journal and will evolve into some really weird, yet compelling, place to be.
i don’t know how compelling of a place to be it’s been, but i’m fairly sure i accomplished the weird part.
i could babble about all the people i’ve gotten to know and the things i’ve learned about web design and how grateful i am to have found a new community in which i feel welcome, but that’s so clichéd i can’t bring myself to type those words. so, i’ll sum it up as short and sweet as i can:
thanks for listening. *blows out the candle on ice cream cake*
i’m so hot i wish i could peel off my skin.
i shouldn’t have been so worried about last night. i mean, they were all dean’s friends so they had to be at least half-decent people, right? right.
we had appies and drinks out on the balcony while the mosquitos had me as their appy and drink. i met dean’s bosses & their wives, three of his buddies, and his mom (who is the sweetest lady ever). everyone (except a couple) were really laid-back, easy-going folk who held up their end of the conversation with ease. my dessert was a roaring success and there was even enough left over for me to bring a piece of the chocolate-strawberry mousse cake home. the fireworks weren’t that bad, either. although, i still think there’s something very wrong about an orchestral version of ‘dancing queen’.
the downside to having a great evening such as i had? being dog-ass tired the next day. *yawn* i certainly picked the wrong week to start cutting back on my morning coffee intake.
just when i thought i’d come to terms with my recently revived celibacy, made peace with my lack of nookie, as it were; i go and have this over-the-top sex dream about mike from big brother 2. then i log in this morning and read about paige’s urges and how to please jodi… i’ve now turned into a bubbling cauldron of sexual frustration.
someone stir me. quick.
my boss is back a day early.
i parked in his spot this morning.
i hope he doesn’t fire me.
as i’ve mentioned before, we’re in the midst of construction at my place of employment. my department is the last to be demolished and we’re smack in the middle of that right now. everyone except myself has vacated our old office while they tear it apart.
at this moment, i’m sitting in one of the completed offices, my only illumination a 60-watt bulb in a black swing-arm lamp. outside my door, duct work and flourescent lights hang haphazardly from the open ceiling and the floor is covered in construction debris, dust and wire remnants.
but the best part is the laser level makes it look like some warehouse style disco. all we need is music and some glowsticks.