i couldn’t hit a red light on the drive home last night to save my life. i think i blew my old record for the return-commute out of the water. if only i’d thought to look at the clock before i left the parking lot. in retrospect, i think it was just the traffic gods giving me a bit of a break because they knew the bridge would be closed this morning and i’d have to fight to get to work today.
in other news, i think i’m addicted to quake. no, really. i got up at 5:15 this morning, got washed, dressed, etc. as i had time to kill, i sat at the computer and fired up quake. i looked at the clock what seemed a minute later and i’d already spent forty minutes playing. i’m making some good progress, actually. i just wish the limits for ammo were higher and it didn’t take so long to reload the fucking shotgun. anyway… oh. right. my point is that i haven’t felt such a need to play a game since lands of lore back in the mid-90’s. this is good, though. it’s theraputic to shoot the shit out of stroggs. right?
i got email from goddess this morning asking if i’m going to visit paige with her in october. i’d been looking at fares, yes. i’d thought about it, yes. but, all that looking and thinking was done in a “there’s no way she’d want me to come and interrupt her time with a friend” mindset. of course, i haven’t talked seriously about going with paige, herself, yet. there are also circumstances (mostly financial) i have to take into consideration. it’d be a nice trip. i have other friends in minnesota i could see while i’m there. i’m not going to worcester, as i usually do in the fall, so i’m not going to disappoint anyone by going elsewhere. i think it’s time to make a list.
i brought a box of donut holes to work this morning. i think it may have been an unconscious attempt to assuage myself of the guilt i’m feeling due to the complete lack of productivity i have experienced this week.
next time, remind me not to eat most of the karma-cleansing donuts myself.
i arrived home last night from my grueling day at work only to realize how uninspiring my life had become of late. so, i phoned meghan and talked her & mark into going to the pub for wings. it was good. we ate little chicken appendages, drank beer, played cards (nb: i slaughtered them, taking a combined total of $15 from them. go me.) and people-watched.
there was the middle-aged biker dude and his hawg mama with the decapitated vulture tattoo, the drunk man who insisted that if you were to own just one baseball cap it must be the yankees’, the schoolmate of ours whose girlfriend was very friendly, and the man in the suit who kept staring at us playing cards.
memorable quote:
“i don’t look at their faces… it’s all about the tits.”
after getting home and making lunch for today, i sat at the computer to play a little quake and the phone rang. this was odd, it being nine o’clock. too early for tyler to phone and i’d just been dropped off by meghan. as soon as i picked it up i had telemarketer anxiety. as it turns out, i had nothing to fear.
the very pleasant and perky young man was calling from the cable company to tell me about their new offer on cable internet access. it must have been the beer in me, but i have an appointment for 6pm monday, july 30th to have a cable modem installed — free for one month, no installation charges & if i cancel at the end of the thirty days, i get to keep the nic.
i’m very excited. this is something i’ve been procrastinating getting for a very long time. *zoom* that’ll be me online!
i can’t say as i’ve done any work today. i started on a project which was promptly taken away for further review. i’ve read some websites. i’ve helped fill some cabinets. i’ve collected presents from the-just-returned-from-vacation debbie (a rubber palm tree keychain & florida lighter, if you must know). i’ve gone out for lunch & bought my winning lottery ticket. i’ve priced plane tickets to minneapolis. i came *this close* to ordering myself a copy of american gods, but held out for the paperback. i’ve killed time. a lot of time. i’m hip-deep in the bloody entrails of all the time i’ve killed this day.
my boss is away for three weeks, effective tomorrow. this means that i: 1) get his parking spot; and, b) won’t have him looking through his new office window at what i’m doing on my computer. it’s going to be a little iffy though with the construction moves looming overhead. sometime in the very near future they’ll be gutting our office, but without the boss around as an intermediary, i’m sure we’ll walk in one morning to an empty room full of demolition men. it just better not happen on a payroll day.
i’m honoured that people are leaving such nice, positive comments about the new design. there are still a few things i’ll probably tweak, but for the most part i’m rather satisfied with the afternoon’s work on it. and i’m so totally in love with the little kitty. no, i didn’t draw it. i “borrowed” it from the m$ clipart gallery. i think i may have to add another mug to my store, this time with that cat on the side.
in other news… there is none. my life has been dull lately. quake progress has stalled as i can’t seem to jump high enough to get into the room which will allow me to open the doors i need to open. i’m also worried about my monitor at home. it’s developed this ugly vertical stripe down the right hand side of the screen. it’s only four years old, i shouldn’t have to replace it so soon. time to start saving up for a flat-panel display.
the fitness room at work is finally open again, so i’ve been trying to get in there at least every other day to get some weights lifted and try to rebuild the muscles i’ve let dissolve in the last few months. oddly, when i start working out, my appetite decreases accordingly. you’d think it would make me hungrier. as a result, i haven’t been eating so much the last few days. this is always a good thing.
i’m sure it will break in many varied and exciting ways, but i like it. oh, perma-links are toast. they really don’t like frames, the bastards.
i ignored my computer last night and i was very aware that i was doing so. then i made the mistake of trying to see if i could get any further in quakeII. i played for over two hours, possibly three, and i finally finished the first level! you can’t possibly understand what this means. i suck at quake more than anyone has ever sucked at quake. and i finished the level! i even found secrets!! whee! when i finally shut it down, i felt like such a badass. then i passed out.
and i slept. really slept. i needed that so very much. i could have done with a couple more hours, but it was still so nice to have a good night’s rest. i get really out of sorts when i don’t sleep well, mostly because i hardly ever have trouble sleeping, so i don’t know how to cope when i do. i hope i can do the same tonight.
i just renewed my domain name for two more years.
aw, fuck. just when i thought we’d be rid of her
shut up. who let the voices out of the vault?
there are three things which bring me to tears within seconds of my thinking about them. they are:
– my grandmother’s demise the summer i turned eighteen.
– my cat, spud, waiting for me to return home from vacation to see me once more before she died.
– the events of seattle 2001.
i really shouldn’t think about any of them at the office.
i’m tired and cranky and pissed off and angry and sad and i feel fat and gross. everything and everyone is annoying me today. i don’t want to be at work. i don’t want to be at home. i don’t want to be anywhere with anyone. i don’t want to be alone. i want to be held. i don’t want anyone to touch me. i want to get drunk. i don’t want to smell booze. i want to smoke. i can’t stand smoking. i want to drive far away. my car can barely make it home. i hate my coworkers. they’re the best thing about my job. i want to spend money. i don’t have any money to spend. i want to sleep. i don’t want to dream. i need a haircut. i want a bath. i want to go swimming. i want to forget seattle exists. i want to read. i want to go see a movie. i want to scream. i want to run down the hallway, waving my arms, yelling “fuck you! fuck you! fuck you!” i want to play bingo. i want to be twenty-six. i want to wear my pajamas to work. i want to play the piano. i want to cry.
FUCK!
i slept like crap last night. even with the smurfy new matress pad i bought to give myself another 2.5 inches of foamy goodness, i tossed and turned and was generally miserable. that’s three nights. in a row. if i don’t get some decent sleep tonight, i think i may hurt someone.
during one of the few periods of real slumber i managed to steal, i dreamt that i met scott. he didn’t look anything like he did online. i spent most of our time together trying to reconcile the young, clean-cut, preppy boy i was talking to against the hard-assed, sarcastic punk i’d imagined him to be. he was still hot, though.
meghan gave me copies of her pictures from our day in seattle last month. i’ve scanned a few of them and added them to my gallery. go take a look.
well, not really. but, i do have a fat lip thanks to my friend meghan. we were horsing around last night and she slammed a beer can into my mouth, cutting my lip on my teeth and making me bleed. my friends are so good to me!
i spent a couple hours yesterday rearranging my main (read: only) room. unfortunately, i have limited choices in the way in which i can situate furniture due to the ill-placed doors in the room i live and sleep in, so it’s not a major change, but i decided that after three years, i had to attempt to move something. it’s not too bad. it’s both more and less open. i’m sure i’ll be bumping my shins on the futon for a week or so until i get used to it.
once my laundry’s done, i think i’m going to go shopping for a new mattress pad and the next ender book. shit. i also have to get the book & wine club book. i really don’t think it’s my cup of tea, but i’ll at least give this group activity a shot. it’s tough ’cause i’m really not much of a joiner. plus, i also don’t analyse and discuss the books i read. i just read them to enjoy them.
i have a headache. i think it’s the rain’s fault.
i have an unhealthy obsession with wondering if the people i know i can touch their toes. therefore, i pose this question: can YOU touch your toes?
i’m sitting here eating crispy m&m’s and praying that the next 102 minutes goes by very quickly. i’m beyond ready to end this work week.
someone entertain me.
watermelon
bananas (6)
papaya
salad-in-a-bag
new potatoes (2)
mushrooms
crystal light peach or raspberry iced tea (4)
heinz beans in tomato sauce (2)
canned whole mushrooms (2)
multi-grain buns (4)
medium cheddar
whole wheat spaghettini
banana loaf/bread
toilet paper
no.
From: HEATHER
Sent: July 11, 2001 2:49 PM
To: EXECUTIVE SECRETARY
Subject: por favor, senora
I’m in possession of some Top Secret Confidential Documents of Kerry’s and she’s asked that I lock them up at the end of the day. Normally, I’d put them in Sam’s office; but, well… Sam doesn’t have an office right now as you are no doubt aware. If you were not aware, that would be the purpose of the men in hard hats who have been frequenting our little corner of the building.
I was hoping, as we arrive and leave about the same time of day, I could impose upon you to secure these Top Secret Confidential Documents with your collection of Top Secret Confidential Documents.
Eagerly awaiting your kind response,
Heather
Possessor of Top Secret Confidential Documents
i want to take pictures of bathroom stalls. more specifically, people’s feet while they’re using bathroom stalls. without them knowing i’m doing it. when i get my camera, i’m going to become a bathroom phototgraphy freak. i will get caught crouching on bathroom floors taking pictures of people while they’re doing their business. i will get chased out of public washrooms. i will get threatened with violence. i will pick up diseases from getting so close to unsanitary floor surfaces. i will have a collection of photographs of people’s feet while they’re going pee or poo or changing their tampon or masturbating or having sex. i will be famous and regarded as the best bathroom photographer in the world!
i love with the ferocity of a lioness rending the flesh from a still-quivering carcass. i fear my emotion; fear that it will kill with that same animal instinct. it is for that reason alone i squash and deny it. i cannot bear to let my beasts loose themselves on innocents. my conscience would never stand it. so i wander, on the precipice, blithely kicking small stones over the edge, watching them fall, wishing i could let my love run with the power and grace it was born to. but i stay on solid, safe, mundane ground… and so it goes, again.