this is not an attack. this is my personal reaction to something someone wrote online. i do not dislike them, nor do i mean them any harm by my sharing this. i am merely expressing my feelings on the subject. it actually saddens me that i feel the need to preface this with a disclaimer, but people are funny creatures and they take offense far too easily.
i think that if a person considers it an accomplishment to have been single for thirty days, they have some serious esteem issues which need to be addressed.
i’ve always felt an uneasy sensation when confronted with people who just can’t seem to be alone. they’re always with other people or can’t ever seem to not be part of a couple. if they’re by themselves for any length of time, they become agitated and have a mini-breakdown. maybe it’s only because i don’t understand the concept. i was raised to be self-sufficient and comfortable on my own. being an only child possibly had something to do with it. being shy and somewhat unpopular probably did too. regardless, of my non-comprehension of the inability to be alone, i think these people are scared that if they’re not distracted by others they will be forced to deal with themselves.
“what do you do when you’re alone?” someone recently asked.
my first reaction was, and still is: i live my life.
it’s really hard for me to express the feelings that simple-seeming question created in me. first, it didn’t mean much to me at all. but, as time wore on it got me more riled up as i thought about it. how ridiculous it sounded to have to ask what to do when you’re by yourself. i wondered if they had no interests or inclinations. i pictured a person sitting in the middle of their room, not knowing where to turn or what to do just to entertain themselves.
i wanted to ask them how it was they got to be so dependant on other people for their entertainment and validation as a viable human being. i wonder how it is that they cannot bear to be alone with themselves. why it is that they considered themselves inferior if they aren’t in a relationship. what’s gone on in their lives to make them so unable to cope with their own selves that they need to always be distracted by the presence of other people.
i wanted to shout at them, “being alone does not equal being lonely!”
then i thought about it a little more. i wondered why it was i reacted so violently.
maybe someone would look at my mostly solitary life and wonder why it was that i had never been in a relationship (other than some pathetic wannabe or long-distance fiasco) or prefer to be by myself most of the time than to surround myself with people. don’t get me wrong, i enjoy small groups of interesting people with whom i have a connection; but i do not share my time with people merely to be with them. if i’m spending time with you, it’s a compliment. you’re valuable to me and i am telling you so with my presence.
maybe i thought it was a judgement of my lifestyle. that people who aren’t in relationships are somehow invalid. then i realized that years of indoctrination by society have instilled in me the need to defend the fact that i’m not really fond of the human race in general. to disdain those people who function well in groups and social settings because i’m not one of them myself. dammit, i’m one of those funny creatures i was disclaiming for up above.
it really comes down to the fact that people are very different and none of us are wired to react to similar situations in a like manner. there will always be “people-people” and “loner-people”. it’s taken me a long time to realize that it is entirely okay for me to like being alone. i’m no longer going to force myself to be social because i think it’s what i should do. what i needed to realize is that for other people, it’s just as okay for them to not want to be alone. they’re not me and they need different things. it’s unfair of me to force my personal bias upon their lifestyles.
now leave me alone! ;)
I had sex today.
i love you, dan!
sometimes you’re in a relationship and sometimes you’re not.
sometimes you’re happy in a relationship and sometimes you’re not.
sometimes you’re happy alone and sometimes you’re not.
the main difference is that when you’re single, you’re free to search for happiness wherever it might be without having to worry about breaking anyone’s heart. and maybe the form of happiness you’ll seek is a new relationship, and maybe, just maybe, it’s not.
I have feelings for you.
eric & jim, sitting in a tree…
“i think that if a person considers it an accomplishment to have been single for thirty days, they have some serious esteem issues which need to be addressed.”
But why? If they said they had been single for 30 days and as such their world was collapsing and they must be stinky or have a wandering eye or something they hadn’t noticed, THEN, I’d see self-esteem issues. I mean, having no context for that statement, I may be missing the backstory to clarify it, but at worst, it seems like they’re DEALING with a self-esteem issue that led them to chase relationships just for the sake of being in one (and that’s not to say that’s necessarily the case – perhaps they just are attractive to potential partners [not in a, at least not just in a, physical sense]).
It just goes totally against what you ended up saying – “what i needed to realize is that for other people, it’s just as okay for them to not want to be alone.” (Unless it’s simply that the first statement shouldn’t be in the present tense.) It’s easier to realize one should accept all people and their choices than it is to stop the knee-jerk “something’s wrong with them because they’re not like me” reaction, that’s for sure.
Not to mention, there’s an entirely huge world of grey out there in terms of what’s a “relationship.” If someone says it’s the first time they’ve gone 30 days without a boy/girlfriend, that’s different than saying “this is the first time I’ve gone 30 days without talking to someone outside work” or “this is the first time I’ve not left my home in 30 days to never see other people.”
I can’t imagine wanting to be in a relationship automatically means one has no self-esteem. If one chooses to be in relationships because they enjoy the companionship and built-in “person to attend things with” or “person to pick up the check for dinner” or “person to leave nice smelling perfume on my collar” or whatever, what does that have to do with self-esteem? If they’re wanting to be in a relationship simply because without being in one they think they’re incomplete or the only way they feel self-worth is to feel wanted by someone else, sure. But to assume that’s the case simply because of their preference? Seems a bit out there.
(And for what it’s worth, I may be married, but I still consider myself more a loner than anything else. It’s possible to be in a relationship and still have time alone, or still not be a social butterfly. ;-))
Phew. I think that’s the longest comment I’ve ever written. I wonder if there’s a character limit!
i cannot believe that someone actually asked you “what you do when you are alone?” wtf?! what did they expect? for you to say, why i sit by the phone waiting and praying that prince charming will get my telepathic messages? come on!
i am totally with you on this one. independence is a great thing, (so are relationships) but geesh!
I thought we already knew what heather does when she’s all alone by herself…I mean come on…no one *needs* that many d-size batteries.
actually, they’re c-batteries. the d’s go in the flashlight.
well written heather!
i was in a discussion about a similar issue the other day…’cept it was about marriage and weddings…along the same lines though.
I’m one of those people who usually prefers to be single than to be in a relationship. I’ve been single for a few months short of three years. To be honest, I’m get a wee bit tired of it. As nice as it is to be independant and all that neat shit, very recently I’ve started missing all the neat relationshippy things. My boytoy isn’t nearly affectionate enough for my tastes. But, he’s good in bed… so I don’t complain.
On the other hand… My mother is one of those people who, in the 23 years that I’ve known her, has been single for approximately a month (when I was about five) yet has been through five long term relationships.
The last time she ended a relationship, I cried for her. Not because I liked her husband by any stretch — in fact, of the two people in the world who I honestly hate, he’s one — but because she already had someone new to go to. Her new partner is a wonderful man, the best step-father I could ask for, and the father of my baby sister. But I was still horribly unhappy that my mother, in her 40’s, still couldn’t leave a horrible relationship (her marriage should have been over when I was about 14… not 20) until she had someone new to go to.
As much as I wish my mother had taken some time to be single… well, you know what? I don’t know jack. I’m not my mother. I don’t know what goes through her head. I don’t know why she would rather stay in a ridiculously bad marriage than be on her own. Self esteem? I don’t think so. My mom’s self image is pretty good, although since she’s got a 1 year old baby (ooh, my sisters birthday is today!) I don’t think she’s had time to think about it lately.
I think the point is … I try very hard not to judge people who do things differently from me. What works for me might not work for other people.
Being comfortable in your own skin is a great thing. People are threatened by loners — they are wolves on the edge of the herd.
Howl!