so, i’ve mentioned that i’m trying to follow weight watchers in an attempt to reach a healthy body weight. part of the whole online experience is reading and interacting on the message boards available. it’s been interesting and informative and, while i’m not looking to form any kind of relationships with the people on them, i’ve participated in a few conversations on topics i have something to say about.
what’s really caught my attention is the number of the really big women (my size and much larger) who have boyfriends, fiances and husbands. it’s been a big shock to all my preconceptions that if i’m fat, i can’t possibly be attractive to someone. especially enough to be in a long-term relationship. i’ve tried to rationalize it in my mind by saying “well, they were probably skinny when they got married and then they put on the weight”. not very charitable of me, i know; but i’ve never pretended to be a better person than i am.
it’s really challenging for me to believe that there are men out there who can get past the rolls and the stretch marks and can see the person and find them attractive enough to fall in love. it goes against everything i’ve ever believed about men and the dynamics of attraction. yeah, i know there are guys who are “fat admirers” and “chubby chasers” but i don’t want to be wanted just because i’m fat, either. i don’t know if there’s any answer for me right now. it’s always been a “when i’m skinny, i’ll find someone to love me” kind of thought-process. now that i’m actively participating in a solution that could result in my finally becoming skinny (relatively, of course), all the things i put off until then are coming forward for consideration. it’s made for a lot of thinking.
in other weight-related news, as of this morning i’ve lost sixteen pounds. it’s been a rocky last two weeks with a bit of a scale hiccough, but i think i’m over that now. i’ve been trying to exercise semi-consistantly (dear god, can i sweat). my jeans, and even my underpants, are getting really baggy. but, for all that, i can’t seem to *see* any changes. debbie, my fitness cheerleader (she lost 75lbs years ago and is this awesomely fit, strong, woman), says i’m looking really good so far; but, i can’t help but think “um, it’s sixteen pounds. you can’t possibly see results this early”. sometimes i think i can see a hint of collarbone or more definition in my cheeks, but then i give my head a shake and realize that even if i am seeing very minor changes, i’ve still got a very long way to go.
it’s really hard not to get discouraged when you know the road ahead is a long one. i’m not good with long-term goals. i, like pretty much everybody, wants everything NOW, or even YESTERDAY. i know, up here in my logical brain, that this is something that will take a long time and there will be ups and downs. there will be big losses, small losses and even small gains along the way. i need to find a way to cope with what i perceive as setbacks on this journey. whee, more stuff to think about!
oh, by the way, this gratuituous mention of gin is for (the other) heather. comment away, babe.
Aww yeah, get gratuitous all over my ass, baby!
And, yeah, I know that mindframe of blaming all ills in life on your weight… then realizing as you start to take steps to actually lose weight that you’ll have to either find something new to blame all those issues on, or actual deal with those issues on their own, too…
Damn brains.
I’ve never been thin. I’ve been thinner. I’ve been fatter. I’ve been fitter, and I’ve been pregnant. Througout most of this I’ve (thankfully) been comfortable in my own skin and never much cared about whether that skin was fashionable or not.
When I was younger and when I was ill, I desperately wanted to attain the “ideal”. When I was younger, there were other things more important than being skinny, and then I was ill, it was more a wish to be healthy and to have control over my body again.
But now, like when I was younger, I’m active, I eat well, I’m healthy and I’m built for luxury. And I have a better world/self-view on the topic, too. Fitness and happiness are far more important than girth or mass.
I’ve been “fortunately” thin for most of my life, and at times, in retrospect, I think I was grossly thin. It’s funny, though, the things that you can convince yourself to believe. I was 115 pounds (and I’m a tall chicky-poo) and thinking that my thighs were fat so I should watch what I eat. Nutty, eh? Right now (not including the beginning of preggo poundage) I’m 30 (count ’em-30!) pounds heavier than I was in high school, and I feel better and sexier than I ever have. Curves are good! Plus I KNOW that I’ve never been HEALTHIER!
unsolicited guy opinion here:
I don’t mind a chubby girl, as long as its in the right places. Being proportionate is more important than being thin, to me at least. I know I’m a shallow person when I can’t get past the huge ass thing… sorry.
There are other factors as well, you can’t blame it all on weight. I’m about 6 ft tall, 160 pounds, blessed with a wonderful set of genes that keeps me trim no matter what I eat. Yet still, I go long periods of time between girlfriends, and that’s just because I’m an incredible dork…. that and I’ve developed a nasty habit of being opinionated.
I’ve been a big gal my whole life. H, I know exactly how you feel and where you’re coming from, even thought all the same ideas you have about guys not wanting you because you’re big, etc. Then I met Matt. Sure, he wants me to lose weight (which I’m doing. I’m down 40.5 pounds from my highest weight) but it’s to become healthy, and nothing more. I guess I look at it realistically. Sure, you have to be attracted to someone, but I dunno. In the big picture, I find that a sense of humour, smarts, etc play a bigger portion in my decision than something so superficial. But I guess that’s how chicks think overall, right? Lucky for me, Matt sees past the superficial things and sees how much I rock his world. ;) He thinks I’m pretty just the way I am, he thinks i’m smart, and he thinks I’d be a good mom for our kids one day. He rules. And I think if guys can’t see that about me, then obviously they need a reality check. Here’s a clue, guys. At 50? Gravity always wins, baby. To quote Radiohead. ;)
keep it up! you’re doing a great job!
i think the hardest thing is just being patient. and before you know it, boom you’ll notice it and others will too
It all begins with how you see yourself, it really does. I’m proportionate, but I’ve fluctuated between size 8 and 20. (I’m a 12 right now. I exercised my hardest when I was biggest. I have hypothyroidism.)
When I feel fabulous, I usually am. I have to admit that I didn’t feel super attractive at my heaviest, although my husband has never said a demoralizing word about my weight in almost 18 years of marriage.
From your pictures, Hessie, you appear to be a babe. And your mind is stunning. Claim your babeliciousness.
You go girl!
My friend, who has always had a man (and is 200+ lbs BTW), will insist that it’s all about attitude.
and the hooters.
You raise an interesting point, one that I would like to touch on (and I know I am more of a lurker, so if all here could excuse the length of this reply – my apologies to all):
I have dated the full spectrum of sizes – from 0 to 18. That, for me, has never been an issue. I suppose it is because being of a bizarre Spanish-German mixed family we have a bit of everything in the family and as such, I never really gave a rat’s ass about that.
I suspect that many guys, and I am sure they are out there, don’t really care as much as they say they do about the size issue as they do a few key factors:
1. Do they carry themselves well and with confidence?
2. Do they exhibit a sensual and sexual quality that radiates energy?
3. Do they have a great attitude and can hang with my rather overbearing friends?
4. Do they love life?
The problem then becomes not an issue of size, but one of what is it that society demands and had put precepts upon for these guys to adhere to.
To wit, society tells them what size is attractive, and how Britney Spears is hot and what have you.
I find it a humorous take that back in the day (I speak of Victorian era – OLD SCHOOL) women of plus size were considered sex symbols and thin girls considered meek or malnourished. Personally, I would love to see a return to this.
I have to admit, having dated women of all ranges, that I like a little “meat on the bones” as we say here in Texas. Most Texas men I know also prefer their women a little taller, slightly bigger, and with some “meat” on them. I don’t want a rail thin Kate Moss girl who saunters around and is so damn thin that when she turns sideways I cannot see her.
Curves are sexy. Period.
I think many in society today are faced with the conundrum raised in the movie Pulp Fiction: “It is a shame that what is often pleasing to the touch and pleasing to the eye are not often the same.”
Jeff and I met when I was at my heaviest, but we met online so I think we got to love each other’s brains first, then the bodies were just so much snuggle-fodder.
I had a couple okay relationships when I was big, but nothing very substantial. I think that this was more me than my size, though. Or I think that I was using my size to make sure that I didn’t have any substantial relationships. Or maybe that I felt like I wasn’t worth a substantial relationship because of my size… Wait, this is a blog, not therapy.
I think my point is that I figured I couldn’t have a good relationship because I was big, but in part, I might have been big because I didn’t want a good relationship. I’m pretty mean, especially to people who hit on me, so I know that I’m not real big on romantic overtures to begin with and staying big helped put another barrier against that. I think it’s telling that I wasn’t really that interested in losing the weight until I was safely established in a relationship that I knew I could trust.
Now as for the 16 pounds… THAT FUCKING ROCKS! Things are baggier, and you say you can’t see a difference, but can you feel one? When I hit a 16-ish pound loss, my clothes fit better but I think the first real “Hey, this shit is working” realization came when I could more comfortably fit in my car. Jeff also noticed that I seemed generally more comfortable, which I am pretty sure I was since I could sit down without feeling like all my fat was crushing my lungs. Oy.
Anway, do not belittle your accomplishments! This weight loss shit is not easy, and anybody who says it is wants to sell you something. 16 pounds is fucking incredible.
You are absolutely beautiful, regardless of your weight. I got to know this really incredible girl in Canada once… but that’s another story for another day.
The woman I married is not lithe (not in the least!), and I love her more and more each day. When you really love someone, you not only look past the weight, but it becomes part of the love you have. It’s hard to explain, but I love her for her mind, her soul, her kind heart, and for her abilities in the sack! (hehe)
As for your losing weight, BRAVO!!! It’s hard work (been there, done that), and it’s worth it. Don’t think, however, that being thin is a sure-fire way to catch guys. I know many women that are guy-less because they are just fooked in the head (not saying you are [’cause you’re not!], but most guys that go for the skinny good-lookin’ chicks are shallow, anyway), or they have issues. Losing weight for YOU is great; losing weight for ANYONE else isn’t so great.
=)