i’m decidedly unhappy at the present. i spent a lot of time last night working myself in a bloo mood by recalling what i was doing two weeks ago. remembering the way he touched me and talked to me and loved me. i suppose i’m at that point where i’m wondering if i did the right thing, if i was just scared and didn’t realize what i truly felt. that’s not what’s really going on, though. it’s totally okay for me to miss it because it was wonderful and made me feel wonderful (when i wasn’t feeling guilty for leading him on).
it’s the worry that no one else will ever want to touch me and love me which is eating at me now. i thought it before he came and i’m sure i’ll think it after the next one leaves. it’s just that, right now, i’m consumed with the fear i’ll never be so beautiful in someone else’s eyes again. that fear and worry is making me think about contacting him and saying “i’m sorry! i was wrong! please come back.”
the persian violet he bought me is having a rocky start in its new home. i haven’t quite figured out how much attention it needs from me to thrive. my african violet delights in neglect, so i’ve gotten accustomed to ignoring it for weeks then giving it a good, healthy drink and it being pleased as punch with the meager attention it receives. the persian is a different beast all together. it demands much more devotion and affection. it needs me to water it at least twice a week or it starts to pout. i’m not used to this level of botanical dedication. one of us is going to have to adapt to the other’s level. i hope it learns something from its african neighbour.
i dunno if this helps at all, and i really have no words of advice to make you feel better, but i know exactly what you’re feeling. i’ve felt it too! hell, who am i kidding, i feel that on an hourly basis. and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with being afraid for awhile, just don’t get lost in it. just go through it, be there for a bit, and then make sure you find your way back out — and if you can’t we’ll come looking for you.
That fear of not know if there would be anyone else around to love me is a fear that seems to have driven me my entire adult life. It has put me into relationships I should haven’t been in, lowered my self esteem, and just generally made me a sorry sap.
Until now at least. It wasn’t until I started trying to figure out and focusing on what made me happy instead of constantly trying to finding a mate that I got out of my funk.