saturday night i was at jen’s apartment hanging out with cool people, drinking drinks and generally making merry when someone brought up how if men knew how women analyze to death every word which comes out of their mouths they’d probably never speak again. sue, the official ‘old married’ in the group, shook her head and assured us that if she spent the energy trying to decypher her husband’s true meaning from what actually came out of his mouth then she wouldn’t be married anymore.
this whole topic has been fermenting at the back of my head ever since. why is it that we women are always looking for the hidden meanings in people’s (not even just men’s) actions and words? are we so cynical that it’s impossible for us to believe they might just be saying what’s on their mind? are we so duplicitous that we suspect everyone else to act the same (since we can’t possibly be the only ones)? why is it so hard just to take people’s words and deeds at face value without projecting something onto or reading into them?
if someone says something complimentary, do you automatically suspect they want something from you? if someone says something careless, do you automtcally think they dislike you and wish you ill? or, if someone says nothing at all, do you assume it’s all over and done with?
the subject makes me think of the whole “rules of dating” schtick. you know… don’t talk to him every day or he’ll feel there’s no challenge, get bored and move on. don’t put out before the third date – why buy the cow when the milk is free? make him make the plans so he feels he’s in control. decline any invitation not offered two days in advance, so he thinks you’re in demand. it all reeks of deception and bullshit to me and i can’t stomach playing that game. if he wants to be with you, he’ll be with you and all the rules in the world won’t change that if he doesn’t.
if i like you and enjoy your company, as a friend or a romantic interest, i just want to be able to say “i like you” or “you’re awesome” without worrying that it’s going to be read into or analyzed to death. sometimes a declaration of affection is just that and nothing more. people freak out way too easily, myself, without a doubt, included.
i want to adopt a policy wherein i can feel the freedom and confidence to say the things i feel but have held back because of how i expect they’ll be receieved. it does both myself and the other person a disservice for me to throttle my genuine feelings because of the judgements i’ve put on them about how they’ll react. in turn, i want to be able to receive the same from the people in my life without automatic suspicion or distrust of their intentions or authenticity.
big thoughts for a wednesday. i never know just what’s going to come out when i start typing in this little box. whee!
interesting questions heather. being authentic and genuine is so important for me to be and what i expect from other people.
i’m also a big worrywart and can also be paranoid so i’m always thinking about people’s (true) actions and words. but i also know that a big reason has to do with my insecurity. “if so and so really likes me, then why did they do x?”
Somewhere on one of your posts I recall commenting something to the effect that guys are dumb and we don’t pick up on hints, clues, etc…
This is part of the deal, I think, because there’s nothing to read into with guys. Except that’s not true for everyone and I’d be dim to make such a generalization. Except I just did…
Anyway, I guess I should be saying that, when it seems like the guy you’re dealing with is dense and doesn’t seem to pick up on any hint, whether it be subtle or practically breaking his skull because you couldn’t be beating him over the head any harder, then it’s likely that there’s nothing to read into with him.
There’s probably a formula that needs qualifying here. Like, the amount of reading of other’s actions one does, is directly proportional to the amount of posturing they themselves do. Dontcha think?
For the record: I like you and I think you’re awesome.
Don’t read anything into that, it’s just the way I feel.
actually jeff, i think it has to do with the amount of insecurity or paranoia one has :)
awww everyone join in for a group hug!
You know, with all the years of commentary about how women think men are idiots (which we certainly can be sometimes), you’d think 2 and 2 would be applied to get 4 by assuming (correctly) that 95% of the time what men say is blunt and direct; not masked and subversive.
We might be idiots, but we’re so much more open about it. Women need lessons in directness. :-)
Personally, I think all people are equally stupid. ;-)
I too like Heather and think she’s awesome.
And take that at face value, I’m frankly not clever enough to be duplicitous, even if I wanted to be :)
” it does both myself and the other person a disservice for me to throttle my genuine feelings because of the judgements i’ve put on them about how they’ll react.”
Hey, now, isn’t that exactly what I said last night, just prettied up?? :p
well said!
Very well said, Heather. I’m only five years into marriage but one of the best things I’ve learned is that The Husband can’t read my mind (You can just imagine my disappointment upon discovering this!). At some point I also realized that when I try to play and drop hints instead of just coming out with what’s on my mind, I’m the only one disappointed or frustrated in the end when The Husband doesn’t read my signals or “get it”. Honest & straighforward works best for us.