maybe it was the massage

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my free will horoscope (found via rachael) for this week:

Those of us born under the sign of Cancer the Crab are sometimes pathologically self-sufficient. We can dole out love in abundance but be conflicted about asking for and accepting the love we need. Keep that warning in mind as you meditate on the following advice: It’s high time to love yourself more and better–to experiment with new strategies for taking care of yourself, nurturing your creativity, and providing yourself with pleasure. Just don’t let this honorable work blind you to the gifts that other people want to bless you with.

*sigh* i’m having a lot of trouble with all of that these days.
i don’t know if i’m ever going to feel comfortable accepting love from others. it’s very hard for me to consider myself worthy of it most of the time. that being said, i know i’m a good person with skills and abilities, but as soon as someone tries to say something nice/positive/complimentary about me i just can’t seem to deal with it. all my negative self-talk gears up to counter every good thing i hear.
these days, i don’t know how to nurture myself as advised. i’ve lost the ability to be alone without becoming bored. nothing holds much interest, especially if it has anything to do with the television or computer. i want to spend time just being with those people i like to send time with. we don’t have to do anything or go anywhere, but i have become attached to the contact — that’s something i never thought i would say as recently as two years ago.
the list of things i feel i *have* to do is getting longer, while the list of things i *want* to do grows shorter.
i hope that my new committment to going to massage regularly and continuing to go to the doctor when things don’t seem right is a positive step towards taking care of myself. i just don’t want to get mired in the more superficial things which bring me a sense of calm (cleaning, being the big one) as a way to avoid the deeper, and more challenging, tasks i know i should tackle.

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2 Thoughts on “maybe it was the massage”

  1. lala on September 13, 2006 at 20:06 said:

    I hear you. Believe me though, it can come with time. Just keep at it. Keep reminding yourself about your good qualities. I was lucky enough to become involved with someone last year who saw those same qualities in me, that I didn’t even now I had, but once he kept calling me out on it, I realized how foolish it was to dwell on the negative. Instead of letting me spiral out of control, he now tells me to run myself over with a car – and you know what – it works. It makes me so damn foolish for obsessing over my weaknesses. Screw the list. Change doesn’t happen overnight. being alone can suck at times – no reason to feel bad about it. And one massage is better than none – so if you don’t keep going, who cares. Enough of my ranting.

  2. -j. on September 14, 2006 at 08:25 said:

    For the record, Heather, as I get to know you a little better, I’ve never seen anything in you that doesn’t deserve to be loved.
    Feel free to call or email if you need convincing…there’s a lot of us out here.

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