meat

no… not the guy from porky’s. meat! you know, the flesh of dead animals, usually pigs and cows. the flesh of dead animals i don’t eat (i’m a carnivorous hypocrite, by the way). what about meat, you ask? i won meat! isn’t that cool?
i got up at 7:27 this morning because it sounded weird outside, almost like hail. i looked out the window to see snow in the neighbour’s yard and moaned “noooo!” as i realized that winter was back after a nice couple weeks of spring-like temperatures. the weird noise was the spattery rain hitting the almost-icy snow which had fallen overnight. since i was up and suddenly very cold (i turn the heat right down when i go to bed because my über-blankie is so very, very warm i wake up sweating if i don’t) i decided i’d just stay up. yes. at 7:27 on a sunday morning. yes. i know i’m crazy. just accept it and move on, will you?
so, i perked a pot of coffee and drank it while hunting down random stuff on the web while i waited for my weekly dose of coronation street to start at nine. so i watched that and went through the sunday fliers to see if there were any outstanding specials i needed to add to my shopping list. then i had a really nice, hot shower and a bowl of steamed veggies for breakfast. afterwards, i curled up in my comfy chair and read until noon.
since it was snowing at meg’s place friday night and they know i don’t drive in snow, we didn’t play cards or have dinner. saturday was a complete logistical fiasco because we couldn’t find dean. so we didn’t play cards last night, either. due to this troublesome lack of companionship and card-playing, i phoned meghan with the intention of luring them to a pub to get food and at least mildly sate my card craving. luckily, they had that idea already so there was little cajoling to do. dean was a write-off again as he had plans to go visit his other friends (he really should know better by now).
i fluffed up my hair, brushed my teeth and put on something other than flannel and the furious m’s came to transport me all the way to bloody coquitlam to one of their most favourite drinking establishments, the french quarters pub. don’t ask me why it’s called that. i don’t think that corner off lougheed is especially french in heritage. although, it is kind of stinky. maybe that’s where they came up with it. i hear those frenchies don’t like to bathe very often.
we arrived safely (with only one horn-honking) and as soon as i walked in and observed the haze in the air, the upholstery on the form-fitting barstools and the pulley-operated ceiling fan system i knew i was in for a treat. this was going to be a learning experience. i wasn’t in the black bear pub anymore, boys and girls.
i just deleted a boring and tedious description of the crappy lunch, crappy service and two games of cards we played because i know you’re all just dying for me to answer this burning meat question. i’m getting there. really!
something i’ve only heard about, but had yet to experience was the phenomenon of the meat draw. supposedly, this is a semi-regular occurance in drinking establishments accross the land. m&m’s freezer is actually chock full of meat procured in this manner. so, when the tickets started going around for sale, i just had to buy some. especially considering the grand prize draw at the end of the afternoon was a twenty-pound box of chicken breasts. i’m on a budget. i can’t afford to buy chicken anymore.
the first round of draws goes around and guess whose number gets drawn? mine! of course, because i was last and the first four winners got their pick of the packages of flesh on the table, i was left with… five pounds of lean ground beef. beef. that comes from cows. if you weren’t paying attention to the introductory paragraph, i don’t eat cow. yet, i was the happy winner of a package of minced cow flesh. yay, me!
thinking this was the entirety of the meat draw experience, i was elated that i won something and cheerfully gave my loot to my carnivore friends to make something meaty out of it. then they came around with more tickets. by now i was an old pro at this and made sure to scope out the newly offered products on the prize table before frittering away my five dollars (i am on a budget, remember). this time i said “no thanks” and let meghan take her chances with e-coli. she didn’t win. the next draw (another one?!), i purchased tickets for in hopes of winning the chicken they were offering. no such luck. the final draw, i entered (this time only spending two dollars — there was no chicken available) only to up my chances for the grand prize. again, i won! this time having the choice of pork loin or a bloody huge ham-like slab of pig.
in case you’re really not paying much attention (which probably means you’re not reading this either, but still i will explain) i don’t eat pig. the fellow running the draw, grinned at me behind his bushy moustache and gave me a little wink which i almost didn’t see through the thick haze of cigarette smoke filling the room (have i mentioned that you can’t smoke inside establishments where i live? being inside a smokeable pub is something i haven’t done for a long while. it was odd. i’m sure i reek right now.). i returned to our table and mark looked at me and said “i guess that’s going in our freezer too, eh?” ahh, they know me so well.
a short while later, mark returned from a trip to the little boy’s room and informed us that “some guy” asked him about me. in the can. seems they’re really good at picking out the newbies in the french quarters. i suppose i stuck out like a sore thumb with my youthful complexion. my skin wasn’t leathery from years of exposure to that smokey interior. the same guy later came by our table, winked at me again with a parting comment of “way to go, lucky!” i’m completely irresistable to men over fifty.
oh, and i suppose you can just call me meatgirl from now on.