my second life

two years ago today, i was walking up the stairs to christopher’s house when my heart started galloping like a racehorse, i couldn’t catch my breath and it felt like someone was standing on my sternum. what i didn’t realize until i was lying in the ambulance hooked up to beeping things, and wouldn’t be confirmed until a few hours later after i received x-rays and a CT scan, was that the reason my left calf had been hurting for a week after my knee operation was that i had a clot in there — and that clot had decided that it wanted emancipation. so, it broke free and zipped through my hemoglobin highways and got stuck in my lung.

where it nearly killed me.

i was lucky in many ways that day. i was quick-witted enough to figure out what had happened even before the diagnosis. i was aware and persistent enough to tell my theory to anyone i came across. i live in a country whose medical system, despite its flaws, is amazing and available to everyone. i had the loving support of my boyfriend and father in the hospital while waiting for a prognosis.

i could have died that day.

the doctors all have mentioned that my clot was big, yet no one will tell me exactly how big it was. that makes me think it was the size of my head and they’re fucking amazed i didn’t drop dead right there. seriously, why wouldn’t they tell me unless it was really scary? so, i know that i dodged a clot-shaped bullet. people routinely die from emboli. one minute you’re walking up the stairs, next you’re dead. bam. just like that.
that could have been me.

it took me a good year to deal with all the PTSD associated with that near-death experience. i’m still not over it all. i have moments where it all comes back to me and i freak the fuck out. i will say that year two was definitely better than year one. this year, i started living again and i think i’ve actually done my second life a little justice this last twelve months.

let’s see, i…

– got rid of that crappy ass volkswagen and
– bought a shiny, new car
– ROAD TRIP!
– got cats. finally.
– had visitors from afar
– bootcamp! regular exercise has been amazing in helping me get my head on straighter.
– lost a wee bit of weight
– paid off ALL my consumer debt!!!
– had the best birthday in the last couple of decades!
– started enjoying living by doing things. with people. outside. OMG!
– got my guts fixed gallbladder removed so i don’t have random, debilitating pain harshing my joie de vivre

and, the best of all…

– booking a trip to England with Kimli & Renee in October!!!

so, yeah. my second life isn’t so bad. i’m kind of glad i’m getting to live it.