in a hot chocolate & bailey’s induced fervour i finally got around to making up a new about page for myself. i’m sure i’ll edit it a bit when i’m not so chemically honest, so you better check it out before it gets censored. the link is at the right.

i didn’t know anything was amiss until the radio started playing at 5:34am. i stretched languorously, delighting in the fluffly warmness which is my über-blankie and spared half a thought to regret that today wasn’t yet saturday and i, at some point in the very near future, had to extricate myself from my snuggly cocoon of warmth. if i’d know what it was like outside my peaceful sanctuary i’d never have gotten out of bed.
we’re smack in the middle of armageddon! i’m not kidding. even the morning dj’s on my radio station are saying so. after three days of torrential rain, today we’re being subjected to hurricaine force winds. as i sit here in my tin-can of an office building, the wind is gusting so violently, i can see my window flex inwards. one more whoosh and either the corrugated metal roof above me or the double-glazed glass beside me is going to give and i’ll put my new, sturdy desk to very good use and hide under it while i wait for the twister to take me to oz.
the noises the building is making are interesting, if not a little freaky. and, for all the portents of doom, i’m actually a big fan of wind storms. i’m just glad my little corner of city wasn’t subjected to a late-night power outage. i could guarantee you that i wouldn’t be here if it was.

i just got home from a really good dinner at a co-worker’s house. bruschetta, lasagne, caesar salad, a great bottle of red wine, a fuzzy navel and this incredible ice cream and caramel creation. not to mention good company and great conversation. and presents!
even arriving at the postal outlet half an hour before their closing time and not being allowed to pick up my package couldn’t ruin my good mood.
i really needed that… especially after spending most of the day on the cusp of tears.
now i’m eating corn nuts even though they’re hurting my teeth a little. i’m so not going to sleep tonight.

congratulations!
garrett, born today at 10:34am central, has the pleasure of being the firstborn son of e. richard bawiec jr, my very dear friend, and his wife, dee. mom, dad & son are all doing well and celebrating birthdays — today just happens to be rick’s 36th natal anniversary as well.

how do you ask your father if he loved your mother when they were married?

thanks to kinch, today’s phrase is “smoldering resentment”. go forth and spread the love.

so, i’m fully embroiled in the xmas spirit and, despite my complete lack of preparation, am looking forward to the upcoming jollyness of the season. with that in mind, this week’s thursday morning mpeg is a classic you all should remember and love:
“The Twelve Days of Christmas” by Bob & Doug McKenzie
how appropriate is it that today is actually the start of those 12 days, eh? (don’t get used to that, it’s only for comedic effect.)

i’m wearing red and green tinsel wrapped around each of my wrists — actually, red tinsel on my left wrist and green tinsel on my right. no wonder my co-workers think i’m strange.

it’s a good, straight hair day. if it wasn’t for the ingrown & infected armpit follicle i have it’d be a really good day. i’m just whipping through my work. i got a present! my daddy came to visit and he asked me for my xmas list. people missed me while i was away yesterday. even annoying co-workers aren’t quite so annoying today.
i’m feeling the holiday present-buying pressure now. i haven’t any idea what to get anyone this year. i haven’t struggled this bad in a long time. i think i blew my gift-giving powers on meghan’s birthday present. okay, i did make a cd for tyler’s birthday. maybe i’ll just make cds for everyone! or maybe not. i don’t know. it looks like i’ll have to spend some “quality” time at the mall over the next week or so. hopefully, i’ll find something for everyone quickly and economically. otherwise, they’ll all have to wait until the new year. maybe i’ll celebrate ukrainian xmas instead! the gifts won’t be late, they’ll be right on time!
sometimes i’m too damn smart for my own good.

i was in the middle of a delightfully babbly post about my day and the random thoughts i’ve been having and the intense dreams which have beset me the last few nights when my computer locked up so i gave up and had an illicit 3 o’clock nap. it was very clever. i’m rather upset i lost it. now you just get to hear about the sugar cookie lotion i got from my secret cricket, the trivia i’m going to play tonight and the conversation i’m having with someone i’ve known forever yet never really knew.
by the way, my desk is mess and it cheerios are my new snack food of choice.
why do people think i have a sexy voice? i sound like a twelve year old. pedophiles!

i’ll be at the union office auditing the books today, so i’d suggest you find somewhere else to frolic.

when i wear mascara, i feel like sex.

i just spilled coffee all down the front of my shirt. not happy.

i woke up with a bitch of a headache after someone, who didn’t even leave a fucking message, phoned me at nine. nine! on a saturday! i was so not pleased. i would have gone back to bed, but for the pain in my skull. after puttng the percolator on to perk, and taking two advil liqui-gels, i resolved to not go any further outside my apartment today than the basement to do laundry and the balcony to smoke.
although, i wish i’d resolved this yesterday so i could have made a prepatory trip to the video store. it’s already 1pm and the only thing i’ve accomplished is putting the stamps i bought last week into the little wax-paper envelope i keep my stamps in. oh, i did throw out last week’s tv guide. and drank a pot of coffee! woo… i’m exhausted. maybe i need a nap.

eric, meet everybody. everybody, this is eric. he’s my newest celebrity crush.

only three people want holiday cards? geez… oh well, i guess i get to go cheap on postage but all out on super-spiffy cards, then.

i needed that.
thanks to everyone who had something kind to say in reply to my last two posts. i really appreciate it, even though i believe i told you not to reply! that’s okay, i didn’t expect it, so i’m just glad you thought enough of me to take the time.
i had a wicked john cusack dream last night. so wicked, in fact, i tried desperately to get back to sleep so i could continue hugging and loving on him. *sigh* dreams are good.
i’m currently a wee bit preoccupied with worry about a small domestic issue. i was making my breakfast to bring to work (toast with peanut butter & strawberry jam) and my toast burned. horribly, horribly burned. there was a good foot of smoke hanging from the ceiling. i threw open the kitchen window and fanned the smoke towards it. i opened the bathroom window in hopes of getting cross-breeze, then i fanned some more. all this was in desperate hope to get the smoke outside before it reached the smoke detector in the main room.
i think i managed to clear it all out, but i was running late for work and had to shut the windows because it’s damn cold lately. my worry is that there was still enough smoke left inside that it will work its way to the smoke detector, set it off, alert my neighbours who will think my apartment is on fire because i’m not there to fan the lingering smoke away and they’ll call the fire department and i’ll show up at home tonight and all my neighbours will hate me because i’m a bad toast-maker.
*gasp*
i almost turned around and went back home to double-check. then i thought about firemen in my apartment and i worried because my vibrator is sitting on my desk, right out in the open. it’d be almost, but not quite as bad as the time my bathroom sink was leaking into my downstairs neighbour’s apartment and the caretakers had to go in to fix it and i was on the rag and the trash can had dirty pads in it. unwrapped dirty pads. i’m still embarassed about that.
anyway, i’m going to have to talk to my boss about either getting someone to help me with my current workload or arranging some overtime to get everything done i need to do. i think i’ll have to come in at least some time this weekend just to catch up. oh well, it’s not like i had other plans, right? although, i have this sick desire to go see the erotic hypnotist at the arts club theatre tomorrow night. i won’t be able to talk meg et al into going, so i’m safe.
so, yeah. thanks. y’all are sweet and very much too nice to me.

i’m boycotting blogs, email, and instant messages for the rest of the day and all of tonight. if you know how to find me by telnet, i’ll probably be there. if not, too bad. you’ll just have to deal without me.

i wrote a long, bare-my-soul type post this morning. i was all set to upload it and then i read andrea’s comment about the purple pirate finding this site via his referral logs. that got me to worrying about tarnishing my image by letting people read the truth about me.
the truth.
i mean, that guy from hot-or-not surely won’t want to email me anymore if he reads what i wrote. the purple pirate, who probably doesn’t remember me from a specific balloon poodle he made, wouldn’t think i was cool after that. everyone will read it and think “ew. i can’t believe i thought i liked her. she’s so fucked up!”
well, fuck you if you can’t handle it. if you don’t want to read it, then don’t. just skip right down the page, or leave entirely, i don’t care which. make up your mind, because here it comes:
i’ve been thinking about why i haven’t had any wild sex. i’m sure it’s part and parcel of my general lack of practical sexual experience. i’m wildly green for a twenty-nine year old. but, even more than that… i think i’m gross and getting naked in front of people makes me shy and scared.
i’m fat, you see. actually, i think the clinical term is obese. really, really fat. if you saw me walking down the street your eyes would narrow critically and think “ew, what a slob”. sometimes, i delude myself into thinking i’m a pretty attractive person. i know for a fact i’m actually somewhat cute… from the neck up. that’s why there are very few full-length pictures available of me. i’ve got to sustain the illusion of my allure. it’s all i’ve got.
when someone expresses an interest in me, i get happy and i’m flattered and i’m attracted and i feel somewhat better about myself. until i see myself in the mirror as i’m walking around my apartment. that’s when the “they’ll run screaming when they see me naked” thoughts begin. they’ve effectively sabotaged several pretty good chances at my having a normal relationship in the past. i just can’t rid myself of the prejudice against human nature’s ingrained desire for physical beauty above all things.
i am not physically beautiful.
although, that does not mean i am not beautiful in other ways.
it’s taken me a very long time to be able to say, think, and write that last sentence. the hardest part was learning to believe it. thankfully, i do now. i truly do.
but, i still think i’m gross to look at.
the worst part about having these feelings is not being able to express them to anyone else. as soon as you do utter something of this sort about yourself, the person you’re uttering them to feels some urge to assure you, emphatically, that you are indeed beautiful and it doesn’t matter how fat you are or how big your nose is. they take great pains to try to make you feel better when, in fact, all they’re doing is making themselves feel better. people don’t like to hear another put themselves down because it arouses all their own self-doubts and self-confidence issues. they immediately quash their negativity with heaps of positive platitudes in order to stuff down their rising fear of being discovered as a less-than-good-enough person.
i don’t want people to attempt to reassure me that i’m not unattractive. they can’t ever assure me that i’m not fat, which is what i mean when i say “i’m icky”. i’m icky because people don’t lust and fantasize over fat girls. normally, that is. i’m fully aware of the “chubby chaser” breed of human; but, they’re rare and are often ashamed of their preference.
but, for now, when i try to have a relationship of any sort there’s always that lingering fear in the back of my mind. that little voice that whispers to me in the dark of night: “so what if they think you’re smart? so what if they think you’re funny? they haven’t seen you with your clothes off yet… that’s when they’ll run!”
don’t start with the “obviously you’re not gross. people have had sex with you” bit. trust me, i’ve tried to use that on myself a million times. but, thinking about the people i’ve had sex with, i fairly sure i’m right when i say i was just scratching an itch they couldn’t reach, if you know what i mean. i was convenient, willing and warm. that’s all they needed at the time, so i fit the bill. don’t make that clucking noise with your tongue, either. it’s okay. most of them were just convenient for me, too.
i have hope though. i have the hope that someday i’ll find someone in whom i trust so much that i’ll be able to ignore that voice. that there’s a person out there who can love every part of me like the other. that my insides and my outsides are all beautiful to them and they will wonder over every bit and in their wonder i will be at peace.

oh, the sexy chair is on sale this week. just when i’d resolved not to spend anymore money on big-ticket items. maybe that’s what i’ll ask for xmas from dad instead of a digital camera.
i’m smoking too much lately. i’m not really sure why. instead of one each way to/from work, i’m having two. instead of not smoking at all at home, i’ve found myself out on the balcony in snow, sleet, rain and wind, hugging myself in my wool sweater to keep warm while i powersmoke my brains out. i’m obviously lacking something.
it’s probably kissing.