everyone loves me today because i baked cookies last night. i need a redesign in the worst way. i want new hair. driving to work this morning was slightly surreal. it looked & felt like ten p.m. instead of 7 a.m. i kept thinking i should be going home instead of to work. i need more sleep. i hope it doesn’t rain before noon so i can go for another walk today. i felt great this morning, but as soon as i got to work, my head started to hurt. i want to know why tuesdays always go so slowly for me. fast. it’s going rather fast. i need to vacuum tonight.

last night i dreamt about dresses with corsets, digital cameras, current & past coworkers, $500 and a fair bit of sex. no wonder i’m so tired today.

marie & i went for a nice forty-minute walk at lunch. t’was great, actually. of course, i was wearing my new shoes which haven’t been fully broken in yet. now i’m afraid to get up ’cause i just know the tops of my toes are rubbed raw. i think it’ll be a sandals day tomorrow.
i just wish my head would stop hurting.

my word of the day: bloo.
yes, i know it’s not actually a word. but, today, every time you’re about to type “blue” you must substitute “bloo”. do it! i bet no one will notice. then you can have a happy little shiver of subversive joy while you write. i like happy little shivers of subversive joy. =)

so, it’s kind of funny in cliche hollywood kind of way that this crusher has expressed their crushing considering i spent most of sunday alternately basking the newfound bloom of infatuation i find myself wafting about in and chiding myself for acting so childish about it all. regardless of any serious considerations, i have to say it’s been a long time since i’ve felt so special to someone, in that way. no matter what comes of it all, i will make a concerted effort to simply enjoy that someone is crushing on me and i am crushing on them.
it’s just that the palpitations are so damn distracting!

oh my god! someone said they’re crushing on me! i think i’m going to die! *jumping up and down, screaming like a teenager at an nsync concert*

the most unfortunate first name run across while processing applications: dilbag.

and to add insult to injury… i’m at work on a saturday.

you know, i thought that since i’d finally woken up when my alarm went off and managed to get out of the house not late, but early, i’d have a good day. since the second i got here, it’s been nothing but interruptions and people coming for assistance and phone calls from my boss bugging me about the crap that val dumped on me. i felt bad for getting pissy at him about it since he’s not feeling well, but geez… *deep breath* and now i’m getting a headache and there was only a half a cup of crappy coffee in the pot. at least i’m having a good hair day.
i need a hug.

i was in the middle of a post about how jumpy i’ve been post-september 11th. i was describing the plane which flew by my window this afternoon. how the low-flying prop plane was heading distinctly away from the airport and towards downtown, leaving a slight trail of black smoke. i was writing about how all these horrible scenarios lept to mind as i watched it go past. it crashing into the bridge i go across twice daily. the exhaust actually being a toxic substance being crop-dusted over the populace. i was writing about how i used to love looking up to see an airplane flying by. i’d sigh softly and wish i were in that metal tube travelling somewhere or returning from someplace. now, i look at them and think “that seems rather low. oh my god, that’s big. i hope it doesn’t crash.” i was writing about the fear i feel, just below the surface, in everything i do and everything i see. how that fear isn’t going away whether i think on it or try my best to ignore it and the things which caused it.
then there was a large rumbling noise in the building and the fire alarms went off. i imagined the worst as i gathered my wallet & keys and ushered everyone out of the department as is my duty as fire warden. making my way down the hall, past the screaming alarm bells, i may have looked calm but inside… inside i was screaming for my mommy and praying it was just a false alarm.
it was. thank god.
now, i’m home. safe. fed. almost warm. i’m emotionally exhausted and i’m going to have a nap. i hope i don’t dream.

my three minute blog:
it’s been two hours since i’ve been able to do any work at work and now that everything is up and running again, i can’t seem to make myself pick up where i left off. i want to go back to reading my book or just leave and close this day with a resounding slam of the door. i want to enjoy the bright, sunny day and the brisk breeze. wow, it’d be a perfect day for playing frizbee in the park. *sigh* if only. maybe i should have gone home at one like i thought of.
instead, i got to have bitchy val glare at me and the pile of work she gave me which i was unable to do because of network problems. i wanted to turn around and say to her “hey, you know this is not my problem and if you have issues with me not getting your mess cleaned up fast enough for you, then you can just take it to my boss.” fuck. i thought i’d be less angry about her attitude by now. it’s been a week…
that’s okay. survivor’s on tonight.

oh my god, i just remembered my dream from last night. actually, in the middle of the dream i recall thinking that i had to remember it to write about today. go figure.
anyway, i was walking down this hedge-lined street when i heard a man’s deep voice and saw headlights coming up behind me. i was nervous about being seen, so i ducked into a bush and hid while the car passed. it was a large, white, convertible. vintage pimp-mobile, for certain. and no one was driving it, or so it seemed.
it was travelling very slowly down the street and all the while a male voice was talking. then, a head popped up and the occupant turned off a video camera which i hadn’t seen on the dash. the weirdest part was the occupant turned out to be scott!
as soon as i saw it was him (and i knew i wasn’t in danger, although what danger i was in wasn’t apparent) i hopped out from the bushes and waved at him. he turned to me, flashed me this beautiful, cheeky grin, a cigarette between his teeth, and then he drove away down the road. i was a little miffed at that. i wondered why he wouldn’t have stopped to offer me a lift or at least say “hey”.
from there it got weird and i’m incapable of accurately describing the insanity which ensued; but, i was being chased and i did a lot of hiding from security people and a fairly decent job of impersonating and eyeglass salesperson.
but that scott-smile… it stuck with me all the rest of the night. and now that i’ve remembered it, it’ll stick with me the rest of the day.
why, when i dream of blog people, is it always scott & paige?

the highlight of my day at work for the last two weeks has been lunch. why? because i get to read my book, that’s why. i’m so in love with the characters! i’m thankful each book is over 700 pages and there are five of them to read, with a sixth one planned. yay!

tuesday, amongst an indecent amount of bills, i received two cineplex odeon admission passes from my mom. she’d entered a contest to win a barbeque (because she’s such the outdoor cooker — not), but had received the passes as a secondary prize winner. there are no theatres locally she can use them at, so she sent them to me. ’tis perfect as there are a few flicks i wouldn’t mind going to. now the decision is whether i go to two movies by myself or one movie with an accomplice?
have i mentioned lately how much i love getting presents?

he won’t believe it, but edge has probably been the flotation device which has bought me safely out of the stormy emotional seas i’ve been in for the last couple of weeks. just when i was about to drown in work stress and general tedium, he started popping up in my comments and sending me email. his bright, cheerful countenance a spark in my dreary day-to-days. i’m sure it doesn’t hurt that he thinks i’m witty and intelligent, but that goes without saying. it’s a little fatal attraction to say this after only really talking to him for a few days, but truly, he came along, piqued my interest and interacted with me at just the right time to help me feel a little more human.
thanks, elroy.

la la la… it’s the thursday morning mpeg! it’s all about sloan today:
“Coax Me” by Sloan
sloan is good. sloan is great. i still have a crush on jay ferguson, but patrick pentland is the hottie. listening to the good ol’ sloan (smeared, twice removed) totally takes me back to when i lived and died by the east coast indie scene… and the boy who introduced me to it.

i’m living vicariously through everyone else’s sex life. i really have no choice, seeing as i’ll probably never have sex again… *sigh*

i’m palpitating. i’m fucking hyperventilating! what sort of freak am i? i think i may just give in…

i feel like i have a lot to say. considering i haven’t wanted to talk to almost anyone for the last several weeks, it’s a strange feeling.

i want to go home, open the blinds to the grey weather, curl up under the über-blankie with my book and a mug of hot chocolate while listening to sloan cds on repeat. there’s something about the boppy presentation of dismal subjects their early albums provide which completely suits the strange, quiet, dark mood i’m in.
i want to talk to someone on the phone. then i want them to come over so we can cuddle on the futon. i want to have pizza for dinner. i want a giant version of my little lion, jamala, to cuddle with as i fall asleep (i tried with him last night, but he’s just too small to properly snuggle). in lieu, i’d be happy to be spooned. i want to hear a new accent. i want to feel the stubble on a man’s cheek.
greedy.
by the way, i’m wearing two pairs of socks today.