just. can’t. stay. awake. it’s not like i didn’t get a full eight hours of sleep, either. i think it’s the weather. two weeks ago, i rushed home to have a cold shower in order to feel normal. last night, i rushed home to have a hot shower to feel normal. hell, i turned the fucking heat on last night. it’s august. i shouldn’t be turning the heat on in august.
if you’re looking for me, i’ll be the girl with tears running down her face from yawning so hard and so often.
how annoying is this?! there is only one section left for the course i want to take this fall and it’s from 1 – 4pm on saturdays! of course, that’s better than 9am-noon on saturdays, but still! why not thursdays? thursdays are a good night to be in class. *sigh* now i have to decide if i’m willing to sacrifice twelve saturdays this fall…
every once in a while i feel the need to stretch my web-legs and find new people to peek in on. today’s discoveries include:
messy chestnut – small fonts, long posts, big words. it’s like he made it just for me.
what i learned today – more useless facts to take up valuable real estate within my brain.
how to talk dirty & influence people – miss junglista is one spicy babe.
because i’m such a slave to both fashion and memes, i wanted to be just like jena and show off my newest shoe acquisition. besides the fact they’re cute as hell…
they cost me $100 less than retail! i’m so very, very good…
there should be no reason why i woke up at 4:43 this morning. there should be even fewer reasons why i actually got up out of bed, made coffee and got dressed at that god-awful hour of the day. especially considering it’s raining and i have to drive dad to & from work for the next couple days while his car is in the shop. not that i begrudge driving him — he’s bailed me out far too many times for me to care about that. i’m just worried that i won’t be able to have my morning smoke… it could be dangerous.
btw, this is what i was working on yesterday instead of actual work.
it’s 11:48 am. i’ve just finished my lunch. it was very tasty. i’ve spent the morning pissing around with web stuff. that’s all. the pile of work i need to accomplish is getting bigger every minute. do i care? no, not really. do i care that i don’t care? a little, but not much. i’d rather be doing what i was doing or reading my new book (gilgamesh by stephan grundy) or be at a matinee…
oh, shit. that’s not very living in the moment, is it? see how easy it is to slip back into old patterns? okay, i’m going to enjoy what i’m doing at this moment.
even if it isn’t what they’re paying me for. *grin*
i think it’s the last-ditch effort of the single twenty-(almost thirty)-something to start taking classes. yesterday, i caught myself seriously perusing the list of courses being offered through the community centre this fall. i even went so far as to circle some. but, the worst and most desperate thing i could have done was consciously decide that i needed to go to classes where there would be a good chance of there being men present.
no, can’t take flower arranging.
no, no, no. not the weight loss seminar.
oh! yeah! home electrical wiring! that’s more like it!
ooh… first aid!
i’d probably have more luck if i went back to “real” school, but i just can’t decide which branch i want to pursue: programming, networking or web design/admin. besides, all they really offer for web work are courses in java and photoshop. networking mightn’t be so horrible, but then i’ll spend my life chasing microsoft certifications.
as for the classes, i’ll probably end up taking yoga with meghan and possibly japanese – level one. neither will really do much for me, but they’ll get me out of the house two nights a week.
i wasn’t prepared for it at all. it came as a total shock and i still don’t think i’ve recovered. dean propositioned me for sex last night. the only thing i could think to day was “uh…” the conversation went something like this:
me: how was golf?
him: it was good.
[insert perky banter]
me: you’re wired for sound tonight.
him: i’m not weird!
[insert more banter]
him: i was kind of hoping for sex tonight.
me: this game is better than sex [i was playing pong]
[insert yet more chit chat]
him: i can be there in five minutes.
me: uh…
besides the fact that recreational sex is not in my nature (as the whole jason fiasco revealed), there are a stack of reasons why sleeping with dean would be detrimental to my tenuous grasp of a social life. i’ve also come to the conclusion that right now, i’m just not interested in getting sticky with another person. i have some issues i need to deal with before i’m ready for that kind of interaction.
i just really hope this doesn’t fuck up our card nights.
i had a complete and utter alzheimer’s moment this morning as i was leaving for work. i made my breakfast, packed my bag, put on my shoes and grabbed my keys. as i walked out the front door to my car, i kept one arm in front of my face so i wouldn’t walk headlong into a spider web. there’s nothing worse than getting a face full of web first thing in the morning. you spend the next then minutes dancing around like a dervish brushing yourself off and praying there are no spiders in your hair or on your clothing.
the next thing i remembered, i was standing at the driver’s side door of my car attempting to put a house key into the door lock. i was gripped by uncertainty. did i lock my apartment door? i honestly couldn’t remember.
standing there, i debated whether i had to go back in to ensure my abode was secure against invaders.
“it’s not like i left the iron on,” i thought, “there’s no threat of fire.”
yeah, but would you rather have all your stuff stolen or destroyed in flames?
i grudgingly trudged back inside and turned the handle on my door. yeah. it was locked. i hadn’t felt like a knob until that moment. then i wondered how i could possibly manage to lock the door and get from point a to point b without even remembering doing so.
being that unaware of my actions concerns me. i’ve been thinking lately about the concept of living in the moment, not the past or the present. even my father has been telling me lately “don’t wish your life away” when, on a slow wednesday morning, i’d tell him i couldn’t wait for the weekend. i have a bad tendency to dwell on the past and relive my mistakes. equally, i tend to spend too much time dreaming about what may come, how things may turn out, without actually planning for alternate outcomes, which causes me distress which i will brood upon once the moment has passed.
i want to be happy to be me, at this moment. i want to be able to let go of my past and not let it control me and hinder me from making better choices now, in the present. i keep making the same mistakes over and over because i haven’t let go of the circumstances in which i made the mistake the first time. until i do, i will be doomed to be either alone or in self-destructive relationships. until i do, i will be fat and unhealthy. until i do, i will be insecure and self-doubting.
at this moment, i am glad i’m writing this down.
i don’t mean to bust in on paige’s schtick, but this word of the day was just too fitting to the weblog/journalling community that i couldn’t help but share it:
idiolect (ID-ee-uh-lekt) noun Language usage pattern unique to a person.
“See the unique way you put words together? That’s your idiolect: your personal dialect. That’s your language; no one else has it.”
Chris Redgate, The Red Pencil, The Washington Post, May 17, 2001.
[via awad]
someone has a new design.
now why didn’t *i* think to get her that for her birthday?
i’m suddenly very sleepy…
i’d just like to take a moment to express just how much i hate those little, skinny women in the office. you know the ones i mean. the little, skinny women who wear sweaters all year long because they are always cold.
sally: “i’m so cold!”
susan: “me too. someone turn up the heat”
clarissa: “please don’t, i’m just comfortable.”
sally: “but i’m so cold!”
clarissa: “you can put on a sweater if you’re cold. i can’t take off my shirt if i’m too hot.”
susan: “we’ll just turn it up a little bit.”
sally: “yes, it’s so cold!”
clarissa: “*sigh*”
alternately:
betty: “ooh, it’s chilly outside!”
tina: “what’s the temperature?”
betty: “i don’t know. 25?”
tina: “oh no! i didn’t bring a sweater!”
clarissa (thinking): “i’m going to kill them. kill them dead.”
for the past week my nipples have been very tender. today, they’re tender and hard. i don’t know what it means, but i’m sure it’s not because i’m cold.
i’ve been having a lot of vivid, thought-provoking dreams lately. maybe it’s the heat. maybe it’s all the vegetables i’ve been eating. who knows? what’s really haunting me about them is the starring role my exes have been playing in them.
it’s bad enough i’ve almost completely lost touch with anyone i’ve had serious feelings for in the last few years. in most of the cases, it’s been for the best. but lately… i’m consumed with the desire to get back into contact with one of them in particular. the dream i had with him in it the other night has not helped that yearning. without success, i’ve searched for an email address for him since it would be less risky to contact him that way than to use the phone number i’ve had for him for the past two years.
i really just want to know how he’s doing. to find out how his life is right now. then i wonder if the only reason i want to contact him is that i’ve forgotten how horrible it felt to be with him at the end. and it was bad. it usually is when you find out someone’s sleeping with their ex when you are.
there’s very little chance i will pick up the phone to talk to him. i’ll just sit and wonder and drive myself a little batty with speculation. basically, i’m chicken. there’s a lot of risk involved with renewing that relationship, on any level. but, i cared so much for him at one point in my life, it’s very hard to let go of that and not be curious, and hopeful, about his life now.
i also miss jason, even though i’m still mad at him.
i really have to stop falling asleep for two hours after dinner.
i was just struck by a sudden and severe craving for red licorice. i want it. i want it NOW. i’m almost willing to go out in the heat just to get some. but, if i do that, then i’ll have a cigarette and i’m really trying to keep it down to no more than two a day during the week.
stupid baby carrots just won’t fill that licorice void. *sigh*
i have a headache from sorting, cleaning, unscrewing, rescrewing, adjusting, moving, arranging, rearranging and surveying my new desk and surrounding domain. i wish i had a digital camera, i’d take a picture for you. it’s all very pretty in an institutional grey kind of way. but my toys are back up on display, so i feel a little more at home.
i haven’t done a lot to talk about. it’s too hot and i’m concentrating on trying to catch up on the sleep i think i’m missing. that’s got to be the reason why i’m so fucking tired lately.
i’m going to blow off the book club meeting tonight. i haven’t finished the book and i’m really far too broke to go out for dinner. i’m going to have to scrounge change enough for lunch on friday. i really blew my budget this month. i’m rather ashamed of myself.
ooh, i get a new desk today. unfortunately, that means i lose my office. i knew it was temporary. really. i was prepared for this day. *sniffle* i won’t miss it at all. *sob*
although, i’d happily trade it for one of the bouncy chairs.