i’m sure it will break in many varied and exciting ways, but i like it. oh, perma-links are toast. they really don’t like frames, the bastards.

i ignored my computer last night and i was very aware that i was doing so. then i made the mistake of trying to see if i could get any further in quakeII. i played for over two hours, possibly three, and i finally finished the first level! you can’t possibly understand what this means. i suck at quake more than anyone has ever sucked at quake. and i finished the level! i even found secrets!! whee! when i finally shut it down, i felt like such a badass. then i passed out.
and i slept. really slept. i needed that so very much. i could have done with a couple more hours, but it was still so nice to have a good night’s rest. i get really out of sorts when i don’t sleep well, mostly because i hardly ever have trouble sleeping, so i don’t know how to cope when i do. i hope i can do the same tonight.

i just renewed my domain name for two more years.
aw, fuck. just when i thought we’d be rid of her
shut up. who let the voices out of the vault?

there are three things which bring me to tears within seconds of my thinking about them. they are:
– my grandmother’s demise the summer i turned eighteen.
– my cat, spud, waiting for me to return home from vacation to see me once more before she died.
– the events of seattle 2001.
i really shouldn’t think about any of them at the office.

i’m tired and cranky and pissed off and angry and sad and i feel fat and gross. everything and everyone is annoying me today. i don’t want to be at work. i don’t want to be at home. i don’t want to be anywhere with anyone. i don’t want to be alone. i want to be held. i don’t want anyone to touch me. i want to get drunk. i don’t want to smell booze. i want to smoke. i can’t stand smoking. i want to drive far away. my car can barely make it home. i hate my coworkers. they’re the best thing about my job. i want to spend money. i don’t have any money to spend. i want to sleep. i don’t want to dream. i need a haircut. i want a bath. i want to go swimming. i want to forget seattle exists. i want to read. i want to go see a movie. i want to scream. i want to run down the hallway, waving my arms, yelling “fuck you! fuck you! fuck you!” i want to play bingo. i want to be twenty-six. i want to wear my pajamas to work. i want to play the piano. i want to cry.

FUCK!

i slept like crap last night. even with the smurfy new matress pad i bought to give myself another 2.5 inches of foamy goodness, i tossed and turned and was generally miserable. that’s three nights. in a row. if i don’t get some decent sleep tonight, i think i may hurt someone.
during one of the few periods of real slumber i managed to steal, i dreamt that i met scott. he didn’t look anything like he did online. i spent most of our time together trying to reconcile the young, clean-cut, preppy boy i was talking to against the hard-assed, sarcastic punk i’d imagined him to be. he was still hot, though.
meghan gave me copies of her pictures from our day in seattle last month. i’ve scanned a few of them and added them to my gallery. go take a look.

well, not really. but, i do have a fat lip thanks to my friend meghan. we were horsing around last night and she slammed a beer can into my mouth, cutting my lip on my teeth and making me bleed. my friends are so good to me!
i spent a couple hours yesterday rearranging my main (read: only) room. unfortunately, i have limited choices in the way in which i can situate furniture due to the ill-placed doors in the room i live and sleep in, so it’s not a major change, but i decided that after three years, i had to attempt to move something. it’s not too bad. it’s both more and less open. i’m sure i’ll be bumping my shins on the futon for a week or so until i get used to it.
once my laundry’s done, i think i’m going to go shopping for a new mattress pad and the next ender book. shit. i also have to get the book & wine club book. i really don’t think it’s my cup of tea, but i’ll at least give this group activity a shot. it’s tough ’cause i’m really not much of a joiner. plus, i also don’t analyse and discuss the books i read. i just read them to enjoy them.
i have a headache. i think it’s the rain’s fault.

i have an unhealthy obsession with wondering if the people i know i can touch their toes. therefore, i pose this question: can YOU touch your toes?

i’m sitting here eating crispy m&m’s and praying that the next 102 minutes goes by very quickly. i’m beyond ready to end this work week.
someone entertain me.

watermelon
bananas (6)
papaya
salad-in-a-bag
new potatoes (2)
mushrooms
crystal light peach or raspberry iced tea (4)
heinz beans in tomato sauce (2)
canned whole mushrooms (2)
multi-grain buns (4)
medium cheddar
whole wheat spaghettini
banana loaf/bread
toilet paper

no.

From: HEATHER
Sent: July 11, 2001 2:49 PM
To: EXECUTIVE SECRETARY
Subject: por favor, senora
I’m in possession of some Top Secret Confidential Documents of Kerry’s and she’s asked that I lock them up at the end of the day. Normally, I’d put them in Sam’s office; but, well… Sam doesn’t have an office right now as you are no doubt aware. If you were not aware, that would be the purpose of the men in hard hats who have been frequenting our little corner of the building.
I was hoping, as we arrive and leave about the same time of day, I could impose upon you to secure these Top Secret Confidential Documents with your collection of Top Secret Confidential Documents.
Eagerly awaiting your kind response,
Heather
Possessor of Top Secret Confidential Documents

i want to take pictures of bathroom stalls. more specifically, people’s feet while they’re using bathroom stalls. without them knowing i’m doing it. when i get my camera, i’m going to become a bathroom phototgraphy freak. i will get caught crouching on bathroom floors taking pictures of people while they’re doing their business. i will get chased out of public washrooms. i will get threatened with violence. i will pick up diseases from getting so close to unsanitary floor surfaces. i will have a collection of photographs of people’s feet while they’re going pee or poo or changing their tampon or masturbating or having sex. i will be famous and regarded as the best bathroom photographer in the world!

i love with the ferocity of a lioness rending the flesh from a still-quivering carcass. i fear my emotion; fear that it will kill with that same animal instinct. it is for that reason alone i squash and deny it. i cannot bear to let my beasts loose themselves on innocents. my conscience would never stand it. so i wander, on the precipice, blithely kicking small stones over the edge, watching them fall, wishing i could let my love run with the power and grace it was born to. but i stay on solid, safe, mundane ground… and so it goes, again.

sometimes i find myself holding on a little too tightly to the arm of the chair i’m sitting in or i’m pressing too hard on the table top before me. it’s as if i’m unconsciously ensuring that i don’t slide off the face of the earth and fall into the sky.

i have a hotmail account i only use when registering for free services online which i suspect will sell my address to spammers or send me spam themselves. so, i don’t check it very often. once, maybe twice a month. i just checked it.
seems a 40 year-old german fellow with a penchant for shemales and exhibitionism saw my webcam and offered “hot kisses…whereever you enjoy them most”.
i feel dirty.

have you ever thought about what it would be like to lose your hearing, your sight, your mobility? i would like to spend a day being deaf, a day being blind, a day in a wheelchair, a day without an arm or a leg. i want to experience, first-hand, what it’s like to have to live with those restrictions. i can imagine what it would be like not to see, hear or walk, but i can’t ever know how it truly feels. if nothing else, it will better equip me for empathy.
on a somewhat related note, the cute, deaf mover-guy keeps looking at me. i don’t mind. he’s nice to look back at; but, that got me thinking. i don’t know any sign language save for about 20 letters of the alphabet (i have a mental block regarding the other six) and although he has some spoken language, i wonder how he would go about chatting me up if he was so inclined. would he bring his translator along? would he write me a note? would he even bother trying to hook up with a hearing girl?
i think the toughest question of all is whether or not i’d be able to have a relationship with a non-hearing guy. would i buckle under the added pressures such a relationship would contain? could i look past the obvious hurdles and be able to get to know the person behind the handicap? these questions are providing some very interesting food for introspective thought.

i suppose i should post a picture of me ‘n’ my specs before i take the cam back tomorrow, as interest was previously expressed. if you laugh, i will kill you.

the office construction has finally penetrated my departmental sanctuary. the hard-hatted and visi-vested men have infiltrated finance & MIS. this is both appalling and titilating. it’s not often there are suddenly twenty to thirty strapping men in steel-toed boots wandering around us administrative women.
the stereotype is that construction workers heckle attractive women. trust me, we may not be as sonorous about it, but us women sure can get raunchy when discussing the construction workers. *fans herself*
seems one of the cute mover-men is deaf. we were discussing this in conspiritorial whispers across the room from him. i was back at my desk a short time later and i wondered just why we were whispering about the deaf guy. it’s not like he could have heard us talking about him.