while watching the stepford wives yesterday, i observed that almost none of the women were wearing bras. it was 1975; it’s understandable. what got me thinking though, was one of the character’s comments about their women’s league meeting not turning into a “maidenform bonfire”. well, duh. there aren’t any bras in stepford to burn!.

amateur porn meets home & garden tv with a little MST3K thrown in for spice. i find this entertaining on so many levels. first, that guys have taken photos of themselves in some of the positions they have. second, that these photos wound up online. third, that they have such horrible taste in decorating.
it’s a great way spend your coffee break, and you won’t get fired for looking at dirty pictures because they blank out all the naughty bits! [thanks eaton]

so, i managed to do some laundry, cooking & washing up. i even manged to accomplish showering; but, as for dressing, i never got past wearing my cute little crushed velvet chemise. i haven’t gone any further outside than my balcony, where i sat in the sunshine and read for two hours. that was after watching the stepford wives (i’d never seen it all the way through). i feel like i haven’t had a proper meal, but i know i’ve had a lot of snacks during the day. i just can’t seem to recall what they were.
other than the book i’m reading (xenocide by orson scott card, if you must know), the one thing which has occupying my thoughts today is smoking. you see, no matter how much i like to kid myself by saying i’m only a social smoker, i’m not. i’m a smoker. eighty-percent of the time i love smoking. i don’t smoke a pack a day. i don’t even smoke half a pack a day (unless i’m out with meg & mark). but, i do, indeed, smoke.
why has smoking been on my mind so much today? because i couldn’t. you see, when i signed my rental agreement, i told the landlords i didn’t smoke. so, i’ve never smoked inside my apartment. but, about six months after i moved in, i started sneaking smokes out on the balcony, after dark, when no neighbours would see me and report me to my big, bad, german landlords. i’m still paranoid about it, although i’ve decided that if they ever confront me, i’ll tell them i picked up the habit again *after* i moved in and assure them that i’ve never smoked inside.
regardless of background, today was beautiful day, all my neighbours had their balcony doors & windows open and the people in the house next door had a yard full of kids running around and i just felt too chicken to sit out there and smoke boldly. all day, i’ve been gauging the risk of discovery against my need for nicotine. except for a power smoke while hiding behind my balcony door at nine this morning, i’ve been withholding the carcinogenic pleasure of a cigarette (i wish this power of will could be used for other things i wish to abstain from in life).
i bother you with all this because, just as i was about to step out there and puff happily away, my upstairs neighbour came home and opened up all her doors & windows. fuck! now i have to keep waiting. i’m so very close to saying “fuck it” and lighting up. right here. at my desk. but, i won’t. i’m good. i always do the right thing, even when it goes against every desire i have.
where’s the freaking gum? *twitch*

this story of
it said eye doctor.
first time i want a
coin equal to some parmesan
cheese on saturday. but,
the way to
zoom in all we made a bit
of the best, part of my
bikini line.
i was the runners, please! woman movie
child
fuck off during the
edge of other interests and
rummaged around the
ground,
the chance. of dishes but he did
laundry
glasses!! travel once again, on the dollar
store!i could take the
pictures to
top clouds in his voice.

i think i’m going to call about a one-bedroom i saw in the paper for only forty bucks more than i pay now. i don’t know why, but i have a feeling it’s going to be good enough for me to want to move. but, if i give my notice with less than a month, can they charge me for august’s rent as well (my current landlords, that is)?
i was struck with the desire to go looking at places. i don’t know why, as i’ve been really comfortable here lately, after resigning myself to the fact that i need to stay cheap until i manage some of my debt. of course, i haven’t been doing a lot of that with all the spending i’ve been doing lately. that’s all right, i’ve pretty much decided that i’m going to take the web cam back. i should do that today, before my two-week window is up. i’ve gotten pictures of me and my specs. that’s all i really cared about. besides, no one wants to see live feeds of me sitting here blogging.
i stayed up late watching rear window last night. i’d forgotten how good that movie is. i kept thinking of how much went into creating the characters of jimmy stewart’s neighbours. the artist lady down stairs, miss torso, the nookie couple. i also realized how much hitchcock relied on the visuals as opposed to dialogue. there really isn’t a lot of talking in that film. i like that. it didn’t feel the need to over-explain. i hate films which treat the audience like an idiot. that’s one of my issues with AI, i’ve come to realize.
i’m going to watch another hitchcock film, rope, while i wait for my laundry to finish. then it’s time to do my weekly cook-up so i have food for lunches during the week. after that… who knows. i might see if meg & mark want to do something. other than her dropping in for a beer on her way home from the hair dresser yesterday, i haven’t seen them all weekend.

i realized i’ve only had one cup of coffee today. no wonder i feel like poop.

i’m sitting at my desk, working on my blog design & blowing spit bubbles and i don’t care who catches me.

i am feeling anxious and stressed and i don’t know why. i feel like a trapped animal and all i want to do is head for the exits and run far, far away.
i shouldn’t have gotten out of bed.

i’ve been working on the upcoming redesign a lot over the last couple of days. i get to a point where i think i’m happy, then a new idea invades my creative headspace and i just have to try it out. at this point, it’s looking nothing at all like i planned and i’m certain it’s going to look equally different by the time i publish it. i’m convinced it is the learning i enjoy above the aethestics.
dinner with my father at the keg last night. he hadn’t been there since being married to my mother. i hadn’t been there since a post-moving meal three years ago. i was upset they didn’t offer a chicken breast & lobster tail meal for those of us who don’t eat cow. the chicken i had was so very salty. the tomato salsa consisted mainly of tomatoes and visible chunks of garlic. you should be glad i’m only typing at you today. our waiter offered to “buy” me dessert as it was my birthday. dad & i shared apple crumble and vanilla ice cream.
my foot is swollen. i hate the heat.

holy shit, people!
okay, let’s tally up my birthday haul so far:
– before sunrise from the myster giver
– conversational japanese in 7 days from kaydee
– the vagina monologues from chaos
– the melancholy death of oyster boy & other stories from tyler
today, i received:
– another copy of the melancholy death of oyster boy from paige
– a box full of thinkgeek goodies including: a book, herbal energy mints, a foo sticker, an “i read your e-mail” sticker and the office voodoo kit — but, i don’t know who these were from, as there was no note in or on the box. i’m going to guess it was the ¨bersweet goddess, because it was shipped to “heater”.
wow. that’s all i can say. wow. oh, and thank you so very, very much.

i’m sitting here at work, drinking coffee out of my albino giraffe mug, breathing in the paint fumes, realizing i haven’t had breakfast and i’ll probably get hungry soon, and contemplating whether or not my bladder is full enough to warrant the long walk down the hall to empty it.
when i arrived, there was an envelope sitting on my keyboard. as it had my name written on it, i opened it. inside was the most beautiful birthday card from my dad. it was so heartfelt and mushy that i started to get teary standing there reading it. when i found him shortly thereafter, i hugged him and told him he wasn’t supposed to make me cry first thing in the morning. he’s getting soft in his old age. i don’t mind one bit.
marie is taking me out for lunch today. hopefully early; i’m going to be starved. dad’s taking me out for dinner tonight. i’m going for lunch with debbie tomorrow. getting older = free food.
by the way, scott said my glasses were “*mighty* swank”. yeah, baby. swank. i like that.

it was a good day. slightly less hooplah than i’d have liked, but damn, i sure did get a lot of stuff! like the aforementioned books & webcam, my albino giraffe products arrived from cafepress! yay! i have a new mug and mouse pad! of course, with the optical mouse, i don’t *need* a mouse pad anymore. i suppose i could send it to someone. maybe my secret cricket.
btw, anyone know how to keep the logitech quick cam software from disconnecting my dialup when i stop the web cam? if you do, please please please send me an email. it’s really fucking annoying.
i’d also like to thank everyone who sent me good cheer on this scary 29th anniversary of my birth. i really appreciate every email and present. thank you! you all rawk, man.

my birthday present (or blight, depending on your perspective) to all of you. the fubsycam!

i’ve had my coffee. tyler phoned me. my cousin phoned me. my mom phoned me. my dad phoned me. i’ve bought a web cam (haven’t installed it yet). i bought the next ender book. i was in line to get the car washed, but gas station boy was taking too long filling the buckets, so i turned around and left. i wanted to get my hair cut, but the hair cut place is closed and the other one was too busy. i’m sure i’ll go find a different one later. when i got home, there was a package at my door. tyler, my wonderful tyler, sent me a copy of the melancholy death of oyster boy & other stories and the most beautiful card. *sigh* if it wasn’t so blazing hot out, i’d still be out driving. but, i wanted to get the web cam installed before i go do any more running around.
i still plan on ice cream, though.

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this is how i want to spend my day:
– leisurely coffee and cigarettes on the balcony
– pink lime salon hair wash, cut & coif
– licking ice cream in waffle cones while sitting on a bench watching the boats in horsehoe bay
– screaming, riding the roller coasters at playland
– lying, exhausted on the grass at stanley park before having a fried chicken picnic
– cuddling on the futon while watching ‘say anything’
this is how i will spend my day:
– leisurely coffee at my desk
– washing dishes
– buying two more ender books
– shopping for a web cam
– $15 hair cut
– wash car
– balance chequebook

only two more days off then i go back to work. i don’t want to go back to work. i want another month of being lazy and alone. another month of not having to make polite conversation with anyone for any reason. not having to answer, fifty times, “how was your vacation?” when i know they don’t really care, they only think i want their curiosity.
i want to delay that question for as long as possible. i don’t want to lie to them and tell them the fictionalized version of my trip i’ve concocted so they won’t ask too many questions about the details. i want to forget it. completely.
back to making lunches and ringing phones and ambient noise and construction dust. i think i’ll call in dead for three more weeks. i don’t to go back to work. i want to be a homebody. i need to start designing xxx websites to earn a living from this exact position. popups! it’s all about the popups.
i’m going to do laundry and take the garbage out and dust today. i’m going to do all that so i don’t have to do any of it tomorrow. tomorrow is not going to be about chores. *stomps foot*

mr. mystery. his shadowed smile
slinked into my life through the door
ajar.
my heart.
your life.
fibreoptic fed. walls came down.
secrets revealed themselves to be
mysterious.
your eyes.
my love.
asphalt calling you to the sea.
a better life. no holes for me to
fill.
my life.
your heart.

i really should be pissed that jodi’s new design uses the EXACT navigation technique i was mulling around in my head for my redesign, but i can’t. hers is actually a lot better thought out and user-friendly than mine ever would have been.
my colours were pastel, though. just so you know.

i slept ’til noon. i ate four wagon wheels for breakfast. i’m going to watch coronation street. later, i’m going to buy the canadian oxford dictionary and toilet paper. yeah, baby. i love my life.

this is your life.
i didn’t think anyone could understand, let alone write it. except for the height and that my father’s favourite epithet was “you’re supposed to eat to live, not live to eat”… that’s my life. wow, i’m stunned.
i’m not linking this here for any kind of emotional coddling from any of you, i just want to make sure that maybe, one day, another person who needs to know she’s not alone will find it.