it seems my mom stayed on this side of the water sunday night. i got a call from her yesterday afternoon to tell me that she and cousin brenda wanted to take me out for dinner. my first thought, considering the state my head was in, was “no fucking way”. but, i’m a good daughter and said sure. as soon as i hung up the phone i took three extra-strength tylenol in hopes that would take the edge off the ache.
dinner was good. i managed to get them to agree to go to my favourite chinese restaurant. they were very pleased with the quality of the food and even more so with my picking up the tab. brenda seems nice enough. she thinks her daughter and i could be sisters. i hear that was a big topic of conversation at the last family reunion my mother attended.
i got home and didn’t do a lot. i was very much overfull from dinner and still a little headachy. i was also on a bit of an adrenaline buzz from the work i was doing for paige, so i was restless. i eventually got out the bad beginning and finished reading that. by the time that was done i was ready for bed.
my life is just so exciting i could puke.

i’m working on something for paige. i’ll write when i’m done.

i just read my car insurance renewal notice in its entirety (instead of just reading how much it will cost) and discovered i do NOT have to take my car through air care (emmissions testing) until next year!
i’ve been stressing about what i’d do if it didn’t pass again this year and i had to pay more money for more repairs which i can’t afford right now because i’m trying to save shekels in case of extended picket action. this is like getting whipped cream on your hot chocolate when all you ordered was coffee, black.

after eating a few too many chocolate covered peanuts before bed, i had a restless sleep and woke this morning with far too much lethargy and a nasty headache. i’m being stubborn and refusing to take any tylenol to relieve my pain, so i’m sitting here wishing the clouds would thicken up because the sun is starting to really hurt my eyes. i shouldn’t have left my sunglasses in the car.
the weekend was definitely less than stellar. friday night was great: dinner and cards at meg’s. during one round of buck, mark was my partner and he completely screwed up the first three hands, causing me to lose the game. i kept riding him about that all night long. i’m usually the one who gets picked on by him. it was empowering to turn the tables. saturday: mom came over. the less said about that the better (it wasn’t *horrible*, but it threw my whole mood out of whack). sunday was a write off. i wasn’t rested from sleeping on the floor and it was miserable out. i didn’t do a lot, except eat. i was starving yesterday for some reason. at least the crap i was eating was healthy crap, until i got the chocolate peanuts.
my plan this week is to go see crouching tiger, hidden dragon some time this week. maybe i’ll ask dean if he’s seen it. it’s one of those movies i’ve wanted to see since i saw the first clip of it, but i just haven’t gotten around to going. that and anyone i’ve wanted to go with has already seen it. bastards.
by the way, paige is my buttercup-scented hero.

i got a crushlink notification this weekend. so, i went to see if i could figure out who my crush was this morning. i tried this before my morning coffee, so it took me far too many tries to figure out who it was.
why am i telling you this? well… if you read this and got an email telling you someone has a crush on you, it was me. =)

“I don’t know. I love him. It’s great. It sucks. I have hope. I’m stupid for having hope. I don’t have any hope. He’s leaving, I shouldn’t bother; he’s leaving, I should seize my last chance. I should leave him alone. I should tell him how I feel. I should crawl under a rock and die like the bloated, mentally incompetent cow that I am.” — squirrel bait

i’m recovering from having my mother stay over last night. hopefully, the shell-shock will have worn off by tomorrow. although, i’m probably not helping myself by watching the oscars.

do you ever stop and wonder if we’re actually here, on this planet, living the lives we perceive?
sometimes i wonder if we’re just not characters in someone’s well-written novel. or computer generated sims, at the mercy of some pimply-faced 14-year-old who is up past his bedtime, staring, unblinking at the screen, watching us run around like we’re actually real. what if we’re someone’s science experiment, being kept in a constructed environment, our every action being monitored, with different tasks/problems orchestrated to test our skills? what if we’re someone’s pets? a “human farm” belonging to an alien child… and earthquakes are him shaking our container; floods, him pouring water in the top; hurricanes, his blowing furiously at us?
it makes me feel so small.

i buried a few old and rusty hatchets last night in a conversation with dan. it was long, long overdue. we’re both glad it got done. i think i’ll be able to be more comfortable with him as my friend without all the innuendo he used to put into our relationship.
had a really great night talking with a couple people i haven’t had the chance to banter back and forth with for quite a while. i miss that. i miss them.
again, it seems that all these people from my past are popping up in my life again. neall emailed me the other week, my talking with joe and dan, rick’s been more communicative lately, susane’s been around more, and the other jason was even around the other night. it just seems that they’re all coming out and wanting to reconnect at the same time. is it spring? maybe the cosmos is trying to help me realize there are people out there who like me for who i am and miss me when i’m not in their lives.
i’m also starting to think that maybe i should talk about what troubles me more often. i had to tell a couple people at work about what’s been bugging me ’cause they were asking about it and i really didn’t want to answer as if it were all okay because then it would just come up again. i just wanted to nip that topic in the bud. so, i told them. they were all very supportive and sympathetic. i didn’t even feel placated. i really think they were genuinely upset for me and my plight. that hasn’t happened in a long time, if ever.

i’ve had too much sugar and sunshine today. my head is killing me. oddly enough, i’m physically perky and energetic from the neck down. and, despite everything, i’m in a surprisingly non-bad mood. i still don’t want to do any work though. the pile just keeps getting bigger and i just keep on procrastinating.
oh, did i mention they’re saying we’ll probably be unable to work because of pickets for three months? yeah. mmm. i guess i’ll have to get a job at mcdonalds if i want to eat, ’cause strike pay will barely cover my base expenses, if i’m lucky. i’ll take in my “drive-thru all-star” award when i apply… they’ll have to hire me!

or are lyrics to mainstream music getting really explict? i remember hearing “closer” by nine inch nails for the first time and being shocked. when i was in high school, i was revered because i had the un-censored version of 2 live crew’s “me so horny”. maybe i’m just getting old and conservative…

“Because there is a part of us which believes we are unworthy of being loved, we pick people to love who are incapable of loving us back. You just have to realize this so that you don’t wake up years later and discover that you do deserve it and that you passed up the opportunity waiting for something that would never happpen.” — (horribly paraphrased) from queer as folk

so, i had to stop at the gas station to get some cash from the atm for lunch. while i was there, i thought i’d get a coffee. while pouring my coffee, i thought i’d bring in some timbits (donut holes) for the office. i’m such a nice person.
i’m halfway though my coffee (caffeine & sugar) and i’ve had four timbits (sugar & fat) and now i’m a little jittery. it’s going to be a long, long, long day.

and i thought i was getting over it. it was my own fault, though. i should have known better… i’m amazingly stupid for such a smart girl.

why do people always refer to penguins as “he”?

i can’t concentrate with all the fucking sunshine and blue sky outside my window. someone take me to the park!

while watching an earthquake preparedness video in the safety meeting this morning, i had to fight down feelings of panic and utter dread that tried to bubble to the surface. i think that is my worst fear: being caught, helpless in an earthquake.
don’t i live in the exact wrong place, then?

yes! i’m so totally excited. while driving home from work, i was pressing the scan button on my stereo because none of my pre-set stations were playing anything even remotely decent. the lcd display stopped at 101.9. i listened for a moment and thought “this is good. almost like jale.” i kept listening. the reception was a little fuzzy, so i thought maybe it was a seattle station i was picking up because it was a clear day. then, they played an ad touting it as “vancouver’s most hated radio station”.
hey, i’d never heard this, i thought. they’re playing good indie-type music. so i kept listening. i like it. i like it a lot.
so, being the geek i am, when i got to work this morning typed “101.9” into google and waited to see if this station had a web presence. and they do! turns out it is CITR – UBC radio. excepting the fact they play all the stuff i used to listen to five years ago, the reception is actually better at my house than my regular stations. long live independant radio!

i got home from work last night, cooked up a batch of mexican veggies (onion, mushrooms, celery, red, green & orange peppers with mexi-spice), ate three tortillas full and then laid down on my futon with my neck properly supported and read all night long. it was perfect. of course, i made myself stop reading around nine so that i’d have some of my book left to read today during lunch. there’s about two chapters left and i’m all excited about the ending, but also a little upset ’cause i haven’t decided what i’m going to read next.
i’m actually thinking about trying to find atlas shrugged by ayn rand. don’t ask me why, it’s just something that crossed my mind the other day. i really enjoyed the fountainhead, actually. i’d read it again, but it’s only been a year and i think it would bring up too many memories of morgan, and with everything i’m sorting through right now, i don’t need that extra burden.
my neck seems to have appreciated the tender loving care i gave it last night, as i can actually turn my head from side to side without pain (no thanks to dan). that’s a relief. i was a little more cranky than i should have been yesterday because of the pain. it’s still a little stiff, but hell, i can deal with that as long as it doesn’t hurt like it did before.

i haven’t even whined about how sore my neck and shoulders are from (supposedly) sleeping oddly for the last two nights. you may all feel sorry for me now. no, really. c’mon… i’m waiting.