i wanted to rant about how much i hate my job and my car and my life and pretty much everything that has anything to do with me, but i realized i even hate ranting and writing and typing and computers and blogging and websites and the internet. i especially hate anything that has anything to do with government or media or consumerism or money or people or causes. i hate working. i hate being bored. i hate chores. i hate waking up. i hate cooking. i hate cleaning. i hate homework. i hate parties. i hate gatherings. i hate dirt. i hate dust. i hate being the last person on the call list. i hate being the organizer. i hate being dumped on. i hate being dumped. i hate guilt trips. i hate fake compliments. i hate eye contact. i hate interruptions. i hate phone calls. i hate sleep-drooling. i hate not having a cat. i hate not having a real bed to sleep in. i hate my upstairs neighbour. i hate that i never get mail on fridays. i hate distance. i hate loneliness. i hate idiots. i hate the nosey motherfuckers who think it’s their job to check up on me. i hate spam. i hate raw mushrooms. i hate my crappy fridge. i hate being broke. i hate being in debt. i hate hating so many things. i hate that you now think i’m a hateful bitch who has no idea of the priviledges she claims. i hate being miserable. i hate sweating. i hate dirty fingernails. i hate tailgaters. i hate awkward silences. i hate strangers. i hate that skunk smell. i hate my sore wrists and my sore neck and my sore tooth and my sore back. i hate the way i feel if i drink more than two beer in an hour. i hate that farrah fawcett hair is back. i hate that i don’t care i’m wasting time thinking about all the things i hate instead of actually doing something to eliminate some of the things i hate from my life. i hate that i haven’t had coffee in two days. i hate being so far away from some of my favourite people. i hate that i lost so many years with my dad. i hate that it’s not time to go home yet. i hate that i’m hungry and i have nothing to snack on. i hate that i think i’ve disappointed more people than i’ve impressed. i hate hating.
ugsome (UG-suhm) adjective
Dreadful, loathsome.
[From Middle English, from uggen, from Old Norse ugga (to fear). As in many typical stories where one child in a family becomes well-known while the other remains obscure, “ugly” and “ugsome” are two words derived from the same root — one is an everyday word while the other remains unusual.]
after watching the saturday night live i taped saturday night (duh), i must now admit that i am utterly and completely aroused by dave grohl. dear god, i just wanted to grab his tie and pull him offstage to ravage me senseless.
ahem.
sorry about that. i didn’t mean to go that far. i know none of you really care what gets my juices flowing, as it were. i mean, really, you’re probably now searching for a good therapist. i wouldn’t blame you. it’s like picturing your parents having sex or what really goes into that hot dog you ate for lunch.. you have a vague intellectual awareness of them as facts, but you daren’t dwell upon them for long if you wish to keep yourself sane and your puppies properly furred.
*grin*
there’s a cloud outside my window which looks exactly like the starship enterprise (ncc1701-d) flying in a direction away from me.
today, i’m drinking green tea with mint (and stevia) instead of coffee. we’ll see if there’s enough caffeine in it to keep me from becoming ms. krankypants. of course, it’s monday, so there may be little hope for that.
i just made a shepherd’s pie. who’s coming over to have dinner with me?
i just wrote out a list of all the tasks, projects, errands, phone calls, etc i have pending. i am now officially overwhelmed.
AHAHAH!!!
read this. just a taste:
Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion.
last night i dreamt that i was on an alaskan cruise. there was a mystery involved and before it was all over bruce allen (bryan adam’s long-time manager & vancouver well-known) was trying his very best to seduce me. by the time the alarm started squawking at me, i had decided i had made the wrong decision and wanted to tell bruce it was entirely all right for him to kiss me.
besides the unfulfilled dream loving, i can’t seem to sleep enough lately. i’m absolutely exhausted by the time i get home, but when it’s time to go to bed i can’t fall asleep, not to mention the fact that i just cannot seem to get out of bed in the morning because i’m up so late trying to fall asleep. fuck, i hate unflexible schedules. i’m so tired i could cry.
so, it seems i’m scared shitless of intimate relationships with men. that’s got to be it. i’m doing everything in my power not to take any risk of falling for anyone, ever. if i care for you, i’ll either smother you with my attention or shut you down if you’re really getting too close. i can’t deal with being emotionally vulnerable. it freaks me out and i don’t know how to deal with it. that being said, the greatest contradiction is that i’d love to have someone to trust and love unconditionally. okay, that’s a lie. even typing that out makes me uncomfortable. i once believed that i really did want that story-book love of your life thing. in some respects i still do, but only as an ideal.
now, i think i just need someone who’ll call me on my bullshit and be patient when they have to yank out my feelings because i’ve been hurt or offended. oddly, i have someone like that in my life now. too bad he’s already married.
i tried pmachine yesterday (on ej’s recommendation) and although my first reaction was unfavourable, after some time to cool down from my frustration with it, i can see how it could be used in a more flexible manner. but, the authors have made it difficult in some respects and their documentation is sorely lacking in several areas. next to test: moveable type. maybe next week, because i still have a lot of pictures to scan this weekend.
oh, i haven’t mentioned that, have i? well, yeah. there’s a project at work involving a whack of scanning and when i told them they really didn’t want to use the old, crappy scanner for that task (where perfection is paramount) they ordered a brand new one and told me i could take it home to do the work in my off hours. of course, while i have such a beast in my possession, i’m scanning all of my photographs. i figure it’ll be fun to have them all on a couple cds and instead of having to haul out the trunk and find the box with the right collection of prints, i can just pull them up on the computer. although, after last night, i’m starting to think i bit off a whole lot more than i can chew.
i finally finished the crossroads of twilight the other day. two days late to the library and two weeks wasted. dear me, that book pissed me off. seven-hundred pages covering 36 hours in the lives of the characters. a set-up book. there wasn’t even a payoff at the end. nothing remotely interesting happened. that’s it, robert jordan can kiss my ass (until such time as he finished the series and then, i suppose, i’ll see what the hell his point was).
while enjoying jason kottke’s beautiful photographs of paris, i was struck by several notions:
– north america will never be architecturally historical. our obsession with newer and better almost forces us to destroy things we deem as old or outdated in order to improve upon them. personally, i think this a failing, but i’m the minority.
– it appears there are no more than 25 people in all of paris. these 25 people spend most of the their time reading, walking leisurely along a river, selling produce or visiting museums. tourists don’t count, of course.
– notre dame makes me weep.
– parisian stencil grafitti rocks.
– obviously, there is no electricity in paris for not a single powerline obscures any of the breathtaking views.
it’s a banner day in my quest for geekdom! i’ve been selected to moderate slashdot! w00t! i have the power!
(wow, lots of exclamation points.)
thank god that’s over.
i phoned ing direct last night to finalize my new account set-up and had a delightful experience with one of their “direct associates”, anthony. they will get more of my money just because i fell in love with his voice and his telling me “it was a pleasure” talking to me. yes, i really am that easy. sometimes.
i wonder if they fill their night-shift off-hours moonlighting as phone sex operators.
i just don’t care.
some days i think i could happily deal with weevils in my gruel and lice in my bed to live a life ruled by nature’s whims and not the arbritrary ticking, or clicking, of clocks. some days, no matter how early i went to bed the night before, it seems a sadistic affair to have to wake up before my body says it’s ready just to punch in at work. work. ptooey. claire on six feet under was right. all we do is work to become good consumers. i’m tired of being a good consumer. god, i wish i could find what i love to do and have the luxury of doing it every day. my back is itchy. crap, i’m late.
while typing names of random people from my past into google, i found someone i had been very curious about. well, i found her business website at least, and there’s even a photo of me on it for pete’s sake. one day i’ll get around to dropping her a note to say “hey” but in the meantime it’s just really nice to know things seem to be going well for her.
yay zora! yay evan for not stooping to the boob level! yay paul! yay one million dollars! yay for asking if she could kiss him! yay for fairy tales! yay for my being a stupid idiot over some dumb tv show!
last night, i met a man who makes wine from flowers. saturday night, i discovered i love it when dean is in a good mood. friday night, a slightly stinky rummy told me how he’d made a million dollars. thursday night, i put my foot down.
yesterday, i had a nap. saturday, i laughed a lot. friday, i kicked ass. thursday, i stayed up late.
oh, hitting-on-guy finally emailed me. he wants to go for coffee or something. i know it’s wrong, but i can’t help that he’s even less attractive to me now that i have seen he has poor spelling-slash-typing skills. it’s not horrible i want a literate man, is it?
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i finished my assignment! i also finished two versions of one of the homework assignments! the third item, i can’t seem to get working in any manner, so i decided to forego the effort of futility and let it lie dead, decaying and detested. it’s only four marks, anyway.
funny how boring someone can become when they’re obsessed with things with a limited scope of interest, innit?
i feel a couple rants bubbling up inside me, but i think i want to get through the rest of this weekend before i commit them to binary. then there’s my story about the guy on the bus last night. too bad i’ll be totally anti-computer by the time this afternoon is finished.
all right, time to hunt down some root beer and learn about xml schemas. whee.